Disclaimer - All rights belong to Teletoon, Cartoon Network, and the creators of Total Drama. No profit is being made in the making of the fanfiction. This alternate-universe episode of TD contains stunts performed by written teens. Please do not sue, or send Cease-And-Desist notices; we don't need more of those around.
The Kobold Necromancer's Notes - Yes, it has been a while. If you've been paying attention to my Deviant Art journal, you would know why I haven't posted in so very long. I'm going to come out and say this here and now: the feedback I receive for this is going to be crucial to if I continue it.
Let me know if this chapter is as good as you remember the story, and be honest. Be brutal. And stay thirsty, my friends.
Chapter 47 - Station Personal Are Really Krazy Lazy Employees
(Day 1 of the RV Race.)
(Team 1 - Alfred, Mandy, Sakaki, Sebastian, Tyler, Dawn.)
"Are we there yet?" Mandy whined. "It feels like we've been driving for months!"
"Mandy, we've been driving for an hour," Tyler assured her, gesturing towards the window. "It's still daylight outside."
"It feels like it has been months. So many months since we've been anywhere."
"Look, you can see the city that Maclean Stadium is in from the back-"
"MONTHS, I TELL YOU!"
Dawn hummed a little as she glanced over the book she was reading. "Her aura is most troubled, the poor thing."
"Dawn, there's something about Mandy you should know," Tyler said to the moon child intern.
"Oh, and what is that~?"
"She is a cultist who wants the Old Gods to rise up and wipe out all life on the planet, every last human, animal, and plant. Everything."
"Yeah, she's troubled."
"I'll say~, that's not very nice."
"You have a way with understatements."
Dawn stared out the window for a few seconds, watching the clouds roll by, forgetting the book she had been reading. She twiddled her fingers, then asked, "Sebastian, what is the general plan for this journey?"
"Hmm?" Sebastian grunted, glancing back from driving. "Why's it my call?"
"You are obviously the best to lead this group~. You have the skills and responsibility to lead us forward."
Mandy scoffed loudly at this. "Whaddabout me?!"
"You have a general desire to rebel against any form of establishment, you personally liked being guided, and have a tendency to say things in a way that can be interpreted wrong."
"Oh, I ain't hearing that! I'll come over there and grind you up, hippie chick! I grind you so hard," Mandy flustered to think of a proper hand gesture, so she banged her fists together as she spoke, "you'll be screaming up at your precious sky for mercy!"
"My point exactly~."
"Ub, suh wha duh yoo wand, Seb?" Alfred, trying hard to control the nose bleed he had from the mental pictures he had formed unintentionally, asked their newly appointed leader.
"Hmm, well, Sakaki?" Sebastian asked his passenger seat partner. "Could you get the map out?"
Sakaki, who had shrunk into her seat since she had placed herself there, nodded a twitch and unfolded the map. "Um, well, if you want to keep driving… you could keep driving down this freeway for a while."
"As opposed to?" Tyler asked, confused.
"I don't know… stuff?"
Tyler sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Okay, this is kind of silly. Of course we're going to keep driving, but we have to stop somewhere for dinner, and then somewhere for the night. Unless we want to drive through the night?"
"I like your thinking, Tyler," Dawn complimented. "You've become a lot more assertive and thorough since Total Drama Comeback! It is impressive, seeing how mature you want to be for your friends and girlfriend~!"
Tyler loosened his shirt collar as he tried to hide his blushing face. He normally didn't like having his feelings discussed publicly, but it was hard to become mad at the friendly moon child. "Um, right, Dawn. So, where you all want to stop for dinner? Any preferences?"
"Any place with red meat," Mandy exclaimed.
"I prefer not to eat meat," Dawn stated.
"I'll cook up your red meat, ya blond hippie!"
"I am a vegetarian, but I am sure there are salads at many places we can go~."
"Are you ignoring me?" the cultist chick continue to cry incredulously at the clearly calm moon child. "What, can you not handle the meat?!"
"Is sea food okay with you all?" Sebastian asked as he glanced at the map. "A far distance from here is a nice sea food chain I like. Dawn, you okay with fish?"
"Not normally, but I could make an exception, Sebastian~!"
"Um, I'm okay with sea food," Sakaki said, so quiet that Sebastian barely heard her. "If that's okay?"
"Oh, you want sea food now?" Mandy roared indignantly. "What, you want clams?"
"Clams are fine," Dawn admitted, twirling her hair in her finger as she watched the clouds again.
"Clams aren't okay with me, hippie! I'll grab a small mouth bass and smack your meal away if you cross me! My small mouth against your clams, let's have at it!"
"MANDY," Alfred shouted, pinching his nose desperately to stop the nose bleed. "Stop! Talking! Before you KILL me!"
(RV Confessional Booth - Personally, we like lobster.)
Alfred - *adjusting to the confessional room in the RV, sticking a couple tissues in his nose* "I don't know why Mandy's on Dawn's case, and even if it is kind of hot to see her riled up, I wish she wasn't so mean to our new friend. I think she's a little jealous because Dawn is special like her, but most people are taking a shine to her."
Mandy - "I ain't jealous of that hippie girl with the perfect alabaster skin, those wavy locks of goldenrod hair, those eyes you could easily get lost in for hours…"
Tyler - "Someone needs to teach Mandy a little bit of restraint, we could hear her ranting about Dawn outside of this room! … It was kind of hot, when you take it out of context."
Mandy - "Those legs with that cute skirt, that baby girl voice that you could listen to reading from the dictionary and not lose interest…"
Sakaki - *sadly staring down at her feet* "Ever since the challenge started, Sebastian has been getting along so well with Dawn… I really thought he was interested in me, but I guess not. I don't blame him… who'd be interested in me, I cannot even speak up for myself."
Sebastian - "I knew Sakaki would be okay with sea food, I've seen her eat it before. I just wonder why she's so glum, is she not enjoying this challenge? Maybe it's Mandy."
Mandy - "And I'm sure she has that soft, velvety texture to those stupidly perfect breasts she has trapped under that sweater of hers…"
Dawn - *She peeks down her own sweater, then smiles back up at the camera.* "Well, I'm only a B-cup, but thank you, Mandy dear!"
Mandy - "And don't go taking what I say out of context, you pack of perverts! For this entire trip, I'm going to be slamming into her nonstop, and I don't need you all on my ass when it's happening!"
Tyler - *face palming* "Ugh… okay, this is just day one, and already this trip is obscene. I wonder if the others are having as hard of a time?"
(Day 1 of the RV Race.)
(Team 2 - Lindsay, Geoff, Gwen, Belinda, Anita, Sierra.)
"And he has the most adorable pair of green underpants that you've ever seen! Now I haven't seen him wear them, but man, they are cute! It's like, they match his brown hair perfectly, and I know that doesn't make a lot of sense…"
"Um, yes, that's nice, but really-"
"And I think he's really ticklish underneath his arms, but I haven't kissed him there yet. I'm thinking one day, I'm gonna surprise and give him a tickle there!"
"Alright, yes, fine! More than enough information!"
"And I still haven't figured out if he likes tongue in kissing or not…"
"Stop it, Lindsay," Sierra exclaimed, "this is seriously not what I meant when I asked about your dating life with Tyler!"
Lindsay blinked a great deal, and asked, "What? But I thought you wanted the juicy details. Are you asking what kind of fruit we prefer?"
The fan girl interviewer leaned back in her seat and stared at the window. Sure, she was rather excited to be with the Total Drama cast, new and old, but she was more concerned with Anita, who was a possible candidate for a girlfriend for her beloved Cody.
Anita, however, was distracted with Geoff, who hadn't said anything in all the time the challenge started. He was staring at the floor of the RV, as if trying to find a hole in it to crawl into. Since Anita had always been a fan of Geoff's friendly nature, it disturbed her to see him like this.
Geoff, of course, was busy thinking about what was going to happen when everything came out in the open. If not during the show, then afterwards; he couldn't stop them from watching the show after it was done, right? Maybe… just maybe, he could buy every single copy of Total Drama Battlegrounds on DVD! Yes, he could do that if he won the five million dollars! That way, Gwen could never find out he had participated in voting off Trent!
Gwen was thinking hard about Lindsay, instead of her friend's mopey boyfriend. The goth girl wanted to ask Lindsay to ask Tyler to stop bothering her about her problems back at the stadium, but she couldn't think of how to ask that without sounding weird. Gwen hated sounding weird, she only liked looking it (in a relative sense, weird is a very ambiguous word; on one hand, Weird Goth Girl was an insult to her, but "Weird Al" Yankovic had even her approval).
