A/N: Here is the outtake you've all been asking for - Jasper's POV from the fight, and Emmett's POV from the infamous "I need you" phone call. Hope this sheds some light on what these two had in their brains during those scenes.
How is it that in two short days, your life can be turned completely upside-down. Ass over tin cups. Backwards. Shit.
That's exactly what happened.
I was standing in the parking lot of the hospital, staring at the tiny phone in my bandaged palm. I shouldn't have been so afraid of that little piece of plastic, but at that moment it terrified me. It wasn't the inanimate object itself so much as the implications that went with using it, because once I flipped it open I was sure that the number I dialed would no longer be in my control. It would be an unconscious decision, and one that I wasn't sure I was ready to make.
Oh, I wanted to make it. If I was being honest with myself, I needed to make it. But I didn't know if I was ready.
If I did dial the number, there would be questions that I didn't know if I could deal with. There would be guilt for the selfish request I would surely make.
There would also be relief.
My thoughts were betraying my carefully laid out plan of avoidance. But they were right - I would be relieved if I were to hear her speak, even more so if I could hold her in my arms.
Stop it, dipshit. She might not even come home. Don't get your hopes up.
No, she'll come home if you ask her. You know she will. That's why you feel so much guilt.
I was fucking arguing with myself. My clear lack of mental stability was the last straw. With trembling fingers I opened the phone and dialed the number.
One ring…two rings…three rings…
"Hello? Emmett? Why haven't you answered any of my calls?"
My heart twitched at the sound of her voice. It had been so heavy, barely even beating before, but just hearing her made it jump back to life.
"Bella," I croaked out, my voice thick with sadness, longing and shame - shame for what I had no right to ask. But I did it anyway. "Bella, I need you to come home…" I trailed off when I heard her stop breathing.
"Emmett, what's wrong?" I could hear the panic in her voice, and it pained me even more.
"I just…I don't want to do this to you, but I can't help it. I can't do this alone. Please, Bella…please come home…"
Fuck, I was so needy and helpless at that moment, and I could feel the sting of my tears running down my face. I wanted to be strong, but the truth was that I was so weak without her. I could barely function before my Father was nearly burned alive because of me, and now I was simply shutting down.
I needed her. I wanted her. I fucking loved her for Christ's sake.
"Emmett, please…" she said with a shaking voice.
I was on the verge of explaining, telling her everything that had happened with the fire, my Father, my horse…but my own shaking hands betrayed me, and I watched my tiny phone slip through my fingers and shatter on the pavement at my feet.
"Fuck! No, no, no no…"
But it was too late. The phone was destroyed, and so were my chances of being whole, of having my little girl here to comfort me when I was so weak.
My knees gave out on me and I slumped to the sidewalk, holding my head in my hands and crying there in the dark. I didn't care if anyone saw me or thought I was completely off my rocker, because right then I was. I was truly lost and overwhelmed, and only one thought managed to make a continuous circuit through my head, my own silent prayer…
Nothing else matters. Please come home to me…
This was definitely not what I had planned.
That fucking phone of hers just had to ring. Ring. That's exactly what was burning a hole right through my pocket. An engagement ring for my beautiful Bella.
I had set this evening up to be utter perfection. I knew that this was her dream, that I could give it to her, that I could make her happy. I knew it right down to my bones. All she had to do was give me a chance.
Maybe I was jumping the gun. Okay, I knew I was. But when you know, you know, right? I mean, we just made perfect sense. I was so in tune with her that I could practically predict every move she made and every want she could ever have, and I had the means to provide her with it.
We hadn't slept together - well, we hadn't had sex yet - but that was okay. I wanted sex with Bella to be special, pure in some form. I didn't want it tainted by a cheap motel room or unanswered questions. I wanted to have sex with her the first time knowing that she had promised not to be with anybody that way ever again. I wanted her to be mine.
But that plan was shot to hell with one fucking phone call from the one man that could keep us apart. It was Emmett, and by the way Bella was shaking and frantically calling into the phone, then cursing as she dialed several different numbers, something was wrong. I wanted to be concerned, I wanted to help out my friend and the man that willingly gave her up for me to love. But all my concern flew right out the window and was replaced with resentment when she uttered one simple phrase…
"I have to go."
She said it so quietly I thought maybe I didn't hear her correctly.
"What?" I asked.
She froze, and I repeated myself again slowly, this time with more agitation than I intended.
"What did you say?"
In an instant she was gone, running down the aisle and calling over her shoulder, "I have to go!" She sprinted, calling to Seth and frantically moving about.
I ran after her, finally catching up to her as she was trying to get into her horse's stall. That's when I realized she was serious. She was leaving.
There was no way I was going to let her go so easily.
I couldn't help the amount of emotions that seared through me at once. Love for the beautiful woman in front of me. Pain because she was running away at the very moment she was supposed to be running toward me. Jealousy over the man she was running toward, even without so much as an explanation from him or to me. Sadness for the loss I knew was coming, even if I couldn't admit it yet. Betrayal and anger were the foremost in my mind, even though I tried to beat them back down into submission.
I grabbed onto her arm, letting the anger run through my fingers as I gripped onto her too tightly. I never meant to hurt her, but at the same time I wanted her to feel at least some of the pain I was enduring. She couldn't know how bad it was for me, or else she wouldn't be leaving…right?
