DISCLAIMER: Much to my dismay I do not own any of Stephenie Meyer's characters. I would love to, but I guess I'll have to settle for making them do as I please.
I also have nothing whatsoever to do with over Linkin Park or anyone affiliated with the band. Again much to my dismay. Can't catch a break. I just love their music :D
I wasn't planning on posting this, but a friend of mine on here convinced me to post it. I hope you enjoy it =D
Changes to the band – character replacements:
Chester Bennington – Edward Cullen (lead vocals)
Mike Shinoda – Emmett McCarty (MC, vocals, rhythm guitar, keyboards)
Rob Bourdon – Jasper Whitlock (drums, percussion)
As I walked off the stage I felt the familiar surge of adrenalin still buzzing through my veins.
It was a buzz I lived for.
Even though my body was exhausted, my mind was going a million miles a minute. Well, more like a second.
"Great show, guys." Our manager, Demetri, congratulated us as we all made our way backstage. We all nodded and grabbed ourselves something to drink. We may all love it, but it was exhausting.
I wouldn't be anywhere else though.
Nowhere else in the world compared to being on the stage. It was where I had wanted to be ever since I was a kid. And now I was here. Doing what I wanted. Living my dream.
Every time I walked onto the stage, I was overwhelmed. The crowds were enormous. If someone had come up to me a couple of years ago and told me that I would be performing to crowds en masse then I would have laughed in their face.
Especially with where I was before all of this started.
With how low my life had been.
I couldn't help but wonder how and why my life had changed so much in such a short amount of time. It helped me to remember that I couldn't take anything for granted. I had to make the most of my time here.
I just wish I'd had that philosophy seven years ago.
It would have been nice to know what I do now back then. To know how stupid I was. To know that my whole life would change because of what had happened.
But I couldn't go back and change the past.
What's done is done. And there is no way to set it right.
Even if I could go back, I couldn't change what had happened. Maybe I could change my behaviour, but the circumstances would have remained the same. I would have ended up just as I am now, though probably without the ability to go on stage and entertain like I did now.
And that wasn't something I would change. Not a chance.
Not for anything.
"Hey, Ed!" My band-member and best friend, Emmett shouted at me from across the room. "We're going on the town. You coming?"
Trust Emmett and Jasper to be going out on the town after a show. I might be the one with the adrenalin buzz, but normally it was short-lived, dying out after I had gotten off the stage. Even so, normally I was the livliest of all of us but after a full show they had energy that left even mine in the dust.
The two of them were my best friends. They had been there for me when I was at my absolute worst. When I had first left my home town and moved to New York, I didn't have anyone. Until I met those two that is. They helped me get on my feet, gave me a place to live and helped me find a job. I owed these guys my life.
More than once, the two of them had worked together to drag me out of the bottomless pit of despair and self-pity I had become so well acquianted with.
I owed them everything.
I shook my head and smiled at them. "Nah. I'm just gonna head back to the apartment."
"Alright then." They both shrugged, not moving. I could tell that they were worried about me. My health hadn't been too great lately. Well, for the last couple of years. No one outside the three of us knew that it was down to a few habits I'd had after I'd moved to New York. Let's just say that because of a few unwise decisions on my part, my immune system was shot and it took me about a full day to recover from a full show. A set of a couple of songs and I would be fine about mid-morning the next day, but after a full show like we had just done, there was no use in trying to get me to do anything the next day. I literally didn't have the strength to get out of bed. The exhaustion simply took over. This knowledge wasn't widely known and I wanted to keep it that way.
They knew not to push when I said I didn't want to go out. They were fine with it. Even the others in the band weren't one hundred per cent sure why I crashed the day after a show. I guess they put it down to poor health. I hated lying to them, but unfortunately, I found it was necessary. They didn't push, something for which I was thankful.
"Hey, what show are the ticket winners coming to see?" I asked the two of them and they looked at each other.
"Um, Friday's I think." Emmett replied, trying to think. It was always amusing when that happened. And it didn't generally happen too often so you had to make the most of it when it did.
"Alright." I turned around, heading for the other exit. "See you guys later."
"See you." They called, before turning out of the door behind them.
I sighed and made my way to the other exit. I could hear screaming and names being called as Emmett, Jasper and the rest of the band made their way to the large car that would take them into the city. I rarely went out with them, but I didn't really mind. After previous experiences I wasn't really up for the party routine, which was kind of depressing for a twenty-five year old rock singer I know, but still. Besides, I wasn't able to drink, so watching other people have what I can't is not really something I relished doing.
