Author: Sapphire Smoke
Series: Part 1/3 of the "I'm Not One Of Them" Series
Length: 7,415 words
Summary: It doesn't matter how Sophie feels, she just knows it's wrong.
Feedback: Give it to me, baby ;]
The lights from the candles were dim, flickering only slightly from the small breeze that sneaks through the slightly open window. The colors danced on her skin, illuminating the tiny girl who was crouched on the couch, knees to chin as she looks out at the rain pouring down outside. Her fingertips are moving on her knee, as if counting a beat that only she can hear. She lets out a breath I didn't know she had been holding and she turns to look at me then, the candlelight flashing across her features. She looks curious and I look behind me instinctively, wondering if she's seeing something I can't.
"You don't like the dark," Parker says to me, watching me like I was as interesting as a television show.
I shift in my seat under her gaze, suddenly feeling uncomfortable from her intuition. "What makes you say that?" I ask her, sitting up straighter to try to give the illusion of confidence. But she was right… I didn't like the dark. The dark usually harbored a lot of bad things. I know I'm being silly about it, the power only just went out and I'm in my own apartment after all, but sometimes it's hard to shake the feeling.
Parker just smiles slightly and responds, "You're really close to the candles, you want to be near some light." She holds out her hand then and passes it cleanly through the flame of the candle nearest her, making me utter a sound of protest but fall silent when I realize she's not burning herself. She looks back up to me. "I love fire," she tells me.
I don't answer her, just watch as she smiles at me again and passes her hand through the flame again. "Thanks for letting me stay over, Sophie," she says before she looks down, trying not to smile again. I don't understand why, but then her fingers are coaxing the flames again, a look of concentration on her face.
"You really need to move out of that apartment," I tell her seriously. I probably sound like I was chiding her, but I didn't care, she really did need to move out of that disgusting place. "They kicked everyone out to exterminate, that should tell you something."
"Bugs need a home too," Parker says without looking at me and a look of disgust crosses over my face. Knowing Parker, the girl might have gone on a 'rescue the bugs' mission and it might be her fault entirely that they were in the building in the first place. But Parker didn't let me in on that, just looked back up and leaned back on the couch to address me. "I like it there, Sophie. I don't like big pretty things like you. I like simple things, they're easier."
"I worry about your health," I tell her with a bit of a sigh. "Bugs living there can make you sick, sweetie." She shrugs a bit and picks at her fingernails. Then suddenly she's up, moving to the other end of the couch and sitting down so she can be closer to me. I look at her in question and she puts her hand on my thigh, leaning in as if telling me a secret.
"I'm fine, promise," she whispers, her face close to mine, and then another smile starts to spread across her face before she takes her hand off of my thigh and leans back on the couch. I just blink at her; sometimes I don't understand why she does some things… or most things, really. "Do you want to roast marshmallows?" she asks me then, out of nowhere.
"Over a candle?" I ask her, looking at her strangely. She nods and I respond, "I don't think I have any. Those things go straight to your hips anyway, you know."
Parker just laughs and her eyes sweep over my form in a way that made me question why before she responds, "I think you'd be beautiful even if you were fat." She shrugs then and pinches the skin on her stomach, which isn't much. I look at her funny, not really understanding what she was doing.
"Thanks?" I say, not knowing if that was a backhanded compliment, and also not knowing why Parker was pinching herself. But she didn't offer to explain, just stops and looks up at me.
* * * * *
A loud crack of thunder ripped through the sky and I gasp and sit straight up in bed, being awoken by the sound of it. I relax once I realize what it was that caused me to wake up so suddenly, and shake my head to jolt myself out of my daze. Yawning and looking at the clock, I find it's only three am. But my stomach's growling also, demanding that I feed it since I skipped on dinner so I rose out of bed and grabbed my bathrobe, pulling it tight around myself.
I try the light switch, but the power is still out. I sigh and open my bedroom door, walking into the living room. As I go to cross it to the kitchen I stop, noticing the couch was empty. Parker's blankets and pillows were there, but no Parker. My eyes flicker over the bathroom but the doors open and I can see she's not in there.
