It would be deceitful to say that the loss of Vulcan was one of the most emotional and heart wrenching moments that had happened in my life. If it had happen in my youth, in another time and universe, it would have been. No matter how logical I would have wanted to be then, no logic could have saved me from my devastation and loss. No teaching of Surak would have prepared me for the onslaught of almost physical pain of losing my mother and my world on the same day.
So when I look at my own, more youthful face across from me, I cannot tell him the truth. That there are more losses than these in his future. That some pain can be more piecing that of the sharpest blade and that some aches never get better but only worse.
Losing Jim was worse than losing Vulcan. I still feel the pain of not being able to tell him goodbye. Of not being there when he needed me to be there for him. I mourned for him more than I have ever mourned for anyone. Not my father. Not my brother. Not my many friends who have passed in my long life. Not even my mother. My logic failed me as I could not fathom a logical universe without him in it. I retreated from the world. I threw myself in my reunification efforts to finally bring peace between Romulus and Vulcan. But nothing ever replaced my friend. I did not want anything to.
But I made a promise to myself that I would be there for all of them the way I was not for him in their last moments if I could. I was there when Pavel took his last breath. I traveled light years to find Scotty whom had cheated death once but could not cheat it again. I was surrounded by Sulu's grandchildren as they wished him a final farewell.
I was there to say goodbye to my dearest friend Bones.
"It would be your ugly mug to send me off to the afterlife"
"You would not have it any other way, Doctor."
"Hurmph. Lord's got a sense of humor I guess."
"It wasn't your fault, you know. What happened to Jim."
"And don't give me that Vulcan logic shit. I'm at death's door for god's sake."
"You are my dearest friend."
"Yeah…well I love you too, you green blooded son of a bitch."
Nyota Uhura was still beautiful when her time came, no matter how much older she appeared. She and I were the last of our times. The experiences we had been through together had formed a bond that will and shall remain unbroken in both this life and the next. I had ventured from Romulus in secret to be with her in her last moments.
"You brought your lute."
"I thought you would enjoy it."
"I always did Spock. I wish these old tired bones could play it still."
"What would you prefer I play for you Uhura."
"Whatever you want. I always liked anything you played."
"I shall play 'Nocturnes of the Heart'."
"We had some good times didn't we?"
"Indeed. We did."
I cannot tell of the death of my world without explaining the death of my friends. This younger version of myself will not understand. May never understand. I have lost Vulcan and it saddens me. I have lost my mother for the second time also and it devastates me. I have no shame in stating my emotions.
But my home…my home died with my friends. I cannot grieve with him. Seeing Kirk again has made my heart glad. Knowing that in this universe my friends live consoles my soul.
I grieve for Vulcan but am glad. I do not regret it.
I have a chance to go home again.
My son tries to hide his affection for the human woman as if I would not notice. He does not want to compound my grief by this new rejection of Vulcan even in the planet's death throes. This woman he…loves? This woman is aesthetically pleasing. She has been following him with her eyes from the moment I met her and my son has followed her with his. Amanda would have loved her.
Amanda. She once followed me with her eyes in the same way. She was curious and as a teacher she knew how to formalize inquiry to the correct conclusion. She did not treat me with distain or coddle me with false sincerity about how wonderful she thought Vulcan culture was. She believed that Vulcans were illogical to abhor feeling when it was as much of a biological function as eating. She had gained my curiosity and it lead to dinner.
"Ambassador Sarek, I don't understand this. I don't believe complete control of emotion is possible."
"Ms. Grayson, I assure you it is possible and can be done. My father went through the process of Kolinar and was purged of all emotion."
"And what of you, Sarek of Vulcan? Are you purged of all emotion?"
How at this moment I wish I was.
My son is struggling with his emotion. His illogical bout of anger with the young human male was humiliating to him. I struggle with my own deep emotions. Vulcan was my womb. All of our wombs. How can we survive without it?
Logically I know the answer but it serves as no solace. My son is in pain and no matter how much humiliation he has brought on my name I know that Amanda wanted us to reconcile. Just as she wished for me to reconcile with my elder son Sybok before his banishment tore us apart.
Spock shall know that I accept whatever choice he makes. Whether he wishes to follow his heart or his logic is no longer my concern.
I love him as he is from his mother. It is not logical to let him go for any reason.
I am still not used to Earth's winter. Even the most humid of habitats on Earth could not compare to the arid dryness of Vulcan. This makes the Michigan winter is almost unbearable as the snow falls.
"Spock, are you sure?"
I nod my head not looking at her. She takes my gloved hand into her own and squeezes it for support. I merely look at the door in front of me, my mind clear. I ring the doorbell and wait.
"Who is it?" A male voice answers inside the house. He opens the door and I have a small moment of wonder that he has my mother's eyes. He looks to me and my companion in silence and then recognition enters his eyes.
"I haven't seen you since you were a baby."
"You are Harold Grayson, brother of Amanda Grayson?"
"And you are my sister's son. You look just like her. C'mon in, Spock."
"She always wrote to me about you. How proud she was. Said you were in Starfleet. Didn't really believe it until I saw you on the news."
I do not know how to respond so Nyota responds for me. "When did you find out?"
"They told me last Wednesday. I still can't believe she's gone. My baby sister."
He begins to cry. I am disconcerted by his show of emotion. It is not logical to mourn for one whom you had not seen in twenty-five years so vigorously. Nyota rises and begins to pat him on the back.
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"She was an angel. Even when she was little." He wipes his tears. "I missed her so much when she left for Vulcan."
I am at a loss at what to do. He is a stranger to me, this human connection to my own flesh. Nyota continues to rub his back and I continue my own silence. I suddenly stand, unable to take such emotion in the childhood home of my mother, and walk out of the room and into the backyard.
I am not sure how long I stay in the snow but it is not relevant. I stare at a carving in a tree. It is my mother's name with a heart around it. She had to have been little when she made it. I can see her small hands attached to a blade and scraping into the tree, a smile on her face.
She would have been happy here. The yard is adequate for human children. The tree looked strong for climbing.
"Back on Earth, I used to climb trees."
"That is highly illogical, mother. There is no purpose to climbing trees."
"You are your father's son. One day I'll take you back to Earth and show you the tree I used to climb when I was a little girl. Maybe we'll climb it together."
"This sounds illogical…but intriguing."
"I thought so too. You are your mother's son after all."
I am sitting on a tree branch and it is as illogical and intriguing as I believe it would be as a child. I am not surprised to find Nyota climbing up the tree and I make room for her.
"This is a pretty good climbing tree, Spock."
"My mother believed so."
She wraps her arms around me. There is something cold and wet on my face but I do not know what it is. It is not until Nyota wipes my eyes that I realize it is coming from me.