Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Okay, so I know it's been a really long freaking time since I've updated. Half of you probably got the e-mail notification from and said "WTF is Blush and Bashful? I don't remember reading that!"

Well, I'm sooo ("o" to infinity) sorry I haven't updated in so long. I really didn't mean to let it go so long without updates. For those of you who do not know, I'm an auditor and October – March for me is absolute Hell! So, I really didn't have a whole lot of time to write. I actually did try to write a several times but it felt so forced that I ended up tossing the whole thing. Seriously, I probably scrapped a total of 40 pages that just sucked terribly because I wasn't into it. It felt like I was simply writing for the sake of writing. Catch my drift? Well, I had some down time and decided to re-read what I have written so far and the writing bug bit me in the ass and the story became part of me again. You know, during my hiatus, I really had a hard time identifying with my characters which is why what I had tried to write ended up being a fetid pile of garbage. But I've got my mind back in synch with Jasper's so this chapter flew out of me like a bad case of diarrhea (okay, I admit that was a tacky analogy).

Speaking of this chapter, this is really more of a chapter for those of you who have not read this story in a long time (which is most of you). It kind of serves as an update for what's happened so far, although it does advance the story a little further into the future. Plus, it also serves as how Jasper views the last several months of his life, from his perspective obviously. For those of you who are reading this continuously from the beginning, you may want to skim the "journal entries" section until you come to something new. I guess I just wanted to give you all a little refresher before fully diving back into the story after so goddamn long! Oh, and those lines break up where the journal entry thoughts begin and end. I had my columns adjusted for such in Word and it didn't translate here so just as an FYI when you're reading that and trying to figure out if it's "live" or from the journal.

Okay, so those were probably the longest author's notes in the history of fanfic, but what the fuck ever! It's my story and I'll do what I want! ;-) So, after nearly 6 months of waiting, here's Chapter 15. Enjoy!

Chapter 15

"Happy New Year," Jacob whispered into my ear before kissing my lobe. I groggily opened my eyes to see him propped up on one elbow staring down at me, giving me a beautiful dose of that concentrated sunshine I needed to start my morning. I yawned, stretched, and then gave him a little smirk.

"Your New Year kiss from last night was better," I retorted, pushing him over and rolling on top, straddling his waist.

We continued wrestling around, pecking at each other's mouths until he finally looked over at the clock and groaned. "Ugh, I've got to get going. I have to be home at 9 so we can be on the road by 10." I couldn't help but feel a little sad due to the fact I wasn't going to see him all weekend. Christ, you spend every waking moment together. One weekend apart won't fucking kill you! Yeah, I know it won't kill me but that doesn't mean I have to like it! See, he and his dad were taking a little trip to Seattle to visit his sister since she wasn't able to make it back home for Christmas.

"And while I'm gone, will you please finally open that damn laptop box and set it up? You've had it a week now and it's still sitting in the box." That's true. I could actually use my Christmas gift from the 'rents.

I walked Jake out to his car and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Have a safe trip, Boo Boo," I whispered before planting a wet one on that warm and inviting mouth. I felt a subtle stir in my pants just thinking about the joys that warm, inviting mouth can bring a person. Jenna Jamison eat your fucking heart out!

"We will. Try not to miss me too much while I'm gone," he quipped, winking as he sat down in his car and attempted to pull the door closed before I stopped it, climbed in and straddled his lap. "C'mon Jazz! Stop making this harder than it already is for me."

I reached down between us and groped him through his jeans. "Not quite hard yet, but we're getting there," I moaned, leaning in and sticking my tongue in his mouth.

"Jesus Christ Jasper! Now I'm gonna have blue balls all the way to Seattle!" He gently nudged me, hinting at me that I really needed to get off of him so he could get home. Before I was completely on my feet, he grabbed my arm and pulled me back into him. "Love you babe. See you Sunday night," he said before kissing me one last time.

"Miss you already," I pouted, pecking his lips. "And I love you more."

