I should have listened to you when you said, "That's not true."
And I think I heard you say, "I would", but that could have been my nonexistent heart making me think I heard those words.
Now, as I step toward my fate, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I had stayed with you—if I hadn't been so eager to find out the reason for my existence. Would I lay beside you safe in your arms while Sora slept on? Would Kingdom Hearts be completed and we would be able to live our lives as Somebodies?
Or would I have been whisked away by Riku regardless?
Would you have interfered? And be destroyed by DiZ just for being a Nobody?
Even though we're Nobodies, I could feel our hearts beating.
DiZ said that Nobodies aren't entitled to life, but I refuse to accept that. Why else would the world allow us to exist in such a despondent state? The world is really cruel, isn't it, Axel?
To say that I have no regrets at the end of the line would be doing injustice to my memories. I have too many regrets and too many apologies I feel like I should make.
I regret that I didn't listen to you.
I regret that I had quashed the warmth, whether natural or artificial, when I stood next to you when we fought.
I regret that I had forgotten all of the fond memories we had together even though it wasn't my fault.
I regret that I never got to kiss you.
I wished that everything could've been different.
Maybe it would've been better if I didn't fight you and just followed you back to the Organization. Who knows, maybe we would be hunting Heartless right now. And you would treat me to sea-salt ice cream like always. Or maybe I would be the one swiping the treats for us.
But we both know that that's not going to happen. I'm walking towards my doom while you are probably in the real Twilight Town accepting my fate. Are you mourning for me? Would I even mourn for you if our roles were reversed?
Do you remember your real name, Axel?
I didn't remember until now. Staring at Sora's sleeping face. I wish I didn't know it. I wish I didn't have to know it.
Will you kill Sora the next time you see him? Knowing perfectly well that hiding behind that exterior is a tiny being you once knew? Will I even be the same if Sora did become a Heartless?
Naminé promised that I'll see her again after I returned to Sora. But I want to see you again too.
I want to be able to hold you with my two arms. I want to be able to snuggle up against your warm body as we looked at the perpetual sunset in Twilight Town, at Kingdom Hearts that lit up the sky in The World That Never Was.
I want to be able to play in the snow with Demyx and Xigbar, throwing snowballs at each other even though Xemnas severely disapproved of it. I want to be able to learn how to play cards with Luxord and beat him like you and Xigbar had.
I regret that I will never be able to do those things ever again.
I'm here now, standing right in front of Sora. Just one touch and I'll disappear from this world forever. Fade back into the darkness.
My stomach is churning. Is it possible for Nobodies to feel fear? To feel dread so strong that it makes us violently ill? Or do we just have the memories of such sensations?
I don't want to do it. I don't want to let Sora absorb me. I don't want to fade away like I've never had a life. I want to live!
I so desperately want to just step away from my fate. Escape this cruel idea of a joke. It is a joke, right?
But my feet won't move. My eyes won't let me look away from the sleeping face, stirring as though some memory played behind those closed eyelids. I wonder what he's remembering. Riku? Kairi? His friends from the many worlds that he's been to before the whole fiasco at Castle Oblivion?
I know he doesn't remember Naminé. She's said that much from her behavior with me. Her words, though never directly stating it, hinted as much. He wouldn't even remember you from then. Or Zexion. Or Lexaeus. Or Vexen. Or even Marluxia and Larxene. No one would remember them when Organization XIII is gone. We'll all fade away… Fade away into the darkness like DiZ said we would. Like we should.
Suddenly, your catchphrase "Got it memorized?" bore no meaning.
I hate this.
I think I hear my heart thumping in my ear, but I'm starting to doubt my own senses. I feel cold but my body won't shiver to warm up. I can't even move to get the blood flowing. Do I even have blood in the first place?
Even worse is that I think I can feel someone watching me. I guess that is to be expected since DiZ and Riku are waiting for me to reunite with Sora.
Reunite, what a funny word. I've never met Sora before, even though I'm supposed to be a part of him. And yet, I'm having a "reunion" with him. I'd much prefer a reunion with you and the rest of the Organization. At least you guys understand what I'm going through.
Nobodies have to look out for Nobodies, right?
Or are we all so heartless that our "friends" are nothing but tools to help ourselves achieve our ultimate goal?
We don't even know if having Kingdom Hearts will let us be Somebodies.
Maybe they were right. Maybe we should just fade away into the darkness like the good Nobodies we are. After all, our existence messes up the perfect order of their worlds. We shouldn't have existed since we defy all physics of their worlds. It makes no sense though. Why can Heartless, a manifestation of the heart succumbed to the darkness, exist, but their counterparts, the Nobodies, manifestations of the mind, cannot? Must not?
Do you know, Axel?
It's ironic too, when you think about it. Magic can exist, but Nothingness can't. Material doesn't just appear out of nowhere. Beings don't spring out from the void.
I wonder why DiZ or Riku aren't here to force me onto Sora. It would be so simple, just pick up an arm that's hanging limply at my sides and make it touch Sora's own body. It's not hard at all. Maybe they're afraid that if they did it, a part of their consciousness would inadvertently be transferred to Sora. Maybe they knew that this would only work if I was a willing participant in this disgusting reunion.
Or maybe you guys are trying to reach me. To rescue me from my doomed fate. Would you have known that this was my destiny when you saw Sora at Castle Oblivion? Surely you must've known that I'm the Nobody of a Keyblade Master.
DiZ had told me to share my anger with Sora. Sora was too nice, he said. But I can't bring myself to share myself with my Other. That would just mean that I would lose my individuality. I would no longer be Roxas, a friend of you, of Hayner, Pence, Olette, of Naminé, of people who I now remember but at the same time don't. I guess I won't be making Sora mad at the worlds after all.
I could feel my entire body resigning to my fate. And one of my arms rose without my actual knowledge. I look at the appendage with detached thoughts. It's like I'm not doing it myself, but an unexplained attraction between two parts of a being was pulling me towards the shaggy, brown-haired Keyblade Master who wore clothes that were much too small for him.
Like a moth to a flame…
I can't resist the pull. It's impossible. He's my Other…as much as I feared this moment.
Promise me that you won't forget me? Ever?
Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts does NOT belong to me as much as I wish it were otherwise. My sole possessions of KH are the games themselves and a Chocobo cell phone decoration. Oh wait, that's from FF.
A/N: I started this one-shot a long time ago… I think around the same time that I began writing The Heart of a Nobody. It's canon in the sense that it deals with Roxas's thoughts in the white room where Sora has been in suspended animation for an entire year while Naminé worked to repair his chains of memories. However, Roxas seems much more nihilistic and bitter in this stream of consciousness-like fic, which means that he's a bit out of character compared to how he is in the game. At least, in my opinion. Still, I think this is a possible scenario and interpretation for Roxas's thoughts.