Thinking that she may have had the same middle of the night cravings I found my way into the kitchen, but it was empty. Worrying a bit now I feel my way through the dark to where my phone is plugged in. Of course it wasn't doing anything to help the charge while the electricity was out, but I did have some battery life left. I open up my text messages and send, "Where are you?" to Parker's phone.
I sit at my computer desk and try to think of where she would go, but no places come to mind. Hoping she didn't just leave without saying goodbye at least, I felt my lips turn down into a frown. Parker was never good at formalities so I didn't doubt it, and I also know Parker wouldn't realize it's a bit rude to just up and leave like that. Then a chime went through my phone, signaling a new message. Three words.
"On the roof."
I look outside, it's still pouring out. I sigh and take off my bathrobe and grab my jacket and shoes. She's going to get herself sick out there, or freeze to death, either one. Sometimes I swear Parker does this kind of stuff only because she knows it drives me crazy. Nate too, but he isn't here for this, this time.
When I reach the door to the roof five minutes later, I push it open but continue to stand inside, refusing to get myself wet. I look out through the darkness and can faintly see Parker looking up at the rain falling. She was dangerously close to the edge and my heart leapt in my throat as I realized that if she slipped there was no way she wouldn't fall. "Parker!" I call out. "Parker get away from the ledge!"
Parker didn't move though, just looked back at me, turning a bit and making me almost have a heart attack as she looked unsteady for just a second. "Come here," she calls back.
"I'm serious, Parker!" I yell to her, just wanting her to get to a safer place. "Please move!"
"Come here," she repeats again, and I silently curse as I make the decision to venture out into the rain just to make sure Parker doesn't end up accidently killing herself or something. The drops are hitting my bare legs, making me a shiver a bit and chide myself for not changing my sleeping shorts for pants before I left. Parker smiles as she sees me coming and moves away from the ledge towards me.
"Come back inside," I tell her, taking her hand and preparing to drag her back in if I have to. But she plants her feet and doesn't move, so I look back at her. "You're going to get sick," I tell her as I look over her attire of a tank top and tiny little shorts with her bare feet.
"You worry too much," she says with a smile and then lifts up my hand she's holding and twirls herself under it. "I've always wanted to dance in the rain," she tells me.
"Parker," I say again, a little more firmly.
But then she has my other hand as well, and she's trying to make me dance with her. I refuse and she pouts a bit, choosing then instead to wrap her arms around my neck, which makes my eyes go wide a bit from Parker very much invading my personal space. "Why do you think people kiss in the rain?" she asks.
My hearts pounding a bit, and I'm nervous all of a sudden. I take her hands and guide her arms back down before I step back, feeling a bit uncomfortable being that close to her. "Because it's romantic," I tell her, letting go of her hands. "Can we please go inside?"
"You need to relax and enjoy life a little," she tells me then, her devious smile in place as she skips back over to the edge of the roof. My eyes go wide, angry at her for making me scared again. She's walking the ledge now, one foot carefully in front of the other, making me feel like I might pass out.
"Parker!" I yell, scared as one foot almost doesn't make it all the way on to the ledge, "You're going to kill yourself!"
"I'm going to die when I'm supposed to die, Sophie. Not before," she responds as her arms stretch out to balance herself. "This is fun," she tells me. A thought passes through my brain that if she doesn't die doing this, I might just kill her after. She knows she's freaking me out.
"I'll get off if you dance with me," she says then, as if reading my mind. I don't hesitate answering; I just want her off of there.
"Fine!" I exclaim, and can finally breathe right when she steps off it and walks back towards me. I have the urge to hit her for scaring me like that. "I should kill you myself," I tell her finally.
Parker just grins before jumping a bit in a puddle, splashing me. I make a sound of annoyance and she giggles. I really might kill her, I really might.
I'm soaked from head to toe now like her, my hair sticking to my face. I push it back with one hand as she prances over me and says, "Take off your coat and your shoes, please."
