Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in Twilight.

Song: Birds- Kate Nash


I don't need a man.

I don't need a man because I have a man. I have my man. And he loves me unconditionally and all he asks for in return is food and a warm place to sleep. He doesn't talk back, he doesn't leave the toilet seat up and he would never leave me. Unless he dies... he cheers me up when I'm down and if we ever had mice, he would sort it out with no fuss. He kicks ass and I love him.

There. I said it.

My man, Princess Consuela Bananahammock.

Ok, so maybe he's a cat, and he would probably want me to burn in the fiery pits of hell if he actually realised what his name was, but. I liked that episode of Friends and I named him when I was drunk. I think that is a legitimate reason and If anyone was to blame it was alcohol. And then probably Rose for even letting me go near an animal shelter whilst intoxicated; albeit it was probably one of the best things I've ever done to date.

I used to have a 'best things' and 'worst things' list, but when I couldn't think of more than three extremely mind blowing, life altering things I'd done in the past four years, I stopped writing it. My 'worst things' list seemed to go on forever and that shit got depressing. Especially since right at the top, underlined in red pen and circled with an unhappy face next to it was, 'Dropped out of college'.

I always thought I had some kind of ambition. I never really knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, what I wanted to see, but I knew I wanted to be creative, and happy and all that other clichéd crap that means you haven't failed in life. College was good; I was happy for a while, I was being creative, as far as I could tell I wasn't failing. But then life got shitty again and I dropped out. It's a bad habit, but when the going gets tough, I opt out.

So I guess I'm just Bella Swan the drop out. Or just Bella Swan, the loser who's going nowhere.

This wasn't how I'd planned things, but it's just the way things panned out. To be honest, I never had a plan. Maybe the outlines of one, but not a full out plan. I don't understand how people can think the best way of living is without planning, to an existent, it is. Living in the moment, I guess. But when the moment's over and reality kicks you right in the ovaries, you start to wonder where you are and whether this is it. I had no plan, I lived in 'the moment' for a while, it went wrong and I became completely lost.

I still don't have a clue where I'm going; I don't even know where to start.

But I don't hate my life. I don't feel any particularly strong sentiment towards it. I'm just alive and here, with my cat, living day-to-day and not expecting much. And that's ok with me. I'm ok with that, I think.

Shit, I feel like I should have started with; Hi, I'm Bella Swan, I'm twenty four, I live with my cat and I'm an Androphobic. Probably a bit of an Anthropophobic actually, it's not just men, I am in fact socially retarded. Definitely a Lutraphobic- I can't fucking stand otters. I'm twenty four and I have, like, six friends. One of them is my cat, two of them are related to me, one I work with and the other two are my box of cigarettes and my lighter. Oh, I'm sort of friends-but-not-in-public with the guy who works nights at the library I go to sometimes.

I saw him once when I was working and he totally ignored me, despite the two hour discussion on whether Yahoo was better than Google the night prior. It eventually ended with us testing out which was better. While typing 'I like…' into Yahoo, it proceeded to suggest 'I like to move it'. The first suggestion on Google when searching the same thing, it came up with 'I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur'. The winner was clear but apparently my new 'friend' wasn't because apparently we're not really 'friends' at all. In public anyway.

I didn't think I was that much of a loser, but ok…

I remember helping him chose sweets for his girlfriend in the candy shop I worked in and he still acted as if he didn't know me. When I went back to the library everything was normal again but this was some weird ass 'friendship' and I didn't really want to be part of it.

Hammy came in and wound his black and white self in between my legs as I searched around my kitchen for another bottle of wine to ease my wretched soul. I shortened his name to Hammy, from Bananahammock, as not to wound his ego. Being called Princess Consuela and all, men can get real cranky when you attack their ego's. Not that 'Hammy' was much better.

"Hello baby." I cooed, stroking behind his white tipped ear as I read the bottle I'd just found.

Well, I wasn't reading it, I was skimming, and it said, blah blah blah finest rosé, so that was all I cared for. Hammy purred affectionately as I put the bottle and bottle opener under my arm, scooped him up, picked up my glass and marched into the living room. Which is where I remained drinking and smoking my cigarettes for the rest of the night with my fat ass slumped on the sofa, Hammy curled up beside me.

