I obviously don't own Naruto.

Just a random drabble brought on by seeing Sasuke's face again in the latest chapter, about his wanting to destroy Konoha. In my fit of irritation with his self-centeredness, I decided to write out a version of what's really on Sasuke's mind.

Spoilers for chapter 400 onwards.


Delusion


He remembers that time he'd cried, the tears rolling down his cheeks; he thought they'd never stop.

And now he's in the same spot again, the salty liquid leaking from his eyes.

Crying again, for the first time in seven years.

Seven years ago, he'd cried because of him.

Now, he's crying because of the same man again.

His kind, older brother whom he never knew.

The kind, older brother who had never changed; only he was too blind to see anything.

The brother whom he had spent the past eight years hating with a white hot fury that burned to the fiber of his being, whom's death he imagined countless times. He'd fantasized countless times how he'd make that piece of shit die a painful death, make him drown in his blood.

Each time, relishing the moment he would get to put an end to that fucking traitor, that murderer.

Or the dreams would be of another variety, where he was there on that night again, crying, you're not, you can't be my brother, my brother isn't like this.

Why, Itachi-nii? The broken voice of the eight-year old boy who had never really grown up, even all these years, he's still that frightened eight-year-old Sasuke on that night.

Somewhere, some part of him knew the reason by he was so angry, why he'd felt so betrayed was because he'd loved Itachi. He had looked up to and respected his elder brother. He'd thought he'd known him, he had trusted Itachi.

The sight of the brother he thought he knew standing over his parents' bloodied body had been the ultimate betrayal of that trust.

And that's precisely why it hurt so bad, because it wasn't someone he never liked from the beginning. Because it was someone he'd loved, someone he'd been close to, it hurt so bad.

Because it was like he didn't know Itachi anymore.

And now the thought that he could ever have harbored such hateful thoughts towards the brother who had given up his life to protect him made his heart clench painfully.

He's going to destroy Konoha, he says, his voice is determined, the sense of purpose in them unmistakable.

But he cannot dispel the hollow feeling of emptiness he feels.

Itachi's dead, he's not coming back.

His hands are bloody, with his brother's blood.

He's a murderer.

He's the monster he thought Itachi to be.

If he hadn't been so stupid, so oblivious and blind, Itachi would still be alive.

If he hadn't been so blind, maybe he would have found out the machinations of those disgusting pieces of shit on the village council that had stolen his life that could have been.

He says he's going to destroy Konoha, because to him, Itachi's life was worth more than the Hidden Leaf.

He wants to crush Konoha, because it is revenge. They stole Itachi's entire life and identity. They twisted, warped his mind, and ripped those precious familial bonds between he and his brother to pieces without batting an eye.

They deserved to feel the same pain that he had, that's the whole logic this is running on.

Even as he takes the steps towards the direction he knows will eventually carry him to Fire country- and then onwards to the Hidden Leaf, at the back of his mind, there is an ever-present sense of finality.

He may be strong, he may have been trained by a Sannin, he might have the Mangekyou Sharingan, but there was no doubt the numerical odds would be daunting.

He might not win. He might even die And yet he still steps forward.

It occurs to him faintly that it's only because he now has nothing to live for, because all these eight years, his goal to kill Itachi had been his life, had defined him.

And now he finds out that everything he thought he knew has just been one, giant lie. That'd he had been misguided, misled all along.

That he'd wronged Itachi all these years, even if his brother had done it to protect him, why had he been unable to trust in him, to have seen the truth beyond all the lies?

Suddenly, he doesn't have an identity.

He's just angry, but he's also sad and lost-because his beloved brother is dead-, and he doesn't have a direction.

No, he does have one.

He'll destroy Konoha, where everything had begun. The village that had been the downfall of his clan from the very beginning.

...That's a lie.

He's just conveniently picking Konoha, there's no powerful force of will behind it, despite what it seems.

You just want to end it all in a blaze of glory instead of quietly fading into obscurity; instead of being found drowned in a river like cousin Shisui, or in a room unbreathing, an empty cup reeking of a corrosive poison next to you.

Because you know you've wasted your life, allowing your desire for revenge to control you, you've now gone down beyond the point of no return.

Because you have too many regrets.

You regret hating him all these years, when he'd done everything to protect you.

You regret that you were too stupid, that you didn't see that on that night, the traitor, the psychopath, the scum, the man you want to kill- you couldn't see that he was crying.


His eyes may be red with the Mangekyou Sharingan, but they're glassy and empty.

He's just a shadow, an empty shell haunted by memories of the pieces of what used to be his life, thinking of what could-have-beens.

A shadow of a human being who has lost his purpose.


Somehow, he feels careless with his life. He has no more dreams to continue to stay alive for, to have screaming in his head: I can't die now.

He knows that almost clearly, but at the same time, he doesn't acknowledge it.

Of course he wants to destroy Konoha, to see them burn, as revenge for the people whole stole Itachi's life and his whole identity. Of course it's because he hates the Hidden Leaf so much, that's why he doesn't mind if he dies- as long as he takes Konoha with him.

Somewhere, he knows he's just lying to himself, but he doesn't really mind.


Because Itachi was everything.

And now that he's dead, Uchiha Sasuke doesn't want to live.


End.