Author's Note: To replace the Toons, I'll be adding characters from various anime. Try to find all the references!
Walt Disney, Warner Brothers, and Gothic Dancer proudly present:
Anko as Jessica Rabbit or Who Framed Maito Gai?
"Mommy is going out to the hair salon, Baby Sarutobi, and she's leaving you with your best friend Gai. Gai knows to take good care of you, because if he doesn't, HE'S GOING BACK TO THE SCIENCE LAB!"
A little man with rabbit ears wearing a pair of red overalls jumped up. "You can count on me! I'll keep Baby Sarutobi safe, really! I'll treat him like family!"
Gai was too busy talking long after the woman left to realize that the baby had gotten out of his playpen and was causing havoc in the nearby kitchen. When he finally came to his senses, he ran into the room but was immediately met with sharp knives, heated ovens, and gushing water from the sink. Noticing that all the baby wanted was a cookie, he ran towards the fridge where the jar was and picked the appliance up, but it fell backwards and landed right on top of him. When he emerged, there were birds flying around his head.
"Cut! Cut! CUT!!"
"Geez, Gai!" Baby Sarutobi suddenly shouted. "How many times do we have to do this scene?! Get your lines right!"
"The script says you should see stars, Gai!" the director scolded. "Stars!"
The baby got to his feet and stomped off. "I'm going to my trailer for a nap!"
"Wait a second!" Gai protested. "I can give you stars, Sir, really!"
Nearby in the shadows, a silver-haired man was watching. His face twisted disgustedly at the crazy scene happening before his eyes. He took a long gulp from a liquor bottle in his hand turned, walking off the set.
"Good to see you, Kakashi. I've got a big job for you."
The silver-haired man narrowed his eyes. "What's this about, Asuma?" he asked bitterly. "I don't have the time to be doing odd jobs for you."
Asuma frowned. "I'm over-budget on the latest Baby Sarutobi anime episode! It's that Maito Gai's fault! He can't concentrate!"
"What do you need me for?" Kakashi read the first few lines of the newspaper Asuma handed him. "'Maito-Mitarashi Anko, wife of Maito Gai, is suspected of playing patty-cake with Anime Town's own Iruka Umino?' Asuma, what does this have to do with me?!"
"You just need to snap a few photos of the woman in action!" Asuma explained. "I'll pay you. This way, you get what you need, and I get my main star's focus back on his work!"
"I don't work for anime characters."
"Come on, Kakashi!"
Kakashi gave the man a dirty look and reached for another liquor bottle when he noticed his own was empty. Just as he was about to grab it, he jumped back and screamed. There was some terrifying monster staring at him through the window.
"That's just Ryuk from 'Death Note'," Asuma laughed. "I bought him and the rest of the cast from Shonen Jump Advanced, and the best part is...he works for apples!" The man tossed the fruit to the death god, who chomped it down happily. Asuma then tossed a strawberry to Ryuk and told him to give L his regards.
Kakashi shook his head. "I don't work for apples. It'll cost you 10,000 yen."
Asuma's eyes were wide. "What?! That's ridiculous!"
"So is the job!"
"...Fine. I'll give you half now and half later."
Kakashi didn't feel like arguing, so he left Asuma's office in peace. He walked out to the main lot, bumping into other famous Shonen Jump characters along the way.
As he walked through town, Kakashi noticed that a nearby trolley station was under new management. "The trolley system is now being controlled by Uchiha Corporations? Hmm..." He headed past the station and ended up at a nearby diner where a beautiful woman was standing behind the bar, pouring drinks for the men who came by. When she looked up and saw the silver-haired man, she snorted. "My boss checks the books tomorrow, Kaka. If I don't have that money I loaned you back..."
"Relax, Rin," the silver-haired man sighed, showing her the check Asuma had written him.
"5,000 yen?! But...hey, where's the rest of it?"
"You'll get it soon, I promise. I've got a new job."
Rin eyed the check. "This is from Asuma Sarutobi. Isn't he that anime productions CEO?"
"Anime?!" a man from across the room called. "HA! I didn't know that Kakashi Hatake had sunk so low! Who's the client, huh? Gonna help Edward and Alphonse Elric find the Philosopher's Stone? Mugen, Jin, and Fuu need some help finding the Samurai Who Smells of Sunflowers? No, I know! Sakura is trying to find the missing Clow Cards! You gonna get a cute little outfit to match hers?!"
Kakashi suddenly ran to the man and punched him in the face. He yanked up his collar. "Let's get this straight, Genma. I DON'T WORK FOR ANIME CHARACTERS." He slapped the man one last time and stormed off.
Genma rubbed his cheek. "What's his problem, huh? I was just joking. We all love anime characters and their series, right?"
Rin sighed. "An anime character killed his best friend and partner. It dropped a piano on his head..."
Late that night, Kakashi made his way over to the club where he heard the mysterious Anko would be performing. A group of young men greeted him and sat him down at an empty table near a long runway. One of them brought silver-haired man a drink.
"Can't I get this on the rocks?" he asked. The little man nodded and tossed a few pebbles into the glass. "I forgot it was Honey-sempai," he groaned, looking towards a man in a suit. Once the two made eye contact, the man squirted Kakashi's shirt with ink. "What the--?!"
"It's disappearing ink!" the man laughed.
Kakashi turned away and sighed. "So that's Umino, huh?"
