Screwy Dewey

Chapter 13

James Potter is a Jerk

1975 (Christmas, sixth year)

Dewey pulled her jacket tighter around her, breathing into her hands to warm them.

"Bloody hell," She could see her breath in front of her, and pulled out her lighter to make a small fire she could carry in her palm. "'S bloody cold."

She walked down the snowy London street, stopping in front of a tall apartment building. She checked the address written down on a wrinkled piece of paper one last time before entering the building and heading for apartment 4D.

After several flights of stairs, she stood outside the white door. The paint was peeling off, and the door handle had rust covering half of it. Dewey knocked raptly, seventeen times, just as she was instructed.

From the other side of the door, there was a voice, "What's the password?"

Dewey scoffed, "I don't have a password."

"Then how do I know it's really you?"

"There is no freaking password and we both know it, you little shit, let me in, it's bleedin' freezin' out here."

"Yup, it's you," The door swung open and her idiot brother stood on the other side, arms wide open and expecting a hug, "Big sister!"

He received a punch to the shoulder and rough shove, "Where's the whiskey, I need something to warm me up..."

Remus popped out of nowhere, "Alcohol doesn't actually physically heat you up, it just makes you feel-"

He was cut off as Sirius clamped a hand over Remus' mouth, tsking at the smartest of them all, "Don't be a buzzkill, Moonison."

"Mmmmph, mmph mmph ffmph pmmph," He tried to say, but Sirius' hand was still there.

"Language like that is not tolerated in my new flat!" Sirius shouted, smacking Remus across the face.


"So, Dewey, how do you dig my bachelor pad?" The oldest Black brother grabbed Dewey by the upper arm and dragged her on a tour of the rather pathetic and dingy place, with one bedroom, a pull out couch, a bathroom with suspiciously dirty water, and a kitchenette.

"Isn't it bee-you-tahful?" He asked, spinning in a complete circle.

Dewey sat on the couch, crossing her legs, "Er, yeah. Wonderful. So, you rent the place?"

"Mmhmm, I've got it until July, then I can renew or whatever," He grinned, "It's only a few blocks away from Diagon Alley, so I got a job at Zonko's too! This is going to be the best winter break ever!"

"A job," Dewey said flatly, "Sounds riveting. Where's the booze?"

"Kitchen cabinet, above the fridge."

She entered the cramped space, looking around, "Sirius, you don't have a fridge."

"Oh, right," He shouted back from the other room, "I meant dish washer thingy."

She did not see any sort of electrical kitchen appliances anywhere, "I don't see it, mate."

His huff was audible from the other room, and she heard him enter behind her and reach around her to the cabinet right in front of her, revealing two bottles of Irish whiskey and some other drinks, "See, right above the dish washer."

Dewey raised an eyebrow, " do realize that is a sink, don't you?"

"You do realize that muggles call them dish washers, don't you?" He replied snidely.

"Er, hate to break it to you, but muggles just call it a sink," She grabbed some shot glasses and the drinks before turning to bring it out to the others. When she turned, she smacked right into Sirius' chest, her chin colliding with his collarbone.

When did he get so tall...?

She had to tilt her head back a little to look him in the eye. At 5'10'', she didn't usually have to do that.

"Whoa," She laughed awkwardly, "How tall are you?"

"184 centimeters," He rubbed the back of his neck, "Well, 183.5, but I just rounded up."

"Feet, man, I went to school in America."

"Oh, right," He thought for a few moment, "Six feet one inch, I think."

"Nice," They stared at each other for a moment, "So, I guess I should take these-"

"Right, I'll just get out of the way," He left the kitchenette, and she followed close behind, holding up the whiskey.

"Who needs a drink?" She asked, and Peter cheered, with the others joining in shortly after. She glanced at Sirius and muttered, "I know I do."

1976 (Halloween)



James rolled onto his stomach to look at his best friend, "Imagine you're surrounding by Death Eaters, no hope of winning, you can only pick five people to help you fight. Who would you pick?"

"Well..." Sirius looked thoughtful, "I wouldn't pick anyone. If there was no hope of winning, I wouldn't want any of my friends going down with me."

James looked at him with shining in, leaning in for what Sirius thought was a hug, but turned out to be a smack across the head with a particularly heavy textbook.

"Oi!" Sirius shielded himself as the assault continued.

"When did you get a vagina? That was the lamest answer ever. Watch this," James turned and shouted to his sister, "Dewey! You're surrounded by DEs, there's no hope, you can have five people help you fight, who?"

Immediately and with no hesitation, Dewey answered, "Albus Dumbledore, Jasper Maskelyne, Dwight Eisenhower, Robert Erskine Childers, and Gandhi."