Lindsay was busy thinking not about her boyfriend, though she had been gushing about him to Sierra. She was thinking about Belinda on their team, and what she was thinking of her. Lindsay worried if the allegedly clairvoyant could really read her mind, and someone would know that, deep down, she actually liked that Rick Roll song! She would just die if someone knew she had that on her iPod!
Belinda was thinking about pie. She was hungry.
"You know," she said to Gwen, who was driving, "there is a café/gas station on the route we are taking. If we stop there, we could fuel up early, eat, and give the vehicle a break."
"Sounds good," Anita said. She smiled over at Geoff, and asked, "What do you think, Geoff?"
Geoff flinched as if struck physically by the question. "But then there's the internet," he exclaimed, "and I cannot hide all the spoilers!"
"No one can," Belinda muttered. "It's on my bucket list to hunt down and kill whoever started the 'Snape kills Dumbledore' spam."
"Snape kills who?!" Lindsay exclaimed in horror.
"You mean you don't know?" Sierra asked, staring at the blond girl. "Seriously, the movies and the books have been out for years. It's like telling you Bella and Edward hook up."
"They did?! I was Team Jacob! No-ooooooooooo!"
After Lindsay's howl, Belinda glanced over at Gwen. "Let's go to the café, Lindsay's gonna need to drown her sorrows from our spoiler-rific ways."
So Team 2 pulled into the café/gas station. As Geoff volunteered to pump up the RV and park it, the girls went inside the café to get seats. A couple TVs played at the bar, some kind of rock concert going on.
"Oh, I like this band," Sierra said. "This one time, I stalked outside their trailers for a week to get some good photos for a magazine!"
"Were they worth much?" Lindsay asked in curiosity.
"Dunno, I didn't sell them!"
Gwen mumbled something about Sierra being freaky under her breath, then glanced at the TV as they all sat down. "Yeah, they're okay, but they'll play anywhere, seriously."
"You mean like at a stadium for a reality TV show?" Belinda asked as she stared at her menu, without looking at the screens once.
"Possibly. Why… oh no."
(Day 1 of the RV Race.)
(Maclean Stadium, Rocking Arena.)
The crowd roared in approval as the band finished up their latest song, and footage of the race played on the big screens alongside the band's cameras. Some rather interesting events were taking place at the same time of the rock band's next song.
Duncan had taken control of the RV, and was driving like mad. Noah, who had been up on the RV's roof to loosen something, was holding onto the bars on the top for dear life as he whipped around like a kite, screamed for Duncan to stop, as well as other things he would do to the punk when they stopped.
Courtney stepped out the shower demanding to know what was going on, but Bridgette pushed her back in before she accidentally dropped the towel she had on. Valerie was in the passenger seat whooping in excitement, as Eva tried to climb up on the RV through one of the windows to retrieve Noah.
It was pure chaos, fitting for a rock song.
This song ended with a rather large explosion, and the band cheered with the audience over the special effects; however, Chef Hatchet hurrying on the stage with a fire extinguisher was a sure sign the explosion wasn't planned (or prepared properly, it's hard to tell on Total Drama).
Groucho the Duck stepped out of the smoke, dodging the spray from the fire extinguisher. "Where," he quacked in fury as he held up his RPG-7 launcher, "ARE MY RECRUITS!?"
"That's awesome, dude," one of the band members exclaimed. "I want a duck like that!"
"Keep your feathers on," Chef Hatchet barked at Groucho. "They're on a trip!"
"Nobody feathering told me, you quack-face! I wake up from a nap to find everyone, including my second-in-command, to be gone! Now get your head out of your tail feathers and tell me where they went!"
Chef Hatchet pointed up at the giant screens as the band changed to the next one. This band was a semi-old boy band known as Fame Town, who had been personally invited by Chris Maclean (mostly because he still received royalties when they performed, even if he wasn't a member).
As the band started to sing, Groucho the Duck screamed and covered his ears. "No! I hate this song! I used it to interrogate terrorists!"
"Suck it up, Chris played it in his trailer during the first season all the time," Chef Hatchet grumbled as he finished putting out the fire. "I hear it in my nightmares."
"Why were you in his quarters?"
"Because shut up!"
As the bad members (*ahem* band members, sorry) continued to sing, Groucho and Chef Hatchet stared each other down. Chris Maclean clicked his tongue in excitement as he watched in front of the stage, cheering with the audience, hoping for a fight.
"You want to start something with me?" Chef Hatchet roared at the duck.
"Bring it on, you tiny man! You want to battle?"
Chef Hatchet put on his meanest face, then it quickly turned into one of extreme regret as Groucho the Duck started to place another round on his RPG-7 launcher. "No! No no no, you misunderstood! I didn't mean an actual fight battle!"
"What other kind is there?"
"Um… rap battles?"
"That is so racist, Chef Hatchet! Not all ducks are known for their rapping skills!"
"You want to rap, or not?"
"Bring it on!"
Fame Town ditched their song and started a beat for the two, and the audience started to chant for who they wanted most to win.
YEP! WE'RE REALLY DOING THIS!
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT… TOUGH!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF TDBG!
GROUCHO THE DUCK!
Chef Hatchet - "You think you're going to serve me, the chef of TDBG?
I'm going to serve you up, quacker, with orange or cherries
They call me Hatchet cuz I'm deadly, I'm lethal, I am a killer
I'll out-rap you, out-blast you, out-dance you like it's Thriller
"You're a dinky soldier who doesn't deserve to wear that uniform, or hold that gun
I'm going to send that bill back to wherever you migrate from
I'm the co-host of the show, all you do is yell, quack, and suck!
You think I'm intimidated by you? Well, I don't really give a DUCK!"
*Groucho the Duck face-wings. Chef Hatchet murmurs, "What? There are kids watching, you know."*
Groucho the Duck - "You wanna talk about suck? Let's name one thing you do right:
Co-host? Cooking? Challenges? Chef, you can't even fight!
You're a poor man's Samuel L. Jackson, all yell with an ugly shell
You think that you're the devil soldier's on Earth? Not a chance in hell
"But let's, in all fairness, put that away, put it to rest
What's left but you wearing a woman's dress?
Tell me, was that the reason you were kicked out of the army?
I hear you crying in the confessional that you never got a pony!"
Chef Hatchet - "Your second-in-command is a rodent who digs through trash
And you're just jealous you'll never fly as well as Rainbow Dash!
You're a rip-off of other characters out there that never were that interesting from the start
I'm going to making some delicious duck soup, you wannabe goose, after I serve up your heart!"
Groucho the Duck - "You're a lie from the start! CHEF Hatchet? What a phony!
I cannot believe I'm rap battling against the world's ugliest Brony!
You think you're going to make me into duck soup?
Well, let me bury the hatchet, Hatchet, right into YOU!"
Chef Hatchet - "Ya flat-footed fowl, I'm gonna make you howl
Even if water flows off your back, you had better throw in the towel!"
Groucho the Duck - "You snarl and scowl, but your rhymes I did plow
Without further adieu now, here comes the band, loud and proud! Here they are, it's Sexy Eyebrows!"
(RV Confessional Booth - Who won? Who's next?)
Belinda - "It may be racially profiling, but that duck sure can rap."
Gwen - *She glances around the room, concerned over something.* "Okay… um, this just hit me. When exactly did animals rapping, let alone talking, be commonplace?!"
Geoff - "I'm gonna go with Groucho on this one, and next I am gonna request-"
*We'd hate to cut him off, but we have our own requests to make, like-*
(Day 1 of the RV Race.)
(Team 6 - Colin, Izzy, DJ, Cody, Crystal, Clive, Chico.)
The team was watching the rap battle on their TV screen in the RV, OK with it for the most part.
"Well, Chef came off stronger," Cody said, "but Groucho had the better lyrics, I feel."
"Personally, I think it was a good performance on both parts," DJ commented, "and much better than Fame Town."
"Meh," Colin muttered, "I'll just say it was the worst rap battle ever, and that they haven't done any good ones for a while now."
DJ stared at him, bewildered. "What? But that was their first one!"
"Doesn't stop me from being right that it was the worst one ever."
Crystal sighed, then glanced at Cody. "So, chap, have you come to a conclusion?"
"Not really, but I'm still thinking, you know," he admitted, sighing as he sat back in his seat. "Kind of a tough decision to make… even though I've had time enough, ya know?"