"Kakashi Hatake! Is that you?"
Kakashi looked up. "Usagi? What are you doing here?"
"Work's been slow since anime started using CGI, but I've still got it, Kakashi. Listen to this: Moon Crystal Power Make-Up! Hee, I can transform like the best of them!"
Kakashi gave the girl in pigtails a smile. "Yeah, you sure can...Sailor Moon." He went to say something else when the lights in the room suddenly dimmed, and he saw Iruka hurriedly fixing himself up. "What's with him?"
"He's always here whenever Anko performs!"
"Heh, what? Does he have an ugly fetish or something? The wife of Maito Gai can't be..."
Usagi smirked. "You'll see."
The room got quiet, and a single spotlight shone down on the stage at the center of the curtain. The crowd waited for a moment, and, sure enough, someone began singing. When she revealed herself on stage, the audience went wild.
Kakashi was in awe. This was, without a doubt, THE most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his entire life! She was tall and thin but still had curves in all the right places. Her hair was done up stylishly, and gorgeous make-up adorned her perfect face. The breath caught in Kakashi's throat when he realized that the strapless dress she wore had a slit, yes, all the way up to "there." She was absolutely stunning, the dream of any man.
"Why don't you do right?" she sang as she made her way toward Iruka and toyed with him. Then she danced over to Kakashi and sang to him in a husky voice, "Get out of here...Get me some money, too." When she made it back up onto the stage, she grabbed at Kakashi's tie playfully and whispered, "Why don't you do right like some other men do?"
And just as she appeared on stage, she was gone behind the curtain, and the audience went crazy. Kakashi leaned over to Usagi quietly. "SHE'S married to Maito Gai?"
"Yeah," Usagi sighed happily, "what a lucky girl..."
Late that night, Kakashi snuck around back towards Anko's dressing room and watched as Iruka knocked on the door with a bouquet of flowers in one hand. Kakashi hid underneath a window when he heard the door open.
"Oh, please, Iruka, not tonight, okay? I've got a headache."
"But you promised!"
Kakashi listened as the door closed, and he had his camera ready at the window. He listened to the activity going on inside the room, but it sounded strangely suspicious to him. He peeked inside and gasped. "You have GOT to be kidding me..."
"NOOOOO!! NOT PATTY CAKE!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"
"You'll have to believe it, Gai. I took the photos myself!" Kakashi handed the pictures to Gai, and the rabbit man looked through them hastily, not wanting to trust his eyes. Anko and Iruka were, quite literally, playing Patty Cake in the shots.
"Oh, it's not like you're the first guy whose wife played Patty Cake on him," Asuma sighed, pouring the rabbit man a drink. "Calm down, would you? You're making a mess of my office. Here, drink this. You'll feel better."
Gai swallowed the alcohol down in one gulp and seemed to be feeling better. But then he went absolutely ballistic, trashing the room and causing a total wreck. Kakashi and Asuma hid behind the desk until the rabbit man calmed down. When he did, he smiled. "Thanks. I do feel a lot better."
Asuma stood and nodded. "Here's the other half, Kakashi," he whispered, hanging the check to the silver-haired man. "You'll be fine, Gai. You'll find someone else, won't he, Kakashi?"
Kakashi tried to be optimistic. "Of course. A good-looking guy like him will have the beauties knocking down his door."
"WHAT?!" Gai shouted, grabbing Kakashi by the jacket collar. "How dare you say that! Anko is the only one for me. You'll see! We'll make it work!" He propelled himself right out the window and crashed down to the street.
As soon as he regained his composure, Gai walked into a dark alleyway and pulled a small photo album from his pocket. Inside were pictures of him and Anko together. "Anko," he sobbed, "please tell me it's not true..."
Once Kakashi was back in his office, he poured himself a drink and looked at the desk across from him. It was dusty yet organized, as if the objects on it hadn't been moved for months. He glanced at the newspapers lying there and remembered the times he and his partner Obito had solved all those cases. A young man named Hitsugaya had once been charged with spying among Shinigami, but Kakashi and Obito had discovered that it was actually a man named Aizen. Another time, a human-like robot named Chi had been kidnapped, and Kakashi and Obito had discovered the criminal, helping Chi get back to her home in the process. Kakashi smiled at those old days and fell sound asleep.
He was woken the next morning by a very loud crashing sound. Startled, he looked up and saw another detective with a broken beer bottle in his hands. "Yamato? What are you doing here?"
"I've got some very interesting information for you, Kakashi," Yamato replied, tossing the bottle aside. "Iruka Umino. The rabbit whacked him last night."
Yamato and Kakashi sped over to Iruka's storage building for all gags used by anime characters. They quickly ran inside and gasped at the scene of the crime. There was an outline on the floor done in chalk, and a safe had crashed down onto the figure's head.
"This is no way for a man to go," Yamato sighed as he walked towards the safe. "Look, there's paint on the rope from the rabbit's glove."
Kakashi was just about to step forward when he heard a voice. "Mr. Hatake?" He turned and Anko slapped him, hard, right across the face. "I hope you're proud of yourself!" she snapped. "And of those pictures you took!" She stomped out of the building in a rage.