The same thing I did more or less every night for the past year at least. Good times.


I put my jacket on as I left out of the back of 'Sweet Tooth'; it was a small candy shop slap-bang in the middle of New York. It was no where near my 'dream job', but I really did love working here, it was so colourful and fun and as far away from my normal life as possible. It was crazy, I loved it. Plus, it meant I got loads of free candy, not that that would do me any good. A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. But I live alone with my cat; I might as well be fat too.

I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket and patted myself down looking for my lighter. Such a dirty habit, but I didn't give a shit anymore. I couldn't take it when Charlie or Emmett started giving me lectures on what I was doing to my health; we're all going to die one day anyway, my time might be coming sooner than theirs, that's all. And I could easily get hit by a bus at any time, so.

My hands continued to search in vain and I became irritated as I couldn't find my lighter. I had a cigarette balanced between my lips but no light. Instead of finding one, my phone started ringing and I groaned in frustration as I took it out seeing Rosalie's name on the caller ID.

"Hey Rose." I answered, still patting myself in search of my lighter. I'll find you eventually you little bugger.

"We're going out tonight." She stated simply, I raised my eyebrow just as I found my lighter, did a little dance in my head and lit the cigarette taking a drag from it.

"Um, ok... why?"

"Do you know how much kids kill you, Bella? Thanks to your damn brother, I've got three boys. Boys. Three. Do you know what that does to a woman? I need time out." Rose was married to my older brother, Emmett, and was like my sister and my best friend; I did feel sorry for her sometimes, one, because she was married to my brother, two, she had crazy kids. Crazy, demented, evil, kids. Needless to say, children were not my forte and I was completely ok with that because I didn't have any.

"Uh... I don't know Rose. I was just going to stay in." I said honestly.

"Oh come on, Bella. You stay in every day of your life, I swear, live a little. It'll be just us girls, out on the town, it'll be fun." Taking another drag of my cigarette, I flicked the ash into the breeze.

"I don't know..." I put my hand into the pocket of my jacket and kicked at a stone that was on the ground.

"Seriously Bella, this works for the both of us. I mean honestly, when was the last time you had sex with anyone? Decent sex?" I thought about it for a moment... but then realised it would take me much longer than a moment to remember.

I could hear Emmett talking to her in the background of the phone, "Stop talking to my baby sister about sex, not cool." Rosalie snorted before replying "Emmett, shut up, she's twenty four. I know she's been a baby to you all your life, but she's grown up now, get over it." There was a ten year age gap between Emmett and I so he always treated me like I was some innocent, young, naive teenager and he was this big, adult, older brother, which was stupid because I may as well have had ten years on him.

"Exactly." Rosalie sighed, talking to me again, "And anyway, I need to know I've still got it in me." Ok, I needed to get laid, it was true, but in my eyes, Bella Swan = social retard number one. It's not like I wanted to be sexually deprived, more that I couldn't actually talk to people, never mind seducing them. I really didn't want my vagina to shrivel and die. Oh god, just the thought was ever so slightly horrific. I can see it now, in my mind, and it's disgusting.

I'm going to be a lonely cat lady forever, I can just tell. Me and Hammy, living the dream baby.

"So I'll come over at nine? The boys will be washed and sleeping hopefully by then, Emmett included." I sighed in defeat, taking the last drag of my cigarette before dropping it and treading it into the ground.

"Fine, whatever." If the worst came to the worst, I could always just get pissed and that really wasn't so bad.


I walked in the front door and sighed. Another day over, thank god. If anyone even wanted to look up the dictionary definition of stressed, they would be sure to see a picture of Edward Cullen underneath it. I trudged over to a small table in the main foyer, my shoes slightly clicking on the marble floor, and placed my keys on it. I needed my bed. God, I needed my bed. I could see it in my mind, looking being all seductive and stuff. Yeah, my bed.

I picked up my briefcase from off of the floor and walked over to the staircase, I still needed to read through some client's records so I could make sure everything was how it should be. God. I just wanted to sleep, was it really that much to ask? Apparently yes.

I frowned and put my briefcase down at the bottom of the stairs when I heard the sounds of what I was more than 100% sure to be Cinderella. I followed the distant sound into the living room, where a small strawberry blonde creature was snuggled up on the large, plush sofa, the wide screen TV confirming what I thought I'd heard.