"Bella," I nearly whimpered as I yanked her around to face me. "Bella, please - just wait-"
But she cut me off, her eyes wild with…with…fear?
"No," she said firmly. "I can't wait. Something's wrong with him, Jasper, something big. He asked me to come home - he never asks anything like that of anyone, let alone me - that means there's something really wrong. The phone cut out before he could tell me what was going on," she said as she tried to pull away.
I couldn't let her leave. "Please…let me try to call him, or someone else down there. You don't have to leave yet, slow down and let me figure this out," I desperately pleaded my case. "Why can't you just stay here with me and we'll get to the bottom of things together?"
She wriggled harder and finally freed herself from my grasp. I could see the red mark on her arm, and knew that it was going to bruise her delicate skin.
"No. I need to go. You don't understand…he's my best friend, family, and he said that he needed me to come home. He practically begged, and you know that he just doesn't do that. Hell, he virtually threw me at you when he left a few weeks ago, so this isn't a fucking social call!" she exclaimed as she moved back toward the stall door.
The anger built up again, but quickly dissipated when I slammed the stall door shut as she was trying to open it. I needed to stop her. I needed to come up with some kind of solution to keep her here with me.
"Bella, stop." I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. "You don't even know why he called. Why don't you let me send someone down there - Miguel maybe - to see what's going on."
Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. Bella's face became a deep shade of red, but this time it wasn't because of her shyness. She was anything but timid when she spoke again.
"I need to go home," she hissed through her teeth. "Nothing else matters right now. Nothing."
My eyes went wide as she hastily moved into the stall. I couldn't move. I replayed her words in my head…
Nothing else matters…
Is she fucking serious?
I could feel her brush past me to load her horse onto the trailer at the same time I felt the rage seep into my eyes. I literally saw red.
I heard her talking with Seth some more, but couldn't make out the conversation because her words kept playing over and over in my brain, louder and louder, drowning out all rational thought.
I don't remember catching up to her again, and I don't remember planning to say the things I did. They simply flew from my mouth and I was powerless to stop them in my emotional state.
"Do you know what you're doing?" I asked, hearing the venom in my words.
"Yes," she replied defiantly.
"Really? Because I don't think you do," I yelled mere inches from her face. I didn't think I was capable of such ferocity, but there I was, screaming at her.
"Fuck, Bella! I just got you here and now you're running away, running for home! Why is it that you can't stay away from him, huh? What makes him more important?"
Tears were in her eyes as she screamed back at me. "Why are you being like this, Jasper? He's your friend too damn-it, and he's my fucking family! The only one I've got now! It doesn't matter why he needs me! And you didn't hear him on the phone…you just don't understand."
The redness consumed me.
"You're fucking right I don't understand," I shouted back. "I don't understand why you can run to him at the drop of a hat and why it took me all these years to get you to even consider kissing me. I don't understand how you can pick that old run down ranch over what I know is your fucking dream equine operation here, complete with anything you could ever ask for simply handed to you. And I really don't fucking understand how you're so eager to dismiss this," I yelled as I thrust my hand into her face, holding the shiny ring that was meant for her in the palm of my hand.
I held it out to her, trying to will her to take it from me and stay, to forgive me for hurting her. But if she didn't, I wanted the sight of it to hurt her, cut her deeply so that she never recovered. I was sick. Masochistic. I couldn't control these malicious impulses coursing through me.
"Jazz," she breathed. "I-I…" she stuttered as she closed her eyes.
I started to feel guilty…that is until she spoke again.
"Jasper, how did you expect me to live up to this kind of life? I would never be good enough for you to parade around through all this extravagance. I'm just a country hick, I don't have style or grace or even proper etiquette to live like you, to be the kind of woman that you need draped on your arm. I can't live up to all this! You set the bar so fucking high that I'd never be able to reach it!"
The red came flooding back. "Fuck, Bella! All I ever fucking wanted was you! I want to marry you for Christ's sake."
"Really Jasper? You want to propose to me? We've barely spent any time really getting to know each other! I thought I knew you before, but after being here even just these few days with you, I realized I don't know you at all and you certainly don't know me or else you would've grasped that none of those material things matter to me! They never have! Coddling me and throwing fancy things around is not what I want. I just…I just can't do this right now," she spit out as she moved away from me…again.
I was losing her. Or maybe I never had her.
Suddenly I couldn't feel anything. I went numb. My whole world collapsed on me in that moment. All I could think about was not being able to feel anything, physical or emotional.
I wanted to feel.
I needed to feel…something.
Before I realized what was happening, some kind of low growl boiled deep inside my chest. My fist was moving…so fast I didn't really even recognize that it was mine until it collided with the oak paneling of the stall next to me. There was a crunch and a gush. Tiny red droplets spewed from my knuckles. Then I finally felt it - the pain, letting me know that I was still alive, that I hadn't died like I thought I would when she rejected me. The blood and the ache let me know that my heart was still beating even though it was broken.
I heard a faint voice, but I couldn't tell if it was her, or if I had completely manufactured it in my own head. "I…I'm so sorry, Jasper. I h-hope you can forgive m-me…someday," it stammered and cried.
And then, it was gone.
A/N: So, there you have it, our favorite boys and their personal turmoil. Hope that gives you a little better insight into their thoughts and actions.
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