"ROFL, dat iz, leik, a bummur," Chico said, patting Cody's knee. "butt u wil mayk de wright call, i am sur"
"Yes, we all know that our studly geek will get to make the choice some time soon," Izzy cheered. "It's amazing all we girls haven't thrown ourselves at you!" As everyone in the RV laughed over this, Colin scowled at them, specifically Cody.
(RV Confessional Booth - Even we are attracted to Cody, and we're a booth!)
Colin - "The more people talk about Cody, the more I hate him. I resent him for others liking him, and that is perfectly reasonable! If I have to put up with that any more, I'm gonna… do something about it!"
DJ - "You gotta respect Cody. I mean, it gives guys like me hope that girls can still be interested in us. I just need to find a girl who likes bunnies and cute critters… jeepers, saying it out loud makes me wonder if I'm masculine enough for a girlfriend."
Before anyone could say anything else in the sixth RV, or in any of the other RVs, the intercom installed on each of them crackled to life.
"Hello, campers," came the charismatic voice of Chris Maclean. "I came to contact you that we forgot to do something before you all left."
"Egads," Izzy exclaimed. "I forgot my speargun collection! Turn the RV around now, we need that in case we get attacked by another Cthulhu or flying, mutated piranha!"
"You keep a bunch of spearguns around for that?" Clive murmured. "Seriously?"
"This isn't," Chris Maclean said over the intercom, "about any of your crazy items, Izzy. Or yours, Mandy. Or yours, Dawn, we aren't halting this competition so you can get your meditation candles, or whatever you hippie chicks use when you do hippie chick stuff.
"We didn't do our Mind Reader VR, and we all know you all miss that!"
"Aw cripes, I was hoping we could avoid that," Crystal grumbled. "He wouldn't do anything like first loves, would he?"
"Does he have control over that kind of stuff?" Cody asked. "I mean, does he choose?" "Let's make it random, shall we?" Chris asked, laughing impishly. "First off, let's do the bad one!"
The TVs in the RVs clicked OV (on verily), and soon the static that started up with them turned into an image of a cruel high school.
(Mind Reader VR - Bad Memory.)
"Hey, geek! You like your girls dark? How about your MILK?"
A carton of chocolate milk hit Cody, splashing the brown liquid all over him and his meal. The cafeteria burst into laughter, the kind that sounds like it was engineered purely to be cruel. The laughter of nightmares, and it was all directed at Cody.
The geek sighed as he wiped chocolate milk from his eyes. This was the status quo of lunch for him, someone was going to throw some kind of food or drink at him, everyone would laugh. Sometimes they would make remarks about his bear injuries. Sometimes they'd mime Gwen slapping him. Ha ha, always fun.
"I hate this place," he grumbled to himself mentally. "Seriously, am I at the only school in Canada that has mean students?"
"I hear you don't like bear claws," another student shouted. "So here, have one!"
A glazed donut grazed his face, and splattered on his lunch tray. Another round of laughter that sounded biologically engineered to destroy hearts filled the cafeteria, as Cody tried to ignore it. Before he could take the free donut, the owner picked it up and walked off, laughing as loud as he could in Cody's ear as he walked by.
"Okay," Cody muttered to himself, "you can get through this lunch. Find your happy place, find your happy place…"
Cody's happy place was fond memories of Total Drama Battlegrounds, specially during a challenge when two cabins were adrift at sea, being attacked by a oceanic, ancient beast. Memories that involved a certain redhead who dressed up like an ancient warrior to battle a worthy adversary.
And thus, across the RV TVs, the arena's screen'as, and to the viewing world's, Izzy's toplessness was exposed.
"Blimey," Crystal muttered, covering her mouth in astonishment.
"Oh good gravy," DJ agreed, wincing.
"rofls, it iz the boobies," Chico cheered.
"So that's what my girls look like from the front," Izzy said with pride, patting her chest. "Not bad, not bad."
"Izzy," Cody exclaimed, "you just got exposed to the entire viewing world! Everyone just saw you…"
"Hmm," said the crazy girl with a bemused grin. "And yet, it was from your bad memories of donut-throwing classmates. You have me on your mind, how sweet!"
"What is it with you and girls?" Colin shouted in frustration. "They are practically throwing themselves at you!"
"Dude," DJ got down on his knees to a very embarrassed Cody, "teach me!"
"an me!" Chico implored. "i want 2 b ladies' raccoon!"
Chris, who sounded like he was trying to fend off a very angry producer, laughed nervously. "Um, well, uh, nice flashback to embarrassing times, Cody! Boy, you sure go to a mean school! Making fun of your injuries sure ain't a nice thing… but you gotta admit, that bear claw moment was hilarious!"
"Yeah, to you, man," Cody grumbled. "You weren't putting up with it every day. I swear, Total Drama has been a holiday compared to school."
"This show?" Clive asked. "Seriously? Really? This show is nicer than school? What reality do you live in?"
"Wait, if you feel like this show is so awful," Crystal asked, turning to the emo, "why did you sign up?"
"I like to blend into situations that fit my mood. Misery begets misery, you know."
Before Crystal could continue on, Chris was done arguing with the producer about guidelines and morals and psycho hose-beasts exposing themselves on international television. "Right! Um, let's bring up someone's good memory, shall we?"
"That wasn't a good memory?" DJ asked incredulously. "Oh yeah… the school bullying. Sorry, Cody."
"Bah, I'm with friends now. I don't have reason to be upset."
"Now then," Chris's frantic words were almost covered up by all the wolf-whistling at the stadium (and the noise of all the faces of boys being slapped by girls). "I think we want happy time, shall we? Let's find a happy place!"
"Yes," a lot of boys declared.
"No," a lot of girls declared.
"Oh boy," Izzy cheered, "my boobs are peoples' happy place! That's awesome! One off the bucket list for me!"
(Mind Reader VR - Good Memory.)
"Now you have a good time at camp, you here me?" The younger girl hugged her big brother, who returned it just as happily. "Hey now, I have to go, stop squeezing me so tight!"
"But that way, you cannot go!"
The girl giggled as she finally released her brother. The young man's peach colored skin was a little flushed in the face right now, and he pushed away his brown bangs. Nervously fidgeting with his small ponytail, he said, "How do I look?"
"You look fine, dear," his mother said, patting his shoulder. "Now look, I want you to enjoy yourself."
"It's been my dream to be going to a camp like this," the young man said, laughing happily. "It's hard to say good-bye, but I'm so excited!"
His little sister laughed again. "It'll be so lonely around the house with you! I'll miss your smile the most."
A bus came to a stop in front of them, and the young man climbed aboard. He stopped for a bit to wave back at his family, "You all take care, you hear me? I'll text you when I get there."
"Bye," his little sister called out. "Good-bye, Clive!"
"CLIVE?" Everyone in Team 6's RV exclaimed incredulously. "THAT WAS YOU?"
The emo flinched at all the yelling, then frowned and muttered, "Okay, seriously, I don't want to talk about this."
"You had normal skin," Izzy pointed out. "Your hair was light brown!"
"You had a ponytail," Crystal said, "a cute, man's ponytail."
"You didn't look like a freak," Colin remarked. "Well, wait, you always do, but less. A little less. Naw, never mind, you always looked stupid."
"Dude," DJ spoke up, ignoring the bully, "Cody was the one with bad memories shown, and you don't want to talk about good times?
The emo grunted and looked away. "Like I said, don't want to talk about it. You all are way too interested in my private life."
"Private no more," Colin remarked.
(RV Confessional Booths - Emo in an Emo Land.)
Clive - "Why is it that everyone tries to get into my being a sad person? People don't try to pull apart happy people to see what makes them happy. Can't I just be how I feel without being interrogated?
"Crystal of all people gets way too much into my personal life. It's rather irritating… even if there is a touching side to it."
Cody - "It's rather tricky, when you have someone that depressed nearby you at all times. I mean, I think I got problems, then I deal with someone who looks like their world got crushed. Dude, who cares about donut-pelting jerks when I got someone like that nearby? No more complaining!"
Crystal - "That's it! No more stalling! I will find someone for Clive to be with! I swear upon my skills as a matchmaker, I will have him find happiness and love! There you are… Bob's your uncle and all that!"
*She sighs and stares upwards as she considers this rather daunting challenge.*
"I just hope that this kind of love, this kind of hope and optimism, spreads to the others. It'd be nice to see someone being positive for a change."
Izzy - *She is wearing oversized shades, a feather boa, and sipping from a martini glass filled with lemon-lime soda.* "Yeah, I'm hot, I'm so super hot. I actually have all the makings of a reality star now, got me a dirty video leaked without my intention. I'm a champ in the making, a natural hot piece!"
