This was firstly published in my DA account. http : // chainsling22 . deviantart . com / gallery

Disclaimer: all Akatsuki characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. The red-haired Jashinist girl is mine^^

Warning: NO shonen-ai. Don't expect that from me this time^^

Reasons to Love Hidan

Author: Konohafled


It's a normal Akatsuki day. I walked with bounty on my back, and my partner with his foul mouth, walked beside me. If one swearing word of him means 100 ryu for me, I would be filthy rich by now.

At first I was fed up with his foul language. That's enough reason to kill him. Not that I haven't killed my partners before. I had, many times. But I can't kill this man. He had a very convincing and annoying way to show that. And soon enough, I was sick of that. His lengthy rituals and orgasmic face when he finishes his rituals…oh, they're just sickening. If only I can make his rituals pay-per-view show, my life would be sweet. But Leader-sama has clear order on this: no expose of yourself, except to your preys. In this case, Hidan is useless.

And so are other members. Sasori asked more and more money for his chisel tools and poisons. I once suggested him to learn sand controlling like his former Kazekage. Sand is cheaper than poisons or chisel tools. I almost got a slap of Hiruko's poisonous tail for that. Such a rude kid. I'm glad he's dead now.

His partner isn't better, if not worse. Deidara can get clays anywhere and mix it by himself. It's cheap. But he keeps asking money for his telescopic-eye lens cleaner. Or whatever he calls it. I think he uses my money only for hair conditioner and toothpaste.

Kisame isn't better. How come that ugly big sword needs so much money for maintenance? He can wash it in a river, brush it with his cloak, or whatever. I don't care. Sword maintenance must be lots cheaper. He's not like his partner, Itachi. Itachi almost never asks extra money for his weapon. He relies on his eyes as his ultimate weapon. But in turn, he often gets very tired, and sick. And now he needs regular visit to ophthalmologist. His vision got worse and soon he'll be expendable.

I must admit that I like Zetsu most. I don't have to feed him. As long as we supply him with dead opponent bodies, he'll survive.


"Hey you!" a woman's voice calling. "You! The tall $* guy!"

I turned around and saw a girl of mid 20's, wearing nothing but very short skirts and breast holders.

"You're gonna die by a young kid. You're so *&%^∆!"

"Shut up, you bitch!"

"His friends call him idiot. And you'll be killed by that idiot, you %^∆≈$! And don't you dare bitch me, you ∆≈$&* of a $^*√!"

She walked toward me and now stood before me. Her trident was held firm in her right hand.

"Back off. We have no time for sissy like you."

"Watch your mouth, you ≈$%≠ sucker!" Her trident was now pointed at me, "each prong for one heart of yours. How's that, %≠*&?"

She laughed. I tossed her trident aside with my tentacle. I was about to punch her when…

"Stop! Don't you ever touch a devout girl, for Jashin's sake!"

What? Hidan protected her? He never protects anyone. Who is she to him?

They both shared look. The girl smiled at Hidan.

"I've never met another Jashinist before. Where the holy *&$# have you been?"

"You must be a convert."

"$%≠∆≈ I am. Who the $%≠∆≈ is he?"

"Him? He's a %≠≈$, a total $∑*≈, actually. He's my #*&∏$ partner."

"Whoa. %~#∏$ you!"

"%≠#∏^* isn't a big ∂*√&э~, but $%∂*√ and ∂%*√~."

"Well, that's some %$∂&∏$≠!"

"∆%≠*≈, you bet ≈$&∏≠!"

"≠≈*√… *&∏$≠ …."



I swear, this must be an excerpt of Opera of Swearing, in which both leading actors fall in love and promise to live together forever. I can see Hidan and her and their two children. A silver-haired boy like Hidan and a red-headed girl like her. Four of them are lying happily on the ground, in the center of big triangle within a circle of blood. The Jashin symbol. They just had 10th anniversary. Sword, scythe, trident and blades are plunged into their limbs.

She would make a perfect match for Hidan, had his Jashin-god allow him to copulate.


~ ooo ~


We're not big company. We're not good money makers. Not yet, at least. Most of us are money wasters. They are real threats to Akatsuki organization. They should pay for what they waste.

I must make use of them.

They have spare times between missions. They can do part time jobs to cover our money loss. But they have no skills other than for killing people. They must do something that requires less skill. What would it be?

They are worth killing, I must say. Not as worthy as good guys, perhaps. Sasori worths thousand ryos if his heart isn't badly broken. But his heart was stabbed badly. He's useless. Kisame was hunted by shinobi of 5 nations. His head is sweet, but I'll wait until his worth increases few more ryos. To be honest, all Akatsuki members are priceless…when they're dead. But Leader-sama has strict rule on this. As I had killed my partners many times before, death is the price for breaking this very rule. And I don't think my 5 hearts are enough to stop him from killing me.

Yet they still have to do part time job, for financial survival sake. What can they do? Not bounty-hunting, of course. That's my thing.

Well, they're all well shape, aren't they?

Except Kisame and Zetsu. Kisame is just ugly, but his body is quite attractive … for some people. And Zetsu? Well… maybe I can save both of them, later, for some kinky-taste customers.

Itachi is good-looking. But I'm afraid he'll burn his customers if he doesn't like them. Just like Deidara will blow them up. He's pretty, like a girl. But I hardly find any future customers who like six mouths in his body. Well, I don't like them either.

Sasori was better. It's easy to find women, or men, who like to play with wooden puppet. Beside, he had cute face. He could be an adorable sex toy. An expensive one, too. But he's dead now. My money is dead.

No. Tobi is out of question. I got clear message from Leader-sama that Tobi is not to be touched. And neither is Konan.

The only option left is Hidan. Well, I could've offered my body to anyone interested. Not that I haven't done it. But they screamed at me. They were horrified at stitches in my body. And it means farewell to my beloved money.

I rarely see Akatsuki members without their cloaks. So, I don't know exactly how good or bad their bodies are. And if I asked them to strip for this audition, they won't let me live any longer. Let's see. Ten minus two (me and Sasori), minus Tobi, against me. Seven maniac killers against five hearts. That's not good.

Okay, maybe their bodies are not that good, either. Maybe Deidara has more than six mouths in his body. Maybe Itachi's chest is full of ugly birthmarks. Kisame maybe isn't as muscular as he looks. And worse than that, what if they ask for tips without my knowing? Or ask big commissions from me?

Except for Hidan. I see his bare chest almost everyday. It's good, even with blood all over. Even his skeletons are attractive. And he doesn't seem to need clothes. And I know women, and men, who will pay much just for staring at his naked body. And I know more women and men who may like doing BDSM with him. And Hidan likes pain. And he hates money. Oh, perfect sweetness!

"Kakuzu. Why the *$√&э~# are you looking at me like that? What the #%^$∂*&~ are you looking at?"

My partner. My money.

"I love you, Hidan."


--- end ---

Well, you all know what Hidan do after that… *smirk*

Please leave a review… and to anyone interested in BDSM with Hidan, please contact Kakuzu to register ;)

No. no naked-Hidan-plushie giveaways! Haven't we had enough financial crisis already?