Rewrites of fairytales with a twist: enjoy,
PS I ain't owning anything so don't sue me
The Three Little Pigs
One spring day, Supervisor Komui Pig decided it was time for his three students to get out into the real world and fend for themselves.
"Now my students it seems like it's the final day in this classroom, tomorrow you will find your way out in the real world. i.e. the meadow, where you must watch out for the Big Bad Tyki Wolf who enjoys eating little piggies like you, Lavi, Kanda and Allen. Well, good luck then!" finished Supervisor Pig.
So the next day the three little piggies left and decided to start off by building their own homes.
The first little pig, Kanda, decided to build his house out of straw, because that was what was fun to chop up with his katana, Mugen. (You know those straw sticks in Japan…). While it was a chop-up-able house, which was convenient if Kanda ever had temper problems, there was a wolf looking interestedly at the easily gettable food.
Big Bad Tyki Wolf marched up to the straw house and knocked on the bunches of straw, "Let me in! Let me in! Or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll get my Tease to eat your house up!"
"No, not on the fuckin' blade on my shiny shin Mugen!" replied the first little pig.
So Tyki huffed and puffed and decided it was easier just to get his Tease to eat the house up. But after the house was eaten up he saw a blade, a few lost hairs and a rapidly retreating figure.
"Damn, where's my food?"
The second little piggy, Lavi decided to build his house out of sticks, because sticks were cool and if an earthquake ever occurred he wouldn't die. Maybe it was also so that if Lavi ever needed to cook (not that he would) he could just yoink a stick or two and start a fire and eat barbequed… whatever pigs ate.
But a certain wolf, i.e. Big Bad Tyki Wolf was waiting for his chance. He trotted up to the stick house, realising the he just got a haircut from Mugen and knocked on the stick mosaic and yelled, "Let me in! Let me in! Or I'll huff and I'll puff and use my Noah of Pleasure powers!"
"No, not on my green-ness of my oh so cool bandana!" replied Lavi.
So Tyki huffed and puffed and decided it was plainly easier to just use his Noah powers to go through the sticks and try to eat up the poor piggy, well Lavi kind of managed to escape by dislodging the other half of his house (the half Tyki wasn't in).
"Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm too young to die!" wailed Lavi retreating into the horizon
"Damn it, now I'm really hungry," sighed the wolf.
The third little piggie, Allen decided to build his house out of bricks, which was because the brick merchant told him that bricks were the best, so he bought them due to his naivety and it turned out it took longest to build.
On the other hand a wolf was hungry for food and that was when he saw his luck, Kanda, Lavi and Allen all cooped up in the brick house that Allen built, hiding from him, how could they hide from the oh so great Tyki Mikk?
So he walked up and rapped on the door.
"Let me in! Let me in! Or I'll huff and I'll puff or just do whatever to get in!" boomed Tyki.
"No, not on the curse of my damn curse!" replied Allen.
So Tyki huffed and puffed and found out that just opening the unlocked door was far easier.
In the far corner the three little piggies cowered and whispered in fear.
"Idiot bean sprout how could you not close the damn, fucking door?" whispered Kanda, in a shouting way.
"Who cares if your Allen of not, you're not going to be Allen or anything in fact after we get eaten by him," said Lavi.
"Eaten, since when was I going to eat you?" asked Tyki.
"Aw come on I don't eat red meat, the doctor told me it was bad for my health, I just wanted to join one of you for afternoon tea," explained Tyki.
"OH, well why didn't you say so earlier?" asked Lavi cuffing the wolf in a friendly manner.
And so they all lived happily ever after, eating cakes and drinking tea to their hearts content.
"WAIT!" shouted Komui, "WHY DID I ONLY GET ONE LINE?"