Author's Notes: This is my first Torchwood fic ever and I am a little hesitant about posting it! I hope everyone enjoys it even though I'm sure it's been done before. I wrote it after seeing "Cyberwoman" but edited after I finished watching both seasons. I wrote it because the lines about Ianto not being the butler and the final line got stuck in my head and I had to get them out. I hope it doesn't suck terribly. Like I said, first Torchwood fic but if this goes well, I hope to write more! I had no beta, so please excuse all and any errors. Please let me know what you think!
Ianto Jones. Teaboy and destroyer of lives. That's really what I should put on my resume. If I ever wrote one. As if I could ever leave. Because Suzie was right, this job digs deep inside you.
But I had a way out: Lisa. It hurt to even think her name. She had kept me afloat in this crazy world of Torchwood and she nearly drowned me in it.
The hatch to the lower level stood open and I knew they were watching me sit at the reception desk like an idiot. I couldn't stop the inevitable and had to face them. The one thing I had counted on, the one thing that got me into this mess was the one thing I would never have again. They would always be watching me now.
I regretted everything that happened, but part of me, a small, secret, dark part was glad. Glad that it opened their eyes to see that I wasn't just the man who brought them tea and tidied their messes. I had emotions, I had secrets. Only now, unlike the rest, mine were laid out in the open and I had to clean up the mess they left. Because no one else would help me. They never did, but this time they couldn't. Only I could undo the damage.
My feet moved of their own volition and I found myself staring up into the hard, unreadable blue eyes of Jack Harkness. The same eyes that held betrayal and anger. The same eyes that held relief when I woke with a gasp and the tingle of his lips still lingering on mine.
He was still as stone and for a moment I thought he would throw me out and I panicked, but he just nodded his head. Nothing was ever the same and I didn't know if it would ever be okay, but he had forgiven me and that was all I needed, for now.
I set about doing what I do best and I focused on the smallest bit, the trash that always accumulated: pizza boxes and beer bottles. I couldn't look at the rest, not yet. I had to deal with this mess I made the way I dealt with all the messes. Throw away the unimportant bits, categorize the rest and lock it away.
Soon I stumbled toward the main level with the metal cases splattered with her blood. I tried not to vomit as I scrubbed at the dried substance and soon all I could smell was the bleach. I stacked the cases and eventually set the room to right while keeping my mind studiously blank. It was as if she had never been there. All the while feeling that ice-blue gaze on my back. I may had been forgiven but trust was far off.
I needed this place, no matter how I wanted to scream that I wasn't just the fucking butler. I couldn't leave, I need them and keeping them would be worth the glares full of malice and mistrust. Just as long as I ignored the question in the back of my mind. Did they need me?
It took me the rest of the day to reach the room I had kept her in for months. The bodies were still lying there in the dirty water that dripped from the ceiling. I was sure the doctor's body was still under the tarp down the hall. They had spared me nothing and I deserved it.
I had wanted to save her after she was beyond redemption and couldn't find the stomach to end it when I knew there was no other way. So now I had to step into the room that smelled of ozone and blood and end it. First I took the bodies, using a cart instead of attempting to drag them down the miles of tunnel, and placed them in the vaults with the hundreds of other decaying bodies that no one above the surface would ever know about.
The work was slow and full of memories but I pressed on and cleared it all away. Because I had no choice and wanted it no other way.
Because I am Ianto Jones. And this is what I do.
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