I can not go back. I can only wish. I would paint you picture of those days, those very days, but I wont. Simply because it will do no good, it will only cause the broken to shatter and the shatter to dissolve. I look out the window, on this -to others- perfect day, filled with sun, light and energy. I sit by the window and watch the day past right before my eyes, I watch the days die right before my eyes. Sad it is to lose a day, but I have already lost life itself right before my eyes. I lost the reason I woke up, the reason I wanted to live and be free, the reason life was good. I lost. 80 years I have not yet changed one bit, no matter how hard I wish or cry these dry tears things stay the same. Nothing will change and I do not expect it too. The sun will set the moon will rise, I will not sleep, and I will never change a thing to this dull routine. I must go to school for I still look as if I am 17, when in reality I am 108. I should be an old maid, but I'm stuck in this body and my mind is sadly stuck in the past. I will never let go.
Flashback : 1918.
"Bella?" A males voice called from behind me, I quickly looked in the direction I heard my name, but unfortunately, I managed to trip over my own foot in the process. I began to fall forward and I squeezed my eyes shut waiting for the impact, but someone caught me holding my hands in theirs. I opened my eyes and I was met with the same eyes I dreamt about, those stunning green eyes.
"Hello Bella." The same boy from yesterday smiled that beautiful smile as he held me in his arms.
"Hello stranger." I smiled back.
"Edward." He corrected me.
"Edward." I breathed as he stared into my eyes, me melting as I stared into his. I felt like my head was being pulled closer to his, like so strange force pulling me closer, my eyes staring at his lips.
"Bella, I would like to take you out." He whispered to me in a daze his eyes searching my face with the same expression I imagine myself having right now. Millions of answers were flying thru my head, so many words I would like to say, so many things I would like to do, but I couldn't, he had me in such a daze. I felt my body heating up, and the electricity from his touch running in my body, pushing me forward, as if I was not close enough.
"Yes, that would be lovely." I choked out my eyes going over his eyes, mouth, lips, nose, skin, cheeks. Then he flashed that crooked grin and my heart skipped a beat.
"Edward." I murmured, very lowly to myself, how was he doing that?
"Yes." He whispered the same dazed tone as me.
"Edward?" A woman's voice sang from a crowd of people near, yet Edward did not turn his head to look his eyes still on me.
"Edward?" The woman's voice got a little closer, and Edward looked this time, he looked sort of annoyed as he stared off into the crowd of people.
"Bella. I have to go, that's my mother calling." He said as he unwrapped his arms from around me, a feeling of emptiness filled me and I broke out of the strange daze I was in.
"Uh - yes , you should." I breathed as I smoothed out the wrinkles of my dress.
"Edward?" The woman's voice called again and Edward's expression turned hurried.
"Bye Bella." He began to walk away, towards the woman's voice in the crowd of people.
"Bye Edward." I called after him as he disappeared in the crowd of people.
End of flashback.
I smiled at the memory so vivid and clear, the feel of his arms wrapped around me still here. Always here. I wish those arms never let go, never let this gaping hole in my chest spread, and ache. Things will never be the same, I can only wish they would a thousand times.
"Mommy." Emily sang her high voice so sweet like birds chirping in the blue and purple sky.
"Yes Emily." I answered in a whisper.
"Are you going to attend school with me this year momma?" She sat down in front of me and took my hand in her small little pale hand. I though the idea thru and I would not want to disappoint my dear daughter. Emily was born after her fathers death, Edward Masen, the love of my life . Emily got his stunning green eyes, that I couldn't bare to stare into with out sobbing, they reminded me to much of what I am missing. Emily says she hates her green eyes, because they make her mother sad, but she does not understand fully, her eyes never changed color, they always stayed green, even now when she is a vampire. . Emily never met her father, but adores him, she carries a picture of him in her locket. I tell her as much as I can, like how he was a composer of very magical songs, on his piano, and how he loved us very much and wanted me to tell her he loves her, every night before she goes to bed. Things did not end up as planned. One day I left Emily at my mothers house, and went to put fresh flowers on Edward's grave, and cried a few more tears. I remember the feel of the cool air brushing against my warm arms, I remember the feel of tears drops splattering on my knees.
"Hello stranger." I cried holding myself as I sit on his grave, so cold and lonely. Many flowers of different colors, and sizes, lay beside me, surrounding my loves grave.
"I miss you so much." I brushed my hand on the grass , and sniffed away a few tears.