"Impossible," he said, pecking my lips one last time before I got up and closed his door. I stood on the porch and watched him pull away. As soon as he was out of my driveway, a cold gust sent chills up my back, reminding me it was January after all. No, it's just because my own personal sun just set for the weekend.

I went inside, smelled the delicious aroma of banana-Nutella pancakes and apple-wood smoked bacon, and made a beeline for the kitchen.

"Morning Honey," my mom said, whisking past and kissing my cheek on her way. "You and Jake want breakfast?" I told her he already left and sat down to drown my sorrows in my food. Wow, I really like to eat when I'm depressed! Thank God my metabolism is so fast because if it weren't and I kept eating like this, I'd be the next contestant on the Biggest Loser.

I finished eating and headed up stairs, catching a glimpse of Garrett on my way. He was sprawled out on the couch, wearing his robe and slippers and looking like he was just a bit hung over.

"C'mon Northwestern! Punch it into the endzone!" he yelled at the TV. Ahh, I forgot. It's New Year's Day…the day Garrett sits in front of the TV watching college football for like fourteen hours straight.

I headed upstairs and began fiddling with my new laptop. Once I got it up and running, it took me another two hours to figure out how to upload the pictures from my new digital camera to my computer. Jake spent way too much money on that…money he really doesn't have. I honestly do feel guilty about accepting the gift, since I knew how much he paid for it.

We had been walking through the mall in Port Angeles a few weeks earlier when I innocently mentioned that I liked the camera after we passed it in a store window. Apparently he took it as some sort of a hint and bought it for me for Christmas.

"Dammit Jake," I remember saying, nearly admonishing him when I saw what was wrapped beneath the sparkly red wrapping paper. "You can't afford this! When I said I liked that camera, I didn't mean…" He put his hand over my mouth to stop me.

"Let me worry about what I can and can't afford. Besides, I really wanted to buy it for you. We don't have nearly enough pictures together and I was hoping you'd take care of that for us."

I continued uploading the pictures to my laptop, glancing through the all of the pictures we took within the last week that nearly had my memory full. I couldn't help but laugh at the pictures from last night at Edward's house. The Cullens always throw a pretty kickin' New Years Eve bash and it's one of the annual "can't miss events" here in Forks. There had to have been over a hundred people there, between the adults and the teens. Most of the HoFam was there as well as their parents.

This was the first time my parents had meet Dr. and Mrs. Cullen since Rosalie and Emmett started dating. Of course, my mom and Mrs. Cullen hit it off immediately, although I'm surprised Mrs. Cullen didn't slap my mother when she was introduced to Dr. Cullen. Even my mother couldn't help but be awestruck and tongue-tied when she met the good doctor. Yeah, but at least Mom didn't pop wood and say something about wishing he was her daddy.

I came across a picture taken by Jacob at one point later in the evening when Dr. Cullen, who was obviously a little tipsy, put his arm around my shoulder, asking why I hadn't been around recently. My body started to tingle at his touch and when I caught a whiff of his scent, my knees nearly buckled. I couldn't even manage a coherent response that didn't make my face explode. My face in the picture looked like I was getting ready to jizz my pants. Of course Jake thought it was fucking hilarious. The following picture was a close-up of Dr. Cullen's crotch. Thank you, Jake!

I also found the picture I remember taking of Jake and Mrs. Cullen hugging. She was nearly in tears when she saw him walk through her front door. This one made me smile. There were so many pictures that made me laugh from that night. One of the funniest was a picture of Jake standing behind Emmett pretending to grab his ass followed by a picture of Emmett realizing Jake was standing behind him pretending to grab his ass. That's when Emmett grabbed Jake's hand and pressed it against his ass. I thought Jake was going to die of embarrassment. Hey, at least it wasn't me this time!

After I got done uploading all the pictures I wanted to keep and deleting the ones that were just god-awful, I started rummaging through a box of shit that I had kept after I threw out my old computer before the move. That's when I found my USB key with a bunch of files I had completely forgotten about, including my journal. Yes, I keep a fucking journal. Just don't call it a diary!