"Parker—" I start to protest, but am interrupted. Dancing is one thing, being half clothed while doing it in the cold rain is quite another.
"I'll go back on the ledge then," she says and turns, which makes me emit a loud protest before she turns back around with a smile. I feel like I'm trying to reason with a two year old that knows they have the upper hand, it's not working out very well.
I let out a heavy sigh and shoot her a look of contempt as my fingers reach for my zipper and I slide it down before shrugging off my coat. Stepping out of my shoes I pick them up and move them under the small overhead near the stairs so they would be out of the rain, then I walked back to her. "Blackmail isn't nice, you know," I told her.
"Neither is stealing," she counters with a grin. "But we both do that." Then she takes my hand and raises it up. I flash my eyes at her before twirling myself under it. She is in so much trouble when we get off this roof.
We dance for a bit and despite myself I actually did find myself enjoying it, though I wasn't going to admit that to her. I still was cold, wet, and probably looked like a drowned rat, but there was something incredibly freeing about dancing in the rain on your roof at three in the morning.
Parker had laced out fingers together and now she came closer to me, pressing her body up against mine, her face only a breath away from mine, before noticing the look of shock, or maybe even fear on my face, before she giggled and pulled away. I didn't understand her, though I don't think I ever will. Her intentions never seem solid, and sometimes it feels like she'll look at me like an older sister, but then there's times like now where I couldn't figure out if she was trying to flirt with me or if she just didn't know what's appropriate.
Parker twirled again, getting up on her toes and then came closer to me again, looking at me in a way I couldn't read, which was surprising since I read people for a living. Then her lips curled into a smile and she let go of my hand to brush a piece of hair away that was sticking to my cheek. "Thank you," she said to me before letting go of my hands and stepping away.
I just stared at her as she wrapped her arms around herself, shivering a bit before walking back to the door to go back downstairs without another word.
* * * * *
Parker jumped on my bed, making me squeal and almost fall off. My hands grabbed my sheets though to steady myself before I took a breath. "What are you trying to do to me?" I asked her with my eyes narrow. Maybe having Parker stay with me isn't the best idea after all. My eyes try to adjust to the darkness and I can hear the thunder still crack outside.
Parker doesn't answer, just shakes her head a bit, spraying me with water droplets from her soaked hair. I screech and hold up the covers, blocking myself from them before I put them down in a huff and say sternly, "Now you're getting me wet. Get out of my bed, Parker."
I just wanted to go to sleep; it was now almost four in the morning. But instead of getting out of the bed she got in it, pulling the covers up around her. I sigh. "I don't like to sleep alone," she tells me.
"Parker, you live alone," I say.
"But I don't sleep alone," she rationalizes. I turn to lie on my side to look at her confused.
"Are you seeing someone?" I asked her. Parker never talked about having a boyfriend, so I was surprised. Then again, Parker never talked much about herself at all.
She giggles and pulls the covers up to her chin. "No," she says. "I have Bunny."
"Who's Bunny?" I ask her.
Parker just smiles and replies, "My best friend." She doesn't explain more than that, and we both fall silent for a bit and I try to move a bit over more on my side so we don't touch, feeling a little weird with her being so close to me. But then Parker moves a little too, trapping me a bit, I couldn't move any further back unless I planned to fall on my ass, which didn't sound like a good thing to do.
"Personal space," I remind her. "If you want to sleep here you're going to have to give me some room." But Parker doesn't move, so I sigh. "Please?" I ask her.
She hoists herself up on one elbow instead and looks down at her curiously. "Why are you scared to be near me?" she asks.
"I'm not," I say automatically, but I know that's a lie… and so does she. I just avert my eyes to look at the wall, not knowing myself why she makes me so nervous and uncomfortable sometimes. I just chalk it up to it being just how Parker is, but no one else seems to get this way other than me when she's near them. "It's not you," I say finally, looking back at her, just needing her to know that I guessed it wasn't. It was just me being weird, I guess. I've never been close to a woman, as friends or as even in my family, who I never talk to anymore.