"Emily said her first word." I couldn't hold back the sobs that escaped my lips, that woke some neighbors, and startled some animals.
"She said Momma, and Daddy." I cried, tears flowing freely down my cheeks. Nothing stopping them .
"We love you Edward, always and forever." I kissed his name on the tomb stone and traced the hard cold letters with my index finger.
"Excuse me miss?" A woman's voice came from behind me making me jump a little. I quickly wiped away my tears and turned to face the woman.
"Yes." I answered facing the woman now, but I was taken back. She was absolutely beautiful with pale skin and blonde long silk hair.
"May I help you?" I choked out as she began to step more into the moons light and when I could see her face clearly I froze. Her eyes, they were blood red, staring at me. In the blink of an eyes she was only 1 inch away from me, staring me down.
"You'll thank me later." She whispered and bit my neck.
End of flashback.
I shivered at the dark cold memory, the memory of the night that ruined my life. When I found out what I was I felt it cruel and rude to attack humans, therefore I hunt animals, it also keeps my eyes topaz gold, instead of an abnormal crimson color. After I was changed, Emily thought I had died, She was only 3 when it happened.. She had to live with my mother for a while, but I was busy controlling myself, doing anything possible to get my daughter back, I would not lose her, she was all that I had left. I went back and changed her when she was 14. She was very happy to see me and was a very fast learner.
"Momma?" Emily shook my knee, and I realized I had been day dreaming.
"Oh yes." I answered, her calling.
"Really, you'll go to school with me?" She smiled, and misunderstood my answer. I could not let her down now.
"Yes." I whispered and kissed her cheek.
"Oh thank you mommy!" She kissed my cheek and skipped out of the room. I giggled a bit at her excitement, most teenagers would dread their parents coming to school with them, but that was not the case with Emily, she loved my company and I loved hers. I would do absolutely anything for her.
"Edward, don't leave." I whispered as he held me in his arms by the lake , the blue sky reflecting on it, birds flying around us.
"And why would I do something like that?" He kissed my ear.
"You want to go to war, but I need you here" I felt one warm tear slide down my cheek. He was silent for a moment, just a little moment but in that short amount of time I became more upset. I couldn't control my tears, he tightened his grip on my waste, and pulled me a bit closer.
"Bella, I wont leave. I promise." He promised and kissed my cheek and then my ear.
"You promise forever." I turned to look into those stunning green eyes.
"Forever my Bella."
End of flashback.
Its to bad forever didn't last, oh how I wish it did. How I wish it did. Emily wish we had him forever.
"Emily." I called in a whisper surely she would hear me. In less than a second she was in the room, her bronze curls hanging by her shoulders.
"Yes mommy?" She asked politely.
"When does school start?" I asked.
"Tomorrow." She smiled.
"Oh." I frowned.
"Its okay mommy, we will be fine." She smiled at me.
"Yes fine." I nodded and she skipped out of the room once more. Such a beautiful angel she was, My little Emily. There was simply nothing to do, or a place to be. The sun was about to go down now, setting far in the distance, so big you wanted to touch it. Something like my beautiful apple tree, the one I met Edward under.
Apple tree, my favorite thing to look at , to even watch. Such a fascinating plant it is, others would find it foolish or wasteful to stop by a tree, just to look or maybe sit under and read. I happen to find it the most beautiful thing created, the way the apples glisten in the sun light, shining just from an angle making the red apples look so ripe and clean. I live to see those apples glisten and shine. Everyday before mother and father get home, I grab a book and my sketching supplies, and run to Hansen St. 3 blocks away from my street, people often stare or wonder where I am in such a hurry, but I need to see that tree before the sun goes down, so I have the perfect light to sketch it in. I know someday the tree will be gone, and I will have to look upon bushes and orange trees to sketch, but at least I will have sweet pictures and memories of this very perfect apple tree. Something about it made me feel home, alive almost, like there was such thing as being completely flawlessly perfect. Mother thinks I'm crazy for thinking so much of a tree, but she doesn't understand, things in my eyes. The way I feel beauty should be shown, the way I feel when new apples have grown, the way this tree gives me some kind of hope, that the world could once again all become just as beautiful as this tree. Father thinks I'm just young and it's a phase I'm going thru. But I have already promised to love this tree forever. Who cares if I am only 17. Sometimes as I'm running I forget I am running just like now, I turn the corner in a daze and spot the perfect plant, near the park , behind the swings, in the middle of the green field.
