Author's Note: No, you took a year and a half to finish the first draft of a novel.

Season Two, Episode Sixteen: A Private Little War

McCoy is on a planet with a rock and a plant. He's got some vials full of colorful powder with him, probably not from the plant. His communicator beeps and Kirk asks him how much longer he's gonna play before coming inside and having some milk. He starts going on about remarkable organic compounds and oh Kirk is on the planet too thanks for letting us know Star Trek 10/10 establishing character locations.

Kirk hasn't seen anything, hangs up with Scotty and walks over to Spock because apparently he's here too. Soon the camera will keep panning to slowly reveal the rest of the crew in various states of scientific rapture.

Spock is tracking whatever lives there, ape like carnivores or something. Kirk calls it a Mugato and says not to worry, the tracks are a few days old. But other than large, flesh eating predators this place is an eden, or was to Kirk during his first land expedition.

Spock: "Class M in all respects. Quite Earth like."

(((Nuh uh get back.)))

Kirk: "Except these people stayed in their Garden of Eden. Bow and arrows for hunting, but absolutely no fighting among themselves."

(((Can't really fight amongst themselves while Mugatos are munching on their insides.)))

Kirk: "Remarkably peaceful and tranquil."

Some Dude Off Screen: "Ho, take cover here!"

Kirk and Spock run over to find three dudes with rifles hiding behind a large rock and keeping an eye on something.

Spock: "Bows and arrows, captain?"

(((In addition to flintlock rifles, yes, Spock. God.)))

Kirk: "Villagers with flintlocks, that's impossible. They hadn't progressed nearly that far."

(((You're right, Kirk, those are just really long blow dart guns.)))

Spock: "Captain, look."

He points, and the camera pans to slowly reveal the rest of the crew in various states of scientific rapture.

Actually, it's a few other dudes off in the distance who borrowed their wigs from the tribe running around in The Apple.

(((Wait, wasn't that tribe also on an Eden-like planet?

Nirvana is a $2 wig.

Tell your friends.)))

The Wig Boys are not only ill-equipped with basic spears, but they're also walking right into the flintlock ambush. Kirk recognizes one of the Wigs as Tyree, the friend he lived with on his first expedition back in the day.

(((Fanfiction alert: A young James Kirk, fresh, eager, and studious for his first expedition on a strange planet, winds up learning more about an able native than he ever thought possible.)))

Kirk whips out his phaser and Spock reminds him that, you know, phasers are a little forbidden on a planet not advanced enough for flintlock rifles. Kirk holsters his weapon. He throws a rock at the ambushers instead, scaring one in premature firing and alerting The Wig Boys.

Everybody runs. The ambushers are after Kirk and Spock, Kirk and Spock are after Not Death, and The Wig Boys are running off to get ready for their next scene.

McCoy hears gunfire and leaves his plant and rock to put the transporter room on standby.

(((Did you forget about McCoy? I forgot about McCoy.)))

(((But the man hears gunfire and stays perfectly calm, because he is a trained badass medical official thank you.)))

Kirk and Spock come running to join him only FUCK, Spock gets shot in the back and takes a not at all hilarious spill to the ground. Kirk runs back and turns Spock over so he can hold him in his arms.

Kirk: "Spock…"

(((Four and a half years later and I still get the 'teeheehee' giggles over shit like this.)))

Spock's phaser has fallen to the side, so Kirk shimmies over and grabs it to blow the ambushers away.

Spock: "No, captain, I can travel."

(((It's but a flesh wound, sir.)))

Kirk picks him up and practically carries him to McCoy. They beam up just in the nick of time.

(((The transporter room = the cavalry.)))

The ambushers (wearing their own classy brown wigs) run over and wonder where the weirdly dressed, fondling couple went.


(((This episode was brought to you by director Marc Daniels and written by Gene Roddenberry. My gleeful chuckle is a contributor to the Make A Wish Foundation.)))