"But I make you nervous," Parker says, and gets closer to me to prove her point. Her body is touching mine now and my breath catches in my throat before my eyes flicker up to lock on to hers. I can feel her breast on my bare arm, even though she's clothed. I still know what it is though, and it makes me feel like a pervert for touching her even though its no my fault so I pull my arm away from her a bit.
"I don't know why," I admit to her. I looked down for a moment before asking, slightly pleading a bit. "Can we just go to sleep?"
Parker looked at me for a long time before her fingertips move slightly against my own fingers. But when I moved them a bit to take away my hand, suddenly her fingers were laced in mine. I chewed on my bottom lip, not knowing if I should say anything, and what I should say even if I opened my mouth. But Parker spoke first, "Okay, let's sleep." And then with another smile she rolled over a bit, giving me room… but not letting go of my hand.
* * * * *
When I woke up, I found my hand was still in Parkers and somehow during the middle of the night she had found her way to roll on top of me. Her head was on my chest, one leg thrown over mine. I let out a heavy breath and looked down at her, not knowing what to do. Parker looked so peaceful, looking almost angelic and innocent as she slept. Her chest was rising and falling softly, and she nuzzled her head into me a bit.
But no matter how sweet she looked and how nice it felt… at the same time it scared me. It was making me question things that I didn't want to be questioning, not now, not forty years into my life. So I tried to move, just slightly slip away without disturbing her. But just as I made the slightest move, Parker emitted a sound of sleepy protest and held on to me tighter, ruining any chance for escape.
"Parker," I sigh softly. "I'm not—" but I stopped, not knowing what I was really even going to say. I knew she couldn't even hear me anyway… she was fast asleep. So I sighed again and settled back down into my bed, trying to make the best out of the situation. It was only eight o'clock anyway; I didn't really have to be up now.
I looked back down at Parker, then my eyes found the place where our hands were still entwined. I blink, realizing it and then softly untangle my hand from hers. Parker lets out another sleep protest and instead brings that arm around my waist, snuggling into me. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to get out of this so I try to just get comfortable and go back to sleep, hoping that Parker will wake up first this time.
* * * * *
I wake up for a second time to Parker jumping on the bed… again. I gasp as I'm jerked out of sleep and look at her accusingly. "Bloody hell," I mumble, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
"Get up, sleepy head. It's eleven twenty-three, time for breakfast before it turns to lunch!" And then she was grabbing my hand, trying to pull me out of bed. I slapped it away though and she takes her own hand back, looking disgruntled.
"You don't have to pull me, Parker," I tell her, waving my hands at her to back up. She does and climbs off the bed so I can too. When my feet hit the floor though she has this grin on her face and she's bouncing up and down a bit on the balls of her feet as I sat and stared at her.
I let out a tired, disbelieving laugh at her morning behavior and ask, "What?"
"I made a surprise! Come look!" she exclaims, clearly excited by it. I have a bad feeling though, Parker and surprises never seemed to be something that would mesh very well.
"Okay, okay," I tell her. "I'm coming." I stretch a bit to just to get the sleep out of me, but as my hands are in the air, Parker grabs one of them and pulls me out of bed and on to my feet. "Jesus!" I exclaim at the suddenness of it.
"Come on!" She exclaims again and then she's dragging me out of my bedroom and into the living room. When we go into the kitchen I stop and stare. Oh no.
Not only did Parker cook, it was very clear that she cooked. There was flour on the ceiling of all places, little things that looked like chocolate chips spilled on the floor, and dirty dishes everywhere. I put my hand over my mouth as I look around, but when I look at her I have to crack a smile because she seems so proud of herself.
"I made chocolate chip pancakes!" she tells me with a grin.
My hand falls from my mouth and I smirk a bit, "I can tell." And then I laugh a bit, shaking my head and looking around my disastrous kitchen.
