Geeks in Love
BAAWWWW Last chapter guize. :(
Please tell me that I am not the only one who cares that this is over
Let it be known that Lavi was taking all the credit for the newly formed homosexual couple.
"Yeah, I introduced them," he bragged quite heartily to Johnny, who was too busy watching Kanda and Allen interact in absolute horror to actually listen to him. "It was like, man, I have these two friends who could totally, like, fall in love and shit! I should, like, make them meet up."
"Are they sharing a milkshake?"
"Duh, Johnny." Lavi rolled his eye, sniffing as though the bespectacled man were lesser than him. "They're dating. Now, shut up, and listen to me so you can admire my awesome and their gay more."
Johnny furrowed his eyebrows, frowning. "I'm sorry Lavi," he replied, scratching the back of his thick hair. "I was listening…kind of. Okay, not really, but still!" He looked at the…couple again, mortified. "This is so wrong."
Lavi turned his head and looked at the two, an eyebrow cocked in question. What was so wrong about two male teenagers sitting at least a foot from each other with a milkshake that held two straws on a table in front of them? Like, they weren't even talking—they were playing with their Nintendo DS', and rather passionately at that.
It must've been Elite Beat Agents—two-player mode.
He turned back to Johnny, suspicious. "Are you bashing on their gay, Johnny-boy?" he asked carefully.
The sandy-haired man shook his head furiously, denying the very existence of his statement. "I have nothing against homosexuals, since I work in a main street bookstore and all," he said, pushing his large glasses further up on his nose. "But. Isn't there just something…wrong with this picture? Like—I hate to say it like this, but they don't seem like the type of people to…fall in love. They barely look like they like each other!"
Lavi scoffed. That was preposterous! "Oh bullshit, Johnny!" he replied, chuckling good-naturedly. "Of course they are in lo—"
"Fuck you with an escalator upside-down in a strip mall on a Friday!" Kanda snarled, pointing his stylus at the white-haired teenager and almost poking his eye out.
Allen smacked the hand away from him face, sniffing in disdain. "Let's not bring your illicit fantasies into this, twit," he replied with a terse edge in his voice. "You found it proper to insult my mother—whom of which I never knew, by the way—and so, I just felt it would be horribly unfair if I did not insult your parental origins. You Daddy-Lover—" He paused. "Ach. You're choking me." He tugged at the hands around his neck, frowning. "Okay. Um. I can't really breathe."
"Which is exactly what I was going for," but Kanda released his hands anyway, instead picking back up his DS with a scowl. "I hate you and DS pictochat."
The British teenager rubbed his neck, huffing. "Well I very well dislike you too!" he snapped, and picked up his own handheld console. The silence returned all thick and shit, which made Lavi consider rethinking their 'love'.
"See Johnny, that's what you call gay nerd affection," he explained, shuffling his Magic: The Gathering cards like a professional blackjack dealer. He winked—okay, he tried to wink. It is not his fault he only has one eye. (At least, the outcome wasn't his fault.) "Homonerds don't mate like normal humans do, see—they are constantly in some sort of competition and strive to prove who has the bigger penis—obviously me—while excreting pheromones that make them want to throw off their glasses, demagnetize their braces, and take off their pocket protectors so they can titter around and consider making out."
Johnny stared at him.
Okay, the entire room stared at him. Lavi frowned; was there something on his face? Other than sexy, that is.
"I'm going to disembowel you," Allen announced, his eyebrow twitching dangerously. "And then you're going to die."
Kanda snorted. "That would be kind, dweeb," he replied, stretching his legs lazily. "I say we tie him to a motorboat in the Atlantic Ocean. Let the sharks get to him."
But before Allen could reply in kind, Lavi held up a hand. "Hey guys, shut the hell up," he said with a grin. "I love it when people talk about offing me, but now just doesn't seem to be the time, don't'cha think?"
The British teenager checked his watch that was totally broken from this angle. "It feels like its all kinds of the time to me, Lavi," he retorted with a smile. Sometimes, though, the kid's smiles could be record takers in creepy.
"Naw, my homosexual nerd of a buddy," Lavi tutted, sighing. He placed a card down on the table, announcing the environment in which they would be playing Magic. "Y'see, it can't do to worry about me when you and your boyfriend haven't even kissed yet."
Kanda looked like his sanctity was in all sorts of danger. "That's disgusting," he snapped, grimacing. "Why would you call him my…boyfriend? Oh god you just ruined my fucking life with words alone."
"And, kissing? Kanda? Kissing Kanda?" Allen looked horribly unimpressed, but Lavi had to snicker. That sounded like a horrible chick flick, and he would totally watch it if given the opportunity. "I'd rather be alive, thank you."
The red-haired man rolled his eye, sniffing. "Don't be perpetrating, dweeb duo," he replied haughtily, smirking. "You two totally want to make out. I can tell, see." He eyed the couple-of-sorts, mapping out their tense stances. "You two can't even stand sitting next to each other—"
"Thank you for finally realizing this," Allen said with a sigh of relief, sipping at one straw in the milkshake.
