Im not going to apologize for taking FOREVER to post this chapter. there is no excuse you want to hear from me other then i know i suck. i have two other chapters finished and ready to be typed up and hopefully they will be out soon.
I want to thank my goddesses and FF BFF's for kicking my ass into gear. this chapter had been written for 3 months but with the help of my girls Jaspers Izzy and Megara Megumi and a WC i got this chapter typed in a total of 2.5 hours (i hand write this story for some odd reason).
Jaspers Izzy was my beta on this chapter and she is an amazing goddess that deserves praise for all she does for me. i would be lost without her.
Now, if i still have any readers, i hope you enjoy.
There is only Pain in Truth
Leaving Bella so soon after I had arrived made me feel like shit. I hadn't been around enough as it was, and then to know that my family was also away for the weekend, made me feel that much more like the pile the of crap I truly was.
Bella was stuck in the Cullen House all by herself, thinking that her fiancé, the one that loved her, was off finishing some family business. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it didn't seem to matter. I did love Bella, just not in the way I had used to.
There was a time when the thought of being away from her caused me great pain. Though, not anymore. I had once thought she was my soul mate, the one that I would spend the rest of her days with, and had once gone so far as to try and join her in the after life when I had thought she was dead, but I had found my true soul mate in another.
It had not been on purpose, of that I can assure you. I had no idea that the fight with the newborns, the fight to save the love of my life, would bring me a new love. I had not expected to find a true soul mate when I had thought I had already found one, nor did I think that Bella could possibly be the path to my true love.
She had meant so much to me, she still did. I was ready to give up the life I wanted with my true love just to keep Bella happy. Even though I was willing to do this, I couldn't get the little voice out of the back of my head that kept asking, "Was I keeping her happy? Or was I doing it just to prevent myself from looking like the double crossing lying jerk I truly was?" I couldn't help but question my motives. Was I marrying Bella to keep her happy or to keep myself from looking bad?"
I had been living this lie for six months without a second thought. Six months of a triple life and no one, not even my love, knew what kind of pain it had been causing me. Lying and cheating, sneaking around and walking all over Bella's trust, wasn't something I ever would have thought I was capable of, but all that changed during the fight with the newborns.
Suddenly my life shifted. I'm still the tortured soul everyone had come to expect. Though it had gotten better once Bella came into my life, but it had gotten worse over the months, my guilt of everything that had happened was eating me alive. My whole family had noticed how sullen i had become and Emmett had decided to change my name to Emoward. I guess he had noticed the despair I had been feeling, but the fact still remained that none of them truly understood just how tortured I had become.
I stopped running and sat down in a small clearing. It was the same one we had had the baseball game all those months ago. An odd sensation washed over me as I lay down on the ground. I was in the exact place where everything I had known had changed. I had just started to accept Bella into my life when they walked into my life.
Goddamn nomads always fucking shit up. Two years ago James, Laurent and Victoria had started in motion a chain of events even Alice couldn't have foresee. It took everything the Cullen's and I had ever known and threw it out the window.
Had I known then what I know now, I would have never been in that clearing that fateful day. But would that really have prevented what I was going through now from happening? The answer was a definite no! My true love would have still come into my life but maybe I would have been able to resist the pull. Though truth be told I doubted that I would have been able to resist the pull. It was just too strong. I had tried for months to break its grip on me to remain with Bella, but I was weak and the desire won in the end. The truth of the matter was, when you find that person you are meant to be with, nothing, not even heaven or hell can keep you from them.
Heaven and Hell! I laughed out loud at the analogy I had used to describe why I couldn't stay away. The simple fact was I was headed for hell, no doubt in my mind. If not for the simple fact that I am a vampire, and it was where I belonged, then surely for what I was putting Bella through.
"I thought I might find you here." The smooth melodic voice of the one I loved broke me from my musings and caused me to jump, so much for vamperic hearing. The sweet voice turned into a ringing gale of laughter.
"Shut up!" I said in mock anger, I never could stay mad for long. The laughter slowly died away as the face of its owner turned stoic and serious.
"Sorry Babe, you must have been really deep in thought not to have heard me coming. Whatcha thinkin' bout so hard?" I sighed as one word slipped through my lips.
"Bella." A deep sigh came from the spot next to me as my love lay beside me on the grass. Arms wrapped around me and pulled me close, into a tight hug. I remained face up looking at the cloudy sky, willing it to rain. I wanted the heavens to weep for my pain, as I was unable to shed a single tear.
"Yeah, Me too," said the voice beside me. "I don't like this Edward. I understand why it has to be this way, but don't you think Bella deserves better?" Bella did deserve better, they both did, but neither of them were going to get better. It all came down to the fact that I was a coward. A yellow bellied, chicken shit coward. Bella would get my eternal life, but the one beside me would have my undead heart for the rest of my time on this earth.
I stood up quickly, breaking the embrace more forcefully then I had intended. Not for the first time was I grateful that my love was not a fragile human like Bella. The force of my standing would have ripped her arms off, effectively killing her. I looked down into the hurt and startled face of my beloved and felt my stone heart break that much more.
"I'm sorry my love, but this is how it has to be. I'm marrying Bella in two days and nothing can change that. I love you more then life itself, but I can't hurt Bella anymore. She doesn't deserve this from either of us." I leaned down and pulled my love up and kissed, for the last time, the soft pouty lips I loved so much. "I have to go."