Kakashi rubbed his cheek and watched as a group of men brought Iruka's body away from the scene. Something fell from the corpse's hand, and the silver-haired man reached down to pick it up, but something stopped him. A cane poked into his hand, and when he looked up, he was face-to-face with a tall, dark, menacing-looking man dressed entirely in black with a pair of sunglasses on the tip of his nose.
"Is this man trying to remove evidence from the scene of a crime?" he asked.
"No," Yamato spoke for Kakashi, "no, he didn't, Judge Itachi. He was just picking it up for you."
"Hn," Itachi sighed. "Working for an anime character, Hatake?"
"I wasn't working for an anime character! I was working for Asuma Sarutobi!"
"Ah, yes, Asuma told me the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him those pictures."
"Hey, I don't know anything."
"I'd say that's the booze talking." Itachi smirked a bit and glanced at the front door of the building. "No matter. My, ahem, *weasels* will help out."
Suddenly, a black car burst through the door, and five people in suits jumped out. "Come on, you bums! Let's go!"
"Pein! Have you found the rabbit?"
"Don't worry, Boss, Hidan, Deidara, Tobi, Sasori, and I have it under control. We're searching the city."
Itachi turned back to Kakashi. "Do you have any idea where the rabbit might be, Kakashi?"
"...Maybe to join the Fairy Tail guild? Or maybe he wanted to join the Black Order. I hear they're hiring new exorcists."
"I don't understand why you're not cooperating, Hatake," Itachi sneered. "A human has been murdered by an anime character. Don't you understand the severity of this?" He suddenly looked down and saw an escaped anime sidekick trying to hide. "With Umino dead, Anime Town is now under my jurisdiction, and my first order of business is to make those anime characters respect the law." He pulled a rubber glove from his pocket and snapped it onto his hand. He grabbed the sidekick and held it in the air as he walked over to his car.
"How did that creep become a judge?" Kakashi whispered to Yamato.
Yamato bit his lip. "He bought the election in Anime Town a few years ago."
"...What's that?" Kakashi pointed to a steel barrel in the back of the car. Itachi opened it and fumes dispersed about, reeking something horrible.
"Remember how I always thought there was no way to kill an anime character?" Yamato whispered. "Judge Itachi found one. It's a mixture of chemicals he calls The Dip."
The two detectives watched in horror as Itachi sunk the sidekick into the barrel. The little creature disappeared in less than a second, and Itachi grinned through the smoke it left behind. "I'm going to catch that rabbit, Hatake. You can count on it."
A few hours later, once the crime scene had been inspected and cleaned, Kakashi made his way back to his office. Once he climbed the stairs of the building, he saw a woman with a baby carriage who was lighting a cigar. Curious, he stepped forward and saw it was Baby Sarutobi. "Oh! Kakashi! I want to talk to you about the Umino murder!" he called. He sent the woman downstairs for a bottle and continued, "Gai didn't kill Iruka. He's a good friend of mine, and he wouldn't do something like that! The whole thing stinks like yesterday's diaper! Look at this." He held out a newspaper, which Kakashi took. "It says that Umino didn't leave a will. That's crazy! Everyone knows Umino left a will so that we anime characters could have Anime Town."
"Has anyone seen this will?" Kakashi asked.
"I can't believe this."
"Hey, I just thought that since you were the guy who got my friend into trouble, you might wanna help him out!"
Kakashi pushed the carriage down the hall and walked into his office, shutting the door behind him. He threw the newspaper down on his desk, took a drink, and slammed the glass down on top of the paper. "It wasn't my fault," he muttered. "I just took a few lousy pictures..." But then he noticed something. On the front page of the paper was one of the photos he had taken of Iruka and Anko. There was something in Iruka's pocket! Surprised, Kakashi took out his magnifying glass and gasped. "Oh, my God," he whispered as he read the words "Last Will and Testament." "The baby was right!"
After a moment of contemplating his options, Kakashi shrugged the thought off and pulled down his drawers to reveal his bed. Tired, he lay down upon it for a nap.
No sooner had he done so, there was some movement from underneath the sheets. Kakashi opened his eyes and came face-to-face with Gai. Shocked, he screamed and scrambled his way out of bed. "What are you doing here?!"
"Hiding! I came in through the mail slot!"
"Does anyone know you're here?!"
"...The liquor store guy!"
Kakashi grabbed Gai and tried to force him out of his office. "No, PLEASE!!" the rabbit-man begged. "Don't do this, Kakashi! I didn't kill anyone! I would never do something like that! My whole purpose in life is to entertain people! To make them laugh!!" He and Kakashi snapped backwards when he pushed back on the wall, and Gai ended up back on Kakashi's bed. "Okay, I'll admit that I was jealous, but I didn't kill Iruka! I went to Anko's dressing room, but she wasn't there, so I wrote her a love letter!"
The silver-haired man's eyes popped. "You're telling me that in a fit of jealousy, you wrote your wife a love letter?!"
"Uh-huh!" Gai pulled the letter from his pocket. "Wanna hear? Oh, Anko, how do I love thee...!"
"Why didn't you just leave it there?"
"Itachi's weasels were waiting for me, so I ran!"
"Why come to me?! I'm the one who took the pictures of your wife!"
"And you're also the guy who helped so many other anime characters!"
Gai went to sit down in a chair, but Kakashi screamed at him not to. "It's my partner's chair."
"Where is your partner? He looks nice and...sober."
Kakashi grabbed his phone. "I'm calling the cops."
