The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
Author's Note: The events of this crossover take place immediately after the first two El Hazard OAVs – the original 7-episode OAV, as well as the 4-episode OAV 2, which I will call "the Kalia OAV" for short, and it also takes places immediately after the first season of the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya anime. For the purposes of this story, assume that El Hazard and the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya both exist in a shared composite universe, and that the events of El Hazard OAVs 1 and 2, and 1st Season Haruhi Suzumiya occurred within the same time frame – we'll shift the time to 2005.
Chapter 1 – The Melancholy of El Hazard
As I walk about this scorching hot desert, barely able to even maintain consciousness or focus as my dry mouth screams for water and my head begs for a pillow to rest upon, my mind can't help but drift towards the insanity that led me here. Like most of the madness in my life over the past year, it finds its catalyst in the form of one Haruhi Suzumiya.
"The Jinnai ruins?" I had posed in rhetorical question to her, skeptical as always of what Haruhi hoped to find with one of her bizarre expeditions, "The Jinnai ruins of Shinonome High School?"
"Yes! Of course, Kyon… don't you see?" she asked of me with her unique mixture of enthusiastic zeal and irritation at my lack thereof, "Three Shinonome High School students, and one teacher, all went mysteriously missing two weeks ago. And this all happened right after one of those students discovered these mysterious ancient ruins beneath the foundation of his school! Don't you know what it means?!"
"Huh… it means that three high school students are playing a particularly cool prank on their school?" I answered apathetically with the first possibility that crossed my mind.
"Kyon, you idiot!" she yelled at me, whacking me over the head with a rolled-up copy of the latest edition of the SOS Brigade's recently started weekly school newspaper, "Two of the three students that went missing were the two top students in the entire school! These aren't the sort of students to play silly pranks, Kyon!"
"Um… you're a top student, Haruhi, and that doesn't stop you from…" I began in protesting reply, as I rubbed my head where Haruhi had struck it.
However, before I could finish, Haruhi began to lean in close to me, unnerving me with that deep penetrating glare of hers. Deciding that discretion was definitively the better part of valor here, I chose to not finish this particular thought of mine.
"W-well, even if they aren't the sort of students to pull pranks, they probably just got lost somewhere in those ruins that they found." I argued.
"If that's the case…" began Haruhi proudly, motioning quickly to stand upright with hands on her hips, and her face beaming, "If the SOS Brigade was to find and rescue these students, we'll be able to get them to tell us all that they know about those ruins… and with us doing all of this, Shinonome High School will be in our debt, and we'll get these three missing students to start up a Shinonome branch of the SOS Brigade!"
At that point, I simply felt an uncomfortably common nauseous sensation of eternal dread come over me. I could only bring my palm to my face over Haruhi's relentless SOS zeal. Save our souls indeed…
"That sounds like a great plan, Haruhi!" chimed in the perpetually cheerful Koizumi, signaling that any objections I had to all of this were overruled as usual.
"Then I can trust you, Vice-Commander, to make the necessary arrangements for us to travel to Shinonome… right?" she asked with a mischievous grin on her face, as Koizumi was now the one to endure Haruhi leaning in on him.
"Of course!" replied Koizumi with energetic approval. At that, Haruhi had made a couple pleasing chuckles beneath her breath while smiling widely. She then turned around 180 degrees, and pointed fervently forward at the door exiting out of the SOS Brigade's club room.
"Then it's off to Shinonome that we go!"
At the time, I had thought this to be yet another one of the pointless wild goose chases that Haruhi so loved to force us to endure like a gym teacher makes his students run twenty laps around a circle just to end up exactly where the students had started. However, unlike the many previous wild goose chases that were more than you could shake a goose hunter at, this particular expedition proved to really, truly involve everything that Haruhi could hope for. The ancient ruins beneath the foundation of Shinonome High really did lead somewhere. Somewhere bizarre. Somewhere possibly alien… …And somewhere in the middle of a vast desert where Koizumi and I will die from thirst and heat exhaustion!
"Koizumi!" I shouted in anger, as a thought of clarity suddenly passed by my mind in spite of the precarious circumstances that Itsuki and I had found ourselves in for hours now, "This is all your doing! This is all your fault!"
A quick jolt of anger-fuelled adrenaline gave me renewed strength, which I used to grab Koizumi's sagging and soaked with sweat white shirt by the lapels, screaming my accusations into his face.
