The armed rebellion

A Watchmen satire

By Alec Wiley

A/N: This was not intended to be serious. I only wrote this for the laughs. So, the characters were meant to be OOC. If you like this kind of humor, enjoy!

Act I: The group meeting

It was 5:00pm. Rorschach woke up from his snooze and decided to take an evening stroll. He felt pissed, as always. Rorschach came into the hangout and flopped on the couch. Dan took a seat next to him, looking equally discontent.

"We need to have a group meeting," said Dan.

"Good idea," said Rorschach.

The Comedian came in and took a seat in his armchair. Dr. Manhattan and Laurie came from upstairs, and sat down on a sofa. Everyone felt mad.

"All right," said Laurie, "I'd like to have the first word. I don't know which portrayal of me I like less, the one in Alan Moore'scomics, or the one on FanFiction."

"You think you have problems?" asked Rorschach gruffly. "Alan Moore intended me to be a psychotic, repulsive bastard. I can't even think about a homosexual or drug addict without grabbing my gun and shooting one!"

"Well, which is worse?" asked Dr. Manhattan. "Popping off drug addicts or screwing Dan?"

Everyone smiled except for Rorschach and Dan. Just then, Veidt came in.

"I'd have to say popping off drug addicts," said Veidt, looking as smarmy as ever.

"Possibly homosexual," said Rorschach. "Dammit, there I go again! I can't talk like a human being!"

"Well, I'm the screwiest of you all," said Veidt. "I tried to take over the world by killing millions with a giant squid, remember? Do you think I like that?"

"I can sympathize with you," said Dr. Manhattan. "Mr. Moore turned me into a glowing blue freak of nature, and made me walk around naked, of all things! Also, I have no regard for humanity and the value of human life."

"Well, I'm a nutcase, too!" exclaimed The Comedian. "I killed the mother of my unborn child in 'Nam, and I shot J.F.K.! People just don't do that to people! I was ready to strangle Moore when he gave me half the crap he made me do!"

"Well, do you know what really bites?" asked Laurie. "I'm portrayed as the stereotypical middle-class girlfriend who'd rather give up than save the world!"

"And I'm portrayed as the stereotypical middle-class boyfriend who'd do the same thing!" said Dan.

"We're all a bunch of jokes," remarked Veidt, "Intended to parodize the concept of costumed superheroes and the stereotypes that lie within."

"Not to mention we're all walking, talking personifications of parodies of stereotypes and archetypes in American culture," remarked Dan.

"Hurm," said Rorschach. "Let's do what us vigilantes do best and demand changes by Alan Moore."

"What about the fanfic-writing fangirls?" asked The Comedian, taking a puff on his cigar.

"Let's not worry about them. They have no power over us," said Veidt. "All right, let's go to England. My treat."

"Sweet," said Laurie, "I can't wait to kick him in the balls."

"Wait," said Dr. Manhattan. "How are we going to do this? We need a plan."

"I have a plan," said The Comedian.

"Oh?" asked Veidt. "And what is it?"

"Well..." said The Comedian.

Act II: In which Alan Moore gets an unpleasant surprise

Alan Moore was reading a novel in his study when he heard breaking glass. He was about to call the police when he heard a gruff voice growl,

"Let me take a look at your little fingers for a second."

Alan Moore spun around and found himself face-to-face with Rorschach.

"I have a gun, and I'm not afraid to use it," said Mr. Moore.

"Now," said Rorschach, "I want you to give up your iron fist with us, and allow us to be ourselves. Otherwise, do you know what we're going to do?"

"What?" asked Mr. Moore, getting more scared by the minute.

"We're going to do the Macarena completely naked in front of you," said Rorschach.

Hurm, thought Rorschach. An effective means of torture, but Eddie's definitely an odd one...

The vigilantes strolled into the room.

"Iron fist, you said?" asked Alan Moore, one eyebrow raised. "Well, what do you want?"

"Our main concern is that we're all a bunch of disgusting jerks," said Dr. Manhattan. "That's because you forced those characteristics upon us. If you let us give ourselves free rein of our own characters, then we'll leave you alone. Otherwise, Macarena time."

"You do realize I could kill you at any time?" asked Mr. Moore.

"That's why Rorschach is pointing a gun at the back of your head," said Dr. Manhattan. It turned out that he was right.

"You've done well in becoming the master of stealth," said Mr. Moore.

Rorschach shot him. Everyone laughed, including Rorschach.

"Did he honestly think we were going to do the Macarena in the nude?" asked Laurie.

"Well," said Dr. Manhattan, "Now that he's dead, we can do whatever we want."

"Party!" said The Comedian.

However, just then, they collapsed, died, and vanished into thin air. Without Alan Moore's imagination, the products of his imagination naturally vanished.