*She downs her entire glass in one go, then belches loudly.* "Yep, so very hot."
(Day 1 of the RV Race.)
(Team 3 - Harold, Leshawna, Yoshi, Xander, Rodney, Beth.)
Yoshi yawned as he sharpened his katana blade. "Well then," he said to his teammates, "are we going to plan our route for this challenge?"
"Dude, seriously?" Leshawna exclaimed. "You just saw a girl topless and saw what our emo friend looks like without his freaky make-up, and you don't care?"
"Yeah, I have the internet, it's not like I cannot see that any day. No internet here, no Google Maps or Mapquest, so what are we going to do?"
Xander clicked his tongue. "Well, I'm going to take a shower to help me stop thinking about that sweet image. You all can plan the way, I trust you all."
Beth let out a small sigh, saying, "And there's a sweet image for all the girls." Harold, who was driving and had her sitting next to him, glanced at her with a little confusion. "Oh, um, nothing!"
"Our biker rebel sure seems to be a charmer," Harold commented. "But hey, I guess our team could use more than one."
"Who's the other one?" Rodney asked innocently. "Mr. Yoshiki?"
The prodigy scratched his head under his helmet. "Um… Miss Leshawna is a charmer, right?" "Well, yes, but-"
"You mean Beth, right?"
Harold decided to stop the awkward conversation by loudly exclaiming, "Hey, let's get gas now so we don't run the risk of running low at a bad moment."
"What are the odds of that happening, sweetheart?" Leshawna asked.
"I've been on this show long enough to know that that is any time, actually. So come on, let's get a little food, a drink, stretch our legs?"
When they stopped, Xander, wearing a towel and wringing his hair, stepped out and asked them why they stopped so early. Distraught by this girlfriend staring at the near-naked biker, he left to enter the gas station.
The attendant was busy on his cell phone, trying to catapult seemingly flightless, aviation feather-brains at legless, unusually tinted bacon-providing mammals who were being protected by shoddily constructed buildings that lacked nails or mortar. The efforts were being repeated with slightly different timing points to earn a total of five-pointed, luminous, gold-tinted sky illuminators.
Harold was not entirely concerned about a total stranger shirking his daily duties for the sake of earning gold-tinted, distant suns. He approached the gas station attendant, and cleared his throat loudly.
"Yeah?" the attendant murmured.
"We want gas."
"Beans are in the fifth aisle."
Harold pursed his lips, then said, "If you're going to tell that joke, you might want to put some effort in that, gosh!"
"If I wanted to make people laugh, I wouldn't tell that joke."
"If even you are sick of it, why are you telling it?"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
The gas station attendant threw himself over the counter, embracing Harold as he sobbed bitterly. The nerd, feeling rather awkward, pat the poor guy's back.
(RV Confessional Booth - Do beans really give gas? Or is that an urban legend?)
Harold - *shaking his head sadly* "Oh, retail. When will you stop destroying peoples' very souls?"
Xander - *still wearing a towel, but deep in thought* "You know, I think I'm doing this 'coming out of the shower not wearing much' thing more times than is normal. Is that weird? I'm starting to feel self-conscious about that… I think maybe I've been around Harold too much."
Harold - "Gas stations are like gold mines disguised like outhouses. They look poor, they cost rich, but they have treasure in them like you wouldn't believe. There is an art to them, like spelunking or achievement hunting. You gotta know what to do… and luckily, I, Harold, am an expert at this.
"This challenge will be so easy with me on the case."
"Yes, I'm sure your mother loved you," Harold comforted the distraught attendant. "But really, I need to get some supplies. We're on a reality show where we have to take a weeklong RV trek while our host has bands and rap contests between an angry ex-army chef and a talking duck with an affinity for RPG-7s."
"Of course you are, that's what the last customer told me."
"I'm not lying!"
"No, seriously, the last customer here told me they were on the contest too. They seemed pretty cool too, but then had to drive off in a hurry, left the snarky one flapping like a kite on the top."
"Enough with the confusing banter, my NPC friend," Harold said, slightly slipping into an fantasy game setting for his basis on reality. (Yes, nerds do this, non-nerds will never understand.)
"I need gas for our vehicle, healthy but edible snacks, energy drinks for our drivers, a biker magazine with scantily-clad women for our biker dude, a expert-level sudoku puzzle book for the child in our group so he doesn't start asking about the magazine, and gummi-elephants for my friend Beth. But NOT gummi-slugs, you got that?"
"Got it," the cashier said, typing on the keyboard of his register. "Anything else?"
"Hm, what else have you got?"
The cashier tapped his chin, then bent down and pulled an unusual handle of a blade-less sword. Harold picked it up, pushed the button near the top, and laser energy came forth like a saber.
"A laser sword?" the nerd exclaimed in shock and wonder.
"Yeah, we sell those in our gas station chains, but not often."
"How could you not sell more laser swords?"
"No one ever asks. Surprisingly little amount of people come into a gas station and ask to purchase a laser sword."
(RV Confessional Booth - Laser saber? Light slicer? Blade hummer?)
Leshawna - *holding the laser sword, turning it around in her hand* "What Harold purchases on impulse is crazy! This cost us quite a penny, and I cannot think of where we're gonna need this for… poor baby, let his pastimes get ahead of his senses… still it is kind of cool."
Rodney - *sulking* "They're not letting me try out that laser sword… or see that magazine that Mr. Harold got Mr. Xander. Why don't they trust me? I'm not going to do anything clumsy with it."
Yoshi - *holding the laser sword in one hand, and his katana in the other* "Yeah… this is weird. I honestly don't know what to make of this… but I'll be damned if I wasn't interested in learning how to dual-wield."
Beth - *her turn holding the laser sword* "Yippee! Back on the show again, doing all kinds of fun things! Look at this awesome thing that I get to try! Woohoo!"
*She enthusiastically spins around, and manages to slice the camera in half. Thus confessionals aren't going to be around for Team 3 until their next stop at a gas station, where they buy a new camera.*
(Day 1 of the RV Race.)
(Team 2 - Anita, Geoff, Gwen, Belinda, Lindsay, Sierra.)
On the other side of the street, Team 2 was having trouble with their cashier. Or rather, Lindsay was having trouble with him, and thus causing trouble for all of them.
The cashier had recognized them, and had asked Lindsay for an autograph; however, Lindsay, still paranoid that people were suspicious about her using her breasts for an advantage, had thought the cashier wanted to sign her chest, a la rock star style.
It hadn't dawned on the poor blond that the cashier was asking for an autograph, not to give one. Cashiers very rarely are the ones giving autographs, but this wasn't settling in Lindsay's mind.
So the argument about boobs, signatures, and other random things that would come up when Lindsay, Gwen, Sierra, and a random gas station attendant started shouting at each other. It became pretty heated, as Belinda watched while snacking on some popcorn. Geoff eventually stepped outside, while Anita followed him.
"Are you okay?" the bombshell asked the sullen party animal.
"Sure bra, whatev's," Geoff answered.
"Geoff, there are three girls fighting and shouting about boobs in there," she pointed out, forcing a laugh out in hopes of encouraging him to. "Don't you want to watch that?"
"Not really, bra. I don't like arguments that much."
"But… this is different! Isn't this something that you, the party man, love to watch?"
Geoff headed into the RV, Anita staring at him in utter perplexity. She scratched the back of her head, trying to think of what to make of this.
(RV Confessional Booth - No one ever signs our chest. Wait…)
Anita - *casually using a marker to sign 'Anita was here' on the wall as a joke* "You know, I really liked Geoff when watching the show. He was funny, he was nice, and he was forgiving. But here he is, on a team full of girls, and he's… depressed?
"This is not the Geoff I know… this is not the Geoff anyone knows! I know that everyone's expecting me to be all anxious because Cody might pick me to be his girlfriend…" *She takes a moment to swoon at the thought.* "But I am not going to let a friend suffer. So I'll make it my job to cheer Geoff up on this trip!"
Geoff - *reading the wall* "Anita was here? Wow, who'd've thunk that? Here, of all places! … Oh, she's on this team, right? Man, my head is elsewhere!"
"Okay, look, we've talked about this subject far longer than I am humanly comfortable with," Gwen shouted in the gas station. "Can we all agree that no one will be signing Lindsay's chest, and we can get our damn supplies, and get the hell out of here?"
