Episode 2, part 1 – The Plan

Character List:

Artemis Fowl II – AF
Captain Holly Short – HS
Foaly – F
Butler – B


It had been one week since the premier of The Adventures Of Artemis Fowl, which gained an unnatural amount of views and an overnight fan club. To his intense displeasure, Atermis' family and friends hadn't forgotten about it just yet. He told himself he'd give it just one more week. Yes, one more week, and this torture would be over.


AF, HS, B are in aircraft which is crashing. Dead bird located on left wing.


"Is that –"

"I think it's –"

"Why the chicken green?" Miles asked.

It was very obviously a rubber chicken.

Artemis groaned.


AF: (Proudly) Fear not, Holly! I have a plan to save us from this cruel, cruel fate!


Artemis choked on a piece of the dinner roll he was eating while Holly spluttered at the admiring expression on the television Holly's face. Juliet groaned, insisting that they were both overreacting.


B: Amazing! I would have expected no less from you, Artemis.


"See – because of you two I don't even know the plan!" Juliet complained, throwing them both dirty looks.


HS: Don't be modest, Artemis. It's a brilliant plan. (Wistfully) If only we could carry it out...

AF: (Dramatically) Oh, but we can! I have a plan, so that plan can work!

HS: Oh, Artemis! Your genius never fails to impress me!


The watching group shot each other puzzled looks, having missed the initial plan due to a certain two people. Artemis just shrugged, insisting that this televised version of himself was as stupid as an ant who had just eaten cauliflower. Holly cast him a worried look, "What kind of simile is that?"

"A perfectly normal kind," Artemis replied.

"No, it's not," Holly persisted.

"We're missing more of it!" Juliet wailed loudly.


B: I have the lollipop sticks! (Brandishes lollipops)

AF: Splendid! How I love lollipops!


"What?!" Artemis cried, completely discarding his cool and composed demeanour and jumping up, "I hate lollipops! I despise lollipops! I abhor lollipops! I –"

He stopped short as he heard a cough from Juliet's direction. "Overreaction," she said, not so discreet this time. Artemis huffed, and was just about to retort back at her before Holly complained that he was blocking her view.


There is a stack of lollipop sticks in the corner.

HS: Good job, everyone! Now we've got fifty lollipop sticks!

AF: Awesome! Now we –


"What ridiculous jargon is this? 'Awesome'?!"


AF: … all of them together and tie them to my waist.

HS: Oh, good show, Artemis!

B: (Beams proudly)

HS: This way we're sure to stop the plane from crashing!

Scene shows plane spiralling down at an impossibly slow rate.



Everyone was silent for a second or two, until they all burst into laughter simultaneously. Except for Artemis of course, who was not amused. "What nonsense. A string of lollipop –" he said the word as if it were a particularly bad piece of quiche, "sticks won't keep a grown boy from falling off the wing of a plane. And they didn't even consider the difference in pressure! The plane is falling, for Pete's sake! Any small hole in the exterior would result in even more chaos!"

The small group had grown silent during his little speech, but burst into laughter again once he finished. He 'hmpf'ed them all and sank back into the couch. Holly, who seemed to be sharing a love-hate relationship with the show, stopped suddenly and thought. "How did they end up with fifty lollipop sticks?" she mused.

"They ate them, of course," Artemis Senior said with a hearty chuckle.

"And is it just me, or did the commercial come on really quick?"

Everyone stopped for a moment, trying to recall. "Nope," Juliet answered, "Remember the previous episode? The first part was like, five minutes, and the second was the rest."

Artemis was muttering sulkily and walking away, and no one could really hear what he was saying. "… such incompetence… would never eat… sue them, for sure… horrible director… I hate lollipops…"

Little did they know that the minute he reached the safety of the bathroom, he whipped out his phone and keyed into the address bar, ''.

'The #1 Fan Source for the hit show, The Adventures Of Artemis Fowl!' a bright banner declared. His face was set in a grim line as he wrote a complaint about the lack of funds. A rubber chicken! Really! It just wouldn't do.

an; As usual, apologies for the ungodly amount of time I took to edit this.