Author's Note: I'm pretty sure this will be the last one. But I'm a liar, so you never know.

The Newlyweds

"House, look at this!" Wilson called from the kitchen.

House looked up from the TV and scowled at the newspaper that Wilson seemed to be interested in.

"I can't see it from here, so if you want me to look then you need to bring it to the cripple."

Wilson rolled his eyes, but left his morning coffee to join House on the couch. He pointed to the announcement and waited for the reaction.

"Damn Cuddy. I told her not to."

"In fairness, you only forbid her from having our picture printed. You only said she would live to regret the announcement itself."

"I guess I'll have to keep my word." He grinned evilly.

"No, you are not to give her a hard time. It was really nice of her to have the ceremony at her place and there's nothing wrong with a little announcement."

"You like this, don't you? You like the announcement and all the wedding planning with Cuddy. You're such a girl."

"Am not."

"You so are."

"Come on we should get going or we'll miss our flight." He took the paper back into the kitchen, cut out the announcement and stuck it into an envelope that had already been carefully addressed. "I noticed going on the honeymoon was the only part of all my wedding planning that you haven't had a problem with."

"Of course not. Posh hotel room, booze, sex. How can I complain about that?"

"I don't know, but if anyone could find a way it would be you. You finished packing, right?"

"No, because I knew you would pack for me. All I need is my PSP and my iPod."

From the bedroom suddenly came the electronic music of a cell phone to the tune of "Here comes the Bride." Wilson turned to glare at House.

"You changed my ringtone again?"

He shrugged. Two days before the ceremony House had stolen his phone and downloaded the special ringtone as a prank. Unfortunately Wilson didn't know this until he was trying to have a very serious conversation with a patient. It took him a moment to realize that the offensive sound was coming from his own lab coat pocket. He dug it out and saw on the caller ID that it was House. He answered with "You are going to die" and hung up again, apologizing to his patient. It had been a back and forth game to House since then.

"Who has a plain ringtone anymore? You have to have something with some style."

Wilson let out an exasperated sigh and went to answer it. A moment later House heard a very distressed tone and turned the TV off to determine who Wilson was talking to.

"No, it's not like that. …. Of course not! How could you-- … That was different. … It just was. … I'm not saying that it was right. Just different. Don't be like this."

House now had several theories about who Wilson was talking to and they were all ex-wives. Wilson wandered into the living room, one hand holding the phone to his ear and the other rubbing the back of his neck. Great. Just what he needed was to be all stressed out today. Whichever bitch had called was making him feel guilty and he would spend the entire flight obsessing over it.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

He caught House's eyes and mouthed "Julie." Even better. Julie always had made him feel like shit. She had this way of implying that he was to blame for all their problems even when she was the one cheating.

"Just hang up on her."

Wilson waved House off just to listen to more of her abuse.

"No, I never meant to hurt you. … No that wasn't a confession! I never cheated on you with House!"

Now House was laughing and Wilson moved into the kitchen to get away from it.

"I swear I didn't. … No, it was only that one time and I told you about her. … Well, I'm sorry you had to find out about it like this. … I would never do that on purpose. … Really. If I'd thought that you would be this upset about it then I would have told you before."

House braced himself for the reaction she would have to that. Sure enough he could hear her shrill scream through the phone and into the living room.

"Of course I didn't want to upset you myself!"

Wilson was getting desperate. There was no winning with that woman. House finally stood and limped into the kitchen. He watched Wilson's pitiful attempts at making peace with Julie until he couldn't take it anymore.

"But why, James? Why House?" she cried into the phone.

House grabbed Wilson's blackberry from him.

"Hi, Julie," he began in his fake-cheerful tone.

"House, what are you doing?" Wilson asked, worried.

"So nice to talk to you. It's been so long," House continued.

"I never did understand what he saw in you as a friend, but this is just too much! Why would he marry you of all people?!"

"Well, it's really the same reason that he cheated on you with that nurse. I give great head. And you don't."

With that he pushed the end call button. He tossed the device back to Wilson who managed to catch it despite his shock and horror.

"I thought we had a plane to catch."

"You just hung up on Julie."

"Yep. Something you should have started doing a long time ago. You're too nice, but I'm not."

"You're already acting like a jealous wife?"

"Well I have to claim my territory. Besides I only told the truth."

"Well she didn't need to know that I thought she was bad in bed."

"Without criticism how can we ever improve? I did her a favor."

"Right. I'm sure she sees it that way."

"Let's get out of here."

Wilson nodded and went into the bedroom to get their bags. House put on his jacket and grabbed his backpack. Wilson dropped the luggage next to him while he pulled on his own jacket and checked to make sure he had his wallet and keys.

"I told you and Cuddy that announcement would be nothing but trouble. You're going to be bothered by this the rest of the day. All you'll be able to think of is your poor ex-wives and how devastated they'll be when they find out. And poor Julie and how hurt her feelings are now."

"Trust me," said Wilson, smiling up at him. "Once we're out that door, alone, Julie will be the very last thing on my mind."

"No obsessing over everyone seeing that announcement today?"

"Nope. The only people who really matter already know and we are going to have a good time. I refuse to think about anyone else except you and me."

House snorted in amusement. "Yeah, that'll happen. You compulsively think about everyone else."

Wilson stroked the side of his face. "Only you this week." He leaned in for a tender, but brief kiss. "We will be late if we wait any longer."

House nodded and started out the door. Just as Wilson was locking up behind them another electronic tune started.

Goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married.
Goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married.
Gee I really love you and we're gonna get married.
Goin' to the chapel of love.

House stopped abruptly, grabbing through his pockets to find his phone. He looked back at Wilson while the ringtone began to repeat itself. "You messed with my phone?"

Wilson gave him a sweet smile. "All's fair in love and war."

House watched him take their things out to the car, grinning. He had a whole plane ride ahead of him in which to debate what Wilson's next ringtone would be. It was a close tie between "Like a Virgin" and "Barbie Girl" at the moment. But really, if they couldn't embarrass each other horribly in public places, then what was the point in getting married?