"Good answer," James whistled, impressed.

Sirius looked confused, "Who's Robert Erkskelferskell Childers?"

"He was an Irish nationalist," She chuckled, "He got sentenced to death by shooting and told the marksmen 'take a step forward, lads, it'll be easier that way' and shook all of their hands before they killed him."

"Are we talking about Robert Erskine Childers?" Doon approached the group happily, carrying a bag that was dripping with a suspiciously blood red substance.

"Yup," Dewey glanced warily at the sac in her friends' hand, "What's in the bag?"

"Dead ferrets," He replied casually, "So what's up?" They all stared at the bag for a moment before making up lame excuses and leaving as fast as they could. Doon looked confused, "What did I say?"

Dewey strode into the Great Hall, pausing when she saw rows upon rows of floating pumpkins, lit from the inside with candles. Faces were carved into each one, and each face was different.

"Whoa," She let out a low whistle, impressed with decorations. James stepped up beside her.

"Sure is something, innit?"

"What's it for?"

He raised an eyebrow, "Halloween. Duh."

Dewey paused, "Wait, when's Halloween?"


"Isn't Halloween in October?" Dewey scratched her head in confusion. "Halloween is definitely in October."

"Dewey, I hate to break it to you, but it is October," James patted her shoulder.

"Oh. Oh wow. That's awkward. I thought it was September. It's totally September. Like, there's no way it's not September..."

"Nope. October."

"Damn," She blinked, thinking hard, "I do not remember any of early October. Not even a little."

"Let's forget about your timeline difficulties, and move on to more important food," James took off towards the Gryffindor table. Dewey turned the other way and scoured the table for Ray, but he was already at the Hufflepuff table with Pippin, both of them chatting amiably.

"How are my other-housely friends today?" She asked, plopping down next to the Slytherin boy.

They both smiled and laughed, the three of them cracking jokes and stuffing themselves for a while when Pippin left the table for a moment and Ray immediately started rambling to Dewey, "Okay, so, you know how I said I wasn't gay?"


"Well, I am."

"Dude, seriously, just pick one. This is getting out of hand."

"No, I mean that I'm gay except with Pippin," He tried to explain, but Dewey just raised an eyebrow, "Like, you like guys. Except I know you've fooled around with a girl. Like, that one exception. That's Pippin for me."

"I think you're crazy."

"I'm not denying that, but that's for completely different reasons."

"No. You're crazy. What you need to do is make out with a girl, then with a guy, then decide who you like more." He stared at her, "And you're not making out with me."

"Damn. Well, I'm off to find a girl, then. Later."

He strutted out of the room, and a few seconds after he was gone Emma Peterson sat down across from her.

"So," When Emma smiled she looked like a particularly vicious wilderbeast, Dewey noted absently.


"What's up with you and Sirius?"

"I have never talked to you in my life ever. If there was something going on, which there's not, I wouldn't tell you."

"Well, I just thought it was weird, since Sirius has a reputation as such a player. Since you've gotten here, he hasn't been sleeping around as much."

"He...sleeps around?"

"Yeah. I'm kind of honored that I was his first, back in fourth year..."

"Fourth year?"

"Mhm," Emma leaned in conspiratorially, "Isn't he great in bed?"

"I wouldn't know."

"Weird. He must not like you as much as I thought he did," Emma shrugged, "You know what else is weird? Nobody here knew James even had a twin sister until you showed up! I mean, I get it, look at you. You're a fire elemental, and you don't even take care of your appearance. Your hair is like half burnt all the time. And he's so popular, so he wouldn't people thinking he had a sister know," She seemed to realize your words, and hastened to correct herself, "Not that I think he's ashamed of you or anything. He must have had some reason."

She stood when Pippin returned, "Well, I gotta get going. See you around!"

Dewey watched her go, not really sure what just happened. What a bitch...but still...

"Hey, Pippin, did you know I existed before I showed up here?"

Pippin thought on it, "No, none of the Marauders ever mentioned James having a sister. I think everyone would know if they had, especially because you're a fire elemental. Stuff like that spreads like wildfire."

"I see," Dewey stood, a sick feeling settling in her stomach, "Well, I'm going to go...tie my shoes...over there...bye."

She stormed off, in search of her stupid brother. She had words to exchange with that jerk. Lots of words.

A/N – I have a million and one reasons why I didn't update until now, but I really don't think you guys want to hear them, And don't hate me?

I made the present part extra long...

*don't hate me*

Oh, and I realized the timeline wasn't lined up right so I changed it...