On the enterprise, they pile Spock onto a stretcher and give him a hypo of Whatever, We're Doctors. Chapel sprays the almighty Sparkly Bandage with what looks like tea. McCoy reminds us that a Vulcan's heart is where a human liver is, which is great or else Spock would be dead. Kirk bites his lip with concern.

Kirk: "Bones, can you save him?"

Can't get an answer, the red alert goes off. Kirk checks in with bridge and finds out there's a Klingon vessel in range. He heads for the door with Scotty in tow, then turns at the last second. Close up. Worrying.

Kirk: "Bones…?"

McCoy: "I don't know yet, Jim."

Kirk doesn't like that answer, but duty calls.

(((Every single episode could be one or the other in mortal danger with the healthy one worried sick and I would clutch my chest every. single. time.)))

(((And it almost is every episode let's be real.)))

(((And poor Spock, man. Last episode he was torn between serving the Enterprise and saving his father, and getting slapped by his mother. Now he's suffered an almost fatal shooting. Like, can we just give him a cookie and kitten? Maybe some Vulcan cocoa?)))

Kirk gets to the bridge and, since the Klingons don't even know they're there, takes the ship down to yellow alert. The consensus is they're gonna stay hidden for as long as they can. Kirk sits down and opens a comm link.

Kirk: "Kirk to sickbay."

McCoy: "McCoy here. I'll call you as soon as I know anything. Sickbay out."

Despondent, Kirk hangs up.

(((What took him so long to check on Spock? He waited at least two whole seconds while settling immediate business during a red alert to see if Spock was gonna be okay. What a jerk.)))

(((That 'teeheehee' you heard definitely did not come from me.)))

Kirk gets back to work, debating on whether or not the Klingons have broken the treaty. He says yes, but Scotty says not necessarily as they have as much right to scientific exploration in this region as Starfleet does.

(((Kirk's automatic hatred and prejudice towards Klingons is one of the most interesting things about him. A man so open and accepting, his tempered optimism towards life in all forms is thrown out the window when Klingons are involved. The soldier in him takes over. This is mostly smart, Klingons are ruthless war mongers after all, but I love, love, LOVE, how Kirk's predisposition bites him in the ass in the sixth movie and sees him grow past it after all those years, right at the end. That storyline is, ultimately, about acceptance and shows a lead character overcoming a major, off putting flaw.

I have feelings about Kirk okay you knew what this was.)))

Kirk is pretty certain that it's the Klingons who gave flintlocks to the ambushers. But hey, Scotty points out that flintlocks would also be the first major breakthrough at this point in the planet's development, so the evidence is still technically inconclusive.

Everybody from Chekov to Uhura chimes in to offer arguments that it may not be Klingon interference. They throw out idea after idea.

Kirk: "I did not invite a debate."

Everybody shuts up.

Cue heartfelt music.

Kirk folds his hands behind his back.

Kirk: "I'm sorry. I'm worried about Spock, I'm concerned about what's happened to someone I once knew down there. You have the con, Scotty, I'll be in sickbay."

(((I'm not just worried about Spock I'm also worried about Tyree and you can tell because I checked on Tyree the second I got to the bridge and I'm gonna go check on him now despite Klingons possibly arming guys who are practically cavemen.


In sickbay, Chapel, McCoy, and a Random Doctor are standing around a unconscious Spock.

Random Doctor: "There's no replacement for the damaged organ, sir. If he's going to live, his Vulcan physiology will have to do it for him."

(((Oh then he'll be fine. Spock's Vulcan physiology has saved more lives than Starfleet.)))

McCoy agrees, then crosses the room and the camera pans over to a grim Kirk.

(((At this point, I don't think the camera knows how to establish character presence in any other less startling way.)))

McCoy: "He'll live or die now, Jim. I don't know which."

Kirk says nothing, stares at Spock.

(((Typing that sentence and having it be 100% legit canon is the greatest thing on this planet hallelujah amen.)))

