Everyday is fluffy!
AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!
The Rant opens up in Jette's room, in a sea of purple things. Wine glasses hang from the ceiling, sapphires are embedded into the epic walls with Pokemon posters. (And diamonds!) Cats are doing acrobatics, and Missy has just chucked DreamLife Superstar at the television to stop THE LAST FAILBENDER playing. (For some reason, Jette's parents gave her the DVD for Easter. INSTEAD OF CANDY.) But Dev Patel is sweeter than candy!
Jette is wearing a bedazzled black tshirt and a pink tutu, and an aqua headband holds her mermaid hair back. Missy wears a hybrid between satin and velvet black bejeweled dress with only one sleeve, yes, one sleeve, with sparkly stupid tights and childreny black shiny flats with Medusa hair. Deal with it. They are eating crepes and pineapple cupcakes. (Pineapples are the sign of hospitality. In cake form.) They are creating their own manga and discussing murder novels when the camera crew opens the door.
Missy: "The wheat is in your hands children...make fluffy cake with it!"
Jette: "And chuck the cake at this fail movie!"
M: "Welllll, you know how boredom makes children do foolish things...well, Jette and I wandered into the viewing of Dev Patel and friends in their latest fiasco on said Easter bunny recieved DVD...not blu ray people."
J: "We...there is no excuse. We wanted to watch it. Even just to make fun of it. And to make it worse, we...WE WATCHED THE SPECIAL FEATURES! 'cries'"
M: "Soca seemed overly mathematical in his explanation of penguin flipper distances to his lil' sista. Then he says "don't touch that sphere!" I mean, did this kid take geometry for fun? Did he take 'practical geometric vocabulary for everyday use class' or something? This of course is only after he hits the glowing ice beneath his feet! And dang Catara just tapped that sphere!"
J: "The Southern Water Tribe was SO photoshopped. And I was a little annoyed that the Water Tribe peeps wore realistic looking animal fur (even though none of them were Inuit, they were all white) but then GranGram-Cracker whipped out her map and it was basically a printout if you Google-Imaged WORLD OF THE LAST AIRBENDER MAP." THE MAP OF FOOLISHNESS!
M: "Appa is not a pure white beast. His fur has been muddied by computers that controlled the destiny of this fail motion picture. His toes are like bunny poop chopsticks. They sicken me."
J: "For the record, after watching SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE (which IS haunting my mind!) I am convinced that Dev Patel is a very impressive actor, who just had terrible lines. Also, Dev and Noah-Ung seemed to have a very good relationship on set. And people seemed to enjoy Raathbone and Mr. Dreadlocks. Everyone seemed to loathe Catara."
M: "Also Noah-Ung had some sick robotical moves to show to gag reel. It was seriously dope. Don't question his mad skillz. That is one talented child."
J: "Seriously, he was really good at the robot. But they forgot the get Dev Patel out of his ice-encasement thing when they shot that scene...poor Dev! Also, Nicola-Cat is so dim-witted she ran into a wire."
M: "Speaking of Catara, did anyone else notice that after they ditched the Southern Water Tribe and were running off to the Southern Air Temple she was all like "Ung says this..." blahblahblah, or whatever, then five seconds later she's talking to him and asks, "can you tell me your name?" Then he says, "Ung!" It's like um...how come you knew that five seconds ago, but not now? #FAIL. Yes, hashtags, while not on Twitter!"
J: "So personally, I had DEEP issues with Eeerow. He is NOTHING like Iroh! If he hadn't said that he was Dev Patel's uncle (I can't make fun of Dev. I just can't.) I would have had NO CLUE who he was. He was skinny. He didn't blabber on about tea. (or duck!)"
M: "He didn't even have a beard did he? No, wait, it was just a pathetic beard! Plus, it looked like a dreadlock WIG! :O"
J: "Iroh needs to care about Zuko as his own son. Eeerow didn't care about Dev. (Beautiful Dev!) He squeezed his hand once, and pushed him to lose his virginity at sixteen! Also he told Zuko to meet a girl and settle down. With his uncle. Because it wouldn't be awkward to get married and have your dreadlocked uncle move in with you."
M: "Then we arrived at the Northern Air Temple-"
J: "Don't you mean the SOUTHERN Air Temple?"
M: "No. I don't."
M: "Simon-Judas (dude who replaces Teo and father) proclaims Ung's arrival creepily, then just hands him over for his bag of silver! This just seems biblical!"
