Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
A/N: I now present...the Xanxus version!!! Obviously, some things aren't going to make sense, but I guess you can consider this as taking place BEFORE the Varia arc...
I wanna make a Cervello twincest fic (if they are twins...they could just look alike), but it'd be difficult since they don't have names...
Meanwhile, at the same time, back in Italy...
Squalo let out his fabulous cry as he suddenly tumbled into the Varia boss's bedroom, a piece of paper clutched tightly in his right hand. Xanxus, who was busy reading a magazine that was in no way considered safe for work, quickly shoved it underneath his pillow and tossed an angry glare in Squalo's direction. The silver-haired man cursed loudly as he stood up. There was now a small, round bump protruding from the top of his head.
"Oi, boss! You got a letter from the Vongola boss!!" Squalo exclaimed much louder than necessary.
"...You read it to me...I don't want to touch anything that old bastard put his hands on anymore..." Xanxus grunted.
"Fine," Squalo held the letter close to his face as he gave it a speedy look-over, and then his face fell, "Uh...it says that to even be considered to qualify as the 10th boss, you have to lose your virginity first...hmm...that's kinda weird, huh, boss?"
All of the sudden, Xanxus jumped to his feet. He had a look on his face as if he had just dawned upon the true meaning of life itself. "THAT'S...THAT'S...THAT'S IT!!!!"
"The reason I'm not even the boss yet is because I'm still a virgin! It all makes perfect sense now!!!"
Squalo couldn't help but grin at that statement. "You're...you're still a virgin? Heh heh heh..."
"I WILL NOT PERMIT YOU TO LAUGH AT ME." Xanxus spoke calmly as he pressed the barrel of his Dying Will pistol against Squalo's cheek. The silver-haired man immediately stopped laughing. Xanxus sighed, and shoved the gun back into its holster. Suddenly, the bedroom doors swung open again, and this time Belphegor, Lussuria, Levi and Mammon came pouring into the room. Apparently, they had been listening in on the entire conversation.
"B-Boss!! Is it true?!" Levi cried as he scrambled to his feet, "Are...are you really going to have sex with some girl...?!!" For some reason, he looked rather upset about the whole idea.
"Ushishishishi! You're gonna get laid, boss?! Seriously now?! Oh, man! I definitely gotta tape that shit!!" Belphegor cackled, licking his lips greedily.
"Yes!" Mammon nodded in agreement, "And then we can sell copies of the video on the Internet at ridiculously high prices!! We'll be rich!"
"Oh! This is so wonderful! It's like all my little children are finally growing up into strapping young men!!" Lussuria gushed.
For the first time in his life, Xanxus actually blushed in embarrassment. 'Goddammit...these bastards make a big deal out of EVERYTHING...'
"So," Belphegor asked, putting a hand on Xanxus' broad shoulder, "Who ya gonna fuck? One of those Cervello chicks? They're pretty hot...ushishishi..."
"That is true, but they're also lesbian lovers." Mammon reminded the prince.
"Oh, yeah...you can't spell 'twincest' without 'win'! Ushishishi~" Belphegor chuckled under his breath.
Suddenly, all of the commotion came to an immediate halt when Xanxus blasted a large hole in the ceiling with bothof his pistols. Everyone turned to face their leader, whose heavily-scarred face was now as red as a tomato. No one dared to say anything now; even Belphegor was left speechless.
"Just..." Xanxus slowly grumbled, "Just...find some girls, so we can get this stupid thing over with, okay?"
Quickly regaining his composure, Squalo saluted his beloved boss and rushed out the door without a word. A few seconds later, the others followed after him, leaving Xanxus all alone once again.
About three hours later, Squalo had finally returned, bringing five exceptionally beautiful women back with him. Levi immediately recognized them all as former top models in the Italian fashion circuit. He wondered just which one of them the boss would choose. The suspense would surely give him a headache equal to that of a total hangover.
Suddenly, Belphegor came walking back into the room with a video camera in hand. Mammon was close behind him.
"I have to kill fast...and bullets too slow!" Belphegor snickered. He had been reading alot of squirrelking fanfics lately.
Mammon gave the blonde young man an incredulous look. "What...?"
A few minutes later, though, all five girls' burnt corpses were tossed out the window by a rather infuriated Xanxus. Luckily, the bodies landed in the recycling bin out back. When Lussuria came across them (he was putting out the trash), he gasped in gleeful surprise, but then sighed upon closer inspection.
'Oh...they're FEMALE corpses...dang...'
"THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, SQUALO?!! BRINGING ME THESE KIND OF WOMEN?!! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!" Xanxus roared, his entire body enveloped within Dying Will flames. Squalo nervously took a step back, and raised his hands over his head.
"Vooooi! How...how am I supposed to know what kind of women you like, dammit?!!"
"Tch! I only like the kind of woman that deserves to be liked!!" Xanxus spat back, crossing his arms in a defiant manner.
"Yeah," Squalo sneered, "What kind of woman would THAT be...?"
Xanxus paused for a moment. "...I want a BBW."
Squalo blinked once, then twice. "Say that again..." he quietly replied.
"I said I want a BBW-"
"GRAAAH!!" Squalo crashed to his knees, and banged his head on the floor, "I WAS HOPING I HAD JUST MISHEARD YOU!!!"
Once again, Xanxus held his pistol up to Squalo's face. "Is there a PROBLEM with me liking girls with a hefty build...?"
"N-No! It's not that! I would never judge you like that, boss!!" Sighing, Squalo got back up to a stand, and closed his eyes, "It's just...the only self-proclaimed BBW I know...is my big sister..."
Xanxus scratched his chin, looking interested for once. "Oh? You have an older sister, eh? What does she look like? Where does she live?"
"I'M NOT TELLING YOU!!! VOOOOOOOOOOI~!" Squalo screamed, stomping his feet like a little child.
"Why not...?" Xanxus craned his head slightly to the side as he spoke.
Squalo clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth before replying. "Because...because how do you think I'LL feel, knowing my big sis and my boss had sex?!!Jesus Christ...that's frickin' awkward, man!!!"
Levi, Belphegor and Mammon all nodded their heads in unison.
"Damn you all..."
After a moment, Squalo suddenly realized something. "Oh, so that magazine you hid under your pillow earlier is a BBW magazine?!! Can...can I borrow it later?"
"WHAT?! YOU SAW IT?!! And...you want to borrow it?!!" Xanxus gasped.
At the end of the day, Xanxus still remained a virgin...and although Levi generously offered to 'take one for the team', Xanxus turned him down without even a second thought...