I stood at the door to the room, watching the small person as she giggled away sleepily at the cartoon. She was so innocent and beautiful, the way she laughed at things I didn't find minutely funny but found I was smiling at just because she was. I would have happily stayed there all night watching her, but it was eleven o'clock at night.

I cleared my throat, preparing to make myself known, "Olivia Rose Cullen, what on earth do you think you're doing up at this time of night?" I put on the best 'angry daddy' face I could muster, but I crumbled as soon as she turned to look at me, her loosely curled hair bouncing around her head and her little pink lips in a wide smile.

She giggled again, picking up a cushion on the couch and tried hiding herself from me. I smiled at her attempts, "Hm, I wonder where she went…" I said, acting as if I really couldn't see her. She laughed quietly from the cushion, "Could she be here?" I asked, looking under the glass coffee table, "Or maybe here?" I looked behind the thick, golden curtains,

"No. Hm maybe she's..." I smiled evilly as I looked over at her. I flew over to where she was and bestowed upon her the worst form of punishment I could think of. Tickling.

"Daddy, noooo, stop it! Stop!" She laughed in her high angelic voice. I tickled her a few times more before, standing up straight with my hands on my hips,

"So Miss Cullen, why are you not in bed? It's way past your bedtime!" She stood up on the sofa, her trusty bunny rabbit under her arm, and wearing her long light pink night gown with butterflies on it.

She rubbed her eyes before she spoke drowsily, "I wanted to wait until you came home so you could tuck me in. Mommy wouldn't do it. She said I was too old. But Mr Bunny couldn't sleep so I waited for you." I sighed and picked her up; she was so light it was nearly effortless. She hugged me tightly, putting her arms around my neck and squeezing.

Yeah, I bet mommy wouldn't do it, I'm sure she had more important things to deal with in kitchen. I kissed Olivia's hair before placing her back down on the floor and telling her to wait for me in her room. She nodded and quickly ran off as I turned the TV off and wandered into the kitchen.

And sure enough, Tanya was sitting at the island with two empty bottles of wine and a newly opened bottle of port,

"Tanya why didn't you just tuck Olivia in? She was still up watching a movie and it's eleven, she has school tomorrow." Tanya had her hair pulled up into a messy bun on her hand, I imagined it was neat this morning, but as she drank more and more throughout the day it became more and more disorganised.

The state of her hair always gave her away. Tanya was, when sober, which was hardly ever, an organised, ambitious, determined woman. That was the woman I had fallen in love with, that was the woman I had a child with. This, this wasn't that Tanya. That Tanya hadn't been around for a few years now. This was drunk Tanya. This was Tanya the unhappy alcoholic. I didn't know this Tanya, she was a stranger to me.

She waved her hand around in the air dismissively, her satin bath robe falling down off her shoulder, "It doesn't matter Edward. She's fine." The woman angered me beyond belief when she was like this, 'she's fine' like she would know.

"I bet you didn't check on her once." I growled, she just rolled her eyes, pouring herself another glass and sipping it.

"I knew where she was and what she was doing. Edward I don't need this, I've had a stressful day." She picked up her glass and bottle of port and began making her way to the door, stumbling slightly as she did, but I stood in her way. She had to be joking right? She didn't need this?

"You've had a stressful day? Doing what? You don't work, you don't cook, you don't clean, you do shit all. You don't actually do anything except drink and loiter the wine cellar." I spoke through my teeth, reaching forward to prise the glass and bottle from her hands.

"Let go! They're mine!" She shrieked trying desperately to hold onto them both, but I was stronger than she was so I managed to take them from her. Still she lunged at me for the glass and causing it to drop onto the floor as I stood back, the glass shattering into tiny shards and the deep red drink spilling out onto the polished white tiles.

"Now look what you've done!" She seethed, narrowing her eyes. I scoffed and walked around her, emptying the bottle I still had in my hand down the sink.

"Well why don't you lick it off the floor if it's that precious to you. If only you could see yourself, you're pathetic. Everyday Tanya, every fucking day you do this. Do I need to hire someone to look after you like they do Olivia? Clearly you're unable of looking after yourself. You act like a child, maybe you should be treated like one too. I'm so sick and tired of this. I've tried to help you, but you are just not helping yourself. I've got so much staff working in this damn house during the day, strangers looking after Olivia just because I can't trust you with her when I'm not here." I put the empty bottle on the side and turned to glare at her.