J: "I'm Jette!"
Sid The Slothy Child: "Or ARE you?"
J: "So we have yet more to say on the epically failing Hallroo...OMG HE'S KOREAN!"
M: "Okay, so ignore the racism of Jette, whom in our summary of this story said that young Hallroo is Chinese. It was an epic win for me when she found out he was Korean, when I knew he was Korean, just by looking at him on the screen. She didn't believe me. From now on, I will just assume if she says someone is Chinese, that they're actually Korean. (sorry if this sounds racist, we love Asians! 3 )"
J: "I thought Hallroo was Chinese..."
M: "This is what happens when you just ASSUME people are Chinese! They end up Korean!"
J: "His name is Isaac Jin Solstein, his father ERIC described his role as 'pretty high up on the cast list.'"
M: "He is a very distinguished young gentleman, though I think his manliness should have had higher display in the film he was featured in, which we are discussing presently."
J: "He's ten! Oh, well. I just wanted to know if he was actually a boy and not some little Chinese girl...BUT NO! HE'S KOREAN!"
M: "Yes, he is a talented Korean-American boy playing "Earthbending Boy". Yeah. He's pretty much amazing, just not the ideal Haru in my mind."
J: "So I had no idea what toe make of the Africans. I mean, I thought it was really cool how they made the Air Nomads African-"
M: "They had some undescribable ethnicity in my mind."
J: "Seeing how many Africans are nomads or farmers, and have a more free sense of life than their Chinese OR KOREAN counterparts, I thought it was very cool to make the Air Nomads Africans. Though it is still unclear why Ung would be white."
M: "But then there's a random African Earth Kingdom Village. Wearing orange."
J: "In the deleted scenes, they had a party. Soca danced with some women, and Catara seemed unsure of herself. Ung snuck away from the festivities to talk to a totally poser Aunt WOOOOO, which was funny just because this scene was such a fail. It was the first time Ung showed emotion."
M: "Which is probably why they took it out of the movie."
J: "And...the Blue Spirit..."
M: "Should have shoved some frogs down Ung's throat and step on some crazy cat lady's cat."
J: "I LIKED the original Blue Spirit mask. It was based off of traditional Eastern Asian folklore (If I say Chinese it'll end up being from Korea...)"
M: "You are becoming wise."
J: "But the fail movie mask just makes him look like he died and spent a year decomposing in a muddy pond."
M: "Personally, I thought the hair on the wig made Zuco look too free and wild. He's an orderly angsty prince, not some hippee. Anyways, Zhou-dawg is a freak. No mutton chops = nothing to see. They should have given him the boot like they did everyone enjoyable. I mean, also he lets fog hold him down! It's FOG!"
J: "Was the Blue Spirit thingy actually AT the Northern Air Temple? Poor Teo, no gliding around free and carelessly. At least Haru MADE an appearance! He still got a paycheck! But Teo? Just chilling with the Freedom Fighters, yet more awesome people who didn't get in! But yeah, why would the base be IN the Temple? It was just of objects only an Airbender would use. At least take those out, if you're going to use it to capture an Airbender!"
M: "Zhou-Dog was lame man. He's a little child listening to Ozai. Ozai without his head banging glossly delicious locks...without that Ozai is nothing. His metal was taken away from him. Therefore, he lost respect."
J: "Zhou was off-character. The REAL Zhou was extremely cocky and full of himself, the fail Zhou-Dog seemed unsure of himself. And just tried to hard to be epic."
M: "Ozai's side burns were like swoopin' backwards man! That's not normal! But like, he had long hair, and it was taken away. Iroh had shortish hair, and then the long dreads took over, man! Insanity!"
J: "The real Ozai is a character; one of the only truly evil characters of Avatar. But in the movie, he loved his daughter. He expressed glee that his failure son was alive. Ozai does not love. He does not have compassion. OR glee. Also, in the show, they kept Ozai's face in the dark. This was a stroke of genius, it kept Ozai from taking over the show, but he was still a major threat, and it created an aura of fear when they refused to show his face. But in the movie they're just like, 'here's the Fire Lord and his awkward nose! He's just chillaxing in a random field! OF WHEAT!'"
M: "Also, previously, Zuco was getting a little too friendly with some local colony boys. Remember when he randomly called over that handsome youth and asked him to tell himself the story of his own life? Awkward!"