I opened the file and realized I hadn't updated it since before I left San Francisco. My last entry was the day before I left. I kept going on and on about how I didn't want to leave, how much I was going to hate Forks, etc. There was one line that made me chuckle. 'I bet all of the boys up there are ugly and fat and I'm never going to get laid.' Shit, that couldn't have been further from the truth! This place is fucking eye-candy central! Then the thought occurred to me that I had a lot of updating to do in this journal…four months worth to be precise. Well, it's not like I have anything better to do all weekend!

Journal Entry – 1/1/2010

Well, it's been four months since I've updated and so much shit has happened during that time that it blows my mind to think about it! Forks wasn't at all what I was expecting. Okay, it was a little bit in that it's a pretty Podunk place and it rains all the time, but I never expected to actually love it here!

My first week of fucking school was utterly horrific!! I made an absolute ass out of myself at every available opportunity. Let's see. I basically walked around school with a constant erection on my first day. Why did I walk around school with a constant erection on my first day? Because there is hotness all around! This one guy named Edward Cullen, who looked like a Greek god carved out of the skin of angels, ended up being my Chemistry lab partner and caught me with an erection twice on the first day alone! Then there was this other guy named Jacob Black who looked like a Native American sun god in that he's carved out of pure sunshine. He ended up being my lab partner in Anatomy and told me after class that he was gay and had been out since junior high. Well, this unexpected announcement apparently caused me to become flustered and do this really lame fist pump and announce [cringe] "Hooray for Gay!" I thought I was going to have to drop out of school. Even my teacher laughed at me! Of course I cried like the bitch that I am.

So, more about the two boys. It was evident immediately that they hated each other. Like nasty fucking hate. And they also both play trumpet and I had to sit between them in band. Talk about uncomfortable. I knew there was history and I was bound to get to the bottom of it!

So, those aren't even the worst things that happened to me that first week. Umm, let's see. I was staring at Jacob Black, rubbing myself through my jeans when the girl next to me, Angela, who is now my BFF and became my first friend in Forks, caught me and cornered me. I ended up coming out to her and crying again. Yes, I fucking cried again, which I was really hoping wasn't becoming a habit, but it felt AMAZING to finally tell someone!

Then the worst of the worst of the worst happened. GYM! Yes, I have gym at this fucking school. I was done with it back home but not here in good ole Forks! But I digress. Guess who I got stuck having lockers between in gym? That's right! Jacob Black and Edward Cullen. While they were changing, I couldn't take my eyes off of their crotches and of course they noticed. Jacob even said something along the lines of "you like?" I shot up in embarrassment and realized I had a boner…that was sticking out of my boxers!! And of fucking course the boys noticed. I ran out of the gym, crying, because that's apparently what I do best…that and get boners. Luckily the boys ran out after me and brought me my clothes since I was running through the school parking lot barefoot and in my underwear. They were really nice to me and even seemed to put aside their differences to help me out. It was nice to meet such great people that had quickly become really good friends.

I guess I should back up a little bit. Sadly, Edward is straight, or so I thought at this point because he was dating this girl named Lauren. She's a worthless whore who is the queen of all cunts in this universe and I'll get to why later. Edward and Lauren seemed to have one group of friends and Jacob seemed to have this other group of friends. And the way it works here in Forks is that all of the smart kids kind of stayed together. Jacob referred to us as the "HoFam," short for Honors Family. That very term nearly got me mauled to death in between one of the epic Cullen/Black battles. Well, anyway, in the HoFam, battle lines were clearly drawn. It was literally divided between Team Edward and Team Jacob. Almost everyone picked a side except my new BFF Angela and this other kid Eric, who I originally thought was really yucky but who is actually much cooler than I originally thought. Well, it caused a bit of tension that I wanted to be friends with both and didn't want to have to choose a side. I came close one day in gym to figuring out what their deal was when I overheard them arguing, apparently about me, and they almost got into a fight.

