Title: Rose Tinted
Author: Sorceress Fantasia
Pairings: One-sided Allen/Kanda, Lavi/Kanda
Warnings: Slight angst
Word count: 2625
Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man and any of its characters.
Summary: Allen thinks that Kanda is beautiful in a very dangerous, heartbreaking way, especially when Kanda is exceptionally close to Lavi.
Allen thinks that Kanda is beautiful in a very dangerous way. The fluidity with which he draws his sword and decapitates Akumas is a sight to behold, especially when it's nighttime and the moonlight shines down on Kanda like a halo kissing his long, black hair. He looks like a god of death in those moments and Allen thinks it's the final luxury to die by his beautiful hands. Not only is Kanda beautiful, he is also capable, and Allen likes that very much.
It's hard to take his eyes off Kanda again after that realization.
Sometimes he tries to annoy Kanda just so the other would direct a glare at him that, as cold as it is, is also breathtakingly stunning. Allen is always secretly thrilled behind his mask of indignity whenever it happens, and once alone, he would recall every inch of Kanda's expression and store it away in a corner of his memories that is reserved for the Japanese exorcist. He wishes he had learned how to be a better artist, but before that happens, Allen is happy to merely recreate Kanda's every expression in his mind.
Still, he wishes he will one day be special enough to see Kanda smile.
He hears a story about Kanda smiling one day, when he's gorging himself at the Order's cafeteria. Suddenly, the mountain of food in front of him doesn't hold as much magic as before and Allen scoots over to get closer to the group of finders who are chatting over their lunch. One of them is relating the incredible memory of Kanda smiling, trying his best to convince the others that it was not a trick of the light, that yes, the ever-annoyed ice prince has smiled before.
Allen's warm smile does not waver when he says that oh of course he believes it, but it would be so much more compelling if the finder would just tell him more. The finder, grateful to have found even one ally, is quick to divulge everything he knows.
The unfamiliar name 'Lavi' appears halfway through the conversation, and Allen wonders who could that person be, to have Kanda smile at him. Even Allen has yet to see a smirk from Kanda. A sense of rivalry wells up in him, but he keeps his warm smile and asks the finders about 'Lavi'.
Lavi, they say, is another exorcist and also the next bookman. The boy is currently away on a mission and hasn't been back at the headquarters a few months now, so that's why Allen hasn't met him yet. But when they do meet, Allen will surely know who Lavi is immediately, for he has fiery red hair that complements his emerald eyes very well. It is a colour combination that complements Kanda's very well too. Where Kanda is black and white, Lavi is colour. Where Kanda is withdrawn and bleak, Lavi is outgoing and vivacious.
Perhaps it is their complementary personalities that let Kanda and Lavi get along so well.
Are they close friends, Allen asks, and he is bewildered when the finders break out in a round of chuckles and snickers.
One finder answers him, as he's trying to hold in his laughter, that it would depend on Allen's definition of 'close friends', for the two are always either fighting or arguing. But none of them can deny that Lavi is the only one who can get so close to Kanda and not get maimed. Another finder also mentions that Lavi is the only one who has called Kanda by his first name and survived to tell the tale.
What is Kanda's first name, Allen asks, trying to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth that he actually doesn't know the answer.
The finders are suitably alarmed by the question, and it is only after a very thorough inspection of their surroundings that they reveal it in a very low whisper.
Yuu, they tell him, but do not try to call Kanda by that name or he will come after you with Mugen!
Allen does not believe them. It is only after Lenalee intervenes that Allen does not lose more than just a few strands of his hair upon trying. A pity, he thinks. 'Yuu' rolls off his tongue so nicely; he wishes Kanda would just let him call him that.
Two days later, Lavi returns to the headquarters and at their first meeting, Allen is suitably impressed and at the same time, incredibly tired. Allen is impressed by all the knowledge Lavi has obviously procured through his years of studying under his mentor, Bookman. Allen is tired by how Lavi immediately grabs both his hands and shakes them hard enough to make him lose his footing and then promptly dragging him around the headquarters.
It's to familiarize him with the headquarters, Lavi says, despite the fact that Allen has already been in living there for three months.