"OH FINE!!" Gai cried. "Go ahead and do that! Turn me in! Thanks for nothing!" He walked out and slammed the door behind him.
Kakashi face-palmed. "THAT'S THE CLOSET!" He opened the door, and Gai appeared with a set of handcuffs. He linked one around Kakashi's wrist. Kakashi gasped and tugged on them, pulling Gai out. He stumbled over to the window and saw a black car pulling up. Itachi's weasels were filing out.
Gai's teeth chattered. "Please hide me, Kakashi!"
Thinking fast, Kakashi ran into the kitchen just as the weasels barged into his office. "Come out, Hatake!" Pein called. "We just want the rabbit!" He peeked into the kitchen, where Kakashi's hands were under murky water. The orange-haired man raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing?"
"Laundry." Kakashi flung a wet sock at Pein with his free hand.
Pein threw the sock aside. "Where's the rabbit?"
"Haven't seen him."
"Oh yeah...?" Pein pointed a gun towards Kakashi's face.
The silver-haired man sighed. "If you keep talking like that, I'll clean your mouth out." He shoved the soap into Pein's mouth, which caused the others to start laughing.
"STOP LAUGHING!!" Pein shouted once he spit the soap out. "You know what happens when you can't stop laughing!" He glared at Kakashi. "We're leaving. Don't you step out of line, Hatake!"
Once the weasels were gone, Gai emerged from the water. "Thank you so much, Kakashi!" He landed a big kiss right on him, and Kakashi smacked the rabbit away.
Later that day, Kakashi snuck Gai into the bar where Rin worked. The three of them hid in a back room that was once used as a speakeasy during Prohibition. Kakashi found a saw and tried to use it to break the handcuff chain. "Hold still!" he commanded. He watched as Gai removed his hand from the cuff and grinned. Kakashi stared. "Do you mean to tell me that you could have taken your hand outta this the entire time?!"
"Nope!" Gai cheered. "Only when it's funny! You know my philosophy! If you don't have a good sense of humor, you're better off dead!"
Eventually, Kakashi was able to get his own cuff off. "I think this goes a lot deeper than we originally thought. I think Asuma's got something to do with how I found your wife!"
"Is there anything I can do?" Rin asked.
Kakashi nodded. "Go check out the probate downtown." He looked at Rin pleadingly. "Can you hide him here for a while?"
Rin shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so. Where are you going?"
"Back to the office!"
Kakashi emerged from his bathroom only wearing a pair of slacks, and his jaw dropped. Anko was standing in the middle of his office. "You've got me all wrong, Hatake," she insisted. "I'm a pawn in this, just like Gai. Will you help me find him? Just name your price...and I'll pay it."
"Yeah, right," Kakashi snorted. "You and Asuma need the rabbit to pull off the scheme."
"No, no! I love my husband! Oh, you don't know how hard it is being a woman...looking the way I do."
"Yeah? You don't know how hard it is being a man looking the way you do."
"I'm not bad; I'm just drawn that way."
"...Aren't you the one I caught playing Patty Cake with Umino?"
Anko sighed. "You didn't catch me, Hatake. You were set up to take those pictures. Asuma wanted to blackmail Iruka. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, but he said that if I didn't pose for those Patty Cake pictures, Gai would never work in this town again!" She slowly strutted towards Kakashi, eventually smothering her chest against his. "I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband, Hatake, anything."
Kakashi stared. "What a wife." Without knowing, his pants dropped to the ground so he was only in his boxers.
"I'm desperate, Mr. Hatake. Can't you see how much I need you?"
Kakashi and Anko turned to see Rin standing in the doorway. "Watercolors, Kakashi?" She motioned towards his boxers. Embarrassed, Kakashi picked his pants up, his head meeting with Anko's chest and making her breasts bounce. She didn't seem to notice.
"Goodbye, Hatake," she murmured as she walked out the door. "My offer stands firm. Think about it."
Once she was gone, Rin confronted the silver-haired man. "Mind telling me what she was doing with her arms around you?!"
"Probably looking for a good place to stick a knife!"
"Oh, come on, Kaka, I caught you with your pants down!" She stormed out of the office and down onto the busy streets, where Anko was getting into her car. Kakashi quickly dressed himself and followed after her.
"Wait a second, Rin! I've almost wrapped up this case!"
"No, you haven't, Kaka! That's what I came to tell you. Asuma doesn't want Anime Town. Uchiha Corporations does! They put in the highest bid, and unless Umino's will shows up by midnight tonight, the Uchihas will own Anime Town!"
Kakashi gasped. "They bought the trolleys, too. Wait! Do you hear something?" He was referring to the happy music coming from inside the bar. "Gai!"
Inside the bar, Gai was performing for the customers, dancing to a merry tune. Kakashi grabbed him and threw him into the speakeasy, Rin following. "Idiot!" the silver-haired man scolded. "You want to get caught?!"
"I couldn't help it!" Gai defended. "I just had an urge to entertain!"
Just then, the door to the bar opened. Rin ran out to see who it was an gasped. She walked back behind the bar and flipped a switch, which set off a light in the speakeasy. She bit her lip as the man approached.
"I'm looking for a murderer," was all Itachi said. He loomed around some of the other customers. "A RABBIT." He grinned when the five weasels followed inside and started inspecting the place. Slowly, Itachi reached out and took the previously playing records. "This is quite a happy song for a bunch of drunkards."