So, I ended up giving them both my number (separately of course) and told them that they could call me if they needed to talk. Pretty ballsy move if you ask me, considering how nervous I was around them. And guess what? They both did! I couldn't believe it! I was so nervous and girly on the phone that I didn't realize Rose was in the room and she saw me and put two and two together and I came out to her too! And since then (you are NEVER going to believe this), we have been really close. I know, right? Rose and I? Close? Who in hell would have EVER seen that coming?

Anyway, Jacob invited me to see a movie with him and Bella one Friday night in Port Angeles, but by some act of God, Bella couldn't make it so it was just me and Jake! SQUEE!! Jake likes a lot of the same things that I like including Fleetwood Mac, the Mama's and the Papa's…and Steel Magnolias!! We even recited movie lines to each other (he does a mean Ouiser Boudreaux) and we sang a pretty good "Dream a Little Dream of Me" together. So, I have no idea what happened but somehow we both got so turned on during the drive to Port Angeles that we both creamed our jeans! Seriously! How the hell does something like that happen? Well, I don't know, but it did! Obviously by this point Jake figured out that I was gay too. I don't remember exactly what I said that tipped him off but anyway, it happened and I'm glad it did!

We went and saw that movie about the girl and the vampire. It was pretty lame…for what I saw of it anyway. The reason I didn't see the entire movie was because unbelievably, Edward fucking Cullen had come to see the same movie…with that skanktastic girlfriend of his! But that didn't stop him from coming on to me in the bathroom, asking me to sniff his junk or something. It was pretty weird yet extremely HOT! Anyway, during the movie, Edward got up to go to the bathroom and said something which sent Jake into a rage and he chased him out. I had to make sure they weren't going to kill each other so I followed. I stood on the other side of the bathroom door and listened to them argue and I finally got the story about why they hate each other. Get this! Edward and Jacob actually used to be best friends…and romantically involved! And something happened where Edward outed Jake and punched him or something because he didn't want anyone to know he was gay and they hated each other ever since. I swear you can't make this shit up! What I didn't tell you was why they were fighting in the first place…OVER ME! Yes, over me! Jake was pissed that Edward finally wanted to come out since I came to town. Well, needless to say they caught me listening and both got pissed at me for eavesdropping, but it's not like I could NOT listen! I'd been DYING to hear the story!

Well, Jake and I ended up out on the street, not long before Edward and that frumpy ass She-Devil came out. She, being the cunt that she is, made a snide remark about "that fag," referring to Jake, and Edward went into a total tizzy! He fucking annihilated her like Julia Sugarbaker from Designing Women, telling her that he used to fuck around with Jake and that he wanted to (let me see if my memory serves me well) "throw me down and fuck me right there on the sidewalk." He also told her that Jacob gives better head than she ever will! He ended up storming off and leaving her there stranded! (I swear once again that you just can't make this shit up!)

Well, the drama of the night didn't end there. On the way home, Jake started talking about the past and all the shit that happened with Edward and broke down. Come to find out, all the shit that Edward did to him after that and all the shit he took in school made him try to kill himself! And he ended up in a psych ward in Seattle. One night when his parents were driving home, they got into a bad accident that killed his mom and paralyzed his dad and he blamed himself. I could literally feel my heart breaking for this boy right there!

Well, after I got him calmed down, we had this total make out session on the hood of his car! YES! I finally had my first real kiss!! Then, after we got back to my place, we started making out again in his car. We got so into it that we actually broke his fucking car seat! Let's just say that pants were off (exposing the most beautiful cock that has ever been crafted) and we both ended up jizzing all over each other! When we were done, the porch light came on and I knew we were caught! Luckily it was only Rose and not Mom or Garrett but still, it was pretty mortifying because she basically knew what we were doing.

Okay, so all of this happened literally the first fucking week of school! The following Monday, shit got out about Edward and everyone started asking us questions. Edward showed up late…and drunk, and essentially outed me to the whole class! He fucking kissed me and told me he knew I wanted him more than Jake. Edward got sent home and suspended and it felt like all eyes were on me for the rest of the day (well, like they hadn't been already being the new guy with the perpetual hard-on and all).