"—without wanting to run your fingers over the other's oddly well-proportioned body." He'd never seen a nerd (or anyone, really) in better physical shape than Kanda, and Allen wasn't as skinny as he was lean with a healthy distribution of mass throughout his long body. "So. Yeah. You can't hide your true desires from me, kids."
He paused, waiting for the explosion that was inevitably associated with his outlandish assumption. Closing his eye, he cowered in his seat for about thirty seconds until he realized that nothing was happening.
Lavi opened his eye cautiously, frowning. "What's up with you guys?"
Kanda and Allen sat on that loveseat, looking everywhere but at each other. Their Nintendos were closed and tossed to the middle, and Allen's leg was especially twitchy as he tapped his foot against the ground with a lack of rhythm.
Lavi blinked. What the hell?
But, thank God for small miracles, because Kanda broke the awkwardness with his usual acerbic personality. "Who would want to make out with this geek?" he demanded, scowling at the 'geek' he was pursuing a relationship with. "Christ, it's hard enough to want to hold hands with the freak!"
"A valid point!" Allen jumped on the chance for an argument with Kanda—it was probably the only way they could really communicate. "Touching the moron-infested skin of this twit with my lips? Completely unthinkable! Preposterous, even!"
"Your mom is preposterous, nerd!" the Japanese man snapped, turning his head around to glare at the younger teenager. "It makes no sense to insult my fucking intelligence when I'm the one whose in college, brat. Mann University—ever heard of it?"
"Certainly—they filed a complaint against your loitering, remember?" Allen smiled cruelly, brushing wayward strands of hair away from his eyes. "And, besides, who the bloody hell gives a care whether or not you go to college when you're failing Creative Writing!"
"That is a hard class, you little douche!"
"Yeah right—I've taken Calculus courses that are more difficult than Creative Writing."
Lavi watched the argument volley with a wide eye, not even taking the effort to blink. What the hell?
"You know what kid," Kanda snarled, poking his…partner in the chest with a rather rough index finger. "I don't like your goddamn attitude—you think you're better than me, you little shit!"
"I have no reason to think anything." Allen retorted, snorting haughtily. "I generally go by facts, prick."
"I kind of hate you."
"Well that's fine, because I am considering severely disliking you as well!" the high school student crossed his arms, huffing. "In fact, it's so hard to even look at your horribly masculine face—by the way, sarcasm—that I don't even want to be near you. Your…idiocy might be contagious, really."
Kanda scowled. "Then why the fuck don't we just break up, loser?" he asked bitingly with a pronounced sneer.
"A fantastic idea!" Allen enthused, smiling widely. "I'm breaking up with you, because you are a Japanese jerk with no regard for the feelings of those younger than you!"
"Well, I'm breaking up with you because you play Parappa the Rapper!"
"It's a fun game as well as retro, jerk!" Allen cried, and he fucking shoved Kanda.
Lavi knew a bloodbath in the works when he saw one.
"Um. Guys. Hey, listen, don't kill each other!" he exclaimed, holding out a hand like it would actually make a difference. "Look, I was kidding when I said—holy shit."
Kanda did not like it when people touched his chest, for the record. According to Lavi's totally accurate theories, he probably hated the feeling of palms so close to his nipples, especially considering that he was still dead set on staying a virgin until something happened to change his mind.
Something like…Allen fucking Walker. High school nerd extraordinaire.
So, it ends up that the Japanese man snarled a little before he lunged the short distance to Allen, slamming the poor, thin kid to the arm of the loveseat.
Then, they were suddenly making out.
"What the fuck is wrong with you gay nerds?!" Lavi whined, rubbing his temples. "Nothing that you freaks do makes sense!"
Allen threaded his fingers in the older teenager's long, silky hair and wrapped his legs around Kanda's hips. "Mmph," he replied, obviously too busy to translate his mumbles.
"Stop making out!"
It was like free porn. Except, they still had their clothes on and it was really just heavy make-out-age. Lavi was still offended that they dared to ignore him for the other's body like that, though.
"This is so weird," Johnny whispered. "I must be in, like, the Twilight Zone."
"Keep vampires out of this!" Lavi snapped, practically slamming a card on the table. Jesus Christ, just because they were sucking the life out of each other's face doesn't mean it's suddenly time for Meyer-references.
(Lavi did not like the Twilight Saga as much as people thought he would.)
"I take back the break up," Allen breathed, and they were back to kissing like they'd never kissed before.
Okay, they probably hadn't, but still. Way to be obvious about it, guys.
"Did you have a nice time?" Lavi deadpanned. "And by nice time, I mean you are done for the rest of the fucking month?"
Allen fixed his shirt and Kanda combed back his hair with his long fingers. "Huh?" the English teenager replied, blinking stupidly. He shook his head, snapping out of whatever crazy trance he was in. "Oh, right, yes. We're done."
"For now." Kanda growled, and he stretched his arms with an irritated grunt. "…My tongue hurts."
"Wow, and the award for Too Much Fucking Information goes to…" Lavi paused for effect. "Yuu Kanda!"
