=== Chapter 4: Gabby Jay ===

Hey, are you here to interview me? Wow, that's great! No one's ever wanted to interview me before. Back in high school, I was the head of the school newspaper, so I did all the interviewing myself. But did anyone want to interview me? Nope, they didn't. I was all alone, no real friends other than the staff at the newspaper. I guess they counted as friends, but they were all kinda jerks. Most of them were jocks who chose to work there because they had to take some kind of extracurricular activity and guess what? The newspaper was the easiest. I think they had fantasies about being paparazzi, though they weren't very good at it. They kept getting caught. Hey, do you like video games? Are you from G4? I like G4, although I wish they'd show more gaming stuff rather than movies and dumb content. Super Mario Brothers was SOOOO underrated. Granted, I know that a lot of people hated it, and it's supposed to be Princess Peach instead of Daisy, but they can't complain too much, right? I mean, they had Daisy be Luigi's girlfriend, and Daisy and Luigi are a couple in the normal canon, right? And I really think they made too much of Bowser being human in this one. I mean, it's a live action movie, they can only do so much with CGI, right? I didn't like the fact that the Goombas were lizard-people, though, or that the Koopa Troopas didn't have shells. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't really tell the difference between the Goombas and the Koopa Troopas. Or maybe they were all Goombas and he just called them the Koopa Troop. Whatever, I still liked the movie. I love video game movies. Raul Julia was SOOO awesome in Street Fighter. Some people say he was kinda hammy, but so's Bison in the real games. And they griped about Jean Claude Van Damme being Guile, making fun of his accent, but they obviously haven't played the games. SONIKKU BOOMU! Heh. People can be so stupid. They just don't know what's good. Like Catwoman, right? So what if it wasn't about Selina Kyle, it was a good movie! Take it on its own merits, people! And Halle Berry is sexy no matter what movie she's in! That one line before she zapped Toad in X-Men? Pure awesome. Heh. Hey, speaking of comics, what'd ya think of the way Marvel's going now, right? I think it's pretty cool. Yeah, One More Day was a joke, and killing off Wasp sucked, but Norman Osborn in command! Ultimate evil alliance! WHOO! So cool. So awesome. Sometimes I wish I were evil. I'm just too nice a guy, I guess. That isn't to say the heroes aren't cool. Like Spider-Man. He's cool. He gets all the girls. I don't know why he complains about 'Parker Luck' all the time. All those boobies in his face, he's gotta get action sometime. No way he doesn't. If he doesn't, then there's no justice in the world. He's gotta be gettin' some on all different sides. Silver Sable, Mary-Jane, Black Cat, Gwen Stacy, all those other super-chicks… He's the Spider-Pimp, baby! Ain't nobody cooler than Spider-Man. Except maybe Batman. One of the best ways to judge a good guy is by how cool his bad guys are, and Batman's got some of the coolest. Joker, Penguin, Two-Face, that luscious hotty Catwoman, the gorgeous Poison Ivy, Mister Freeze, the Riddler… All totally awesome. The best. And even without them Batman's cool. He's got gadgets, he's rich, he gets the girls without even trying… I mean, even WONDER WOMAN, the ultimate hotty of the DC Universe, wanted to jump his bones. I mean, that's not fair! How come all the hot girls want to get in bed and do the horizontal hotstep with him! I mean, I know I'm old, but dangit, I'm not that old! I'm buff, I'm hot, I'm…


Why'd you hit me?

…Little who?

Little dude that beat me?

…I'm sorry, you're gonna have to be more specific. At this point all the faces of the people who've beaten me up sorta blur together. Y'know, funny story about that. My uncle, he had bad vision. Heck, he was darn near blind. But he drove his whole life, never got a ticket. Always insisted on driving. Gave Mom heart attacks it did. Well, almost at least. I've only read a few cases where bad driving has ended up in a heart attack. Oooh! Speaking of bad driving…

*interview ends, as the interviewer has snapped completely from listening to Gabby Jay's inane, endless chatter and gone completely nuts, pounding Gabby Jay into the floor*