During lunch that day, Jessica Stanley cornered me, asking me if I was Jake's boyfriend. Before I could think, I basically answered yes and on that day, September 7, 2009, I officially had my first official boyfriend! Everyone seemed really happy for us, even some of the Team Edward people!

Shoot to later that evening, guess who shows up soaking wet on my doorstep? Edward fucking Cullen! He came over to apologize and we talked some. I ended up driving him home (which got me into a shitload of trouble with Mom by the way). We talked a lot and I got his side of the story. He had been beating himself up for the whole Jake thing for years. Well, I ended up telling Jake that I took Edward home and we got into a fight at school. Jake came over later to apologize, brought me a rose (with the lyrics to The Rose written out) and a teddy bear and we made out again. But it went further than that. Jake actually gave me a blowjob! Jesus Christ on a cross was it the best fucking thing EVER!

As I was showing Jake out that night, Mom caught us kissing in the hallway. I thought I was a dead man for sure! But she was actually really cool about it! We even did tequila shots together, which was really weird. I guess she had always known I was gay and was waiting for me to come out. I guess doing the Madonna routines for her, Uncle Mark and Uncle Steve tipped her off a long time ago. Also really weird, she used to be a total fag hag! Garrett found out that night too, and he was also very cool about it.

Mom actually invited Jake to dinner and he came. Also in attendance was Edward's hot as fuck brother Emmett, who started dating Rosalie. He and Jake jabbed at each other playfully all through dinner which was nice to see. After dinner, Jake and I went up to my room to watch a movie and passed out. We actually slept the whole night like that! Luckily Mom called his dad and told him he'd be staying over or else he'd have been up a shit creek without a paddle! Mom also thinks it's a fucking hoot to keep giving me condoms which #1 -I didn't need yet, and #2 -was really fucking mortifying! But anyway, it was nice to have breakfast with my family and my boyfriend! It was all so surreal! Oh, and I told Jake that I loved him…and he told me he loved me too! Yeah, I know! Who the hell says "I love you" after knowing someone just over a week, but I did. I guess when you know, you know.

I ended up seeing Angela later that day after Jake stayed over and we decided we would all hang out in Port Angeles. I told her about Jake and also told her that I wanted him and Edward to be friends again, and she took it upon herself to invite Edward to the movie that night! After dinner, the conversation veered off course and Edward told Jake that he loved him back then, which sent me into a complete panic attack because I thought they were going to get back together. Apparently I'm an insecure fool. But the good thing was that Jake and Edward talked and were able to finally start to work through some of their shit which made me extremely happy.

I finally got to meet Jake's dad and he seems really cool too. He's kind of regal, being an old Indian Chief or something. He and Jake had a heart-to-heart and he finally came to terms with Jake being gay. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I finally sucked my first dick (Jacob's, not his dad's)…and apparently I'm really good at it!

Kate and Garrett finally bought me a cell phone! I know, welcome to the 90's, right? Anyway, Jake and I ended up taking naughty pics of ourselves and texting them to each other. Well, one day Jake lost his phone in class and I'm finally getting to the part as to why Lauren Mallory is the Queen Bitch from Hell! She found his phone and texted the pics of us to nearly everyone in the fucking school! I wanted to die! Then bad-ass Bella came in with a mean right hook and clocked the bitch right in the jaw! Well, we all ended up being suspended for three days which was kind of lucky because I had no idea how I was ever going to be able to walk into that school again!

School after that was kind of awkward at first. Yeah, people pointed and snickered when we'd pass them in the hall but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Some of the girls would look us up and down and nod which of course made me extremely embarrassed and self conscious. Edward still mocks us sometimes, pretending to stare at his phone and lick his lips in front of us,. Well, at least I think he's pretending since I know he never deleted the pictures. There's even this one boy in the grade behind us that blushes and looks away every time I pass him in the hall. Well at least I have an idea what the next generation of Forks High School class fags is going to look like.

