AN: One-shot. Doesn't have a plot. Draco's POV, thinking, reflecting, writing in a journal or something. I think he must have changed quite a bit after Deathly Hallows, hence why I think he might write something like this. The Draco we knew wouldn't go talking about miracles and blessings, but this isn't talking . . . Just thinking! Draco putting quill to parchment for no-one's gain but his own.
Also, I wanted to try out first-person for a change, since my other fics have been in third-person. Speaking of which, I'll be updating Three Cheers To Fatherhood later today.
Disclaimer: Don't own it. Please don't sue
With no pretences, I write this lament, my requiem for thoughts.
This succession of words that cannot hold a candle to the vast world in my head.
These words that are my only tools with which I may attempt to express that which runs through my head (without permission, I might add). I did not consent to allow these rampant thoughts to be processed in the mill that is my mind. . . Yet here they are in black and white, evidence of the impermissible notions that occur in this fragile, feeble factory. Mind, you are an incompetent leader. The lack of discipline here is astounding.
What an interesting concept. How is it that I can be so irresponsible in my life and still expect to be taken seriously? I look at myself in the mirror and wonder why it is that I happen to be the person I am. Not with disdain, not with pride, not with disappointment nor complaint, I simply wonder how I am the person thinking these thoughts. Who else in this world has thought the same way as I do? Will I ever know any of the enigmas that surround me in this life I live?
Out of all of the billions of people alive at this moment, witches, wizards, Muggles alike, I am the one here, standing where I stand, doing what I do, thinking what I think. In a twisted way it makes me feel honoured. And belittled. I can change a person's life and yet. . . I am so insignificant in this world. Of all the influence I have on the universe, why does nothing amount to anything? How can single decisions affect entire lives? Such a contradiction is this concept.
Everybody wants to amount to something. But then, what is something? Is it recognition by my magical comrades? For complete strangers to comment on the person that I am or the things that I do? Why do I ask to be judged this way? With their scrutinizing eyes, their gazes see right through me. I don't want your opinion. I am free to give mine but who listens, really? Does anyone take note of or understand my point?
Once again I look in the mirror and stand in awe at the creation that stands reflected. I have "amounted to nothing". I am a miracle in myself and I am prone to wondering if I disappoint the powers that be by not using my gifts for some purpose. Surely there is a purpose for the magical talents we have been blessed (or cursed) with? Yet these talents are raw materials that need to be fine-tuned into skill. But any wizard can cast a spell. Not every wizard can feel the magic in their veins more real to them than the blood that flows therein.
I wander off the path that I began walking on. How can I ask for guidance and still find my own way? I have wandered the beaten path, the trail of thought I began with is lost in the distance over my shoulder. I apologize. . . I am left to wonder to whom I offer myself. If I live not for myself, am I selfless? Altruistic? But I live for the magic I make, music I hear, the words that I read, the art that I admire, and the people I encounter and grow to love or loathe. How can I feel apathy in a world so vibrant with colour that swims before me? Every sense is the greatest miracle, and to be blessed with each of the senses is to be the bearer of miracles.
I know you can see the difference between the person I am and the person I'm trying to be. Please accept me. Love me. Hear me and understand me, relate to me and don't ever judge the things I think and sometimes deign to say. Desultory words have no weight in a world filled with this, but I've said what I've thought and there is no more to say on the matter. Who knows what to think?
AN: Thanks for reading! Please excuse errors as this is unbetaed, which doesn't really matter since it's just a one-shot. I'd really appreciate reviews. (^^,)