She was naked under her bathrobe, and it was falling down her shoulder, now revealing the top of her left nipple, not that she'd care or notice, her eyes were unfocused and she spoke through her teeth at me, slurring her words, "You can't trust me, with my daughter?" I pulled at the tie that was still tied around my neck and unbuttoned the top of my shirt.

"No, I can't." I answered simply and honestly. She frowned deeply at me as I rubbed my brow with my hand, "It's like I have to look after two children here, and I work so god damn hard every day, and you tell me you're stressed? Where do you think you're even getting the money to drown all your sorrows in two hundred year old port?" Oh yeah, me.

"I have my own money, Edward. I've had it long before you. And I'm not a child!" She screamed, slamming her hand down on the work surface.

"Well then grow the fuck up!" I snarled back, beginning to get really pissed off. I couldn't talk to her like this, and there was never a time when she wasn't like this, so I could never talk to her. I didn't want to be around her anymore, our marriage was literally hanging by a string and I was standing by it with a pair of scissors. Open scissors, just about to snip it and end it all. The only thing stopping me was the stress it might cause my little girl. And the fact divorces always seemed messy and me and stress don't work out so well.

"You put your own daughter second to drinking, you have your priorities all wrong and you don't even realise it. It's always just about you, I can't take it anymore. Do you even talk to her? Do you even know her?"

"Of course I do!" She snapped, putting her arm out to the counter trying to stabilise herself as she swayed.

"Two nights ago, she had a nightmare, what was it about?" I asked, staring right into her hazel eyes; unfocused and dilute.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?"

I sighed, "Well, I was working that night and I knew. Do you know what she dreamt? She dreamt that Phil brought her home from school and you were drowning in wine in the bath tub. Huh, rather fucking ironic isn't it. But doesn't that tell you something, if your five year old daughter realises it?"

She scowled at me, pushing back the strands of golden hair falling into her face, "That's not fair."

"Fine. What's the name of that rabbit she carries everywhere with her? The one you actually gave her." She narrowed her eyes, seemingly searching her memory bank for the answer, but of course, coming up short, "Of course you haven't a clue." I laughed humourlessly, looking for something to clean up the broken glass still on the floor, "Mr Bunny, she calls him Mr Bunny."

She stood, tilting ever so slightly to one side, her eyes going in and out of focus, "You're an alcoholic. A selfish alcoholic, I don't know you anymore. You went to rehab and then begged me to take you out just so you could go straight back to square one." I ignored her as she stumbled around me while I cleaned the broken glass, off to look for another bottle of wine or something. I sighed and watched as she picked up another glass.

It was pathetic and really fucking sad but I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't know her anymore. "I think it would be best for the both of us if I called the divorce lawyers tomorrow morning."



"You are officially free my man." Jasper patted me on the shoulder and he called the bartender over us, "Shots, per-lease!" He ordered cheerfully. We were sitting in an already full club and it was only half nine.

I wasn't so cheerful. Yes mine and Tanya's divorce had finally come through, but what was there to celebrate? That my now ex-wife would probably drink herself to death whilst living alone, leaving both my daughter and I completely heart broken and distraught? Not so much heart broken on my side though but that wasn't the point.

The only good thing to celebrate was me having custody of Olivia after proving Tanya was inapt for looking after her properly. And since I had Olivia, giving a few million to an alcoholic wasn't making me feel so bad. And I got to keep my apartment as well as the house here in New York, as Tanya had taken the one in L.A. So yes, I could drink to that and think about the irony of drinking to celebrate the divorce from an alcoholic later.

The bartender came over with our shots and placed them in front of us. Jasper raised one in the air, pushing his blond hair from his face, "Ok, this is to new beginnings, good times and good fortune... and hot girls." He winked at me as I picked up a shot and rolled my eyes, downing it quickly after clinking the two shot glasses together, totally ignoring the irony of being in a bar, getting pissed on the day I officially was no longer married to an alcoholic. Classy.

I winced slightly at the alcohol strength and Jasper laughed slamming his now empty glass down, "Another, my friend!"