Luckily our little suspensions didn't prevent us from going to the Homecoming dance that following weekend. Edward ended up going with Katie who asked him to go with her out of spite since that bitch Lauren ended up ostracizing all of her remaining friends. Jake and I went to the dance, but not technically together. He took Bella and I took Angela. We really only fast danced together because we didn't want to ruffle too many feathers. And another great thing happened that night. Angela danced with little Ben Cheney, a boy in our class who Ang had the hots for and now they're dating! Oh and Katie ended up dancing with Eric Yorkie, the boy I used to think was a total dweeb. That boy could bust a fucking move! Well, he ended up wooing her and they're now dating too!

After the dance, Jake and I decided that it was time to really get some use out of some of those condoms that Mom so happily gave us. The whole idea of sex scared the hell out of us both but we're in love so we could and should do this, right? Neither of us knew what we were doing, but every other experience we had was great so this had to be too, right? WRONG! Ahh, I remember it all so vividly! To channel my inner Sophia Petrillo, "Picture it. Forks, 2009…"

I laughed and cringed while I updated my journal on the whole debacle. When I was finished, I saved my progress and went down to sit with Garrett to watch some football for a little while. Well, with Jake gone, it's not like I have much else to do and writing so much is making my hands cramp up. I watched the Rose Bowl with him for a bit, which couldn't hold my attention, so I went back up to my room and read a bit. Even reading, I couldn't help but think back on that fateful night that was my 'first time' with Jake.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Jake asked me, wanting to know with absolute certainty that I was ready. "We don't have to do this right now."

"Jake, I love you more than my own life and yes I'm absolutely certain this is what I want." We had decided earlier that for our first time, he would 'pitch' and I would 'catch.' We had also being doing some research in the form of gay porn to get some sort of an idea of what it was that we were supposed to fucking do.

We were both lying naked in my bed, both at full mast and ready to sail this boat. I helped him sheathe his dong and apply plenty of lube to both his cock and my hole because from what I read, we were going to need it! He lowered himself, pushing my knees up toward my face. He leaned down and got right in my face. "Ready?"

"Ready," I replied. He brought the tip of his cock to my opening and started sliding against it. I was so nervous that I was completely tensing up, especially down where I really needed to not be tense!

"Relax, babe," he said, trying to reassure me. I tried to loosen up my body, allowing my pucker to ease up a bit. I laid my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes. He repositioned himself so our parts lined up the way they were supposed to. He rubbed his head against my hole and gently started pushing in. I winced a bit but tried not to show it, but of course he immediately noticed.

"You alright?" he asked, visibly concerned.

"Mmhmm," I grunted, trying to put on a brave face.

"Like I told you before, if at any time this gets to be too much for you, we're done. I can't bear to think about hurting you like this."

"Jake, I'm fine," I pleaded with him. "And I'm ready. Let's do this."

He pushed a little further into me and I winced again, but less noticeably because he didn't say anything. I couldn't tell how closely he was watching me because my eyes were locked shut. Well, this isn't so bad. Not at all what I was expecting but it could be worse, right? I mean, this isn't exactly what I would call comfortable let alone pleasurable but I can manage just a little bit of pain.

Then he pushed deeper into me and it felt like my insides were being ripped apart. Imagine having to take the biggest shit of your life, but instead of pushing it out, imagine having it shoved back into you. Oh my fucking God! So this is what this feels like? This is fucking terrible! Do people really do this on a regular basis…and actually like it?

"You good?" he asked before moving another muscle. I nodded my head quickly, essentially telling the biggest lie I have ever told anyone in my life. "Jasper, are you sure?" he asked sternly. I nodded my head more slowly this time, trying to channel some inner serenity that had to exist somewhere in deep in my core. Well, if it's that deep down in my core, I'm pretty sure he's going to push it right out of my mouth!