I quickly made my way down the steps of the secluded exit to the stadium and climbed into the black car that was waiting for me.
We were back in New York, so I was going back to the Penthouse apartment that Emmett, Jasper and I shared. It was a big improvement to the one that we had lived in when I first came to the city. It was huge. Easily accomodating the three of us. We each had such contrasting personalities that space was required or else we would be tearing each others heads off. I think the only reason we didn't when I first moved to the city was because I was in such a low place emotionally. We each had our own spacious bedrooms with en suite, it had a living room, kitchen, with separate dining room, that had been changed automatically into a music room of sorts. Instruments such as guitars that Emmett and I owned, Jasper's drums and such and even a baby grand piano of mine. I didn't play keyboards or piano or anything in the band, that was all Emmett, but the piano had been a love of mine since I was younger.
Not that anyone had noticed. I thought miserably as the buildings passed us by. No! I mentally scolded myself. That life is behind you now! Leave everything in the past where it belongs. The people, the place, they're over two thousand miles away from you now. Leave it where it belongs.
Even after these little mental pep talks of mine, I couldn't really get the memories to leave me alone. They were always there. Constantly haunting me. I couldn't escape them.
The ones of my parents were easier to push aside. It didn't hurt so much trying to forget about them. They were never there for me to remember anyway and what few memories I did have of them were always filled with disappointment and frustration from them.
But the other memories.
They were the ones that stayed with me. That caused me to lose sleep.
They were the ones that caused me to fall.
I was stupid and reckless.
Whether or not I was stupid and reckless for leaving or for allowing myself to fall into the situation in the first place I hadn't quite worked out yet. You would have thought that after seven years I would have gotten over it.
But she was the only one I ever thought about when my past flicked through my mind. Her face was the only one that lingered with me, keeping me awake at night.
As I climbed out of the car and made my way across the lobby, quickly grabbing any mail that we'd had delivered before stepping into the elevator that took me up to our apartment, I couldn't help but think of her. I knew that I couldn't. That I shouldn't. My therapist said that if I kept dwelling on her then I would never be able to move on with my life. I would be stuck in the same emotional rut that I had been in for the last seven years.
Even though I knew it was unhealthy of me, some part of me didn't want to forget her.
What we'd had was huge.
I shook my head as the elevator doors opened and I walked into our apartment. I sighed, feeling the regular depression start to wash over me as I walked over to the fridge. I wanted a drink, but that was out of the question.
I opened the fridge and took a can of coke out of the door, my eyes falling on the six pack that was stuffed neatly in the back. Jasper and Emmett didn't like to leave alcohol lying around, but I told them it was fine. And it was. Just because I was on the wagon big time, didn't mean that they had to be. I didn't want them to feel obliged to keep alcohol out of the apartment because of me and I hated that they did.
I popped the can open and settled down at the kitchen table, opening the newspaper that Emmett had insisted be delivered to the apartment since we got back. He never read the damn thing so why he wanted it delivered I don't know. Thankfully, he didn't insist it be delivered while we weren't here as well, or else we'd have a hell of a lot of recycling to do each time we got back. A lot of the time we weren't even in New York. We were off around the world on tour or doing something else. I didn't care though. I lived for it.
I flipped through the newspaper, not really paying attention to what was written there. Just looking for something to do I guess.
I glanced at the clock and saw that it was just after midnight. As good a time as any to go to bed I guess. I was just going to be a wreck either way.
I closed the newspaper and threw the empty can in the bin, turning the light in the kitchen off as I walked through to my bedroom. I flipped the light in my room on and sighed. It was always the same. Coming home, no matter where I'd been or what I'd been doing, it was always the same. I was always alone. I wouldn't let anyone get close to me at all. Not after what had happened with ……… God! It even hurt to think her fucking name!
Jazz and Emmett were the only two who knew the whole story of what had happened between me and … her.
Even though they knew, they didn't understand. They didn't understand what had affected me so much that I had to leave town. That had convinced me to turn to drinking and drugs.
That was one of my worst decisions to date.
I knew that now.
Back then, all I could focus on what getting my next hit.
It started out small. I would go out a couple of times a week, after work and stuff, with a couple of the guys I worked with, to try and get to know them better. I also went to try to forget. I saw now that even if I hadn't had people to go with, I would have gone anyway. The guys that wanted to go from work were just conveniently going.