So maybe we should have slowed down on so many shots at once, I was really feeling it kicking in now. And everything else we'd drank since those shots. And I'd been here for a couple hours now, so. Everything was blurring in front of me and the sound of music was just blurring into loud nothingness.

Oh, I was fucked.

I groaned and put my head down on the bar, Jasper had gone off to dance with some blonde, but I was quite happy where I was. Feeling like I was moving around in circles even though I wasn't moving at all. Or I was probably moving a bit now. No I must have been moving, I felt like I was moving.

But I was still sitting… It doesn't even matter.

"Uh, are you ok miss?" The bartender asked. Miss? I'm not a woman, what the hell? I had some feminine features, maybe. Not really. But there was definitely a dick in my pants. A real one, not a strap on. I sat up to tell him I was indeed a man but then it became obvious he wasn't talking to me at all. Because next me, in a similar state to myself, there was a young woman with her head down on the bar, her long, slightly curled brown hair falling all about her.

"Yes. No. Maybe." She mumbled running her hand through her hair, propping herself up on her elbow. "I am fine." She said seriously and then giggled, and her laugh reminded me of Olivia's, and like with Olivia's laugh, I found myself smiling as well.

"Ok, good." The bartender said, shaking his head and smiling at her before moving back down the bar. She mumbled something to herself and laughed again before putting her head back down on the bar, sighing loudly. She was facing me this time, with her eyes closed, and I could see her face. And my god was she beautiful. Good choice of club Jazz.

I sat for a second, slightly in awe of her, the rest of the room was blurring and moving but she was the only thing that was unmoving in my vision, just lying peacefully on the bar. I wondered if she'd had as much to drink as I had, she definitely looked like she had. Her skin was smooth and creamy, I was really tempted to stroke her face, and she kept on pouting her small peachy lips whilst frowning.

It was rather amusing to watch. In fact it was very funny. So I laughed at her. Not hysterically, however in my state I wouldn't be so surprised if I did. I only meant it to be a chuckle but it seemed to be louder then I had intended because as soon as I did, her eyes flashed open and she stared at me. I stopped immediately when her eyes met mine, she had these deep chocolate brown eyes that were boring into mine. I think I was probably gaping back at her whilst her face was completely blank as she stared back at me. Then her eyes fluttered shut again and she pouted... again.

"I hope you're not laughing at me." She said running her hand through her hair,

"Would you hate me if I said I was?" I asked, a smirk on my face. She made a humming sound but didn't reply. Her pouty face reminded me of a duck "Your pouting reminds me of a duck." Ok, brain to mouth filter has gone. She twisted her mouth and then smiled, still with her eyes closed.

"Am I a nice duck?" She asked, still smiling. I laughed again, resting my head on the bar facing her, the world around her still blurring colours and people.

"You are a very nice duck." I replied. She hummed again in content and then opened her eyes to look at me, mm kinda the same colour as rum... maybe not just rum. Rum and coke maybe.

"I like ducks." She said happily, giggling a little after.

And I like you. "I like you." Dammit. We need a new filter over here apparently. Maybe if I hadn't drunk so much, I might have just shut up. But I had drunk so much, so on with the verbal vomit.

She giggled and fidgeted in her seat, putting her arm underneath her face lazily, " But you don't know anything about me." Her smile was so beautiful, just a little grin she had that was so cute.

"I know you're beautiful, I know you like ducks, I know you're probably just as drunk as I am and I know your name is..."

She sat gazing and grinning at me for a while before actually finishing off my sentence, "Isabella Swan. Mm, just Bella"

"Isabella Swan." I repeated, "No wonder you like ducks." We both laughed at that and then I shut my eyes for a second, "Bella." I said slowly, opening my eyes again to look at her, "Well 'Mm, Just Bella', I'm Edward Cullen."

She bit her lip and slid her hand out to me across the bar, "Well it's nice to meet you Edward Cullen." Smiling, I brought it to my lips and kissed her knuckles. And it's absolutely fabulous to meet you Isabella Swan.

Please please review! I would love to know if 1. You actually read it and enjoyed it and 2. What you liked, disliked, think is going to happen or whatever you review about haha. Ok, thank you very much!

You know you love me,