"You're a tad cranky," Sierra pointed out, "more so than usual, Gwen. I mean, I know that's your modus operandi, but-"
"Save it, you magenta-topped stalker."
"Ones with green highlights shouldn't be making fun of others' hair!"
"I personally think both your hairs are hot," the cashier interjected, before the girls glared at him. Lindsay whimpered at all the fighting, while Belinda finished her popcorn.
"Alright, you've all had your fun venting," the clairvoyant said. "But right now, we need to get our gasoline and get driving."
"That's what I've been saying," Gwen argued. "Listen, cashier boy, try to keep your eyes at my eyes as I ask you for gasoline, and not at anyone's chest. That way, you might get out of here with all your vital body parts intact."
"I work at a gas station, I worry every day about that. But sure thing, Gwen," the cashier said cheerfully. "Would you like a pony with that?"
"We're giving pony key chains out to everyone who buys gasoline. You want one?"
"Man, those things are everywhere," Gwen complained. "Seriously? Complimentary pony key chains at out-of-the-way gas stations?"
"I'll take some," Lindsay gleefully exclaimed. "They're so cute!" She took the first one offered to her by the attendant, and let out a happy squee. "Adorable! I miss having adorable things in my life! All we see these days are zombies and vampires and aliens and other undead things."
"Okay, one, aliens aren't undead, Lindsay," Gwen pointed out. "Two, this pony craze is getting way, way out of hand." As she spoke, Lindsay held the pony key chain up to the goth girl's face. "And three, that is a show for little girls, and oh God, I cannot look away from its adorable eyes, I'm hooked, aren't I?"
"Yep," Lindsay bragged with as much sadistic glee as a girly blonde could.
"… Are there any black ponies? Gothic ones?"
"Here, let's find you a Luna," the gas station attendant said, shuffling through the box of key chains.
(RV Confessional Booth - Now with definite proof Anita was here.)
Sierra - *admiring her own little pony key chain* "Well, it's not Cody, but it is cute and I don't mind keeping it in my pocket. Though I wouldn't want to keep Cody in my pocket… no matter how much I want him in my pants!" *She giggles impishly.* "No no, I want to cuddle him! All day!"
Lindsay - *She is looking at her own pony keychain, and is baby-talking the heck out of it.*
Gwen - *She is also baby-talking her new pony key chain, until she realizes that the camera is on her, and stops.* "Man, why do I keep forgetting that this place isn't as private as it feels!
"… And I'm never going to live this down, am I?"
(Day 1 of the RV Race.)
(Team 4 - Sadie, Heather, Zachary, Ezekiel, Arthur, Alejandro.)
"INFERIOR MORTALS! YOU WILL PERISH IN THE FLAMES OF THE HOT DOG OVEN!"
"I got the snacks, Sadie, just get the breath mints!"
"Did you get the diet versions of soda? I'm trying to lose some weight, even if Katie says I look good regardless!"
"INFIDELS! WHY YOU NO TIP?!"
"Will you all run faster, damn it? He's gaining, oh God he's gaining!"
"Dios mio! Why must gas station attendants be filled with such colorful but obscure character types!?"
"Stopping yapping, white boy, and run faster!"
"Not only am I not white, thank you, but I do have my arm in a sling!"
"Do you see me give a darn as I run for my life? Run, Pedro, run!"
Team 4 was escaping the gas station they had just made their purchase from. The cashier had been a very handsome, intelligent, and sophisticated gentleman, but he did have something of a berserk button when Sadie had asked if they could use debit instead of credit.
Some places are just rather sensitive about this. And now, they were running to their RV, desperately trying to get it started.
"Why is the engine stalling?" Arthur screamed in terror, frantically waving his arms around as he watched Heather try to start the vehicle. "That only happens in crappy horror movies when the monster is chasing the scantily-clad woman!"
"Well, the gas station attendant is after us, and I am wearing hot pants," Heather shot back. "You want to jinx it more, buddy? How about, the cynical one always dies first?"
"You get this RV going, I refuse to die in a psycho's deep-fryer!"
"YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME," the attendant was hollering from inside the station, still chasing Sadie, Alejandro, and Zachary around the building. "I AM THE LORD OF AKHI GAS STATIONS! AND OUR RIVALS, JUST ACROSS THE STREET, THE YAHMA STATIONS-"
"Excuse me for interrupting your rant, mister lord," Sadie chimed in, "but do you happen to have any fruit flavored breath mints, or just mint?"
"THE NON-MINT MINTS ARE AT THE FRONT OF THE STORE!"
"Oh thank you."
"NO PROBLEM! NOW, BOW BEFORE THE LORD OF AHK AND EYAHAM STATIONS!"
Ezekiel whistled cheerfully as he continued fueling up the RV. His girlfriend stared at him bizarrely through the window as he waved. "I tend to let these kind of things slide off my back, eh. After all, seen enough weird things in my life."
"I thought the same thing when I heard you two were officially dating," Arthur remarked.
As Heather elbowed the loner, the others inside were finishing their supply run. Sadie quickly used an ATM to receive cash, hoping that would calm the cashier, but it didn't so much.
"I WILL BURY YOU ALL! BURY YOU AND THUS BEGIN THE PROCESS OF NATURAL PETROLEUM! OH, AND THANK YOU FOR PAYING IN EXACT CASH, VERY KIND OF YOU!"
"No problem, mister," Sadie called out. "Have a nice day!"
"THANK YOU FOR STOPPING HERE, INFIDELS! BUT YOU HAVEN'T LEFT YET, HAVE YOU?"
Zachary grabbed a handful of candies before making it out, mentally deciding that this rather unpleasant experience justified his minor shoplifting. Sadie was quick to sprint out, with him right behind her. But when Alejandro was heading through the door, Lord Akhi and Yahma grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him back.
"The diablos has got me," he screamed in terror, grabbing the door frame as he was pulled back in. "Help! Amigos! Please!"
Another scream pierced the atmosphere as he was yanked back into the gas station. Pummeling sounds followed, as Alejandro shrieked, "He's got an oversized lump of beef jerky! Ouch! Help! Dios mio, not the face! Not the face!"
"Should we go back and help him?" Zachary asked the others as they dropped the supplies off in their RV.
"What, go back and retrieve oo'r teammate, Alejandro?" Ezekiel asked, trying to be cunningly sarcastic but not quite mastering it. "I see absolutely no reason why we should, do we actually, like, need him?"
"Plus, he knew what he was getting into when we started this," the whiner agreed. "Maybe we should just go on without him."
Alejandro's pained cries echoed from the gas station. "Not the pork rinds! Ouch! They are surprisingly painful to be struck by! Amigos! Assistance! He's using pork rinds!"
"Oh now, we have to save him," Sadie pleaded. "He is handsome, and he is a member of the team. We do need him for the end of the challenge."
"Do we?" Heather asked, glancing towards the station. "I mean, Chris didn't make it clear, did he?"
"I woo'dent put anything past Chris, eh," Ezekiel commented. "I mean, he'd probably have us lose irregardless or something; sadly, we cannot vote off that lying creep if we do lose."
"He's not even a real contestant, he's someone Chris tagged on as cannon fodder," Heather scoffed. "He's expendable."
"Then again, we might want him in case we have more psychotic cashiers," Zachary said.
"Ayieeee! He has rock candy now! He's beating me with rock candy! Somebody save me!"
"Oh for the love of something or other," Arthur sulked as he left the RV, "I'll go get Al."
(RV Confessional Booth - Htoob Lanoissesnoc VR, in the mirror.)
Alejandro - *all beaten and scratched up, rock candy stuck in his handsome hair* "I hate this show, and everyone on it."
Sadie - "Arthur was really brave, going back in there to retrieve Alejandro. He fended off the cashier with a small bag of chocolate coins! Or did he just bribe the cashier? Can you bribe someone with food from their own store? I gotta remember that!"
Zachary - "All this makes me worry if something like what happened to Al could happen to me and Val. Alejandro caught a real bad break when Chef revealed his confessionals. Makes me a little wary of what I say in here from now on, but Chef would never betray a brother, would he?"
Arthur - *holding a glass in his hand, tapping his chin* "Yeah, I'd be more worried about your teammates, Zachary. One of these days, I'm gonna overhear you talking trash about Sadie, and then blow your stupid cover. You and Valerie!"
"… Holy cow, I'm sounding like a desperate spy! … Cool."
Ezekiel - "I've actually come across a lot of crazy cashiers whenever I have to go into too'n fur stuff, and of course even crazier fellow shoppers. You got to learn hoo' to 'swim' with the crazy, lest you let it make you lose all hope fur humanity."