J: "Didn't that child know not to talk to strangers? Especially ones with little red riding hoods pulled scetchily over their face? Or have creepy dreadlock uncles with them? Zuco is such a pedophile! Asking some small child to tell him about his own Agni KEE."
M: "So, the Spirit World is pretty jank. There is no such thing as a lantern tree! Also, the dragon is like a giraffe! Yet again I will wonder what's up with Zuco's boat and lack of seals!"
J: "I don't know qhat was up with the Dragon-Giraffe hybrid. There was none in the show. I understand that they are not going to copy the show exactly, but some similarities besides a war and Zuko's name would be nice."
J: "We can talk about the Russians now."
M: "YES! I love Russians! I am not Russian, so I must make up for it!"
J: "...I'm Egyptian..."
M: "Kay...seriously, Russianism is everywhere in that movie! Everyone either has a Russian hat, a Russian attitude, or a Russian accent! This Russian obsession is most clearly seen in the Northern Water Kingdom with the local borgouise hats and fashions. I find this fascinating!"
J: "Yes, the Southern Water Tribe portrayed the Eskimos very well (besides the fact that they were all white, or possibly Vietnamese.) but the Northern Water Tribe played the Russians. And I don't know what was up with Pakku. In the deleted scenes he fights Catara, what is up with Shamalamadingdong and creepy pedophiles? And his singing! 'Whoooooo...'"
M: "Then there's that largish warrior who gazes off into the waves of Fire Nation fleets...is he expecting death or victory? But yeah, seriously, what's up with Pakku? And all the clothes and everything magically turned blue in the Norther Water Kingdom!"
J: "Even Dev's hair! In the part where he's yet again being a pedophile and stalking Ung on a roof, it's like someone spilled blue paint in his hair! WHAT the heck?"
M: "How could Zhao-dawg stab the fish? And then in the gag reel, he kicks the fish? Have respect for the fish!"
J: "If you watch, VERY CLOSELY, when he scoops the fish up...he gets the wrong fish. He gets the black fish, the OCEAN SPIRIT, while the white fish is just chillin in the back, completely unharmed. Then he stabs our friend the OCEAN spirit, and the moon disappears!"
M: "They're confused fish."
J: "I just realized the moon spirit made a horcrux out of Yue. He took part of his soul and attached it to Yue, so he could continue living. Evil, Voldemort fish. And people worship these freshwater aquatic swimmers. Koi."
M: "Watch there not even be a number dos movie, and Toph be some pigtailed personified hair puffed cheerleader!"
J: "There better me an Epically Failing Earth Kingdom Part...with the Boulder. Because he disapproves."
M: "Eat some cake children. Use commas, save some lives. Take it easy. Don't think we're racist. We're just us. Havin' fun, enjoying cake. You should do the same."
J: "Alright, get out of my room. Seriously. NOW!" 'chucks wine glasses'
Disclaimer: ulin anga jasin-ui abata leul , halu , saengseon Horcruxes , ttoneun debeu ui puleun peinteu ui ginagin silpae masibsio. uli neun , geuleona jasin-ui Hallroo anhseubnida .
'we all start snapping, then Sokka and Zuko come out and start singing'
"LU LA LU LA The piano is a melody in the world's field of blooming dreams
Believe in the broken clock and who's side will time be on?
Because I want to hold you tight my dear one
Don't cry any more GOOD BYE SADNESS
The words on the mysterious door read "Ear-playing-tricks Cake
WONDERLAND! Welcome, to you FAIRYLAND! It's the magic of love
LOVE'S ALL THE WAY! Every day, the temptations of wheat, so fluffy
CAKE FOR YOU! Eat, for tonight is TEA FOR YOU! A tea-party in the constellations
The chorus of angels at the window is to you, just your ear playing tricks? The voice saying 'I love you, I love you'
LU LA LU LA Everywhere the stove, even when the crescent moon rains down from the heavens
Is thawing and giving a HUG to the freezing traveller's heart
WONDERLAND! Welcome, for you FAIRYLAND! The joys of love
LOVE'S ALL THE WAY! Every day, the adventures in wheat, so exciting
CAKE FOR YOU! A simple happiness TEA FOR YOU! With a big smile
The chorus of angels at the window is to you, just your ear playing tricks? The
voice saying 'I love you, I love you'"
Thanks for listening! Cake for you! Banish the sadness in your hearts fellow Avatards! We do not own this masterpiece of music, it is-
'Jette hits Missy over the head with a rubber bat'