Parker's over at the plates now though, both with the two biggest pancakes I think I've ever seen in my life. She tears off a piece of one and dips it in syrup and brings it up to my lips, her other hand under it so the syrup wouldn't drip on the floor, though I didn't know why she was bothering. "Try it," she says.
"Oh Parker, use a fork," I chide her, motioning at her hands. But she puts it closer to my face and moves it a bit with an encouraging smile on her face. I roll my eyes a bit but relent because she's too excited about it to bring her down, and open my mouth.
Her fingers are then up to my lips and I take the offering, trying not to get her fingers but still accidently bringing one into my mouth. Parker smiles a bit as she takes it away and then licks her own syrupy fingers, even though they had just been on my own mouth. But I don't have time to remind her about germs because what's in my mouth right now tastes like heaven.
"Wow," I say, surprised after I swallow. "That's really, really good." Parker beams at me and rushes over to give me the whole plate.
"Really?" she asks. I nod as I grab a fork, and one for her as well to make a point. We sit down at the table and Parker's happier than I've ever seen her, just over pancakes.
"I tried really hard to make them good for you," she tells me, then looks up at me with a look that makes me question her meaning behind it. But before I have a chance to ask her, she's stuffing her face with pancakes, smiling.
* * * * *
After work I stormed in the door of my apartment, Parker behind me. Her apartment still wouldn't be done for another two days, which right now I wasn't liking because I was angry and upset and hated being that way around other people. I collapsed on the couch in a fury, crossing my arms over my chest and just trying to breathe.
Parker doesn't say anything, just sits next to me and reaches for the remote and turns on to the television. There's silence between us for a long time before she says finally, "Don't be upset, Nate's always a dick."
I laugh a bit at Parker calling Nate a dick and look over at her. She turns too, and she gives me a little smile before putting her hand on my leg. She rubs me a bit before I can register what she is doing, and before I can even say anything it's gone again, back down at her side. I take a breath and reply, "I just wish he wasn't… to me."
"He's stupid," Parker says simply, like it's nothing. She shrugs a bit and turns her attention back to the TV before finishing, "He doesn't know what he's missing out on."
My eyebrows furrow as I continue to stare at her. I couldn't be sure, but recently I've been getting the feeling that Parker liked me a little more than she was letting on. I take a deep breath and decide to set the record straight before this could go any further than it already has.
"Parker, I'm not…" I start, but then stop. I feel stupid just for saying it. But she turns to look at me so I know I have to finish. "I'm not… gay. You know that, right?"
"Neither am I," she says, looking at me like she doesn't understand what my point is. I flush in embarrassment, maybe I was wrong. I look down as my cheeks burn hot and feeling ridiculous.
"Nevermind," I mumble, just wanting to forget I ever said that. How self absorbed am I? Thinking that Parker… I look back at the television, just trying to forget it. She was just Parker, she just did and said those types of things. It never really meant anything.
* * * * *
"Can I borrow this?" Parker asks me, coming out of my closet. It was night time and she was holding up one of my oversized t-shirts. I was already dressed, ready to get into bed as I sat on the edge and looked at her.
"Where's your sleep clothes?" I asked her.
She shrugged, "I don't know." And she looks like she really doesn't know, that it's a mystery to her. I just shake my head and relent. Nodding in approval, I watch her turn her back to me and strip off her shirt, exposing her bare back.
I avert my eyes, trying to give her some privacy. I pick at my bed sheets, trying to figure out this weird feeling I was having, and have been having a lot lately. But then Parker turns back around to face me and I look at her, thinking that she's done. But her hands come up to undo her belt on her jeans, riding the shirt up a bit to expose her stomach and when she pushes her pants down I get a glimpse of…
I look away quickly, blushing a bit. God, that's embarrassing. I try to think of something else, but the image of what I just saw had planted it's self in my head and my blush deepened.
"Why are you turning red?" Parker asks me curiously as she comes over and sits down next to me. I look at her and realize she didn't put on any shorts or anything, that basically she was sitting there in a t-shirt and nothing else.