(Day 2 of the RV Race.)
The first day of the race went relatively well, for most of the groups. Though whether you think that the fact that the majority of contestants didn't want to kill each other yet is surprisingly good news or morbidly predictable is up to you.
Most of the teams manage to plan a good place to stay the night, at a cheap hotel or an RV camp. Team 1, full of daredevil nature (minus Sakaki, of course), took a bright idea from Dawn and camped out in the wild to save a little money.
Maclean Stadium was packed again the following day, as Chris had managed to book some rather big-named bands. Chef Hatchet was still fuming, trying to get some passive-aggressive revenge against Groucho by preparing chicken for the producer; that is, the one that had greeted the contestants on the first day and chewed out Chris for showing Cody's bad memory without checking it first.
The producer was keeping a closer eye on Chris, not wanting to cause any more politically incorrect hysteria. She was wondering why none of them had come to call yet (truthfully, they were a little too afraid to offend Groucho).
Now on the road for the second day, let's see how the contestants are doing.
(Team 5 - Bridgette, Valerie, Noah, Eva, Courtney, Duncan.)
"And that's when you twist their arms behind their back. See, this causes excruciating pain, but you can easily control it so you don't disconnect the shoulder or break any bones. Though I have done both, the former more so than the latter-"
"Eva, please," Bridgette implored, turning a little green, "I really don't want to know details."
"Listen, I just thought you might want to know, in case you run another jerk like Alejandro."
"But why would I need to wrestle him?"
"I dunno. Maybe you need to be more physical for a challenge. We all know Chris is bound to do a wrestling challenge sooner or later."
Bridgette cocked an eyebrow at this, and thus her friend explained, "You really think he's going to pass up the chance to have all the girls dress in leotards and wrestle around with each other? With how most of the girls here, it'd more so be a squirming match."
"Please stop putting the mental images in my head," Noah said, pinching his nose shut to avoid nosebleeds. "I am only as human as the next guy! And besides, you are forgetting something."
"What would that be, string bean?" Eva asked.
"It's Chris, he's probably more interested in seeing the boys in leotards."
"Are you seriously going by that rumor?" Bridgette asked, not sure if she should be amused or insulted. "What, you think Chris is into Chef or something?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Chef could do so much better."
Courtney cleared her throat loudly to interrupt, trying to focus on driving at the same time. "Look, I know this is fascinating to you all, but some of us don't like to imagine Chris's love life, no matter which way he goes."
"Yeah, babe," Duncan agreed, snaking his arm over towards her shoulder and playing with her hair. "Much more interesting love lives to discuss."
"Gerroff, I'm driving!"
"Come on, it's an RV, it practically drives itself, princess."
"One, I told you not to call me that around others, and two, that doesn't make any sense!"
As Duncan kept trying to feel up his girlfriend, who would unfortunately jolt the RV around when trying to avoid his playful grasp, the others felt like they were more or less on a roller coaster with unpredictable turns.
"Hey, what the hell," Valerie shouted, peeking out of the shower. "Are you trying to kill me in here? I feel like I'm gripping the handlebars for life here!"
"Duncan keeps bothering me," Courtney whined.
"He's your boyfriend, tell him to paw you some other time, damn it!"
"Bah, you like it and you know it," Duncan teased his flustered girlfriend. Courtney looked a little miffed at this, but that might have been because he was taking an extra long look at Valerie, still soaked from the shower and wearing a towel.
(RV Confessional Booth - She drives like crazy! Ooo-oo! Because of Duncan! Ooo-oo! She drives like crazy, RV's now a battering ram!)
Valerie - *still dressed in a towel and glistening wet* "Hmm, maybe it's not the best thing to make Courtney jealous of me by capturing her boyfriend's attention… especially since he's not in the game anymore. Still, hard to resist that bad boy appeal, and having an ally on the outside might be useful in the long run."
Bridgette - *sardonically* "Okay, I don't get it. I'm just going to say it. What does Courtney see in Duncan? Seriously, what? I'm glad he got voted off so soon, I would have snapped at him if he continued to bother Court like that."
Duncan - "Yeah, I know that surfer girl has it in for me. Big deal, guys never get along with their girlfriends' friends; true fact, guys, remember that. Why can't Courtney have hot friends I can get along with, like that Valerie chick?"
When Team 5 stopped at a gas station for more supplies, Courtney was setting a new record for slapping her boyfriend's hands, and none of them over trying to grope her. She was determined to prevent him from shoplifting, though he seemed to try harder to the more she stopped him.
"We might be disqualified if one of our teammates gets arrested," she tried to argue with him. "Just stop it already! Why would you want to risk that for something at a gas station, of all places?" "Want me to steal you some diamonds then, princess?"
"How many times do I have to tell you…"
As the lovely couple argued more, Bridgette and Eva were doing some more progressive shopping. The fitness buff found some of the surfer gal's favorite snack, and handed them to her friend. As they continued, both tried to ignore the love birds' antics, but it wasn't easy.
"You know," Bridgette grumbled, "I think I will take up wrestling from you, just so I can pin Duncan down."
"Glad to hear that," Eva said. "And hey, maybe that way you can get your boyfriend to explain why he's avoiding you."
Bridgette winced at this, and sadly glanced away. Eva, who had very little experience apologizing (most of her apologies were to the previously referenced beings with shoulder dislocations thanks to her), didn't quite know what to say. A few months back, she never would have imagined her saying the words, "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for," out loud, but that's what one happens when they are friends with Bridgette.
"It's okay," Bridgette replied. "I mean, it wasn't that bad, I just… still don't know what is wrong. I might actually agree with you, it's that frustrating."
"Want to talk about something else?"
"… Um, well, maybe," the surfer gal grinned at her friend, "just maybe, you want to practice wrestling for if Cody picks you?"
For one of the very few times in her life, Eva blushed. Noah noticed this, and immediately hurried over to the electronics section of the gas station's shopping area to find a camera.
"You really think he'll pick me?" Eva asked.
"I think you have much just as much chance as Cody, Eva."
"I wish I had your confidence. Feh, listen to me, not confident. This show has warped me."
"Oh, it's a good warping," Bridgette assured her friend and hugged her. They both were startled by the click of a camera, but couldn't find the source.
Noah hid behind the register, desperate to evade detection, as the cashier glanced at him. Shrugging and dismissing it as not the oddest thing on her shift, the employee continued to play her phone game involving an ancient Japanese stealth assassin attempting to eviscerate juicy, culinary edibles with his slender blade.
"A bit unusual for one of the cast members," she noted aloud to the hiding Noah, "to be playing paparazzi."
"Yeah, you laugh now, but that crazy Sierra chick pays fifty bucks for good photos for her blog, and I plan on having a healthy bank account for college, sister."
"Don't you plan on winning the show?"
"Chris hates me, I think I've assuredly lost."
"That's a shame. Want anything while you're down there? Kneepads?"
"Har har, funny girl. You should be a stand-up comedian rather than an attendant here."
"You're not the only one who needs money for college, buddy."
(RV Confessional Booth - Fifty bucks? Seriously, Sierra? How'd you get so loaded?)
Noah - *checking his new camera, then glancing at the recording one in the booth* "Okay, yeah, I know it seems hypocritical, but being a reality star on a show when you're not winning the prize money isn't exactly lucrative. And I have games to pay for, people. Sometimes, pride needs to be swallowed, and I have experience with that in this show."
Courtney - "Duncan's being really… physical with me these days. I think he feels more daring because he's sneaking on the show. Even though, yeah, he was invited on this one… think that makes him want to be more frisky. What am I going to do with him? It'll damage my future career if all people remember me for on this show is how much I let him grope me?"
Eva - "Watching Duncan grope Courtney makes me wonder what Cody will be like if he does somehow choose me. Then again, I think he knows pretty well that I won't tolerate that. … Much. Is groping me a way of appreciating my muscles and form, or just bad?"
Noah - *writing something on the wall, then glances at the camera* "Okay, yeah, now I'm just being a jerk here… but I don't care, I'm feeling rebellious."
Courtney - *reading the wall* "Duncan Hearts Courtney's B… DUNCAN!"
*She storms out of the booth, following Duncan insisting he didn't write that!*
(Day 2 of the RV Race, Night Time)
The second day of the race didn't end as smoothly for the teams as the first one did, for the most part. Only Team 1 was fine, camping outside again. Dawn led a small meditation circle, and Sakaki watched with shy jealousy as Sebastian took part.
