AN: Woot! First story on the site (not my first fan fiction)
I had an idea for this and just started typing it out. At first it was supposed to just be a oneshot of Hidan and Kakuzu having an online chat but then it grew. Sorry I don't know how long it will be.
Warning: contains swearing, yaoi (eventually), and maybe gore.
Pairings: kakuhidan, peinkonan, itakisa, sasodei, and maybe zetsutobi (if I can fit it in)
Disclamer: because we all know that Naruto is owned by a teenager in america
I don't describe actions much in this one because its mostly a chat conversation.
Kakuzu sighed. It had been a long day and he wanted it over. He flopped into the bed and tried to sleep when his computer made a beeping noise. He flipped over; trying to ignore the sound but it became more persistent, until finally it couldn't be avoided. He slid out of his bed and dropped heavily into his desk chair.
"You have received an IM!" Was scrawled in cheery letters across the screen. You're about to receive my fist if you don't stop making noise! Voiced a passing thought. However, it was quickly pushed to the side by the part of Kakuzu's mind that had calculated how much a new computer would cost.
He was not in the mood for this at all, yet college was working his last nerve. The work was hard, the people were stupid, and worst of all he barely had enough money to live comfortably.
The computer screen flashed a couple more times, because obviously the electronic had lost all will to live. All thoughts of Electronocide(1) were ripped from his mind when he saw that the IM was from "*PopGoesTheWeasle*". Itachi is IM-ing me? Shit Kisame must be on fire or something. He let out a sadistic chuckle before clicking open the page.
*PopGoesTheWeasle* says: Bar. You coming?
Puppet Master says: The one up the street.
Samehada4Ever says: me, itaita, sasori-san, zetsu-san, pein-sama, and konan-chan r all go'ng!1! :D plz come I wil b lyk ttly hapy!
Kakuzu tapped the keyboard lazily, he didn't want to go, a bar meant drunken college students, and they were annoying enough when they were sober.
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: no.
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I don't want to watch Pein trying to eat Konan's face all night.
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: And Kisame, if you ever write to me like that again
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I will kill you.
Samehada4Ever says: haha srry. Lol!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I wasn't joking.
Samehada4ever has signed off
*PopGoesTheWeasle* says: good night.
*PopGoesTheWeasle* has signed off
Puppet Master says: …
Puppet Master says: you need to get laid.
Puppet Master has signed off
Kakuzu rubbed the bridge of his nose, he needed new friends. He liked his current ones, in a way, but they were so…how could you describe them? Sasori was blunt and straight to the point. Itachi barely ever said anything; let alone enough to warrant an opinion on his personality. Pein and Konan were always making out. Kisame was loud, overly polite, and over all weird. And Zetsu… Zetsu had conversations with himself, end of story.
Opening up a web browser and typing in 'chat rooms' in the search engine. Kakuzu realized that at the moment he was using the most drastic/lazy way of finding new friends possible. The result was over several thousand pages so he decided to narrow his search. He wanted someone that he could possibly meet, so he typed in 'Akatsuki college chat'. This time it only came up with two pages but he clicked the first listing.
The page loaded and on the top read, "Welcome to Akatsuki chat. An online chat room for Akatsuki college students only." This looked like as good a place as any. He clicked the 'sign in' button and filled out his basic information, username, e-mail, blah blah blah.
Kakuzu scrolled through the chat room names, the names changed but in the end they all were the same, girls, booze, party, guys, the list went on. He stopped when he came across a room titled "why AC fucking sucks!" the miser couldn't help but be curious.
BitchWhere'sMyMoney has signed on
Art Is A Bang says: Great another 2 hour rant. Why am I here again?
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Shut the hell up, asshole, I'm trying o talk!
Art Is A Bang says: Love you too.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: As I was saying before the stupid dick-monger interrupted. The principal is a lazy son of a bitch, who doesn't do anything about the sick shit that happens in the school!
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Yesterday I was walkin' up the stairs and I saw a guy and his chick were standing in a corner and when they saw me the guy started doing up his fucking pants! (2) You people stay classy! Because giving hand jobs in the corner of a dirty ass school is sexy.
Art Is A Bang says: Isn't this the second time you saw that?
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Yes, the sad thing is, IT WAS THE SAME, FUCKING, GUY!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Please tell me they weren't a ginger and a girl with blue hair.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: HOLY SHIT YOU KNOW THEM!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Sadly yes.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Man I feel sad for your sorry ass.