Kirk keeps staring hard as the Random Doctor checks on Spock.

McCoy: "Dr. Mabinga interned in a Vulcan ward. He couldn't be in better hands."

Kirk smiles a little with a mixture of relief and Awww My BFF Read My Mind.

(((Ohhhhh, so he was actually giving a death glare to the unknown doctor because he didn't know the guy's qualifications, and you can be damn fucking sure Kirk cares about who tends to Spock. Ugh, my heart.)))

Kirk says they're beaming down to the planet. Now that he knows Spock is in safe hands, he needs McCoy's input on the Klingons (though McCoy is reluctant to leave while Spock is in such dire straits).

McCoy: "And if that's not it?"

Kirk: "Then I need help. Advice I can trust just as much as Spock's."

McCoy: "I appreciate the compliment Jim, but-"

(((I would like to take the time and point out how McCoy considers it a compliment to have his level of trustworthiness compared to Spock's. It implies that Spock is indeed Kirk's absolute and number one go to guy for professional opinions, advice, and what have you.

We as the audience can already guess that Kirk holds McCoy's opinion on pretty much the same level as Spock's, but apparently McCoy himself sees that he's number two on that list.

In my opinion, McCoy is so close to number one that he may as well be tied. It's interesting to see that McCoy had himself a touch lower.)))

Kirk: "Bones, I'm as worried about Spock as you are,"

(((Please, Kirk, if the Klingons weren't around and Spock's bed were big enough you would take a leave of absence and cuddle him back to health and you know it don't even try.)))

(((Not that McCoy doesn't care, obviously. He and Spock are bros even though they'd sooner die than admit it.)))

Kirk: "but if the Klingons are breaking the treaty…it could be interstellar war."

Kirk contacts Scotty and tells him he and McCoy are gonna beam down. Scotty says they won't be able to communicate should the Enterprise have to move out of orbit in order to stay hidden from the Klingons, having to rely on a predetermined rendezvous point instead.

Captain's Log catches up everyone just tuning in, and includes Kirk's decision to disregard orders and directly contact the population down on the planet.

(((And what else was he gonna do, really. He needs to investigate a possible breach of treaty that could incite war, and f he has to play native to do it then okay.)))

Kirk and McCoy beam down. They start heading to Tyree's camp but stop in front of the camera to have a chat. Kirk clarifies his reasoning for breaking the no contact order, McCoy lays in some exposition on how the people are actually pretty superior to Earth humans and, if left alone, can achieve hella awesome technology in the future.

(((And also, McCoy says he's read Kirk's report from the expedition thirteen years ago and they have a BFF moment and I die.)))


(((To be honest, I'm surprised they didn't pan to reveal him.)))

The Rhinoyeti, which is really the aforementioned Mugato but Rhinoyeti sounds so much better, manages to claw or bite Kirk's chest before McCoy phasers it into oblivion.

(((If you're not jealous of the Rhinoyeti you're lying.)))

Kirk is shaking and trembling all over the place.

(((By the way, Shatner's trembling is eerily convincing.)))

Ship's out of orbit, no contact. Kirk manages to get out that Tyree's men have a cure and oh look there they are, staring. McCoy goes over to one of them.

McCoy: "Are you hill people?"

No answer dude just keeps staring at Kirk.

McCoy: "Do you know a hunter named Tyree?"

More staring.

(((Sooner would be better, man, Kirk is kind of bleeding, poisoned, and shaking like a leaf.)))

McCoy: "A Mugato attacked him. He's James Kirk, he's a friend of Tyree's."

No answer.


McCoy: "Blast it, DO SOMETHING! HE'S DYING!"


Nobody does anything and we go to commercial. So that's fun.

The Wigs carry him into a cave in small tent village. They lay him down and cover him with a big fur blanket. McCoy's voice over says Tyree is the leader of his camp and on his way back with his wife, who should know the cure. McCoy's got to keep Kirk warm and alive until then.