"There." I breathed. I ran past the lovely park and right to the field where the tree stands, I laid my book and down and sat myself down comfortably and began to sketch. The wind played in my hair as I sketched branches and ripe apples hanging from them.
"Hello." A almost velvet voice asked. I stopped drawing and stared at the persons boots, by his voice I could tell it was a male. I eyed his boots then looked up further at his pants then right up to meet his perfect face, and his emerald green eyes staring down at me curiously. He looked the same age as me, possibly older.
"Hello." I nodded, my head once.
"I'm sorry, am I interrupting you?" The boy tilted his head looking a bit guilty.
"Oh no, not at all." I shook my head but why would such stunning be concerned.
"May I sit?" The boy looked at the grass next to me as it danced in the wind. I had to let his words sink deep into my head before I could answer. He wanted to sit with me?"Uh- yes, if you would like." I nodded. With that he took a seat next to me, looking up at the beautiful apple tree. A strange young man I would say, never do any boys or men pay much attention to plain old me.
"You come here often?" His emerald eyes were on me now, curiosity burning deep in his eyes.
"I do." I smiled, not sure of why he would care, but a person to talk to was always nice.
"It is a beautiful tree isn't it." The boy stated his eyes wandering up and down the tree, could he love it as much as me?
"Indeed." I stated now my eyes wandering up and down the tree. Now it was silent as we just stared at the tree, really it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, next to this boy sitting next to me. I blushed at my own thought.
"Its perfect, such thing shouldn't just be in a field, maybe a museum, but that wouldn't quite fit either." The boy smiled at a branch and then looked down back at me, his smile heartbreakingly beautiful and his words so true I could kiss him.
"Yes! Exactly." I smiled back at this perfect stranger. His glorious green eyes smiling down at me, his bronze hair, bright and wild in the sun and wind, he was the nicest boy I have ever seen or met.
"Do you live near?" he finally spoke, and broke the stare, I blushed at that very short but nice moment.
"3 blocks away actually" I smiled a friendly smile. "Do you live near?""I live in that house right there." He pointed to a pretty white house, very classy and elegant, I had seen it before. A very nice house it was.
"How long?" I asked curiously, you would think I would have seen him around before.
"2 years." He chuckled.
"I've never seen you around town." I looked back down at my sketches.
"I've seen you run to this tree I think about 3 times before." His voice was soft. I looked up and his eyes were just as soft.
"I just so happen to adore this tree… I must have looked extremely idiotic to you." I blushed.
"No I envied I couldn't come and join you under this tree, and look I finally am."
"Are you this nice to all the strangers you meet?"
"Only the pretty ones." He flashed a crooked grin that almost made me melt. Wait did he just call me pretty? I must have heard wrong or something. I couldn't even respond, so of course instead I blushed. Again it went silent and I went back to sketching, because I was becoming to aware he was sitting only a few inches away from me. My sketching was a little off due to the strange urge to turn and look at him, I promised myself I would not do so until he spoke. Which he didn't which made things a lot harder for me. Why was he making me behave so strangely, he's just a boy for crying out loud. All of a sudden a beautiful red apple fell directly in between the boy and I, we both stared at it, completely shocked. Apple very rarely fell from this tree, any one who watched it or knew it would know that, and no one dare pick it from the tree. The tree had to be ready to let the apple go, I once told my mother, who visited the tree with me once before. The boy reached out to hold cup it with two hands, the red apple in his pale hands, I had an idea.
"Don't move." I ordered as I began to sketch the apply being held in his hands. It only took me a few minutes, but when I was done I was proud.
"Look." I showed him my sketch and his eyes went wide.
"You are an amazing artist." He stated eyeing the drawing.
"Thank you." I blushed and looked down at the grass. Suddenly I realized the sun was starting to go down and my parents would be home any minute, I needed to leave.
"I'm very sorry but I must hurry back home." I grabbed my sketch out of his hands and grabbed my book by my side and got up to my feet, as did he.
"Its been very nice." I said hurriedly as I smoothed the wrinkles out of my dress. I was about to walk off but his hand grabbed mine, sending electric waves thru my whole body, the feeling completely foreign to me.
"Will I see you again…" He wasted for me to say my name.
"Oh its Bella, and possibly." I unwillingly took my hand out of his and began to run back home.
End of flashback.