After a while it became every night. I just wanted to forget, but it seemed that no matter how much I drank, I couldn't forget. Nothing could take anything away from me. It was all there. The pain that I felt everyday was there. It wouldn't leave. Ever.
The only time I could get away from it was when I passed out. Which wasn't very often seeing as I could hold my alcohol pretty well.
It was then that I met James.
He first introduced me to weed. Something I accepted gratefully. Even though, I had never really liked drugs before, the state of mind I was in at that point in time, I wanted to try anything I could to get rid of the images and memories I held within my head.
The weed worked to a certain extent, but only for a short while. I was able to block out the pain that was in my heart, but it was never enough. That was when James introduced me to my good ol' friend cocaine.
The buzz I got off of it was intense. It was something that I hadn't felt before. I felt as though I could take anything on. I felt as though I could do anything. It would give me the ability to do anything I put my mind to. I didn't let on to Jasper or Emmett what I was doing. They had no idea. I didn't want them to find out.
In the beginning, I wasn't dependent on it. All I wanted was an escape. A way to forget. I knew that I could have, should have found another way to do it, but at the time, I wasn't looking for a long term solution. Before I knew it, an occassional hit was turning into daily. And it was that way for a long time.
That was before I was introduced to amphetamines and methamphetamines as well. I had never even considered taking anything like these before, not that I had thought extensively about becoming a cocaine addict either, but that had just sort of happened. When James came up to me with the pills and needle offering me some, I was pretty freaked. I thought that he was offering me heroin and that was something I was not going to touch, even when I was high.
After he explained what it was I agreed to try it. And pretty soon, I was hooked on the high that I got from them as well.
I was falling into a pit and I knew it, but I couldn't bring myself to stop. Jasper and Emmett still seemed pretty oblivious to what was going on with me. Not that they didn't ask. I'd just become a decent liar is all.
I'd kept it hidden for four years. How I wasn't quite sure, but I'd managed it. I was at a loss to how I could keep it hidden. Because I was hitting up practically, no actually every day, I had lost a lot of weight, due to the appetite suppressant side to cocaine and the heightened energy I felt from the amphetamines.
I knew that Jasper and Emmett knew that there was something wrong with me now. They were working it out, but I didn't know how close they were. Some part of me wanted to run. To get out from underneath them before they really did find out about everything. I was still drinking pretty heavily and spent pretty much every night out of the apartment, coming back after they'd left for work, and flaking out for a couple of hours, before getting up, hitting up, cleaning myself up and acting like nothing was wrong. They seemed to buy it, but I could see something else working in their eyes.
Another part of me wanted them to find out. I was ruining my life and I knew it. I wanted them to find out and help me. I wanted to tell them, but I guess the fear of them discovering my closely guarded secret was too great for me to do so.
It didn't matter either way though.
They found out soon enough.
Maybe taking the amphetamines in injection form hadn't been the best idea. It was the best way to get the fastest rush though, so that's how I did it. I was extremely careful though, and didn't share needles. At all.
Didn't stop the marks that appeared above my veins though. And unfortunately Jasper saw them one day when I was changing. He and Emmett had flipped out at me. Even then they didn't know the full story of why I left my hometown.
They made me get help. I wish that I'd been strong enough to admit to them that I needed help, but I guess that the small amount of dignity I still had left in me, didn't want me to admit that I needed it.
So after six months in rehab I was clean. That was when we had gotten together with some other friends and started the band. We weren't looking to get signed or anything. Just looking for something to do in our spare time I guess. But we were signed, and that small decision to form a band had changed my life immensly.
We were now world famous. Not something I had ever imagined could happen. It all happened so fast that I didn't really know how we got here. All I know is that our first album had sold over 4.8 million copies in it's first year and it was still selling at a phenomenal pace. Something I never would have thought would happen.
I owed everything I had to Jasper and Emmett.
If it wasn't for the two of them, I would probably be on the streets or quite even possibly dead or in jail. None of those propostitions sounded too enticing, so I was thankful every day for the friends I had and the opportunities I'd been given, purely through meeting them.
Even so, as I stepped into the shower, turning the temperature right up, I couldn't help my mind flicking back to what had happened back in my hometown before I left. I couldn't help thinking about …… her. It hurt to think about her, but I wasn't able to stop myself.
It was seven years ago! I thought to myself angrily. I should be able to get over it by now. But it was too deeply embedded in my head and my heart to let go. I know it was stopping me from moving forwards with my life, but I couldn't bring myself to let go.