McCoy: "You and your Garden of Eden…"

(((I'll take doctor snark for $500, Alex.)))

Meanwhile, somewhere that is not the cave, a couple of Brown Wigs walk across the screen. A White Wig guy comes out from behind a tree with a chick who's wearing what can only be described as black leather disco pants and short vest made of muppet fur. Her hair is long and black, and her skin is tanned almost to the point of ridiculousness. She looks absolutely nothing like any other inhabitant we've seen.

(((Nice midriff though. Oof.)))

Lady: "We must obtain the same fire sticks, husband."

(((THAT'S Tyree and his wife? Uh. Okay.)))

Tyree's Wife: "You could be killing them instead. We could take their houses, their goods-"

(((Anyone else getting a serious Lady Macbeth vibe?)))

Tyree: "Nona, enough. In time the villagers will return to their ways of friendship."

(((Yup, Macbeth.)))

Nona is like uh, NO, let's kill them. She's apparently a Kanutu woman, which is apparently rare, as is her flawless liquid eyeliner. Kanutu women are known for inspiring great leaders in their men, that's why they're sought out.

Tyree: "I took you because you cast a spell upon me."

(((What follows is the most awkward We Feel Sexual About Each Other grinning I have ever seen. Hold my sides.)))

Nona: "And I have spells to keep you. Remember this leaf?"

(((Duh, I remember all fauna. God.)))

Cue crazy/mysterious music complete with tambourine. Tyree takes part of the plant and smells it in a heavenly fashion.

Nona: "The night we camped by the water?"

(((Stop being sexy please I'd like to watch without my sweater over my burning eyes.)))

Tyree: "The night of madness."

(((Is it possible to physically escape a scene in a tv show?)))

She effing scrapes the plant down his arm.


He grabs her to him, buries his face in her neck.

((Oh god abort.)))

Tyree: "You know…you know the blood of evil beasts from my soul."

(((Please abort.)))

Nona: "Only one lovely beast, Tyree. My huge, angry man."

They face smash.


A random Blonde Wig interrupts.


He tells them about Kirk wounded back at the camp. Nona is intrigued and tells the Blonde Wig to bring Tyree to the camp once his head clears. She takes off on her own.

(((Plant = sex drug, in case you were too busy to laughing to realize.)))

(((Fanfiction alert: Left with a horny Tyree, a simple Blonde Wig is tasked with satisfying his leader's lust in order to get him back to the camp in a timely fashion.)))

Meanwhile, back in the cave: Kirk is shivering so hard that McCoy takes the chance and heats nearby stones for warmth. Nona walks in right as this happens and leaves without being seen.

Tyree arrives heading straight for the cave.

Nola: "Tyree, you wish me to save him?"

Tyree: "You must. He is the one I told you of, the friend of my younger days."

(((::cough:: first time fic ::cough:: )))

Nola: "My remedies require that I know what kind of man he is. All that is known of him."

Tyree: "I gave him my promise of silence. He was made my brother."

(((::COUGH:: FIRST. TIME. FIC. ::COUGH:: )))

Nola basically manipulates Tyree into telling her everything about Kirk.

Back on the Enterprise, Spock is unconscious and Chapel is holding his hands. She quickly puts it down when Dr. Mabinga enters.

(((Still with the crush. I just. Poor girl.)))

Mabinga explains how Vulcans go into a self-induced hypnosis to concentrate everything they have on repairing serious internal damage. This means Spock is conscious, kind of. In a way.

Mabinga: "He knows we're here, what we're saying, but he can't afford to take his mind from the tissue he's fighting to heal. I suppose he even knows you were holding his hand."

(((Poor. girl.)))

In the cave, Tyree and Nona arrive to heal Kirk (presumably after Tyree spilled his guts about Starfleet). She takes out a Mako root, which is alive and hilarious, has her palm sliced open, and proceeds to do a long, writhing ritual I can't even begin to describe without crying from hysterics. She does this for a minute and a half before climaxing.

