[[A/N I don't know how I came up with this idea, to be perfectly honest, I don't even remember writing half of it. So I decided, the compliments (or lack thereof will go to the goblins/pixies/elves who write for me when I'm not aware of it.]]

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Death Note. I have never owned Death Note. The only thing I own is the cup of coffee and the cigarettes that sit on my desk (which I own) next to my computer (which I also own). I also own the bar of chocolate in my fridge. And my bed. Although I didn't buy that, so do I really own it? Whatever, here's chapter 1 of 2.

Dear Matt

I lay in bed and watched the chest of the man next to me rise and fall in the moonlight. His pale skin is ghostly and his red hair, vibrant. The curves of his hips are tantalising, the scraps from my nails on his back, inviting. I look past you to the floor. Our clothes scattered in disarray and only two people know the reason why. We are both lying in this bed. The sexual frustration that hung in the air earlier has been cut, now there is just serenity and contentment.

I look you up and down again, silently hoping you will always be this peaceful. Quietly I get out of the bed and pull on my leather pants and your striped shirt. I look down at your perfect face, a slight hint of a smile gracing your soft lips. I lean over you and plant a kiss on your forehead. I run my fingers down your flawless neck, across the nail marks on your strong shoulders. Silently I beg you to forgive me as I try to forget you. I leave in the darkness hoping you'll hate me. People are easier to forget when you hate them. In my mind, I know I'll never forget you because no matter how much I want to, your perfect smile, your gentle touch, your enchanting laugh, all of these things will haunt me in my dreams. Your peaceful face is embedded in my mind. I close my eyes and squeeze the bridge of my nose as I sit your desk and try to find the words to explain why I have to do this.

"Dear Matt…"

'I love you?'

'I don't want to hurt you?'


What do I say? What could I possibly write that could bring you comfort when you realise I'm gone.

You will never excuse me for this so asking your forgiveness is pointless.

You wouldn't believe me if I told you I loved you, I don't believe myself when I think it.

'I know you hate me, I'd hate me too.'

But I don't. I don't know if you hate me. I don't know what you'd say to me in the morning if you woke up and I was laying your arms.

"Dear Matt…"

So many words in the English language yet I cannot find the right ones to tell you what's going through my mind right now.

"Dear Matt…

'Sometimes the only thing left to say is the hardest thing in the world. Sometimes the only thing left to do is the most hurtful thing ever.'

It's still not right.

"Dear Matt…


[[A/N Hahaha!!! Angst!! I love it, don't you? Hehehe! Next find out what Matt's reaction is like! Wow, I never noticed how much I like exclamation marks!!!! Hehe!!