"Should we tear the place down, Boss?" Pein asked.
Itachi shook his head. "No, that won't be necessary. He'll come to me. No anime character can resist this little song." He tapped his cane against the walls of the bar. "Ya...yo..." he sang softly. "Ya...yo..."
Inside the speakeasy, Kakashi turned to Gai. "I don't know who's crazier, you or Itachi. Wait...Gai! What's happening! Stop!" Gai was convulsing. So it was true. No anime character could resist that song!
Itachi continued. "Ya..yo...ya...yo...dreamin'..."
Suddenly, Gai burst through the wall and pointed directly at Itachi. "HOW DARE YOU SING THAT CRAPPY RAP?!" he shouted. "ONE PIECE IS A GREAT ANIME THAT DESERVED BETTER THAN 4KIDS WHEN IT CAME TO DUBBING!!"
But he was caught. Itachi grabbed Gai and hoisted him in the air. "I found you," he hissed. He turned to the weasels. "Bring me some Dip!" He grinned when the five men brought the open barrel to him, and he tried to force Gai into it, but the anime character resisted.
"Wait a second!" Kakashi called, running towards the scene. "Don't you think the rabbit deserves a final request?" He smiled when Itachi set Gai down, and he handed the rabbit a drink. "Drink it."
"I don't want it."
"Yes, you do."
"No, I don't!"
"No, you don't!"
"YES, I DO!" With that, Gai took the alcohol from Kakashi and gulped it down. No sooner had he done so, the bar was in ruins from Gai flinging himself all over the place. The barrel of Dip was knocked over, and Kakashi was able to grab Gai and flee the scene. They ran outside and tried to steal the weasels' car, but a voice came from the back.
"Gai! Gai! Let me out!"
"Ninkame?!" Gai gasped, opening the back.
Suddenly, a car that looked a bit like a turtle emerged. "Ah, thank goodness! I can't believe they locked me up in there! Come on, Gai! I'll get you out of here!"
Kakashi and Gai boarded the car and raced into traffic. Both the weasels and the cops were quickly on their tail though, so they spun about in circles to confuse them. Soon enough, they were on the highway and safe from harm.
Kakashi and Gai ended up hiding in a theater that was showing an anime. "Yes! Yes!" Gai cheered. "Punch him, Goku! You can do it! Aw, no one gives a good fight like Goku. He's a genius!"
"Would you shut up?!" Kakashi snapped, smacking the rabbit-man. "You're supposed to be hiding! What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with YOU?! You're the only person here who's not entertained! Why are you so bitter, huh?"
Kakashi's face twisted in disgust. "You really wanna know? My partner was killed by an anime character."
Gai gasped. "No..."
"Yeah. All I can remember about him were his bright red eyes and his high, squeaky voice..."
"That's so sad! If I were you, I'd hate me, too!"
"I don't hate you."
"Yes, you do!"
"...Then I'm sorry."
Gai looked up and smiled. "Yay! Thanks, Kakashi!" He glanced at the movie screen and sighed. "Oh great, a commercial, just when Goku was about to beat up Frieza. I hate commercials. This is even worse! It's a news bulletin!"
Kakashi watched the screen in awe. The report was about how Uchiha Corporations had just bought both the trolley and Asuma's anime productions company. "That's it!" the silver-haired man realized. "That's the connection!"
Late that night, Kakashi and Gai drove over to Asuma's office. Gai was nervous as anything, so Kakashi told him to stay outside. "It's just that you said you had the will!" Gai explained. "But you don't! Asuma's gonna be mad when he finds out!"
"Then just be the lookout," Kakashi insisted, walking into the main building.
As soon as the silver-haired man was gone somebody smacked a frying pan down on Gai's head. The rabbit-man fell unconscious and was dragged away.
Asuma loaded his gun as soon as he heard the door to his office open. He glared at Kakashi. "You've got the will?"
"Yeah," Kakashi replied, flashing a folded piece of paper, "I've got the will. The question is...do you have the way?"
"You've got a lot of brass coming here by yourself."
"Who says I'm here by myself?"
That somebody threw Gai back into the car, and when the person stepped into the light, one would immediately recognize it as none other than Maito-Mitarashi Anko. The woman glanced upwards at the main window of Asuma's office. There was something odd about the shadows.
"Let me see that will!" Asuma demanded, pointing his gun.
Kakashi tried pouring himself a drink. "I told you I've got it."
"LET ME SEE IT!" He yanked the paper away from Kakashi, but when he looked at it, it was only Gai's love letter to Anko. He gasped as Kakashi kicked him to the ground and took his gun away. "Don't hurt me!" he begged. "I'm an anime producer, not a murderer!"
Kakashi didn't listen. He hooked Asuma's tie up to the film reel and set it going so he got closer as the wheel spun. "I want you to talk," Kakashi demanded. "Tell me what Uchiha Corporations has planned!"
"I want to tell my property, but Uchiha Corporations wouldn't buy it unless Umino sold, too! So I wanted to blackmail Umino with pictures of Anko. That's all! I didn't want to see the anime characters destroyed!"
"...Destroyed? What do you mean?"
"I'm a dead man if I tell!"
"You're a dead man if you don't tell!"