McCoy takes the root off Kirk to find no wound on his chest. There's no wound on Nona's hand either. McCoy is understandably curious.

McCoy: "I would like to learn more about this."

Nona: "Our blood has passed through the mako root together. Our souls have been together. He is mine now."

(((Could you have mentioned this, I dunno, BEFORE squirming your way to ecstasy to a plodding drum beat?)))

Nona has to rest because visual metaphors for sex are exhausting.

McCoy: "He is hers?"

Tyree: "When a man and woman are joined in this manner, he can refuse her no wish…...but it is only legend."

(((That makes us feel a lot better, thanks, Tyree.)))

McCoy wakes up later to find a woozy Kirk sitting by a sleeping Nona. Tyree wakes up and Kirk finally lays eyes on him. Smiles. Happiness.

Kirk: "Tyree, my old friend."

Tyree grabs Kirk's shoulders.

Tyree: "Yes, James! James, it is good to see you."

(((It's writing itself at this point.)))

Kirk starts explaining Kanutu women and is visibly distracted when Nona steps into his view. Cue all the typical Hubba Hubba faces.

(((Faces that aren't even his own. He's under this chick's thumb in every way. We've seen her with Tyree, Kirk is no different. Actually, it's even worse given the mako root nonsense. Kirk is decidedly Under the Influence. That much has been made readily apparent.)))

Kirk and Tyree go off to sort out this whole arms race. Tyree keeps Nona out of the discussion.

In sickbay, M'benga tells Chapel to do whatever Spock says if he starts to wake up.

In the cave, Kirk, McCoy, and Tyree discuss the flintlocks. Nona invites herself to the party and indirectly brings up phasers, spilling the beans on how Tyree's confessed everything about Starfleet. She demands to be educated. Kirk and McCoy aren't exactly chomping at the bit to oblige, of course.

Kirk diplomatically tells her no, you have to advance in your own time. No cheating. This pisses her off and she storms out. Tyree is a little more hopeful and leaves to get started, Kirk and McCoy hang back to express general concern.

The three of them go sneaky sneaky into Brown Wig territory. Kirk chokes one out and Tyree nabs the guy's flintlock.

Suddenly klingon.

He instructs a couple of Brown Wigs on improving the rifle as Kirk and McCoy find the room they forge flintlocks in. They investigate, not everything they find could have been made here, confirming Klingon presence.

The Klingon and a Brown Wig come in, prompting Kirk and McCoy to duck for cover. After the Klingon promises the guy the world, our boys try to make a break for it and fail. Captured!

But then not captured!

They push the guards away and make a run for it.

Back in sickbay, Spock is starting to come around and urgently demands that Chapel hit him. Slap him. Smack him.

(((And lo the kinky people in the audience giggled forever.)))

M'benga comes and takes over, slapping Spock into consciousness.

On the planet, Kirk is teaching White Wigs how to shoot the stolen flintlock. McCoy takes him into the cave to yell about what they're doing. To him, two wrongs don't make a right. To Kirk, he's leveling the playing field. McCoy brings up Kirk being Nona's bitch, which Kirk dismisses as superstition. They argue until Kirk snaps and screams at him.

(((It's probably the loudest Kirk has ever yelled at McCoy.)))

Kirk calms down and continues to argue a balance of power as the best and only solution that preserves both sides.

But Tyree is refusing to right, meaning he'll be the first to die. Kirk says he'll talk to Nona and get her to convince Tyree otherwise. What could possibly go wrong?

Kirk goes looking for Nona and finds her dressing after a bath.

Kirk: "Pardon me."

Nona: "You are here because I wished you here."

Nona: "Yes, they always believe they come of free will. Tyree even thought the same when I cast my first spell on him."

(((Once again: Kirk is being 100% controlled in regards to Nona. Nobody is saying he's not attracted to women, but fuck if this counts as a time when he was.)))

She shoves the Sex Plant in his face until he's forgotten why he found her in the first place.

