Title: The very secret diary of Prince John
Authors: meridian_rose and starbuck_a_dale
Spoilers/warnings: episode 3.6
Notes: Some of these secret diary fics I've seen online use strike-through text. FanFiction-net doesn't seem to support it so I've changed the strikethrough text to square bracketed text. It's a sort of self-censoring used for (hopefully) humorous effect.
The very secret diary of [King] Prince John
You do love me, don't you? My last diary, now I thought that that one loved me, but it betrayed my trust. Yes, that's right. Spilled its filthy secrets to any person that could read, no less! Well, let's not talk about that right now. That diary will never be able to tell anyone anything, ever again.
…still, I hope I can trust you. I'd absolutely hate to have to mistreat another diary so harshly…
You love me? Oh, good.
Some scruffy vagabond showed up, all straggly hair and eyeliner. He had a certain naïve charm, but it would help if he pulled himself together a bit. Knelt and fawned like a wounded puppy, so didn't have him executed. Apparently he's actually some sort of noble from Nottingham. He blamed the missing tax money on Vaizey's incompetence.
Asked him if he loved me. He looked a bit stunned and said "Yes, my Lord. Of course." As well he should.
Decided to be magnanimous and give him the benefit of the doubt…I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm sickening for something.
Ordered my royal hairdresser to do something with Sir Guy's emo hair. He's got potential but if I have to look at that awful bloody bird's nest a moment longer I may go mad. Then packed him off with some of my soldiers, a really expensive [embroidered duvet] map and a lion we had left over from the Christmas party.
Guy promised to kill Robin Hood in my honour. Perhaps he can succeed where Vaizey's failed. This whole 'Robin Hood' saga is starting to sound like a badly-written play.
Guy said he loved me. Yay me.
Not heard anything from Guy for days. Bored of waiting for taxes. Also none of the peasants here seem to love me. Something about no bread to eat. Told them to eat pudding. I was pretty pleased with it, but they didn't seem to find it funny. Had a few of them executed so there'd be more food to go round but there's no pleasing the poor. Also, can't one of the filthy creatures have a decent disease? Palmer can't find a single case of scrofula. He's not looking hard enough, I wager.
Still no taxes, no Guy, no scrofula to cure. So bored. Told Palmer we're going on a trip to Nottingham. Someone had better have some answers for me when I get there. I still haven't forgiven Vaizey for spectacularly failing to kill Richard.
Had Guy brought to me early this morning. Swore he loved me, but honestly, he didn't even bring me the lion back. And Hood is not dead. Again. I'm starting to doubt Guy's love for me. Gave him new mission: kill Vaizey. Someone is going to pay for all this incompetence. I need the tax money to keep [myself looking pretty] the kingdom from going to rack and ruin while my idiot brother is off playing soldiers.
Sent Palmer off as decoy, though he's nowhere near as handsome as I am and probably won't fool anyone.
Arrived in Nottingham. Vaizey still alive. I am not pleased. Met Guy's sister, Isabella. What a [fox] fine young woman. I think her and I are going to be good friends.
Told Vaizey to kill Guy. Now that's going to be fun to watch! Maybe they'll somehow kill each other at the same time and I can appoint new staff all round, ones who are suitably in awe of my greatness.
Palmer showed up and called me a coward. Had him arrested for pretending to be me.
Went out to Locksley. This is where Robin Hood hangs around when he's not breaking into Nottingham Castle, apparently. The great unwashed were out for some kind of awful wedding. Just what we need, more peasant babies. Told soldiers to burn church down. For some reason Isabella got all upset about doing it while it was full of villagers. Well I've got to keep the population down somehow. Anyway, all of this anguish made her [bosom heave delightfully] flushed.
Went home for nap. Later Isabella showed up with her bodice torn open [unfortunately] luckily only part way. She told us a dreadfully exciting tale of how she valiantly beat off the outlaws one by one, and said "Long Live King John" in such breathless adoration that I had to send all the courtiers out so I could have a Moment.
Palmer found a case of scrofula so I reluctantly postponed his execution. Ho hum. I want to see someone get it in the neck today though. I wonder what's become of Guy and Vaizey?
Peasant refused to heal, what is it with these people! Don't they love me? The traitorous wench must have had the wrong kind of scrofula. I would have had her executed, but there was a minor kerfuffle that I don't particularly feel like talking about.
Oh, finally, Vaizey is dead. I'd have preferred it to be Robin, but I wouldn't have minded if had been Guy. At this point, I'd have settled for Palmer, but someone was going to die today on my orders or I'm not [King] Prince John!
Blamed Sheriff's death on Robin (who else) and now I supposed I have to make Guy the new Sheriff. Give him one day before he's cocked that up too.
Isabella kept calling "King John". Think she loves me, and why wouldn't she?
Oh yes, Long Live Me. :)