"Do you want some bottoms?" I ask her, avoiding her question because I didn't really know the answer either.
She shakes her head, "No."
I shift a bit, getting further away from her. I don't look at her and request, "Please put on some bottoms." I don't think I'll be able to sleep with her like that, especially knowing her tendency to tangle herself up on me at night.
"We're both girls, Sophie," she says with a little laugh, like I'm being silly. And I kind of do feel silly, what is going on with me lately? Parker's making me feel stupid for just questioning all of this, and should I? I've never really had friends that were girls, maybe Parker did. Maybe this is really no big deal and I'm making some huge scene. "You can get comfortable too, I don't mind."
I'm starting to feel very hot all of a sudden and I say, "No… I'm fine." Then I crawl into bed, Parker behind me. I still want her to put on shorts or hell just something, but I don't want to nag her. Plus, I was feeling really self conscious all of a sudden like I wasn't supposed to say anything in the first place. I choose instead to just stay quiet and just try to sleep.
We were silent for a little after I turned out the light until Parker spoke. "Sometimes I think the world is upside down."
I blink and look at her, "What?"
She shrugs and bit and turns on her side to face me and replies, "Everyone's always looking up, right? Hoping or dreaming. But isn't it easier on your neck to look down? So I think the world is upside down, and the sky should be below us."
I'm silent for a minute, possibly stunned into silence. I didn't know what to say, in some weird way that made sense, but in another it was so completely random and didn't at all. I don't have a chance to answer though because Parker just smiles at me and says, "Goodnight," before rolling over.
* * * * *
I woke up to a strange feeling on my leg. I groaned a bit sleepily and shifted a bit, but it felt even weirder when I did that. I open my eyes and rub them with my free hand as I tried to become alert to the world and what's happening around me before looking down. But then I did, and I think I choked on my own breath.
Parker was tangled on top of me again, but that's not what surprised me. What surprised me was that Parker's night shirt had rode all the way up and she had one of her legs between mine, pressing something that I was extremely terrified to find out was wet against my thigh.
"Oh my god," I say instinctively, and freeze. I don't know what to do. "Oh my god, oh my god," I repeat in a whisper as I avert my eyes from her, because I could see the lower half of the back of her body quite clearly as she's on top of me. "Bollocks," I say, feeling trapped.
I didn't want to wake her up, because I think I might possibly die from embarrassment, and I might embarrass her too… if that's even possible. But at the same time I really did want to, because having her on top of me like this was making me feel… it was making me feel…
It was making me feel a little bit gay.
"Oh god," I say again out loud and put my hand over my eyes. This was not happening, this so was not happening right now. I must be dreaming or something. Which makes me fear what my subconscious might be trying to tell me if I am, but that's still easier to deal with than if this was real. And it is real. Bloody fucking hell.
And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse either, it did.
Parker shifted in her sleep, rubbing herself harder against me as she repositioned herself… and moaned. "I'm in hell," I mutter and chew on my lower lip hard. I had no idea how to get out of this, none at all. And now Parker was holding onto me tighter, and her hips kept moving in her sleep as she lets out these little sounds.
"Shit. Shit, shit, shit," I mutter and I know I'm bright red, and my breathing it getting just a little shallow from the feeling of Parker against my bare leg and her short gasps of breath against my neck. Her hands starting to move now, from resting on my stomach to sliding up my shirt, and I gasp and close my eyes from the feeling as she brushes her fingertips lightly under my breast.
"Oh god," I gasp again, half from the feeling and half from desperation for it to stop actually feeling good. I was starting to feel like a pervert, letting Parker do this in her sleep, but I didn't know how to wake her up and explain to her what was going on. I didn't even know what was really going on!
Then her hand is on my breast and I gasp hard and close my eyes, biting hard on my lower lips. Parker's shifting again, making her little sleepy moans and then her lips are on my neck. "Parker!" I exclaim, my eyes flying open, wondering how the hell she's kissing me in her sleep.
