Summary: It's a wonder she lasted that first year in Forks. Written for aizome's birthday.


Five Ways That Bella Could Have Kicked It


It wasn't even Tyler's van; it was his brother's. Tyler was borrowing it, along with the Eminem CD he blasted at full volume as he drove into the school parking lot.

It didn't register that he was going to hit someone until it was too late. At first, he thought it was a pole; then it turned around and mouthed, "Oh, shit", and he realized his insurance premium was about to go way up.

Some pale asshole glared at him as the ambulance drove away, sirens blaring. "I could have saved her," he muttered, and punched through the van's windshield.


"Where's Bella?" Alice chirped as Edward sauntered into the nominally unused kitchen area. "And why are you covered in leaves?"

"Don't wanna talk about it," Edward grunted. He sped to the couch and began channel surfing, until Emmett swiped it from his loose grip. "Give it back," Edward groused. "Oooh, Golden Girls marathon."

Rosalie stood in front of the television, simultaneously bitchy and hot. "Out with it, Edward," she said sternly. Pointed stares from the entire Cullen clan soon followed.

Edward sighed. "She fell off my back while I was running, all right?"

Jasper snickered. "Again?"

"Shut up," Edward muttered.


Bringing his human girlfriend along to play baseball was not Edward's idea of a date. He'd told his family as much, but Emmett had just called him a homo and everyone else laughed and went back to Family Couples' Night while Edward "studied Calculus".

Bella stood awkwardly at the plate when it was her turn to bat. Alice pitched horribly and cheered when Bella walked to first base. Rosalie, perhaps too obviously, whammed the ball for all it was worth. Bella made an 'oof' noise and toppled to the ground.

"I told you she was retarded at sports," Edward griped.


James had already roughed her up pretty well by the time the Cullens arrived. Weakly, Bella stared up at Alice while Emmett and Jasper ripped James' dick and arms off and tossed them into a makeshift bonfire.

"You're going to make it, Bella!" Alice's voice quavered as if trying to convince herself of as much. "Just hold on." Suddenly, she was breathing faster; her eyes widened and nostrils flared, and Bella squeaked. Then they were on her, six hungry, vegetarian vampires, pawing at her greedily until they had sucked her dry.

Carlisle bowed his head. "Happy Thanksgiving, everyone," he smiled.


Two weeks after Prom, Bella stubbornly continued her quest to make Edward turn her into a vampire. "I thought you loved me," she whined, while Edward pretended to read Nabokov.

"You'll be throwing your dreams away, Bella," he reminded her mechanically, yawning.

"I don't have any dreams," she promised. "Totally dream –free."

"Your family will miss you."

"I'll have a new family!" she beamed.

"I just don't think it's –"

"I'll show you my boobs," Bella offered suddenly.

Edward smirked into his paperback. "I've already seen those."

"What?"

"What?"

"Alice loves me more," Bella pouted. Edward turned her that night.