Suddenly, gunshots came out of nowhere. Kakashi dodged them in time, so the bullets ended up hitting Asuma in the back. When Kakashi looked up, the anime producer was dead. He ran to the window but only saw Anko running in the opposite direction. He ran outside and called for Gai but got nothing, so he jumped into his car and followed Anko down the long path towards the tunnel that connected Anime Town to the Real World. Before he went through, Kakashi stopped and took a box from the trunk. He grinned when he opened it. Inside was a crystal and an engraved plaque that said, "Thanks for helping me solve the murder cases last summer. Love, Rika and Hanyuu."
Kakashi's face softened. "Anything to protect Hinamizawa and Oyashiro-sama, Rika." He took the crystal in his hands and spoke to it. "Feeling frisky tonight, guys?"
"Kakashi Hatake! Is that you?!"
"Hey, Rena. Keiichi, Mion, Shion, Satoko, ready to go?"
"Yeah!" all five kids squealed. Kakashi placed the crystal in his pocket and grabbed a bottle of liquor from the trunk. He went to drink but slowly poured it to the ground instead. He then jumped into his car and drove into Anime Town.
Kakashi had known that Anime Town was nuts, but he had never seen something like this before! Everywhere he looked, anime characters were going insane and causing chaos. "Smile, darn ya, smile!" they sang. They threw him so off-guard that Kakashi didn't even notice he had crashed into a pole.
Jumping from his car, Kakashi noticed the silhouette of a beautiful woman through one of the windows of a nearby apartment building. He ran inside and hopped into the elevator, where he saw an old friend. "Hey, Osaka."
"Goin' up?" the spacey girl asked. She flicked a switch, and the elevator sped up to the top floor. "This is the floor," the girl continued as she stared at Kakashi with huge, naive eyes. "Have a good day, Sir. I hope you find some takoyaki!"
Kakashi ignored the girl and opened the door to the apartment. He was sure that he had found Anko, but what he heard told him he was dead wrong.
"Oh, God!" Kakashi gasped. "Shuichi, what are you doing in that schoolgirl uniform?!" But he didn't have time to think. The pink-haired boy chased him out of the room and into the bathroom. Only when he looked down did Kakashi notice that there was no floor. He screamed as he fell towards the ground, but he was able to grab onto a poll sticking out of the building just in time.
But he knew he was going to fall again when he saw who else was there. "Pasta?"
"Pasta!" Italy cried, inching forwards. He plucked all of Kakashi's fingers off the pole looking for the food, and the silver-haired man started falling again.
Kakashi looked up to see someone else falling along side him. "If you're going to fall from a thousand-story building," the person began, "you should at least fall directly into the center of the street! And hold your arms and legs out like this so you're SYMMETRICAL!!"
"DEATH THE KID, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!"
Kid sighed. "And I was going to loan you Beezlebub, too." His skateboard appeared from his hands, and he flew off towards the sun.
Kakashi then saw a feather falling towards him. He grabbed at it, think there might be more, but somebody else took it. "I need that!" a boy scolded. "Mokona! Tell Yuko-san we got the feather! Time to move on to the next world!" And he disappeared.
Kakashi eventually fell right back into the arms of Shuichi, but the silver-haired man was able to get away and find himself in a back alley, a likely place for a criminal to be hiding. Soon enough, he saw a shadow following him.
Anko pulled the trigger of her gun and fired at another shadow looming behind Kakashi. "Drop it!" the detective commanded.
Anko let go of her gun. "I just saved your life, Hatake. Why don't you trust me?"
"I don't trust anybody!"
"Not even your own eyes? That's the gun that killed Asuma Sarutobi, and Itachi pulled the trigger."
Kakashi looked down at the dropped gun from the second shadow and the up at the woman. "Judge Itachi? Why?"
"I followed him to the studio, but I was too late to stop him."
"THAT'S RIGHT!! YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME!! YOU'RE ALL DEAD!!"
Kakashi lifted the crystal from his pocket. "Summoning Rena, Keiichi, and Shion! The hatchet, the bat, and the taser!" He watched as the three characters appeared and ran after Itachi, but they ended up going the wrong way, Rena laughing like a moron as she charged forward.
"Rena!" Keiichi called as he and Shion ran after their friend. "This isn't Onikakushi-hen!"
Kakashi tossed the crystal aside. "I forgot they all end up insane," he sighed. He and Anko ran out of the alley, and Anko gasped. Her car was totaled, and the trunk was open.
"Oh, no! Where's Gai?" she cried.
"Gai? He chickened out on me back at the studio."
"No, he didn't! I hit him on the head with a frying pan and threw him in the trunk...so he wouldn't get hurt."
"...Makes perfect sense."
At that moment, the five weasels came rushing towards the two of them in their black car, but Ninkame was faster. "You call a cab, Hatake?" Kakashi and Anko boarded the car, and Ninkame rushed back into the Real World.
"How long have you know it was Itachi?" Kakashi asked.
Anko swallowed hard. "Before Umino was killed, he confined in me that Itachi wanted to get his hands on Anime Town."
"So he gave you the will?"
"That's what he said! But when I looked at it, it was just a blank piece of paper!"
"What do we do?!" Ninkame shouted.
"We have to find my poor husband," Anko sobbed. "I'm so worried."
Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Honestly, what do you see in that guy?"
"He makes me laugh."