Then he started slowly thrusting himself in and out of me. We both moaned but his was one of pleasure and mine most certainly was not. He kept gliding his length back and forth, quickening his pace with every motion. His breath began to shorten and his moans became more frequent. Then he really started humping, driving himself as deep inside of me as it could go. I clenched my teeth and my face strained into a grimace. He kept going, faster and faster and his grip on my ankles tightened as he was about to climax. By this point, I was starting to feel numb and I had tears involuntarily rolling down my cheeks. I opened my eyes to see his head thrown back and his eyes closed. He had beads of sweat dripping off his brow.

"Oh my God! I'm about to cum!" he grunted loudly as he released. I could feel his cock twitch inside of me, letting me know that he had just spewed. He collapsed down on top of me, panting heavily. His cock slipped out of me and I finally felt relief. Oh thank God! Thank the fucking lord he hasn't learned some sort of tantric shit that Sting does where he can literally go all night because there's no way I could have handled that.

"Wow that was…" he said, trailing off once he finally opened his eyes and noticed the tears on my cheek.

"God fucking dammit, Jasper!!" He jumped off of me and stood up, looking at my body and noticing that I was completely flaccid. He knew there was no way I could have enjoyed myself. His eyes started to water and his body trembled. He kneeled down on the bed and brought his face to mine. "Did I hurt you?" he asked trying to choke back a sob. "Why the fuck didn't you say anything?" He maneuvered his hands under my back and pulled me up into a bear hug, caressing my back and head.

"It wasn't that bad. Plus, I didn't want to ruin it. I wanted to make you happy." I choked out, trying to downplay the whole experience.

"There's no way I could ever be happy knowing I caused you pain. Oh Jasper, I'm sooo sorry," he said, sobbing into my neck.

"No, no, Jake. It wasn't that bad. Really!" And by some twist of fate, I was now comforting him, even after the ordeal I had just been through. "Don't feel bad! I kind of…liked it." LIAR!!

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," he said, sniffling. "It was supposed to be wonderful and magical and this was supposed to be the way for us to bond…for me to show you just how much I love you and now you equate my love for you with something rotten and awful!"

"Dammit, Jake! Listen to me," I scorned, pulling his face so I could look deep into his eyes. "It was wonderful," (Liar!) "and it was magical," (Liar, liar!) "and I already know how much you love me. It wasn't rotten or awful," (Liar, liar pants on fire!) "I promise." (Keep it up and you'll find a one way ticket to Hell on your nightstand!)

Yep, I replayed the whole experience in my head like it was only yesterday. I mean, who could really forget their first time? Well, after about a month's worth of deliberating, we ended up trying it again, only this time I topped and we both realized that this was the way it was supposed to work for us. And I knew he wasn't lying to me like I was to him because he was not only hard the whole way through it but he shot his load without even touching himself. Ahh, sweet success!

Reminiscing over my love-making with Jake only made me sad again that we was gone so I did the one thing I knew would make me feel better…eat! I headed down to the kitchen and grabbed a spoon, a pint of Ben and Jerry's and dug in. After gorging and feeling absolutely disgusted with myself, I bundled up and went for a walk to try to burn off the thousand calories I had just inhaled. He's not going to want you if you're fat, you know!

I stopped by Angela's to wish her a Happy New Year, but didn't stay long because she was on her way out the door to go see Ben. I ran into Bella on my way back and she invited me over to her place to hang out so I went. I ended up staying most of the day which was fine because it was a nice distraction. It was kind of nice to spend some one-on-one time with her because we never really get the chance and she and I seem to click really well.

I went to bed early that night, trying not to think about Jake, but I ended up going through all those pictures of me and Jake again. The next morning I got up and tried to think of ways to keep myself busy. I cleaned my room, which really didn't need it but I did it anyway, helped my mom fold laundry, which made her check my temperature, and sat and watched even more football with Garrett, which left me bored out of my mind!

I headed back upstairs to play around online and decided to finish updating my journal. I read back through, made some grammatical corrections I didn't initially catch and picked back up where I had left off.