"Good morning," she mumbles against my neck, and I jump so much I tumble out of bed onto the floor below me. Wincing in pain I look up at her in shock.
She looks over the side of the bed at the sight of me disheveled on the ground and laughs and responds sleepily with a yawn, "I just woke up, why?"
I blink at her, not moving from off the ground. Did she know what she was doing? I try to say something, but just seemed to stutter. I couldn't make out a full sentence to save my life.
Parker just grinned at me and held out her hand, "Come on, get off the floor. You know it's only like seven, right? We can still sleep some more."
I just stare at her for a bit before shaking myself out of it and grabbing her hand. As she pulls me up on the bed I couldn't help but wonder if maybe I was dreaming. Seven in the morning? I shouldn't be awake right now, we didn't even get to bed until about three due to the late heist.
I climbed back into bed, choosing instead to pretend like it never happened.
* * * * *
"Oh my god, Sophie," Parker moans into my ear as her hands grab at my back, her eyes shut tightly and her mouth opened in pleasure. She's gasping hard, digging her nails into my back, but I didn't care.
My lips fall to her neck and I kiss her softly before she runs one of her hands further down my back and grabs my backside, making me moan hard into her ear. My lips find hers then and I kiss her with every ounce of passion, pressing my naked body up against hers hard like I never wanted to lose to connection.
Parker gasps hard and we break the kiss and she looks into my eyes as she rocks her hips against me and pants out, "Oh god… Please don't stop…"
I gasp hard as I sit up straight in bed, knocking Parker off of me. Parker makes a loud sound of protest and swats at me like I offended her sleeping, which I did. But I don't care; I'm staring at the wall, just trying to remember where I am. Oh my god, what the fuck was that?!
"Sophie," Parker complains sleepily as she tries to situate herself back into a comfortable position. "What the hell."
"Sorry," I gasp out automatically, not knowing what else to say. I look over her and then think I might have a freaking mental breakdown because the covers are off of her and I just saw what I wish I wasn't seeing in my dreams or real life.
"Oh god," I say and look away, getting out of bed. "I have to get out of here," I say before rushing out of the bedroom to the living room, collapsing on the couch. What the hell was going on with me? I'm not gay! I'm just not! It doesn't just come up after forty freaking two years!
I think I'm starting to slightly hyperventilate now, so I close my eyes and try to steady my breathing. Then I hear the door click behind me as Parker closes it as she comes into the room. "Sophie, are you okay?"
I open my eyes and will myself to attempt to act that way. "Yeah," I reply, though don't look at her. "I just… I had a weird dream, that's all." I run my fingers through my hair and sigh as I watch her come over to sit on the other end of the couch, looking at me concerned.
"What was it about?" she asked me…. and then I turned so red I think my head might pop off from being over heated. I don't have to answer, she just reads my face and says, "Oh, one of those dreams."
"No, I—" I start to protest, but she interrupts me.
"It's okay, Sophie. I've had sex dreams about you too before," she smiles at me and says it like it's the most natural thing in the world. I really think I'm about to break down or something, and I put my head in my hands.
"Oh god," I say in a strangled sort of whisper. I'm so mortified, I'm so fucking bloody confused. Parker's hand is now on my leg though, and she get's closer to me, making me start to breath shallow again, and I think I might have a small heart attack.
"Sophie, can you look at me for a quick second?" she asks me. I take a breath and then take my head out of my hands to look at her, but instead of saying something like I thought she was going to, she closed the distance between us and kisses me on the lips softly.
I gasp, not knowing what to do, what I'm supposed to do. I want to kiss her, I know I do, and that fucking terrifies me. I back up instead though, tearing my lips away from hers, and look at her like I can't believe she just did that.
But then I see a look cross Parker's face that I never thought I would see. She looked embarrassed, and a little upset. She looked down and mumbled, "Sorry… I just thought…" then she looks away, and her hands is off of my leg. She looks positively devastated that I rejected her when she took a chance. "Sorry," she repeats again.