Suddenly, Ninkame's wheels slipped on something that burned him he cried out and lost control, slamming into a light pole. Kakashi and Anko fell out of the car and landed on the grass, and when they looked up, they saw that Itachi had covered the entire road in Dip. "What an unfortunate accident," the man sighed. He turned to the weasels once they emerged from Anime Town. "Don't just stand there! Help them into my car! Heh..."
It was close to midnight by the time the group made it back to Iruka's old warehouse. The weasels were searching Kakashi, but all they found was the love letter. Itachi commanded for one of them to check Anko. Hidan came forward with a devilish look on his face and forced her hand right down the woman's cleavage. No sooner had he done so, a metal trap latched around his hand, and he cried out in pain.
Kakashi glanced at the woman. "Nice booby trap."
Itachi flung Hidan across the room and into a pile of plastic anime-style eyes that spread out onto the floor. "I doubt that will is going to show up within the next fifteen minutes," he commented.
"What happens in the next fifteen minutes?"
"Anime Town will be legally mine."
Back at the tunnel, Gai came rushing out and spotted the broken car. "Ninkame?! Is that you?"
"No!" the car shouted. "It's Inu-Yasha! OF COURSE IT'S ME, YOU IDIOT!! Move over and let me drive. I know where your wife is!"
"Anime Town is on the other side of this wall," Itachi explained, pointing to the brick structure. "I'm retiring as a judge to take a new position."
Kakashi snorted. "Would it have anything to do with Uchiha Corporations?"
"You're looking at the sole stockholder!"
Outside, Gai and Ninkame pulled up to the warehouse. "Go get the cops!" Gai instructed. "I'm gonna go save my wife!"
"Be careful with that gun!" Ninkame called after the rabbit-man. "This ain't some anime, you know!"
Gai nodded and ran over to the side of the building. He eventually found an opening, but he fell right into the toilet and was sucked downwards.
"Do you know what this is?" Itachi turned a faucet on, and a green liquid streamed down onto the floor.
Anko gasped and took a few steps backwards. "OH, MY GOD!! IT'S THE DIP!!"
"THAT'S RIGHT!!" Itachi pulled a curtain away to reveal a giant vehicle. "There are five thousand gallons of heated Dip here! Anime Town will be erased in a matter of minutes."
"So you don't think anyone will notice Anime Town's disappeared?"
"They won't! They'll be driving seventy-five miles per hour on eight lanes of asphalt with restaurants, factories, and tourist hot-spots rushing by them. I bought the trolleys so I could create this plan! We're calling it...a freeway."
Suddenly, a giant rush of water came spouting from the drain in the floor, and Gai appeared with his gun raised. "Alright, nobody move!"
Anko's face brightened. "Gai!"
"Hello, sweetheart! Give me a minute here. I have some people to deal with!" He turned to Itachi. "You know, we anime characters may act idiotic, but we're not stupid!" As soon as he spoke those words, a pile of bricks crashed down on top of the rabbit-man's head. Anko gasped and ran to her husband, and when he emerged, stars were circling around his head. "Look, honey! I got it right this time! Where's the director?"
Itachi smirked. "Tie them up." The weasels went to work hanging Gai and Anko from a hook, and the judge walked towards Kakashi as they turned the vehicle on. "It's over, Hatake." He turned and walked towards the other side of the room, but he slipped on the plastic eyes and fell. When he looked up, one hand was over one of his eyes, and he saw the weasels laughing. "Stop that!" he ordered. "One of these days, you idiots are going to laugh yourselves to death!"
Kakashi's eyes widened with an idea, but he waited until Itachi was gone to put his plan into action. "Like to laugh, huh? Maybe I should tell you a little something about the guy you're going to dip." He grabbed a control from the side of a music player, and a little tune started. Kakashi started dancing and singing while performing slapstick comedy routines. The weasels were laughing so hard that they literally die and lost their souls! Tobi and Sasori were the first to go, and Kakashi managed to kick Pein right into the giant pot of Dip.
"You're doing it, Kakashi!" Gai cheered. "You're killing them! You're knocking them dead!"
It wasn't all perfect though. Right before Hidan died, he flipped the switch for the vehicle to move forward. Deidara, in his final moments, flipped another switch so the Dip shot out of the pressurized water canon and spit forward at Gai and Anko hanging in the air.
"Oh, my God," Anko gasped. "Gai, I want you to know that I love you. I love you more than any woman's ever loved a rabbit-man."
"Kakashi! Hurry!" Gai pleaded. "It's coming for us!"
Kakashi hurried over to the vehicle, but Itachi jumped in his way. The detective was able to move the canon away from Anko and Gai just before the judge kicked him to the ground. Itachi revealed a sword from his cane, and Kakashi grabbed a giant magnet from a box, hoping it would grab the sword away. Instead, the silver-haired man ended up pinned to a metal barrel. Before he could think, Itachi was driving a steamroller towards him. Kakashi almost panicked but instead grabbed a hole from another box and jumped into it, escaping the steamroller. He then jumped up onto the vehicle and kicked Itachi off. Dropping to the ground, he grabbed a barrel of glue and tried to bash Itachi's head in, but the dark man punched right into it. When his fist emerged, it was covered in glue, and he tried to punch Kakashi again, but he was stuck to the steamroller. Kakashi, seeing he had a chance to escape, ran to the Dip vehicle and tried to stop it, cringed at Itachi's screams were smothered by the crushing steamroller.