Journal Entry – 1/2/2010

So, Mom ended up inviting Jake and his dad over for Thanksgiving, which they initially didn't commit to because they were supposed to go over to Bella Swan's place. So, she invited the Swan's over too and they accepted. My parents, Garrett especially, really hit off with Billy (Jake's dad) and Charlie (Bella's dad). The men enjoyed some football on TV after dinner and even started going fishing together on the weekends.

Oh, and speaking of parents, I finally met Edward's parents and I understand where he got his good looks. His father…oh my fucking GOD his father! Dr. Carlisle Cullen is so fucking hot that he makes movie stars want to go jump off a bridge for being so inferior! Well, in true Jasper style, I made an ass of myself and popped a boner in front of him. I swear I'll never learn to control that thing! Speaking of my control issues, I realized that I was still really attracted to Edward. This was really hard for me to comprehend you know, with me being so madly in love with Jacob and all. I guess this is something I'm still working through which is tough because apparently he's attracted to me too, which doesn't help things one bit.

I was able to suppress my insane attraction to Edward because I was falling more in love with Jake by the minute. He and I were spending every waking moment of our lives together, which was totally awesome. He was either at my place or I was at his. On the nights he had to work, I sat at the shop and watched him and his dad work on cars. It always fascinated me how he could make twisted little pieces of metal into something great. Plus he looked sexy as hell all covered in grease! And those jeans he wears to work! God, his ass looks good in those!! Billy never grew tired of me being there, or if he did, he hasn't let on. He seems to like the fact that I actually enjoy being there and that I make his son so happy.

Mom was worried that we might get sick of each other but it never happened. The more time we spent together the more time we wanted to spend together. We didn't completely monopolize each other's time though as we included Bella, Angela and Ben, Katie and Eric, sometimes Jessica, Mike, and Tyler, and even Edward in a lot of our plans. We had really grown close as a group over the last few months which was fantastic. Jake and Edward still kept a slight distance from one another, but they were definitely a lot more amicable. They even began calling each other "friend" again, which elated me.

Christmas came and went, with me and Jake spending Christmas Eve together and exchanging our gifts. Jake bought me this really nice digital camera that I knew he couldn't afford but bought anyway. I bought him a nice watch, and had our initials engraved in the back. I also bought us a couple of tickets to go see Lady Gaga in Seattle in March which will be so much fun! He seemed really excited about that one! Ooh, and I also got this great little laptop from my folks, which is what I'm currently writing this on!

Then on New Year's Eve, we went to the Cullen's place for their annual New Year's Eve party, which was so much fun. Most of our friends were there and my parents seemed to hit it off with the Cullens. Oh yeah, speaking of the Cullens, Rose and Emmett are starting to get more serious and are planning on going away to college together. And Rose said Jake and I moved fast!

So now, it's 2010 and I can't believe it! Thinking back, 2009 started off pretty good. I was living in San Francisco, finishing my sophomore year of high school and starting to finally come into my own there. Then my parents drop this bombshell on me that we were moving to a small town in Washington. I thought for sure my life would be over, but it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. I made great friends, finally bonded with my sister, and met the love of my life. Let's see, in 2009 I had my first real boyfriend, had my first real kiss, and lost my virginity. While the whole experience wasn't completely drama free, I couldn't have ever dreamed it would have been as amazing as it has been.

When Jake and I shared our New Year's kiss, we each thanked God, and the bank back in San Francisco that laid off Garrett, for setting the wheels in motion that brought us together. We both promised that we'd make 2010 even more spectacular than 2009 was, and knowing how much we both mean it, I know it definitely will be.

So journal, now you know what I've been up to these last few months. Now that I have this laptop, I promise to keep you updated so I don't have to cram four months' worth of excitement into one entry. Wait, did I really just make a promise to a fucking journal as if it were a real person? Yeah, I guess I did. Well, who cares if I sound weird because this is for my eyes only. I hope to read you again one day sometime in the distant future and be able recapture the emotions and relive the experiences that helped define who I will have become at that point. But until then, or until my next entry rather, this is Jasper Whitlock signing off. Over and out!