Sorry for the wait! Here is the concluding chapter of Prince John's diary. Enjoy :)
Title: The very secret diary of Prince John chapter 4
Authors: meridian_rose and starbuck_a_dale
Spoilers/warnings: episode 3.9 onwards
Notes: Okay, PJ didn't appear onscreen but he was behind the scenes, being a driving force for the action for the rest of the show.
Some of these secret diary fics I've seen online use strike-through text. FanFiction-net doesn't seem to support it so I've changed the strikethrough text to square bracketed text. It's a sort of self-censoring used for (hopefully) humorous effect.
Ah, Aquitaine. The weather is fantastic and the wine is wonderful. The food, however, leaves a lot to be desired. I thought the peasants at home ate disgusting things, but over here even the nobles are revolting. They eat snails. Snails for God's sake! And remember how dirty frogs are? These fools eat their legs! Granted, eating the whole thing would be marginally worse, but come on. It's as if the cow never made it as far as here.
I'm still absolutely furious with Archie. I think something needs to be done about him. Churchman or not, no-one defies king Prince John. He might have the Pope's support, but England is a long way from Rome, and I have a lot of pwerful friends that are going to be rather uphappy about his lack of backbone. Rest assured, he won't be Archbishop much longer.
Got a note from dear old Bella, forwarded from London. Apparently she's sent me some gold that was just lying about in Sherwood. It's waiting for me back in the capital. That'll be a nice welcome home present...from me to me, with best wishes. Oh, wait, there's more, it turns out...something about her husband Thornton... She ran away because…well, I don't really care. Skip to the end...
Ok, here we are: "He is now dead and I will never mention him again. Please accept the aforementioned gold as a token of my humblest apologies. I hope we can consider the matter closed"
...Good lord, she's sent a picture too. Well, consider me satisfied - Her sheriff's get-up is a lot more becoming than Vaisey's ever was.
Managed to swing an invite to a banquet with Philip, King of France. Will probably have to eat more disgusting creatures (v. bad) but it's always a good idea to suck up to the local nobility.
God, but the French know how to party. Still hungover. My head feels like something crawled inside and died. More tomorrow when the room stops spinning. At least I'm onto the dry heaves now.
Sent Bella a naughty postcard. It had an instructional woodcut of some of the more interesting mysteries of the Orient on one side. I had to wrap it in brown parchment or it'll be practically sticky by the time it gets to her.
Copies of English news scrolls arrived, yay! London Bridge still not finished. For God's sake! That thing'll never get done under Richard. He's too busy beheading Muslims to care about London... Wait a minute, maybe I can put that in a speech or something. Sounds pretty good.
Also some sort of disturbance in York. Yawn.
Brother Dicky's been captured! That'll teach the bloody showoff a lesson. I heard he's being held by Leopold V, Duke of Austria. Told him sending that crappy fruit basket last Christmas was a bad choice of gift. The ransom's absolutely astronomical. Oh well, never mind; I've got a few pennies somewhere. *grin*
Making nice with Philip was definitely a good plan. It was almost worth eating the hindquarters of so many cursed frogs. And I still don't know how you're supposed to get snails out of their shells without making an apalling mess, but I digress.
The point is, I persuaded my new friend Phil to help me write a nice letter to Leopold, reminding him of the stupid fruit basket and generally asking if he could hold onto Dicky for a while. It would make all of our lives so much easier.
Terrible news! Apparently the castle at Nottingham has been destroyed. My beautiful castle!
Reports are somewhat unreliable as of yet but I hear Vaizey was there. Guy didn't even manage to get that right. Maybe I should have him hunted down, chop off his head and shove a wooden stake through his heart. Cousin Vlad says that'll work on anyone.
No news of Bella, but I'll reserve judgment until I see a body, given Vaizey's reappearance. Many report Gisborne dead (finally) but again, since the body was inside the castle…note to self, maybe write to Romania to see what. Vlad makes of it. Corpses re-animate all the time over there. I categorically do not want to go home to an army of the undead.
More reports: Robin Hood is dead!
Did my happy dance. Still a little concerned about the prospects of a zombie plague but I'll worry about that later.
Remember that thing about the undead? Someone reported seeing "a hooded figure astride a fine horse, shooting burning arrows at the counting house". It yelled, "You can never kill me for we are Robin Hood!".
Sketch artist included a picture – not as fetching as the one of Bella, of course – and I think he took bit of artistic license if you ask me. Horses generally do not fly. And if they do, why has nobody given me one? The scruffy woman in the foreground looked to be that silly scrofulous blonde who loves Robin Hood– why wasn't *she* in the castle when it exploded?! And I assume that's more artistic licence or the giant in the background is the large man of Hood's gang.
They call him Little John. I'm sure I'd find that funnier if I hadn't heard one of the courtiers giggling after referring to me as "Good King John". If I find out which one it was, he's for the very literal chop.
Letter from Henry copied to me and Philip:
"Dear Losers; have had better offer from the foxy Eleanor of Aquitaine. Richard will be released soon. Regards, Henry.
p.s. He may have sent me a crappy Christmas gift but I received nothing from either of you cheap gits."
Great. Now I'm looking over my shoulder for mummy.
The holiday started *so* well.
Back in England. Confronted mumsy. She said she's paying the ransom, no arguments. And she's pawning *my* crown jewels to do it! Don't even know where she got the blasted crown from.
Had a [hissy fit] reasoned argument and went to my room.
In other news, also crown related, Sheridan escaped being eaten by alligator. There's just *no* justice.
Brother Dicky arrived home. We shook hands and I [cried like a baby] asked manfully for his forgiveness [in case he wanted to run me through with his sword].
He said I could be next in line for the throne! Yay me. And he looks a bit pale, you know. I don't think they fed him much in Austria. So, how long can it possibly be before I'm King John now?
Now everyone will see what a great king I can be!
Finally, I'm King :)