Let's just pretend nobody dies! YAAAAAYYYY!!!!
One morning, Mrs. Lovett was in her little pie shop thing cookin' up some pies.
"GEORGE!" She shouted loudly to no one in particular, "GEORGE, GIT DOWN HERE RIGHT NAW!"
Unexpectedly, Sweeney Todd came and opened the door to the pie shop. He sighed glumly and sat down on a dusty chair.
"I came," he announced.
A random man, who was sitting right next to him, just stared.
"Well, good for you," the random man replied. A giant carrot then broke through the floorboards and ate him.
"Mr. T?" Mrs. Lovett looked at Sweeney. It was very unlikely of him to run down to Mrs. Lovett when she called for him, let alone even come down to the pie shop. He did it so quickly, too, as if by magic.
"I PITY THE FOOL!" The real Mr. T randomly appeared next to Sweeney, who took out a knife and slit the real Mr. T's throat. He then threw the dead body to Mrs. Lovett, who put it in a meat-grinder thingy.
"Anyway," Mrs. Lovett continued, as if the interruption didn't matter, "why are you so uppahty tah-day? And how on Earth did you get down here so quickly?"
Then, another Sweeney walked into the pie shop, this time not even making eye contact with Mrs. Lovett. He sat down and stared at the table, looking extremely glum, as usual. He wasn't even paying attention until he noticed the other man, who was possibly another clone of him, sitting right next to him. He slowly turned his head, then slowly took out a pistol from his pocket and pointed it at the imposter.
"Who are you?" The real Sweeney questioned, putting the head of the gun to the imposter's forehead.
The clone grinned, and suddenly put his hand to the very top of his head and pulled out a gigantic-ass zipper. He unzipped himself right down the middle, as if he was wearing a costume, which he was. The man in the Sweeney suit was none other than….
"Winehouse!" Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett said at the same time, clucking their tongues, smiling, and pointing playfully accusing fingers at Winehouse.
"OI, MEAT SAUSAGE!" Winehouse smiled, revealing horribly disgusting yellow teeth. Sweeney frowned, and then he shot Winehouse right in the face. He took the dead body and threw it to Mrs. Lovett, who stuffed it down her meat-grinder.
"Damn pedestrians…" Sweeney muttered.
"Oy, them walkers ain't no nuttin' for useful, no sir!" cried Mrs. Lovett.
"What?" Sweeney stared at Mrs. Lovett and raised an eyebrow.
"I GOTTA POOP!"
"Shut up," Sweeney glowered at Mrs. Lovett, "That's the third time you told me since yesterday!"
"Ay, where's that little bugger…. what's 'is name….Tah…..Tuh-?"
"Toby?" Sweeney replied. Another strange thing: it was unlikely that Mrs. Lovett never remembered the boy's name. They were practically mother and son.
"No, I meant Steve. STEVE!" Mrs. Lovett called out again.
This time, Toby entered the pie shop.
"How are you all getting to my shop so quickly?" Mrs. Lovett questioned, "In fact, how could you even hear me?"
"Oh, well, Mr. Todd told me to come down here. We always spy on you, mum," Toby replied.
"Toby, shh shh shh…" Mr. Todd put a finger to his lips.
Mrs. Lovett only shrugged. "IT'S OKAY TO MASTURBATE!" She sang, pointing to Sweeney.
For once, Sweeney blushed. OMG OMG!!111!!1
"Umm….'scuse me, Mr. Todd, Mrs. Lovett, I have a question," Toby pulled out a random newsboy cap he had in his pants and began fiddling with it.
"What is it, love?" Mrs. Lovett asked without even looking up. She was too busy making her crap-ass pies.
"Well….um…well…you know how…well, you know…." Toby gulped and continued fiddling with his cap.
"Oh, my God," Sweeney thought, then put his hand to his forehead, "Toby, why is it that every time you ask a question you do this? For the last time, Toby, no, we don't know." Sweeney put his hand down and glared at Toby, "Now will you please fucking tell us what your damn problem is?!"
Toby stopped fiddling with his cap and turned his attention toward Sweeney. Mrs. Lovett stopped rolling dough and turned her attention toward Sweeney, too, then at Toby.
"Well…..I…uh…." Toby gulped.
"Yes?" The two adults leaned in, raising their eyebrows expectantly.
"Wot's 'pegnant'?" Mrs. Lovett raised an eyebrow.
"I MEANT I'M PREGNANT!"
Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett exchanged glances. Then Sweeney cleared his throat and looked down, and Mrs. Lovett started laughing.
"Oh, Toby!" Mrs. Lovett laughed, putting a dainty hand on her chest. "You had me scared fo' a minute. Men can't get pregnant."
"They can't?" Toby asked innocently.
Sweeney cleared his throat loudly again and continued staring at the table. "Please don't tell her, please don't tell her," he thought.
"No, silly! Only women can!"
"Phew! That's a relief!" Toby cried, wiping his hand on his forehead as though he was sweating, "Beca-"
"Hey! You two! Stop blabbering now, I'm trying to concentrate!" Sweeney shouted, hoping that he steered the two out of the conversation.
"What is it, Mr. T? You need to make poo-poo again?" Mrs. Lovett looked lovingly at Sweeney.
"WAIT A MINUTE!" Toby abruptly shouted. "IF I'M NOT PREGNANT, THEN WHAT IS THIS BIG LUMP IN MAH BELLAY?!" Toby pointed to his suddenly huge, swollen stomach.
"GET IN MAH BELLAY!" His stomach shouted. "OH WAIT, NEVER MIND, I AM THE BELLAY! LOLLOLLLL!!!1"
Sweeney blushed and stared down at the table again.
"WHY, TOBY! THAT'S NOT YOUR BELLY! IT'S TONY THE TIGER!"
"THEY'RE GRRRREAT!" Tony shouted, suddenly jumping out of Toby's stomach area and rolling onto the ground.
"Oh! Silly me!" Toby giggled, then started to blush.
"Thaaaat's Toby!" Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney shouted, pointing to Toby.
Then Tony the Tiger ate them all.
"Thaaaaat's Tony!" Exclaimed a random voice-over guy, and then Tony ate him, too.