When they bump into Kanda, Lavi wastes little time. He drops Allen's arm that he had been dragging and quickly latches onto Kanda instead. The suddenness surprises Allen for a moment, but when Allen realizes how fast Lavi's arms wrap around Kanda, the surprise fades. Disbelief, shock, even anger, swallows him whole.
He is only minutely consoled that Kanda hesitates for a second before drawing Mugen.
But when Lavi dodges the attack and coos 'Yuu', and when Kanda's lips immediately purse and there is only a flash of white light trailing behind Mugen, Allen feels a lot better. The finders are wrong after all. Not even Lavi can call Kanda by his first name and not get threatened. Lavi is not the only one who has called Kanda by his first name and lived to tell the tale.
Allen did too.
So Lavi is not that special to Kanda after all.
The threat of Lavi decreases significantly later, after Allen hears from Komui that Bookman is not just another exorcist. A Bookman must remain objective and never form any meaningful emotional attachments to anyone outside of their clan. Lavi is his heir, subjected to the same strict requirements. Bookman and his heir will not stay in the Black Order forever. They are only here to record the dark history of the Noah clan and the Order's fight against the Millennium Earl. Once the war is over, they will drift away with no indication they were ever in the Order except for the exceptionally accurate records they have of the war.
They will find another war and repeat the entire process over and over again until their lives are over.
Allen thinks it is a sad existence, but he is also secretly comforted that Lavi will not stay with Kanda forever. It motivates him to fight harder so the war can end sooner.
This motive revs up every time Allen sees Lavi looking at Kanda with that special gaze he reserves for the Japanese exorcist, and also when Kanda hesitates a moment more than he would for others every time Lavi touches him. It flares up at the sight of Kanda's cheeks being stained red because of a stolen kiss by Lavi, one they think is a secret between them only because neither of them heard Allen's footsteps, and secretly Allen wonders how many times it has happened because their bodies are too comfortable with each other for it to be their first. They probably never notice Allen every time Lavi calls Kanda Yuu and Kanda does not get violent too.
Allen feels the need to finish the war as soon as possible.
Perhaps his motivation, warped and twisted as it may be, helps in the fights somehow, because it isn't too many years down the road that the war is over and they emerge victorious.
The Earl is dead, the Noah cells are gone and those who had once been the children of Noah are now normal people leading normal lives again. It takes the Order a bit of time to eradicate the remaining Akuma, but with no way for them to multiply, it does not take long to finish the clean-up. Other than that, the war is pretty much over.
Without Akuma and the Earl, the exorcists can no longer be called exorcists for there is nothing left for them to exorcise. One by one they leave the place they had called home for years. Lenalee and Komui will be leaving for China soon, after extracting promises of occasional visits from everyone. Miranda has already returned to Germany, as has Krory to Romania. Allen is not sure about what will happen to Lavi and Bookman, and he is not too concerned. They will probably be heading towards another war zone so they can continue to record the dark side of history as objective historians, and 'Lavi' will undoubtedly end up as just another name discarded.
But Allen is concerned about Kanda's future plans. He is very, very concerned indeed. The Japanese exorcist has yet to express an interest in going anywhere, preferring to stay in his room alone.
Allen wants to ask Kanda to leave with him. They could travel the world and trot the globe if Kanda wants to, as long as they are together. Allen doesn't have a destination in mind, after all. Kanda can decide for them both and oh, they could be so happy together.
Yet, when he finally gathers the courage to knock on Kanda's door, nobody answers. And is it just him, or does the sound of the knock reverberates more than it usually does, like there is but a hollow behind the door? Allen worries, and hastily searches the headquarters for him. The showers, the cafeteria, the training room, the forest, the library even… he searches them all for any traces of Kanda but to no avail.
The Japanese is simply nowhere to be found.
Instead, Allen runs into Bookman, and when he notices the look of disappointment, exasperated resignation, and sympathy in his eyes… his blood runs cold. Especially when the man has a suitcase on the floor beside him but no Lavi. Lavi is nowhere to be seen.
Allen knows he should ask Bookman. Where is Lavi? Where has Lavi gone off to? Does 'Lavi' still exist, even? Allen knows he should ask Bookman, but he finds it too difficult to say the words when he has a gut feeling he won't like the answers.