Those were the last words uttered in the clearing. I didn't allow time from a response. I started running as soon as I released my love. I ran for over an hour with no destination in mind. I knew I wasn't being followed. Eventually I broke down and let the dry sobs rip from my stone, dead heart somewhere in Canada. I hated how the emotions took over, but I needed to let my pain and sorrow out. It was eating me up inside knowing what I was doing to the people that loved and trusted me. I wasn't just hurting Bella and my love, but when all of this comes out, because at some point it will, my whole family will be hurt by my lies and deceit.
The dry sobs took over my body like an earthquake. There was no way I was doing the right thing. How could I be doing the right thing? If this was the right choice why did it feel so wrong? I could walk away from Bella, its not like she's in any danger. There were no more bloodthirsty vampires out to kill her; my family with the help of the mutts had put a stop to that.
However, the Vultori were expecting her to be turned. I was sure they would be visiting soon to check up on me to make sure I made good on Alice's promise. I knew that they would kill her if they visited again and found her human. So yes, I thought I was doing the right thing, but deep down inside it felt so wrong .
How could I turn her, condemn her to this life when I was no longer in love with her? I was stealing her life to make myself feel better or some stupid shit like that. I knew she wanted this but would she still want it after she found out what a liar I have become? I was stuck! I had no way out of this. Make Bella a vampire and hope that she will eventually forgive me or allow the Vultori to kill her. I was doing the best I could. I had made this mess and I was determined to make this situation as right as I could. I was going to marry Bella. She was what was important, her happiness mattered, not mine.
It was a few hours before the dry sobs released me and I was able to get up and finally return to the task at hand. I had to get back to Bella. I had to put this right. I had made my choice and it was time for me to face the music. Maybe in time I could learn to re-love Bella, but I know that if I needed to learn to re-love that it was a lost cause.
I'm not a complete idiot, though to be quiet honest, if an outsider were to examine my actions of the past few years, I am sure they would disagree and call me worse things then an idiot. The fact still remained that I didn't want to have to learn to love her again. I wished I still loved her, but I didn't. I didn't want to hurt her, and I silently prayed Emmett never found out what I had done, I knew for a fact what he would do to me if he found out. He had the most vivid imagination of any vampire or human I had ever met, and I had seen many times what he would do to me if I ever hurt Bella again.
I had only taken one step forward; on my way to a life I was dreading, when my phone beeped. I pulled it out and was shocked to see that I had two text messages. One from the person I had left my heart with which had three simple words, "I love you." The other was from Alice informing me that she would be at the house in 6 hours. I started running.
The wedding was so close; Alice coming back meant crunch time. I would have no opportunity to see my beloved; I had said my goodbyes in the clearing. That would have to do.
The run from Canada to Forks helped to take my mind off of my impending doom and allowed me to clear my head. It was nice to run without thought, to wipe all my fears, doubts and cares away. It was a luxury I was so rarely afforded. The only problem was the run wasn't long enough. Before I knew it, I was in the woods behind my house. I came to a sudden stop; the smell of blood hit me like the force of a MAC truck. I knew that smell; I had tasted that blood before. My body wanted it, it craved it. Bella! Bella was bleeding in a house of vampires.
I crept closer to the house being sure to remain undercover in case someone was around. I only picked up one other scent in the air. Sandalwood, vanilla, mint and apples with a hit of cinnamon. It was a scent I knew all too well. Jasper. My guard was up the instant I smelled him. If Bella was bleeding and he was around, he would surly have been the cause or at the very least the cause of her demise.
I could see him clearly from where I was standing but what stopped me from rushing in and saving Bella, was the fact that for the first time in six months, I could hear Jasper's thoughts.
"Jasper, stay cool. Bella is your friend. She's not something to eat." He kept repeating these words over and over. His control was the best I had ever seen it. He was stronger then I had given him credit for. He was however, concentrating solely on not attacking Bella because there was no way in hell I would be able to stand this close to him and have him not know it. He was a master of wars and a man that held the weight of the world on his shoulders. That is not the kind of man you sneak up on and yet, I being the fool that I was, was doing just that. Jasper was determined not to hurt Bella.
I stayed in the shadows as I crept closer; ready to step in if I had to. Part of me knew that if Jasper did attack Bella all my problems would be gone, but it wasn't even an option. Bella didn't deserve that fate and Jasper didn't deserve that guilt on his conscience. He has clearly been doing so much better, and Bella practically screamed her head off begging me to trust Jasper.
"Just go inside and get Carlisle's bag. You can do this Jazz, I have faith in you." Bella's voice brought me back to the dangers of the situation at hand. I stood in shock as Bella defiantly placed a hand on my brothers cheek and she spoke more slowly making sure he was truly understanding what she was saying to him, "I have faith in you Jasper. You can beat the hunger. You are stronger than it." At her touch Jasper relaxed but her words gave him hope. I could feel it radiating off of him. I was jealous that she had these effects on him. I had always been so tense under her touch; afraid I was going to hurt her. But her presence didn't seam to bother him. He was as calm and relaxed around her as I was around… It can't be, can it? Could all my problems really be solved that easily?
Still think Y'all know who edward is sleeping with? click that button down there and tell me what you think :) you all should have it figured out soon. im leaving hints for you EVERYWHERE.