Team 5, already tense, ended up going horribly off-track when Duncan refused to believe the GPS. Noah, the only other male on the team, implored that he didn't have to out-macho a machine, but the punk had his suspicions that the cynic had written that booth message. Thus, the team became lost, painfully restless, and into day three before they found a place to stay.
Team 6 also became lost, but mostly because Chico had taken the GPS and played with it, thinking it was a really obscure version of Angry Birds. He was pelting Ontario with New York City when the others managed to retrieve it.
Teams 2 and 3 had tried to do overnight driving, but this turned out to be much more difficult than they had anticipated. They had to throw in the towel and manage their way to a hotel each.
Team 4 had their problems, but mostly because the group was full of people who wanted to take the lead and make the calls. Only Ezekiel and Sadie were not interested, and had to wait for the former's girlfriend, the latter's love interest, the spiky-haired loner, and the two-faced eel to make a call on the destination.
On one of the multiple stops the stressed group made, Alejandro had managed some alone time with Heather. The queen bee hated to admit it, but even when scratched, bruised, and wearing bandages and a sling, the manipulative Latino still managed to look handsome.
"How's he do that?" she bitterly thought as she watched him approach. "Seriously, I don't know any human being who manages to still look hot when so banged up."
"Chica," he said when he walked up to her, "I must say, you don't seem to be too repelled by me." "Mostly because I know you're a snake with no fangs," she curtly replied. "Everyone knows you for who you are."
"Sounds similar to how you are," he responded, smirking. That devilish smile of his was eerily charming to her, though the shivers it sent up her spine were half arousal, half disgusted; that wasn't a good pair.
"After all," he continued, "everyone knew who you were at the beginning of season two, and now they know you for what you are: Ezekiel's simpering pet."
"You're asking for another knee to your balls, pal."
"You know it's true, chica. You loathe this lifestyle, I am more your type. Just let yourself sit on that, chica, and realize how passive you have become; you're not even leading this group."
Heather snarled at him, but said nothing. He left her to stew over this, smirking to himself.
(RV Confessional Booth - Snake, eel… not very flattering comparisons for Al, eh?)
Heather - *frowning* "Look, I'm happy where I am now, I truly am! Yes, there are certain… aspects of my former life I miss. But why would I want to go back to that? I'm happier now… I am!"
Alejandro - *snickering as he curls the fingers on his non-injured hand* "Okay, so I failed with Bridgette, but that was because I was cheated. I think I'll aim for the grand prize here, and that's the girl that everyone is slowly believing to be reformed.
"If I work my magic on her, I just might get in standing with Chris. Time to work my magic, this time uninterrupted."
(Day 3 of the RV Race.)
(Team 6 - Izzy, DJ, Crystal, Colin, Cody, Clive, and GPS-snatching Chico.)
"luk, i am de sorriez i use GeePeeEs as mah play toy, but dose i really 2 b monitored?" Chico asked, as Crystal held him in her in lap, stroking him behind the ears. He purred before adding, "i iz gud raccoon, i can has ear scratchinz!"
"Yes, you are a good boy, but we just want to make sure," Cody assured him. "Though I gotta admit, first time I ever saw a high score on a GPS."
"pheer mah leet skillz!"
Colin rolled his eyes, kicking his feet up on the dashboard in the passenger seat. "We almost there, big guy? I'm getting cramped, and this RV is starting to smell like raccoon."
"Almost," DJ said, watching the GPS for their next destination, a gas station. All of them were a little hesitant, as attendants had been rather hit or miss, and they were running a bit low on money on their card.
The main reason for this was Izzy. Realizing very soon into the race that the crazy redhead would get stir crazy within minutes of being cooped up in an RV, they had to find a distraction for her. The solution was an expensive one suggested by Colin, which was several seasons of the show 24.
The bully had mostly suggested it so that he could have the DVDs when they were done, but it was now obvious Izzy wasn't going to part with them. And in the forty-eight hours of watching 24, she had been rather calm all things considered.
When the team reached the gas station, Colin volunteered to stay with the RV for the time being. He had planned on stealing it for a joy ride, but thought better with DJ also nearby; he knew the big guy was a chicken, but not so much when dealing with something he could actually handle.
"Where's Izzy?" Colin asked out of sheer curiosity. "She here with us?"
"She went in the gas station with Cody and Clive," Crystal replied to Colin, continuing to stroke Chico's furry head. (And is it just me, or are too many of these characters' names starting with C?)
"Whoa, wait, seriously?" the bully actually seemed worried, mostly because he was. "You let Izzy outside?" "She's not a dog, man," DJ muttered.
"With the amount of times I've seen her scratch behind her ears with her leg, I wouldn't scratch that off my suspicions." COlin snickered at the thought of referring to a girl as a dog before he let his worry return. "Look, guys, she's been watching 24 for quite some time now, and you're letting her go into a gas station?"
"I don't watch the show, but I'm fairly certain," Crystal commented, "Jack Bauer doesn't locate nuclear bombs and such at gas stations."
"Yeah, but he fights lunatic fanatics, and what has every gas station attendant been with us so far?" DJ and Crystal thought for a moment, then their eyes widened in horror.
"WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"
Izzy was standing on the cashier counter, gripping the employee's lapels, and shaking them rather aggressively. Cody and Clive were trying to make themselves scarce, really not wanting to get in the middle of this.
"Err, my manager's name is Joe…"
"That's the wrong answer, mister! I know that the terrorists aren't working for Joe! You want to make this difficult for yourself, buddy?"
Izzy banged the cash register, opening it up and fishing out some of the money. "You got about five rolls of coins here. You want to see how many of them I can make you involuntarily swallow?"
"That's right, you don't wanna know how many coins I'll make you swallow! There will be no change in sight when I'm done! Buahaha! That was a good one! But seriously, WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!"
This carried on until DJ came in to stop her, restraining Izzy as best as he could; the gas station attendant nervously put the rolls of coins back in the register, then asked, "So, you need regular or leaded, by the way?"
Crystal and Colin made their way in, the former to find her friends, the latter to see if any violence was taking place. The British romantic checked up on Clive first, ensuring the emo wasn't too shaken by Izzy's anti-terrorist fit.
"The duck that's been hanging around us has been like this, carrying around bigger weapons than Izzy," Clive mentioned. "I think-"
He stopped when he saw Izzy pulling an RPG-7 out from her cleavage… somehow… and yelling about taking the whole damn place down if she didn't get the information she wanted NOW, DAMN IT!
"Forget that," Clive corrected himself, choosing to hike outside and spend the rest of their time in the RV. Crystal nervously approached Cody, and assured the equally freaked geek that Izzy was not actually going to blow the gas station up.
"Well, if it's all the same with you, I'm gonna go in the back and see what else they have," he said with a nervous giggle. "This is a big place, and they might have something I like… away from the blast radius."
"Going to get a present for the girl you choose to be your girlfriend?" Crystal cooed, giggling and batting her eyes. "Aw, how sweet, you should do that!"
Cody laughed nervously as he head to the back part of the gas station, all the while Colin watching with venomous eyes.
(RV Confessional Booth - Joe the Manager sounds like a reasonable figure to work for.)
Colin - "I'm getting more and more sick of Cody getting all this precious attention! Seriously, it's enough to make my stomach churn, because there is nothing likable about that twerp. I swear, this keeps up, I might not be able to keep my patience…"
Izzy - "Okay, okay, maybe I overreacted with the gas station attendant, but can you blame me? He was super suspicious! But then again, after watching a spy show for several days, everyone looks extremely suspicious! Except for the talking duck that let me borrow an RPG-7, or the pony that's been following the RV for a day now."
Dawn - "It would appear that a blessed creature of the world has been following Team 6. It must be drawn to their auras, there is something about all of them… one of them bad, some of them very good~! Maybe it is drawn to its fellow animal, maybe-"
*knocking on the door* Clive - "Dawn? What are you doing in our RV? Aren't you on Team 1?"
Dawn - "Forgive me, Clive, but we stopped at this gas station too, and I prefer yours to ours~; Mandy has taken to carving ritualistic markings of the Old Gods in our booth, and that is most unsettling for my senses."
Chico the Raccoon - *playing with the GPS again* "okies, i has u now, egg-steelin peeg! haha, got ya! cmon dat iz totally wurth three starz!"
DJ and Izzy were outside now, the former trying to calm the latter down. Dawn followed after them, humming a pleasant little song to herself that somehow lured butterflies around her.