(((He is Under so much Influence I can't even tell you.)))

Tyree happens upon them with the rifle, gets ready to fire when Kirk is compelled to smash faces with her.

(((Jealousy from Tyree, but fan fiction decides who he's jealous of.)))

Tyree doesn't shoot, instead throws down the flintlock and runs away but ATTACK OF THE RHINOYETI.

It goes after Nona. Kirk is too busy trying to recover from doing something heterosexual to intervene right away, and when he does he's tossed aside like a rag doll. He resorts to his phaser, drops to the ground, and Nona knocks him out to get her hands on it and flees.

(((Hands on the phaser, not Kirk.)))

Tyree brings McCoy back to the flintlock, who sees Kirk and goes to his aid.

Meanwhile, Nona comes across a herd of Brown Wigs and offers her superior firepower to their leader.

(((Backstabbing muppet wearer ::grumble:: )))

Buuuuuuut the Brown Wigs attack her instead, ignoring the weapon and going after her, If you know what I mean. Kirk and company follow her screaming, but when the Brown Wigs see the newcomers they think it's a trap and stab her to death. Kirk etc. proceed to beat the shit out of the Brown Wigs and it is satisfying.

Kirk stops Tyree from actually killing a Brown Wig, and Tyree runs to Nona's side. He demands more flintlocks from Kirk.

McCoy finds the phaser and gives it back to the captain. Kirk knew how he handled the situation was what needed to be done, though he's more grim about it than he used to be.

(((He literally watched a friend turn from peaceful to bloodthirsty. That is not pretty. At all.)))

(((The theme of the episode seems to be 'war is regrettable, but inevitable,' but given Kirk's regretful reaction to turning Tyree into a killer, the emphasis land more on the 'war is regrettable' aspect, and how good men are turned into murderers. Not surprising, coming from Roddenberry.)))

He takes out a communicator and contact the Enterprise.

Kirk: "Kirk here."

Spock: "Spock, captain. I trust all has gone well."

McCoy: "Spock, are you alive?"

Spock: "An illogical question, doctor, since obviously you are hearing my voice."

McCoy: "Well, I don't know why I was worried. You can't kill a computer."

(((Kirk reacts to hearing Spock's voice, though his relief would be a bit more visible if he wasn't still caught up in what he'd just done to Tyree. Normally, the typical Spock + McCoy sniping would have him amused, but he's still serious, still working.)))

Kirk: "Spock, ask Scotty how long it would take him to reproduce a hundred flintlocks."

Scotty: "I didn't get that exactly, captain. A hundred what?"

Kirk: "A hundred…"

There's a brief pause.

Kirk: "…serpents. Serpents for the Garden of Eden. We're very tired, Mr. Spock. Beam us up home."

(((He can't do it. He can't bring himself to encourage Tyree (and Tyree's people) along the war path he knows so well. It's almost as if his earlier run in with the Klingons during Errand of Mercy led him to make a different choice this time. It's almost as if he's experienced consistent character growth.

Fuck yes, Roddenberry.

Fuck yes.)))

Thus Endeth A Private Little War

The Score of Wigs:

Random Crewman Body Count – 22

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 13

Times Spock is injured – 8

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 7

Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 5

Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 5

Times the Transporter Breaks/Malfunctions – 4

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to – 4

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner – 4

Kirk and/or Company Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 5

Times god-like being is featured – 3

Time Travel is Featured/Discovered – 3

Times Kirk is injured – 5

Times a disease threatens the crew – 3

Times Immortality is Found – 3

Times Kirk Honestly Kissed a Woman – 2.5

Times Spock uses the Vulcan salute– 4

Times Someone Says 'Live Long and Prosper' – 2

Pointless Rolls – 2

Times Kirk is put in a ridiculous machine – 2

Times an Alternate/Parallel Universe is Featured – 2

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 3

Times Kirk "Dies" – 1

Times Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship – 1

Next Episode: The Gamesters of Triskelion