I climbed out of the shower and dried off before pulling on a pair of comfy sweats and an oversized sweater I owned. Before my addiction had become completely out of control, this sweater had been my 'come down' sweater. I hadn't had much use for it, seeing as after a while, I hadn't even gotten to the 'come down' part of the high before shooting up again.
I had been stuck in a rut.
And now I was thankful that I was out of it.
I turned off my light and curled up on my bed, not bothering to climb underneath the covers, as I knew I would get hot in my sleep and kick them off anyway. I always did after a show.
I wouldn't be expected to surface until at least Thursday evening or Friday morning.
Great. I thought as sleep clawed at my consciousness. Those damned ticked winners.
Get it over and done with, then everything will be alright.
Focus on the show.
The next day, I was pretty much dead to the world. As I knew I would be.
Jasper came in to check on me, just as either one of them always did.
They would make sure that I had woken up, and then leave me be for an hour or so, before bringing in a glass of orange juice.
I couldnt't eat while I was like this.
I would just bring it back up.
Plus, I didn't have the energy to eat anything. It wouldn't have made any difference.
"Hey, mate, how you doing?" I heard Emmett's low tones after Jasper had left. I slowly turned over and looked at him, before my eyes forced themselves closed again. "That good huh?" He chuckled, before mumbling an "ow". He obviously had a hangover. I wondered how much he had drunk. Knowing Emmett, it would have been a lot. He very rarely got a hangover, so when he did, you know that he went full out the previous night. "All right, just came to see if you're okay."
I mumbled something that even I didn't understand and wiggled so that my head was underneath my duvet. He was used to this behaviour so I don't think he thought anything of it. You can never be too sure with Emmett though. He could be confusing sometimes. Even more so than Jazz and myself.
And that was saying something.
I closed my eyes and tried clearing my mind, knowing that sleep would help me shake this off a lot faster than if I was awake. Sleep heals apparently.
I managed to get my breathing under control and I guess I slipped off into another unconscious state because the next thing I knew I was being shaken awake by Jasper.
"Come on, Ed. Wake up." He called. I lifted my head out from under my duvet and glared at him. "Don't look at me like that." He chuckled. "We gotta get going. Got to be at the stadium in an hour."
"What time is it?" I moaned, sitting up slowly, glaring at Jasper for waking me up.
"'Bout half two." He told me walking out of the room. "Hurry up!"
"Alright, alright." I mumbled, climbing out of bed and jumping in the shower. As I washed myself down, I couldn't help thinking back to how I got myself into this state. What was it that caused my immune system to go to hell? Why did I crash like I did after a show? Nobody else had the problem I did after a show. They were all up for going out afterwards, but I knew that if I did, I wouldn't be able to function for days afterwards. But then again, none of them were coke addicts for four years were they?
Stepping out of the shower I towelled myself dry and walked out into my room, loosely tying the towel around my waist. I walked out to see an outfit laid out on my bed. It seemed that Siobhan, Jasper's sister and our stylist had sorted out our outfits for tonight already. I got dressed and made my way out to he kitchen where she, Emmett and Jasper were sitting making some food.
"EDWARD!" Emmett shouted, causing Jasper to jump and Siobhan to fall off her seat.
"Jeez, Emmett!" She screeched glaring up at him. I helped her up, chuckling at her expression.
"Sorry, Shivs." He grinned sheepishly at her. "It's just great to see our Eddie join the land of the living again."
"How're you feeling, hun?" She asked as I sat down.
"I'm okay." I smiled at her. I loved Siobhan. She didn't know the full story, only Jazz and Em knew that, but she was always there for me. She was like a sister to me. We both knew that there was a line that neither of us would cross. She was beautiful, of course. She and Jasper looked very much alike, but then again being twins you would expect that. The both of them had the same blonde hair that they gained from their father, but whereas Jasper's eyes were blue, Siobhan's eyes were a clear green, suiting her pale skin perfectly. "How was your trip?"
"It was okay." She grinned, knowing that I meant her little conversation with the floor. I couldn't help the pang that spread through my heart at that thought. She was always tripping over. I lost count of the amount of times I had to save her. I would do it again though. I would do it all over again.
Jasper shoved a huge plate of sandwiches on the table and we each grabbed one, eating them eagerly. Siobhan hopped off the stool she was sitting on and bounced over to the freezer, opening it and peering inside.
