EPISODE 1: TRAFFIC
Too lazy to elaborate on the vehicles
"This is simply not acceptable!" Wesker mumbled. "I do not deserve to be stuck in traffic. I am a respected member of the community!" He honked the horn of his jet black sportscar twice. "Move your insignificant automobile from my path!" Wesker shouted out his window.
The driver of the vehicle to his right rolled down his window. "What's the matter, Sunglasses, is an everyday traffic jam too much for your godly mind to handle?"
Wesker looked over, and saw Jack Krauser sitting in a military style jeep. Krauser realised who he had to just insulted, and tried to hide out of site, dodging a bullet fired by Wesker.
"Another comment like that, Mr. Krauser, and next time, I will demonstrate the armor-piercing capabilities of my custom Samurai Edge, and subsequently put you in traction" Wesker said, although his voice was calm.
"Sorry boss" came the shout from the jeep.
Wesker and Krauser looked back to see Billy Coen driving a golf caddy.
Krauser started laughing, and then ducked down to avoid a bullet from Coen's .44 Magnum.
"Is there something amusing about my car, Scarface?" Billy yelled.
"No, sorry, sorry..." Krauser mumbled back.
Wesker looked at the soldier with this disdain.
"As much as I value your services, Krauser, I must defer to Mr. Coen's judgement" Wesker said snappily.
"Hey, how the hell you know my name, Agent Smith?" Billy shouted.
"Because he keeps secret dossier's on everyone in the entire series so he effectively decide the best way to execute their execution" Called a voice behind Wesker, to Billy's left.
Chris Redfield was sitting in a normal blue car, with Jill Valentine next to him.
"Great, not only am I stuck in absolultely pointless traffic, My greatest rival is in the car behind me! Wonderful!" Wesker pouted.
"How do you know about those secret files if they're secret then, Hero?" Billy asked.
"Because we can see them in his trunk" Jill said.
Wesker turned around and fired two bullets out the back of his car, breaking the window. Chris and Jill ducked, and Chris fired a bullet from his pistol at Krauser, who also ducked.
"What's everybody got against me!" Krauser cried.
"So, what's with the caddy, Coen?" Jill asked the tattooed man.
"The execution party carrying me to my execution crashed the truck, so I escaped. Trouble is, we crashed in a golf course..." Billy looked slightly sheepish.
"What is with the repetition of execution!" cried a voice from Wesker's left. Everyone turned to see Ada Wong in a red Jaguar.
"And now the bitch who double-crossed me in the 4th game is on my left! Marvelous! Could this day get any better!" Wesker complained. Someone approached him from the right. Wesker turned.
"Clean your windows, Stranger?" The Merchant asked, opening his coat and showing off a wide range of cleaning utinsils.
Wesker's mouth hung open.
"Nice teeth, Stranger, I'll buy them at a high price" The Merchant said gleefully.
"I'm sorry, I' don't feel I want to be involved in this piece of crap fan-fiction story anymore" Wesker got out of his car, and pushed the Merchant out of the way.
"And these jokes are absolutly absurd in the fact that they are not even funny" Wesker got on top of his car and looked into the sky.
"Honestly, is there anything you can do properly" He questioned, mockingly.
Suddenly, the traffic in front suddenly drove off, leaving the road clear. Ada, Krauser and Billy drove off eagerly, whilst Chris honked the car horn repetatively.
Wesker looked around. The cars that had gone were already replaced by others, whilst his lane was completley clear, apart from the black land-rover in front of his car, which had an upside-down red L stuck to the back.
"Do I really want to know?" Wesker questioned, and was knocked down by HUNK, who was hanging on for grim life to a rope connected to a helicopter, piloted by Kirk Mathison. Wesker looked up, and saw three helicopters in a line.
Kirk leaned out of the helicopter with a megaphone in his hand.
"Come on, you airhog! Move it!" He exclaimed.
The helicopter in front did a 180 turn somehow and turned to face Kirk's 'copter. Brad Vickers leaned out the copter, with his own megaphone, shat himself, and disappeared into the 'copter. Leon S. Kennedy then leaned out with the megaphone.
"He says ARGH! YOU TELL HIM! YOU TELL HIM!"
"KENNEDY!" Wesker screamed, and fired at the helicopter. Leon avoided the bullet, and instantly pulled a sniper rifle out and fired it into the distance.
A distance away, at a McDonalds, whilst Krauser was ordering a Number 7 with cheese, his server was struck by a bullet to the shoulder. Krauser stuck his head out of the window.
"Leave me alone!" He cried, and then drove off quickly, scared of anymore bullets.
Meanwhile, in the helicopter behind Kirk, Steve Burnside leaned out of the helicopter with a megaphone.
"Can't we all just get along?" He said. His voice amplified subsequently caused every window within a mile to spontaneously explode.
"Shut up!" everyone screamed in unison. Wesker shot the megaphone out of Steve's hand. Steve withdrew from sight, and then piloted his helicopter to fly over Kirk's and Leon's, and flew away.
"Now why didn't I do that?" Kirk asked himself. He piloted his 'copter upwards. HUNK kicked Wesker in the face, although failing to knock Wesker's shades off. Wesker raised his pistol to fire, but HUNK had his TMP pointing at his face.
"I wouldn't mate, I got a more popular fan-base than you, Wesky boy" HUNK said, in a distinctive Aussie accent, and then dissapeard as Kirk flew away, almost chopping HUNK's foot off by flying to close to Leon's 'copter.
"Wesker, just look at the car in front already, dammit! I'm bored of sitting here!" Chris exclaimed.
Wesker looked enraged "Alright! Fine!" he screamed "Anything to get out of this pathetic excuse for a fanfic!" Wesker approached the car, and tapped on the window. The driver rolled down their window.
"STARS?" Nemesis said, questioningly. There were three beautiful women in the car with it, all of whom do not have names because they weren't in the games.
Wesker looked completley and utterly shocked. He then snapped out of his trance.
"You know what? I don't care! Get me out of this goddam story imediatley!" Wesker cried. He looked back and saw that everyone was reversing rapidly.
"Oh hurrah! Now maybe I can pull into another lane?" Wesker mocked.
Wesker was run over by a semi-truck. Inside the truck, Salazar turned to Mendez.
"Did we hit anything? I can't see!" Salazar questioned. He was standing up, his arms stretched above his head to reach the steering wheel.
Mendez turned to him and said "Amigo, You just hit the really big cheese..."
Meanwhile, Nemesis got out of his car and lifted the unconcious Wesker up with one hand.
"STARS?" He asked himself. The Merchant approached him.
"Stranger, Stranger! Now thats a weapon!" The Merchant complemented.
"STARS!" Nemesis cried in joy.
Traffic had resumed a normal flow, apart from a que behind Nemesis' car, behind which was Chris and Jill.
"I told you to pull into a different lane..." Jill muttered.
Claire Redfield drove past on her motorbike, completley oblivious to what had happened.
Please R&R, though don't tell me its not funny, I already know that :( If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to mention them. If i like them, I will credit you in the next installment.
I don't own RE