"Don't you think that's kind of terroristic like?" Izzy whispered to DJ, "with her able to have butterflies hover around her?"
"Izzy girl, that's the last thing I think of when I think of terrorists!"
"That's what makes it so suspicious… buffing flutter flies! Terroristic insects, probably have suicide packs strapped to their antenna!"
DJ simply rolled his eyes as she ranted on. He almost missed the rustling in the bushes nearby them, but the thought of a scary animal made him freeze. Dawn approached them from behind, still humming peacefully.
"It seems your friendly stalker has decided to show herself~," the moon child said, a smile on her face. "You should prepare yourself."
As the little creature jumped from the bushes, DJ did prepare himself in the way he was most used to: jumping in the air while shrieking in fear. Izzy managed to catch him, and held him up in her arms as she glanced down at the creature.
It was a little pony, about roughly the size of Chico the Raccoon. With big, curious eyes, it stared up at the three humans, tilting its head to the side and batting its rather lengthy lashes (for a pony, that is). It had a blue-green coat and a reddish-blond mane, which fluttered in the light breeze.
"Really?" Izzy chastised DJ, who was still shivering in her arms. "You freaked over that little thing?"
"Hello, blessed creature of the world~," Dawn cooed as she approached the little pony. "My, you've kept yourself in good shape while keeping up with this group~! How are you?"
She pat the creature's hat, as it grinned blissfully at her. Dawn almost hurt herself on the horn that was practically hidden around its poofy mane, but managed to avoid injury. The pony squeaked in delight at being touched affectionately.
"Aw, what a little cutie," DJ asked as he climbed out of Izzy's arms, approaching the new creature. "What's your name, pal?" "It's a pony, it doesn't talk," Izzy snapped.
"Half the animals I've seen these days do," the gentle giant pointed out to her. He too pet the small pony, asking for its name.
In response, the pony pulled out a horn from seemingly nowhere, and let out a loud "HONK!" in response to the question.
"Your name is Honk?" DJ asked.
"HORNK," said the pony's horn negatively.
"Guessing by horn sounds is going to take a while, dear creature~," Dawn said.
"True, but sometimes life doesn't need guessing games to be enjoyable, my little pony~!"
Izzy rolled her eyes. "C'mon, I am a crime-fighting super agent with the agility that rivals superheroes, I am not risking my reputation just because this thing has ridiculously adorable eyes."
"Yes, I think yellow is an under-appreciated tint for eyes, but that's not important right now!"
"Hey guys," Colin said as he approached them, "we're going to be leaving soon, as soon as what's-her-name finished paying for gas!" "Seriously?" Izzy growled at him. "You harass her every day, and you don't recall her name?"
"Psycho girl, the only part of that sentence I could understand was 'her ass'. Now then-"
He stopped when he saw the blue-green pony staring up at them, waving its hoof excitedly. The bully said something that rhymed very well with, "Lore bucking ridding glee."
"Meet our new friend," DJ said cheerfully.
"*Bad word indeed* no, we're not bringing around that girly thing, that somehow has a tattoo of a harp on its ass, with us!" Colin exclaimed. He leaned in at the pony, and snarled, "What do you have to say about that?"
The harp-flanked pony, in response without ever losing her grin, pulled a long cane with a horn at the end and pointed the funnel end in Colin's face. A loud, "BLONK!" followed, and the bully looked like he had just stood in a very powerful wind tunnel. He wandered off, dazed and deafened, asking for the name of the hurricane that had hit him.
"We'll keep her," Izzy cheered, embracing the blue-green unicorn. "Hee hee, you gotta hook me up with that horn cane, new little buddy!"
"You already have an RPG-7~," Dawn pointed out. "Do you really need more weapons?"
"Hey girls, as much as I love animals and such," DJ mused, "shouldn't we be a little concerned about how Chico is going to react when there's a new animal on board?"
"lolz, cud u all halp mae?" Chico the Raccoon said as he waddled up to the group. "i iz havin troubells wid dis levul, nut abul 2 git three stars, an…"
He stopped when he saw the pony standing with his human friends, dropped the GPS, and squealed in joy. "NEW FREND, LOL LOL LOL!"
The pony and raccoon leapt at each other, playfully rolling around and wrestling. As the humans watched Chico scratch the newcomer's hindquarters, making her kick her hoof excitedly, Dawn giggled.
"It appears that Harpo has joined her brothers~!"
(RV Confessional Booth - Keep your Marxist ways, it's only just a phase!)
Colin - *trying to get his spiky hair back to normal* "Stupid pony, stupid raccoon, stupid redheaded RPG-7 carrying hose-beast, stupid blond nature chick, stupid everything! This trip is seriously pissing me off!"
Dawn - "My work here is done~!"
*knocking on the door* Clive - "Dawn, I think your team left without you!"
Dawn - "It's okay, I saw in my tea leaves that we'll stop at the next place you all do, and they can pick me up then~."
Izzy - "Just goes to show you, you can always like something, despite the demography setting placed upon by the usual trend-setters! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to clean my rocket launcher."
Chico the Raccoon - "i can has new frend! yayz! best day eva!"
Harpo the Pony - *Honk! Honk hornk honk hink honk!*
Chico- "yah, dese confesshunals r silly, but we roll wid it fur de humans"
Harpo - *Honk honk?*
Chico - "yah, humans r funny, dey hav weeurd taystes!"
(Day 3 of the RV Race.)
(Maclean Stadium, Stage Center.)
"I FINALLY GOT A PONY! This is the greatest day of my life!"
"Oh shut up, Chef," Chris grumbled. "I don't want a pony on this show, this is a masculine show with die-hard challenges and rip-roaring danger!"
"Mr. Maclean?" Billy said, poking the host's shoulder. "Your bubble bath is ready, and we made sure that there's exactly three rubber duckies."
"Quiet you, get off the stage!"
As the host shooed away the intern, Chef cleared the tears from his eyes, while Groucho the Duck pat his shoulder. "There you go, dreams from your childhood have come to fruition. And you know what? You're crying like a five year old girl too, how fitting."
"Say whatever you want, you cherry or orange sauce covered meal, but you cannot take this wonderful moment away from me."
"You think you're happy? I apparently have a sister now. Wonder how good she is with weapons."
"She's a unicorn, she might know magic."
Groucho scratched the underside of his bill with his wingtip. "That could be handy for levitating artillery. Might be calling her my lethal pony!"
"Duck, do not ruin my childhood."
"How can I, it was already scarred horribly, judging by your encyclopedia-sized amount of issues."
As Chef continued to blubber happily, Chris went back out onto the stage, addressing the audience. "Well, three and a half days in, we're half done with this awesome challenge, everyone!"
The crowd roared with enthusiasm, and he continued. "So you may be asking yourselves…"
"Just what else is going to happen on this crazy RV ride with our contestants?
"Who else can we get to perform at our stadium to rock the side details?
"And seriously, does anyone know who the Marx Brothers are? No fair looking up on Wikipedia!
"These answers have a seventy-five percent chance of being answered when we come back to TOTAL! DRAMA! BATTLEGROUNDS!"
The crowd bellowed its gusto and excitement, and Chris drank it all in. That is, until a large cinnamon bun hit him in the face, the sticky sugar dripping down his handsome features.
"Boo, you're not funny," screamed a pink-haired member of the audience. "Go back to Sexy Eyebrows!"
"You little punk…"
"And what's the deal with no cupcakes being served in the stadium? I find your lack of pastries disturbing!"
Team 1 - Alfred, Tyler, Sebastian, Mandy, Sakaki, Dawn.
Team 2 - Lindsay, Anita, Geoff, Gwen, Belinda, Sierra.
Team 3 - Harold, Rodney, Leshawna, Yoshi, Xander, Beth.
Team 4 - Arthur, Ezekiel, Sadie, Heather, Zachary, Alejandro.
Team 5 - Courtney, Noah, Eva, Valerie, Bridgette, Duncan.
Team 6 - Colin, Izzy, DJ, Cody, Crystal, Clive, Chico, Harpo.
Janitor's Closet Decorations to Date - Firework scorches on the walls, floor, and the ceiling. Chico's paw-made bed lies in the corner. A Fame Town CD, broken and burnt, is perched on the shelf. A poster for the band Sex Eyebrows, signed by the members of the band, is proudly displayed on the wall.
Next Up - *Honk hornk honkity honk HONK! Honk? Honks!*
Oh, and um, the conclusion to the RV Race. And! The very fate of TDBG… rests in your hands! Or hooves, or wings, or paws, or whatever.