Hello! This is my first time writing anything fanfiction related in English and since it's not my first language, there might be some grammar/vocabulary blunders out there. If you happen to spot something weird/blatantly idiotic, please point it out in the comments and I'll try to fix it. I don't have a beta and I'm not sure if I'm going to write anything on a regular basis.
So, hoping you won't hate it too much, here's my first English fic.
Zoro had been sleeping peacefully for the last couple of hours, oblivious to the loud growl of his captain's stomach. That, until Luffy started shaking the shit out of him. They had been drifting for days and the only food they had left was a barrel of apples. Not enough for Luffy's insatiable need for MEAT. At least it was enough for them to survive a couple of weeks, and maybe they would be able to reach land during that time.
"What?", Zoro tiredly opened an eye, "Have we reached an island or something?", he yawned lazily.
"Nope.", came the answer, "But I'm soooooooo boooooored... And hungry... If I don't eat any meat I'm gonna dieeeeeeee...", Luffy whined. "I got dizzy from watching all those clouds above, my head aches from too much sleep, my stomach hurts ...".
"...If this is why you woke me up I'm so gonna slice you in half !", Zoro warned.
"Actually...", Luffy continued, "... since I was so hopelessly bored, I tried to come up with something fun for us to do while we're lost. And that's when I realized I was kinda horny...".
"And why the fuck would I ever want to know such a thing???", Zoro interrupted, annoyance obvious in his voice. He was slowly getting used to his captain's randomness, but this was still too much.
"Well, I was about to ask you. Wanna have sex?", Luffy asked playfully, innocent look on his face. Zoro almost choked while swallowing his own saliva and stared at his captain incredulously. He had got to be hearing things, though it was shocking that his mind was able to replace the misheard question with something so weird.
"What?!?", he finally managed to ask.
"Weren't you listening? I asked if you wanna have sex.", the captain repeated, oblivious to his first mate's reaction. The moment Zoro actually comprehended what it was that Luffy wanted, his mouth had hopelessly dropped to the floor, and a furious blush was forcing its way up to the tip of his ears.
"Nn-nooo!!! What the fuck is wrong with you?!? Have you finally lost it completely?!?", he yelled, his body unconsciously taking a defensive stance.
"But it's sooooo booooring ... And I'm horny too...", the straw hat captain tried to explain. "You don't have anything to do either, so why not?".
"Because...", Zoro started while pulling Luffy's rubber face, " ... my brain is still working, you moron!".
"What do you mean?", the boy looked at the swordsman, confusion draped over his features. "Do you only have sex when you're unconscious? That's so sad, you're missing something really fun, honestly!"
"That's not what I fucking meant, you asshole", the first mate yelled, letting go of the boy's face. Luffy's head was knocked back and the boy started rubbing his skin, confusion still clouding his eyes.
"Then what did you mean? Why can't we?"
"Why don't you just jerk off in a corner if you're so desperate?", Zoro suggested annoyed.
"But I can't, it's embarrassing.", the straw hat boy whined.
"How is that more embarrassing than what you asked?", the swordsman gave up trying to make sense of what the other was saying. "And aside from that, did you even stop to notice that I am a MAN?!?"
"Are you stupid, Zoro?", Luffy wondered, "How could I not notice you're a man? And besides, why is asking someone to have sex with you supposed to be so embarrassing? It's like playing a fun game together or having a friendly spar..."
"Only NOT! And you're clearly stupid! Two guys can't even have sex.", Zoro replied, already tired from trying to put some common sense into a brainless piece of rubber.
"Why not?", the broken record repeated its line. The first mate rolled his eyes, this had been going for way too long.
"Listen, Luffy. Sex is like, a guy puts his penis into a chick's vagina. Now, how can two guys have sex if both of them have penises and none of them has any vagina?"
"Hmmmmmmm....", Luffy submerged into deep thought, concentration clear on his face.
"Don't think about it! It was a RHETORICAL question! They CAN'T!", Zoro punched the captain's face.
"Hmmmmmmm.... We could jerk off together. Doesn't that count?", Luffy refused to give up.
"Do it yourself!!!", the swordsman yelled once again, feeling his throat sore.
"So you just wanna watch? Kinky...", the rubber boy teased.
"I DON'T!!! Do it while I'm asleep!!! I don't care... Just leave me out of it!", Zoro was reaching the wit's end. "If you don't stop talking about sex in the next 5 minutes I won't hesitate to cut you!"
"Wait, I figured, we could use our mouths... Or the asshole...you could bend over while I..."
"That does it!", Zoro screamed, drawing his swords and preparing to attack.
That was the moment Luffy spotted some kind of bird somewhere high above and suddenly launched himself towards it, shouting happily. "Wait for me, you flying piece of MEAT!".
Later that evening, after the captain had finally eaten something more than apples, Zoro was laying on his back, watching the stars and wondering if the whole sex conversation had really happened. Luffy didn't seem to remember anything and the swordsman began to seriously doubt his own sanity.
~ continued in chapter 2, though not originally intended