But it wasn't over. "Kakashi, look!" Gai called, motioning towards where Itachi had been crushed. The detective looked over and saw the judge get up and walk towards an air tank.
Kakashi gasped. "HOLY SHARINGANS!! THE MAN'S AN ANIME CHARACTER!!"
Itachi turned to the man. "Surprised?"
"...Honestly? Not really. That stupid freeway idea could only have been thought up by an anime character."
"Not just any anime character!" Itachi started up the air tank and re-filled himself so he was 3D again. Then he turned towards Kakashi, and his sunglasses fell off along with two plastic eyes. When he opened then, Itachi's eyes were bright red, and he had a huge, crazed smile on his face. Kakashi gasped in awe as he realized who it was. "Remember me, Kakashi?" Itachi asked as his voice got higher. "When I killed your partner?! I talked JUST...LIKE...THIS!!"
Too scared to think, Kakashi ran to stop the vehicle, but Itachi was faster. "TSUKUYOMI!!" the crazy anime character shouted, and his eyes cast a red haze about the room. Kakashi fell over, confused, and grabbed the first thing he could find. It was a hammer. "AMATERASU!!" Itachi screamed. A black fire started to spread about the room, but Kakashi dodged it in time to throw the hammer at another valve on the vehicle. Itachi turned and a long, hard blast of Dip came at him, blowing him backwards.
Anko screamed as the stream of Dip coming towards her increased, but it soon fell backwards, losing power. All of the Dip was now focused on Itachi, who cried out as he melted away into nothing.
Kakashi grabbed the controls and moved Gai and Anko out of the way just as the vehicle came closer. It destroyed the brick wall and made its way into Anime Town, where it was crushed by a bullet train. Satisfied, Kakashi opened all the fire hydrants to rid the floor of the Dip and set the married couple down on the ground. Anko embraced Gai happily and kissed him repeatedly. Kakashi shrugged. Why not let the two of them have some time?
Just then, sirens were heard. Ninkame burst into the warehouse with the police, Rin, and Yamato. "What in the name of Il Palazzo happened here?!" the car exploded, looking at the mess.
Rin stared at all that was left of Itachi. "Was that a rubber mask and paint?"
Kakashi nodded. "I'm sure you'll find it's a perfect match to the paint on the rope to the safe."
Yamato blinked and slowly realized what had happened. "Judge Itachi killed Iruka Umino..."
"And Asuma Sarutobi...and my partner Obito."
Rin glanced at Kakashi's shirt. "What's that?"
"Ink! Iruka sprayed me with some the other night. I dunno why it's appearing now though."
"It's disappearing, reappearing ink!" Gai squealed. "Iruka was such a genius!"
"Yeah, right!" Baby Sarutobi shouted. "If he was such a genius, why didn't he put the will where we could find it?!"
Kakashi grinned. "Gai," he began, "read that love letter to your wife."
"Sure!" Gai took the paper and started to read, but next text appeared underneath his writing. "IT'S THE WILL!!" he cried happily. "Iruka Umino has left Anime Town to the anime characters!!" All the characters that had escaped from the town cheered in joy. Kakashi took Rin's hand, and the woman gave him a kiss.
Anko picked up her husband and snuggled him. "Come on, Gai, let's go home." She winked. "I'll bake you a Carrot Cake of Youth." Gai laughed and threw his arms around his wife's neck, and everyone began their journey home.
And they all knew that, somehow, they would all live happily ever after.
Next: Tenten as Jane
(Author's Note: Here are all the anime references (in order) in case you're confused:
-Ryuk and L are from Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata's "Death Note"
-Edward and Alphonse Elric are from Hiromu Arakawa's "FullMetal Alchemist"
-Mugen, Jin, and Fuu are from Shinichiro Watanabe's (director) "Samurai Champloo"
-Sakura is from CLAMP's "Card Captor Sakura"
-Honey-sempai is from Bisco Hattori's "Ouran High School Host Club"
-Usagi/Sailor Moon is from Naoko Takeuchi's "Sailor Moon"
-Hitsugaya and Aizen are from Tite Kubo's "Bleach"
-Chi is from CLAMP's "Chobits"
-The Fairy Tail Guild is from Mashima Hiro's "Fairy Tail"
-The Dark Order is from Katsura Hoshino's "D. Gray-Man"
-The rap is from the 4kids dubbed version of Eiichiro Oda's "One Piece" (What Gai says about it is true.)
-Goku and Frieza are from Akira Toriyama's "Dragon Ball Z"
-Hinamizawa, Oyashiro-sama, Rika, Hanyuu, Rena, Keiichi, Mion, Shion, and Satoko are from Ryukishi07's "Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni"
-Osaka is from Kiyohiko Azuma's "Azumanga Daioh"
-Shuichi and Yuki are from Maki Murakami's "Gravitation"
-Italy is from Hidekaz Himaruya's "Hetalia"
-Death the Kid and Beezlebub are from Ookubo Atsushi's "Soul Eater"
-Mokona, Yuko, and the boy (Syaoran) are from CLAMP's "Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles" and "xxxHOLiC"
-Inu-Yasha is from Rumiko Takahashi's "Inu-Yasha"
-Il Palazzo is from Rikdo Koshi's "Excel Saga"
-All other characters mentioned are from "Naruto" and "Naruto: Shippuden")