Hi there. This is Phoenix with yet another fic. Yay! I know, you're positively giddy, right? Anyway, this is not a bit of sweet and lovely ZaDr fluff, this is literature, so if you're looking for that, leave me now. Uh… First IZ fic ever, I know I usually do JTHM or FMA. Enjoy, don't, not my business, just read it or go away.
DISCLAIMER: Okay, you already know what this is going to say, so why don't I spare you?
"Yes! I've done it!" Professor Membrane stood back to admire his work, then called his unpaid, intern assisstant over. "Jenkins! Look!"
"What is it?' he asked in amazement.
"A Hu-" the professor began, but was interrupted.
"What is it?'
"What is it?"
Membrane sighed. "I get this strange feeling of deja vu. Anyhow, this is a Humificaton Machine."
"Yes. Ooh indeed."
"What does it do?" asked the assisstant.
Membrane was all too willing to explain. "This device is capable of turning anything capable of forming a thought: Birds, chipmunks, dogs, even, I dare say, robots, into humans."
"Does it work?" asked Jenkins.
"We tested it on a squirrel someone found on the way to work one morning. That," said Membrane, "is how you came to be."
Zim sat up in his chair. He had known it would eventually be a good idea to bug not only the Dib human, but his entire family as well. The night had been a long one, and it was now 2 am. Dib monkey was asleep, and the one called Gaz was playing a new video game. Nothing too interesting. He had just been about to tell Gir to bring him a snack, when he heard what the human child's father had been doing. A Humification Machine...
It had been three whole years since Zim landed on Earth. All of the young humans had grown much taller in that time. Zim, however, was about as tall as he was ever going to get. That and the fact Zim had green skin, no ears, and no nose had made the past few years hell for him, but he had struggled through in spite of it all, desperate to better his disguise. And this new machine was like a calling, a gift from the heavens. The squirrel man was living proof that it did in fact work. Plus, Zim knew that the building's weak security stood no chance against his superior Irken technology. Hell, he would just have Gir see to that. Idiot or no, even Gir could handle a simple thing like shutting down the defense mechanisms.
Zim smirked. It was a crazy plan. Crazy enough to work.
Dib awoke with a start. He always had trouble sleeping whenever his dad brought a new invention home. Dib was sure that someone, or something, would try to steal it. He sighed, and tried to go back to sleep. No one's out there, Dib told himself. Not yet. Go to sleep. God knows you need it.
Then as if on cue, Dib heard a loud thump outside his window. He ran to his sister's room.
"Gaz!" he shouted. "Gaz, are you awake?!"
Gaz sighed. "Quiet down, Dib. You idiot."
"Did you hear that?" asked Dib, now whispering.
Gaz rolled her eyes. Dib was nearly fifteen years old, and yet he was still afraid of the Boogeyman. "I didn't hear anything."
"I'm telling you, Gaz," her brother began. "I heard something. Something outside!"
Gaz put a hand on her forehead. Black-painted nails brushed burgundy hair. She sighed again. "Go away, Dib."
Dib looked down dejectedly, then started back to his room. Halfway to Gaz's door, he stopped. "I'm gonna go check it out!" He ran out before Gaz could stop him.
"Dib! You freak!" But Gaz didn't really care any more. Worst case scenario, whatever was down there would eat, shoot, cut up, or otherwise kill her annoying brother, which really didn't bother her. Gaz went back online.
"Quiet, Gir," whispered Zim. "We don't want the humans to know we're here."
The small robot's eyes turned blood red. "Yes, my lord." He saluted.
"Now lift me up to the window."
"Yes, Master." Gir followed his master's command, until a small squirrel distracted him. His large eyes returned to their original light blue as he began to yell: "Ooh! Squirrel!"
Gir then reached out to pet the squirrel, thus dropping Zim. The alien cried out, and made a loud thud upon impact. "GIR! Look what you did!"
The tiny robot looked down like an ashamed child. "I… I like squirrels…" Gir began to cry softly.
Then Gir began sobbing hysterically. "I LIKE SQUIRRELS!" He threw a teary, screaming, fit until Zim finally interrupted
"Okay, okay! All is forgiven by the almighty Zim. NOW STOP CRYING!"
Gir did just that, and was instantly happy, singing a song about bacon (Oh, the powers of ADD).
Once inside the house, Zim knew exactly where to go. He had watched the Dib worm's father instruct a group of men on where to put it. There was only one guard, and Zim saw that he was fast asleep. All was smooth sailing from this moment forth.
The machine itself was a thing which looked like a giant, metal shower pod. Next to it sat a keyboard, which was mainly for show; Zim knew that to operate the thing, all a person needed to do was press a button on the outside, then step in.
He had no idea if it was completely safe, nor if the procedure would hurt… So Zim decided to test it out on Gir first. He pressed the button, then shoved the still-singing little android into the contraption and quickly slammed the door.
Zim heard screaming from inside the machine, and wondered if Gir was all right. But soon he realized that he was screaming not from pain, but from excitement. The idiot liked it! So it didn't hurt, he gathered, but reminded himself that the robot had always been a bit slow, and Zim still had no idea if Gir could actually feel, so those newfound discoveries should be taken with a grain of salt.
The machine soon stopped, and Zim opened the door. What he saw shocked him.