CherryBlossom says: Can you please stop swearing, it's offensive.
Art Is A Bang says: You went into a chat room titled "why AC fucking sucks!" and you are complaining about offensive language. GO AWAY.
CherryBlossom says: But he shouldn't swear!
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fuck you, you fucking whore, I can say whatever the fuck I want because I marked this discussion as mature! Therefore, you are a dumb bitch for signing on!
CherryBlossom says: You're an ass! I'm reporting you!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: How old are you? Because this site is for adults not fragile little girls. If you don't like what's being said, then leave.
CherryBlossom has signed off
Kakuzu smiled to himself, he liked occasionally torturing people on the internet, he didn't like being 'talkative', although there was no point in a chat room if you didn't chat. It was annoying and troublesome, but he was desperate.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Thanks, seriously! That bitch was annoying.
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Whatever
!JashinFuckYeah! says: So you're friends with ginger and blue?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: You nicknamed them?
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Yeah
Art Is A Bang says: Got to go. My mom is yelling at me about that dresser I blew up. See you later, yeah.
Art Is A Bang has signed off
!JashinFuckYeah! says: So which one are you?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Have you nicknamed all of their friends?
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Yeah seriously! There's Ginger, Blue, Fish-face, Fish-face's girlfriend, Oreo, Puppet-boy, and then Fuckface. (3)
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I'm going to kill you.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: You can try.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: So which one are you?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Go to hell.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Sweet I guess that means you're Fuckface.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: HI FUCKFACE!
!JashinFuckYeah! says: I added you to my friends.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: ACCEPT ASSHOLE!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Why should I?
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Pretty please with a cherry on top?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Are you really a college student?
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fuck you.
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Bye.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: NO ADD ME FIRST YOU ASSHOLE!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney has signed off
!JashinFuckYeah! says: ass.
Kakuzu slid into his computer chair. He had added '!JashinFuckYeah!' to his friends on a whim, and over the past three months had grown… what was the word when you didn't hate someone? Fond? He had grown somewhat fond of the other boy. And during one of their conversations he was able to gather information.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Name?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Tell me yours
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fuck you! I'm not telling, you might be some kind of sexual predator! Tell me your name first!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Kakuzu
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Mine is San. age? (4)
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I'm 22
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Asshole, you can drink? Lucky bastard, I'm only 20.
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: You're an idiot.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: FUCK YOU! Um… what do you look like without the mask?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I'm not telling you.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Oh come on!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: No
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Please.
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: First, tell me what you look like under your face.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: That was creepy as fuck man.
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Then stop talking to me.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Never.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: What do you want to be when you get a job?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: What are you 5?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: you tell me first.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: And you call me a 5 year old, fuck!
!JashinFuckYeah! says: I'm training to be a fucking Grief counselor! (5)
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: … really? But this is a college chat.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: there is a training program in the school.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Wait…what the fuck does "really" mean?
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Never mind.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Tell me yours asshole!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Heart surgeon.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Ewww! I love gore and shit, but the smell is fucking sick!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: how do you know what someone looks/smells like on the inside?
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Next question!
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Religion? I'm a jashinist! Technically, I'm a priest, I've gone through all of the training, and I can even purify people in the name of Jashin if I need to. What about you?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Atheist.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fucking heathen! I will purify your soul in the name of Jashin!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Try it and I will make sure that you are able to meet that stupid god of yours.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Fine um… gay or straight?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: You?
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Why do I always have to fucking answer first? Fine. Bi.
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Don't most religions have a problem with men having sex?
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Not in jashinism. See? Jashin is fucking awesome! CONVERT!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Whatever.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: So?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I'm gay.
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: I hate women.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: So you are the topsy-turvy version of an angry bull dyke?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: …
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Haha I win!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Why do I talk to you?
!JashinFuckYeah! says: I don't know. Hey kuzu-chan?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: Call me that again and I will kill you.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Like you can!
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Can you send me a pic?
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: No.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: Please kuzu-chan!
BitchWhere'sMyMoney says: No.
!JashinFuckYeah! says: You suck!
(1) Electronocide :the act of killing a computer
(2) This has happened to me
(3) I couldn't think of a nickname to give Itachi (Hidan doesn't know his name so it can't be weasel boy)
(4) San is Hidan. He has given a fake name to Kakuzu. I will explain why later.
(5) haha can you actually see Hidan being a grief consoler? "Your son just died? Shit that fuckin' sucks! I feel sorry for you and shit."