"Who ate my cookie dough!" She screeched, glaring at Emmett again who blushed and tried to sink in his seat. "Emmett!"
"You're in trou-ble!" Jasper and I sang at the same time, each of us earning a glare from Emmett.
"Sorry Shivs. I was hungry. I'll buy you some more. Ow!" Jasper and I laughed as she threw one of her shoes at him. "I'll buy you two more tubs, hows that?"
"Good." She smiled smugly, picking up her shoe and sliding it back onto her foot. "Right come on!" She grabbed the plate and walked towards the door. "Time to go!"
"Hey!" The three of us shouted at the same time, following her, wanting the sandwiches more than anything else at this point in time.
"Good boys." She cooed walking away from us, the plate elevated on her hand. She made her way out into the elevator that would take us downstairs and we had to wait until the doors had closed before she let us have the sandwiches again. "It's almost too easy." We all scowled at her. She knew that the only way to get us to do what she wanted to was to threaten our food. And it always worked. Note to self: hide food.
We made our way to the car that was waiting to pick us up and all climbed into the back.
"You guys nervous?" She asked us, grinning.
"Shivs, come on!" Jasper replied, exasperated. "Since when are we ever nervous?"
"I know, but still..." She raised an eyebrow at him. "You never know."
"Meh." He waved her off and stared out of the window.
We drove around the back of the stadium, stopping at the unmarked entrance so we could get in without being mauled or snapped by the paparazzi. That was one of the most annoying things about our job. Constant photos. I hated them. The others didn't like them, but they weren't as pissed off by them as I was.
We were met by Demetri, Phoenix, Brad and Joe. "Right guys, the contest winners are in the back room and eager to meet you guys. Edward, we need you on stage for your initial sound check now. Well, you know the routine."
I nodded and headed off to the stage, while the others made their way to the back room.
"Hey, Ed." The guys greeted me as I walked out onto the stage, gazing over the empty stadium.
After I did my initial sound checks the rest of the band came out and did theirs. This was pretty routine by now. Emmett was just finishing up doing his keyboard soundcheck, when I found myself thinking about her and everything else I left behind when I left my hometown. I couldn't get her out of my head. Even now, even after all this time. It was insane. I didn't know what to do. I wondered if she still lived in Forks. I doubted it. She was too big a personality to stay in that small town.
"Right! They're letting 'em in." Demetri called and that was our signal to get off the stage while they let the audience in. This was always the most nerve-wracking part of the performance. The waiting to go out onto the stage. Being on the stage I absolutely loved. It was like nothing but the performance mattered. Nothing else existed. It was just me, the mike, the band and the audience. That was all there was.
But the waiting. Being able to hear the band. That was something else entirely. This was always the nerve-wracking bit.
"You alright, Eddie?" Emmett asked, clapping me on the back.
"I'm fine." I replied, punching him on the arm. "And don't call me Eddie."
"Sorry, dude." He grinned at me, the glint in his eye telling me that he wasn't going to relent on that name. He never did, no matter how many times I told him to.
"Where are the contest winners?" I asked, wondering where they'd gotten to.
"They're down in the crowd now. Right in the front." He grinned at me. "Tell you what, they're all fucking beautiful. Who knew we'd get that lucky. And I think that one of them kind of has a thing for me."
"You think that every girl you meet has a thing for you." I laughed, punching him on the arm again.
"Nah, I mean it." He feigned hurt, rubbing his arm. "I mean.....nah, what's the point? You don't really care do ya?"
"Nope." I said popping the "p" and shaking my head, watching as the last of the audience filled the stadium.
"Right, guys." Demetri shouted, motioning for us all to get into position. "Marks."
"See you out there man." Emmett clapped me on the back again, before heading off to the other side of the stage where he would be coming on.
I took the microphone I was handed Joe walked out on the stage getting the crowd started. Jasper was the next up, highlighted by the spotlight that shone down on him. I saw him wink at someone in the crowd and then grin as Phoenix made his way onto the stage, followed by Brad and then Emmett.
The music started up and I took that as my cue.
Here we go. I thought as I made my way onto the stage and any nerves I had felt a moment ago disappeared as soon as the music really started.
This is where I belonged.
This was my home.
Like I said, I wasn't planning on posting this. I was planning on keeping this as a private story, but a friend convinced me to post it.
Let me know what you think of it.
I know it's following a pretty cliche storyline, but there are a lot of differences I've added in.
Review and lemme know.