Still, Bookman answers his unspoken questions, like he'd been waiting for Allen to ask and it doesn't matter if the words are articulated out loud or simply left hanging in the air.
Lavi has left, the man says. Left with only a short note on his desk addressed to his mentor of many, many years. It is a note apologizing and asking for forgiveness for being unable to continue walking down the path of a bookman. It is a note that says that he will continue to record history, but in his own way. It is a note signed by Lavi, the boy's 49th persona that seems will also be his last.
Before Allen can escape, Bookman tells him the news that he has dreaded hearing all these years: Kanda has left too. Left, with only a short note of farewell addressed to General Tiedoll, Marie, Lenalee and Komui.
The note does not include Allen's name, and Allen is not sure if he should be happy that Kanda did not bid him farewell, or if he should be upset for the same reason.
Just as Allen stands in the corridor uncertain and worried, he notices the look Bookman gives him again, and this time, the sympathy seems to outweigh the disappointment and resignation that no doubt stemmed from Lavi's disappearance.
They must have left together, Bookman says.
Allen, shaken out of his thoughts, glares at the old man defiantly. That sympathetic look irks him to no ends.
They must have left together, Bookman repeats.
Allen's glare hardens, and he replies rebelliously that just because Lavi and Kanda disappeared at about the same time doesn't mean they left together. And even if they'd left together, there is no proof that Kanda let it happen willingly. Maybe Lavi had simply followed Kanda for old times' sake. Lavi always did like to tease Kanda.
Bookman does not say anything more. He merely shakes his head, sighs, and totters away silently.
Of course Lavi and Kanda didn't leave together. Why would they? Allen merely clenches his fists tighter before gathering his thoughts to tell Komui and Lenalee that he is leaving as well.
He is going to find Kanda.
And for months, the Japanese is all that occupies his thoughts. In his mind's eyes, Allen can still see the exotic Japanese's every arrogant smirk that fades away into hardened determination in battle, every cold stare that melts at the sight of his favourite food and every disgruntled scoff that sounds so much softer in Lenalee's presence. Allen even remembers the sound Mugen makes as it slices through the air.
It is impossible for Allen to forget Kanda.
As he walks down the streets, Allen's eyes are constantly seeking out long, black, silky tresses, be it tied up in a neat ponytail or let loose in a cascading flow. Lying awake in bed on cold nights, Allen's ears hear the soft snoring he remembered hearing on the few joint missions he had with Kanda. And when his mind is not occupied with all of his memories, Allen's heart feels as though it is empty.
Allen does not know why or how he fell so hard for Kanda.
But he realizes that it is futile to try and figure that out for it is not only a waste of effort, it is also a waste of precious time he could spend looking for him.
Sometimes Allen thinks he's gone insane, loving someone as deeply as he does.
And some months later, when he finally sees Kanda again, Allen doesn't think he's gone insane anymore.
Because even when Lavi, sitting right beside Kanda on that park bench, kisses Kanda softly on his lips and Kanda doesn't resist, a part of Allen is still chanting the man's name and another part of him wants him to move his body and take Kanda away. Even when Lavi touches their foreheads together and Kanda merely blushes lightly, Allen still feels a part of him telling him that the moment Kanda notices him, he will fall for him and leave with him.
He will, he will, he will.
But the other part of Allen keeps him where he is, rooted behind that huge shedding tree a distance away from the park bench, and the part of him stops him from moving an inch until Lavi and Kanda leave the park together, fingers entangled together loosely.
When their silhouettes disappear into the distance, Allen's legs finally give way, the pile of dried leaves making a sick crunching sound as he falls onto them. Winter has yet to arrive, and yet Allen thinks it's the coldest winter he's ever experienced.
His mind does not stop chanting.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
His mind replays the kiss he'd just witnessed.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
He will never forget how Kanda blushed for Lavi and Lavi alone.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
They looked so in love and happy together when they left hand in hand.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Somewhere above him, Allen hears the final calls of a far-off raven. The sound is mocking to his ears.
I love you, I love you, I love you…
But will you ever love me?
A/N: I was honestly gonna write a LaviYuu fic in Allen's POV, and it turned out to be more Yullen than LaviYuu. Oops. XD