It hurt me to see her upset, I realized. My heart starts to feel heavy; I start to feel guilty because I know I wanted her to do that. "Parker…" I start, and put my hand on her leg this time. She looks over at me, her lips pursed together, looking like she feels horrible about the entire thing. "I just…" but I don't know what to say. I don't know what I even want to say. So I just say, "Oh, screw it," and do something I didn't expect myself to.
I kissed her.
Parker closed her eyes and kissed me back softly, putting her hand on top of mine that was resting on top of her thigh. I didn't know what I was doing; hell I didn't really know why I was doing it. I just knew I wanted to do it, so I did. My hand curled around hers to hold it and I pulled her a little bit towards me as I lay back on the couch. She fell into me gracefully, opening her mouth a bit to let me slip my tongue in for a taste. She moaned softly against my lips and my grip on her hand tightened, feeling so many things and not knowing how to describe a single one of them.
When we broke, Parker still lay on top of me. Our faces were still only inches apart and both of our breathing was a bit labored. "What are we doing?" I ask her in a whisper, not understanding it.
"Accepting it," Parker tells me simply and kisses my neck softly. I turn my head so she can get more room and gasp softly as her tongue comes up to tease my ear. I close my eyes again and try not to focus on the fact that Parker's a woman, just focus on her, but it's hard. I know I want this, my body sure as hell does… but I'm just scared.
"Accepting what?" I ask her, turning to look at her. She stops kissing me and looks at me patiently, like I do with her so many times.
"Us. And just yourself, Sophie," she tells me, looking at me pointedly. She squeezes the hand she's holding and tells me, "This… this isn't a bad thing. It isn't wrong, okay? People can't help what they feel."
I don't look at her then, looking over at the wall before sighing a bit and licking my lips nervously before I admit: "I'm scared."
"Look at me," Parker says, and I look at her. She looks at me in all seriousness and tells me, "I'm not going to hurt you."
I can feel my bottom lip start to tremble, too many emotions conflicting inside me at once. I can't handle it and I look away again and clench my jaw to make sure I don't let out any tears. "I can't do this with you, Parker," I tell her then, a strangled sob sneaking out between my lips. I move, trying to get out from underneath her. "I'm sorry… but I just can't handle it right now."
Parker gets off of me and looks at me sadly as I wipe away a stray tear that had fallen and look back at her as I get up. "I'm just… I'm not this person," I tell her, almost in apology before going back into my own room and closing the door behind me.
* * * * *
I grew up Catholic; I was raised to think that homosexuality was wrong. I was fine with other people being gay, I still accepted everyone the way they were… but I just couldn't accept the fact that I might be one of them. And I felt so bad about it, because I knew I had hurt Parker.
I spent about an hour in my room, trying to calm down before I ventured back outside again. When I opened the door I saw my apartment door close, Parker leaving. My eyes go wide and I run to the door, opening it and calling out to her. "Parker!" She turns to look at me and I go on, "You don't have to leave…"
She smiled, but it wasn't full of joy like it usually was. It was a sad smile, and she shook her head a little at me like there was something I wasn't understanding. "Yes, I do."
"But you're apartment isn't ready for another day," I say. I didn't want her to leave; I couldn't just let her leave like this.
"I'll sleep over Hardison's," she tells me with a little shrug. "I don't think he'll mind." And then she turns again to go and I run after her, grabbing onto her arm.
"No," I tell her. "I can't have you just leave like this."
She turns and looks at me sadly and says, "Sophie, I've liked you so much for so long… I just can't pretend like you can. I'm sorry."
And then I watched her go, not knowing what else to say. As I watched her disappear around the corner I felt myself start to cry. I felt so empty all of a sudden, like she just took a piece of me with her when she left. I leaned against the wall in the hallway and wiped my tears away as I sighed heavily. There were so many things wrong with this, with this entire situation. But yet so many things were so right… and it scared me so much.
For once in my life, I wish I wasn't so phobic.
( Don't freak out - I plan to do a sequel lol )