"Great thing you didn't mention your erection, eh Kanda?" Allen commented completely unnecessarily, and elbowed his…homosexual life partner(?) in the stomach playfully. The nineteen-year-old snorted and rolled his eyes, and Lavi wanted to kill them.
"You know," the redhead began, sitting back in his seat with an overly exaggerated sigh. "When I first told Allen about you, Yuu—I said he'd go Ga-ga."
Allen almost scowled. "You did lie to me, you sly bastard," he agreed cautiously.
Lavi cocked an eyebrow. "Did I lie? That day, as we played Pac-Man in the arcade surrounded by the noises of teenage society—did I truly lie to you?" he demanded, narrowing his eye. "Because I didn't. You English dork—you fell in love with an antisocial douchebag!"
"Because that wasn't insulting at all," Kanda stated with a frown. "I hate you."
"I am considering hating you." Lavi replied calmly. "Because I like to make fun of people. I especially love to tease you two—until you prove me right you assholes!" He smacked his forehead in exasperation. "What's next, you're going to lose your virginities? Losers!"
Kanda furrowed his eyebrows. "Uh. No." He looked disgusted. "Did I not say that I didn't have any time to lose my fucking virginity? Shit, Final Fantasy Twelve isn't going to play itself, One-Eyed Wally."
Lavi looked unimpressed. "With that battle system—it kind of can."
"Hey, shut the fuck up."
Allen sighed, picking up his DS. "I'll worry about losing my innocence when I get to college," he said with so much confidence that Lavi could tell he wasn't going to keep that promise to himself.
"Uh huh." The redhead sniffed, insulted. "Yeah right. Two young gay guys who both like Date Sim games. Wear a condom."
The…couple had the gall to look vaguely offended.
Shit. Lavi sighed again. He kind of hated gay nerds, now.
Oh shit it's over
Aw well. It was tons of fun—like, seriously. I'm going to miss UltimateGamerz!Kanda and Allen, as well as Instigating!Lavi and OhLulzGuize!Lenalee.
I love Parappa the Rapper so fucking much. DO YOU KNOW WHY WE STOPPED THE CAR??? And, yeah, I still hate Final Fantasy XII, even though I've been playing Star Ocean Til the End of Time for the past ever.
This chapter came out with little to no problems. :) Finally, something is going right in my life! And if this shit messes up—I'VE GOT A COPY ON MY EMAIL NEENER NEENER MICROSOFT WORD
I'm tired. BUT BEFORE I GO TO BED!
Madarao kind of knew his dorm mate.
Kind of, because half the time Kanda was more predictable than time itself, and the other half you had to wonder what the fuck was going on with this guy?
Kanda liked video games a lot—he knew that. It was obvious, since the living room was littered with games and controllers and shattered remnants of Silent Hill 3. He also liked those nerdy board games and shit that the geeks at his high school played all the time in janitor's closets. He was Japanese, nineteen, and was passing every class with a B or A except for Creative Writing. Kanda liked straight-legged jeans, tight shirts, Vans, noodles, and sleeping in on Thursdays.
But, the entire point of this was for one important fact that Madarao will never truly forget: Kanda was a virgin.
How many times has he seen the man bring a girl (or guy, because let's get realistic here) to their dorm? Never. How many hickeys litter his pale neck? Like, two, and that was recent.
Kanda didn't talk about sex. He didn't mention sex. He probably didn't even think about sex.
So, what the fuck was going on in his room?
Madarao stood in front of his dorm mate's door, horrified. There was no television in there—no radio or stereo system or any other shitty excuse for this phenomenon.
Yuu Kanda was having some sort of sexual intercourse.
"Nngn," a moan sounded from the other side of the door, coupled with the rhythmic thumps of a headboard against the wall. Someone was totally going to file a complaint in a few hours, if they weren't too busy jacking off to this. "Aahh…!"
It must've been the best sex ever, Madarao concluded. Like, they'd been going at it for, like, an hour now. He was still frozen in shock, though.
"Oh, Kanda!" whoever the hell was getting screwed exclaimed. "Y-you are rather good—oh!"
"Shut the f-fuck up," Kanda's deep baritone hissed. "My fuckin' dorm mate might hear us, dweeb!"
Too fucking late. Now Madarao's gonna have nightmares, and he's going to describe those nightmares in detail on Facebook.
Oh my fucking god, the light-haired man thought with a straight face. Just. Oh my fucking god.
He needed to call Tokusa.
No. Madarao was thinking too small.
He needed to call the President of America. This was some heavy shit.
Okay. Madarao turned around, breathing slowly. First, call Tokusa. Next, call the president. And, lastly.
Confront Kanda. It had to happen.
He'll just sit on the couch until they were done. Kanda had to leave the room if he wanted to get to the bathroom they shared.
Madarao just hoped that they had low stamina like the nerds they probably were.
END fo real dawg
HA HA Yeah, now you know their relationship gets somewhere in the future.
Yes. It was real sex, by the way. None of that situational irony shit.
All right, all right. It's done now. Hopefully I'll see you guys in the future! You know I love you all and your support—like, I'm so happy that you guys are on my side even when I'm being bitchy and acerbic, and I thank all of you for that.