"If you had protested Haruhi's plan like I did, and if you hadn't arranged for transportation to Shinonome, we wouldn't be in this horrid hot humid hell now!" I exclaimed at him.
"Kyon…" he began surprisingly softly, sympathetic to the concerns and emotions of others, as he always admirably is, "I understand where you're coming from. But we had to go on this expedition. Do you remember what Yuki said?"
Yuki… yes, Yuki. After that disorienting flash of brilliant bluish white light, Koizumi and I had somehow become separated from her, Haruhi, and Mikuru. Koizumi and I somehow woke up here in the middle of this inhospitable and seemingly uninhabited desert. Still… Yuki, Haruhi, and Mikuru must be somewhere. Before we left for Shinonome, Yuki had explained to me that this particular expedition was going to be very different. The data entity had informed her about the likely discoveries and perils that would be awaiting us at the ancient ruins beneath Shinonome High School. Yuki brought up the time that her, Itsuki, Mikuru, and I had fought that giant bug-like anomaly, and explained to me that what we were likely to find in Shinonome was going to make that seem like a walk in the park.
"What Yuki warned you about was correct." Koizumi said to me, "But she was also correct about how we needed to go on this expedition. A possible solution to all the concerns and worries that we've had concerning Miss Suzumiya can be found here – in this alien planet."
As usual, Itsuki's soft yet logical tone was enough to soothe me. My anger hence subsided, and I released him from my grip. With a deep sigh, I collapsed to the sandy ground upon my posterior, as my body literally ached for relaxation and relief. Itsuki hence decided to join me by sitting down next to me, albeit with a much more graceful descent.
"I just don't get it, Koizumi." I started, as I looked off into the limitless hazy horizon, "Wasn't the whole point of the SOS Brigade to prevent Haruhi from learning of the existence of extra terrestrials, time travelers, and espers? And now we deliberately bring her along to what you call an alien world?"
"I know that it's hard to understand, Kyon." he replied, "But… I'm afraid that I can't explain everything in detail yet. A lot needs to happen in a very precise series of events in order for the possible solution to our issues with Miss Suzumiya to be realized. Your awareness of what that precise series of events is might possibly jeopardize their likelihood of occurring."
At this rambling rationale, I could merely exhale a deep sigh.
"I guess I'll just have to trust you again, huh?" I asked rhetorically while turning my head sideways to face him, experiencing increasingly common déjà vu yet again.
"That's right." responded Koizumi with his incredibly friendly smile… but this time betraying by his tone of voice that he was slightly amused by the infuriating situations that I continually find myself in.
"In any event…" he continued, "Let's rest here for a few minutes. I'm pretty sure that we'll soon be to a safe spot out of this desert."
"Is that your esper abilities telling you that?" I asked with a grin.
"You could say that." he replied with a small smile.
"And how about the locations of Haruhi, Mikuru, and Yuki?" I asked in turn, "Do your esper abilities give you any clue concerning that?"
"Sadly no." answered Itsuki with the slightest of frowns, "I strongly suspect that they're fine, but it may be awhile before we're reunited with them."
I would later learn that the optimistic portion of Itsuki's suspicions was actually misplaced here. Mikuru, for her part, had found herself on the outskirts of a small village in Durasland, a war-torn nation within the broader Alliance. The people of Durasland were still in great grief and misery, as their nation had endured much destruction, pillaging, and lost of life during the most recent war against the Bugrom Empire. Much of the land was scorched and polluted by the residue of weapons of war. Food was scarce, and building reconstruction efforts proved taxing.
Mikuru, sadly, had found that the money she had with her was useless when she attempted to buy some fruit from a small food stand with a signal operator. Desperate for food, local currency, and shelter, Mikuru had agreed to work as a maid for a small restaurant in the village. Poor beautiful Mikuru would end up stuck in this humble and lonely existence for a few days, before Koizumi and I could find her. However, after a short break and brushing ourselves off in order to continue our trek through the desert, Koizumi and I would soon find a most desperately sought-after oasis in the middle of that desert.
"Koizumi!" I exclaimed in euphoric relief at the sight of the gorgeous oasis encapsulated by a circular wall of lush greenery while pointing in its general direction, "Do you see it, Koizumi?! Thank goodness! Let's get over there right away, Koizumi!"
"Kyon…" responded Koizumi weakly, displaying how the desert conditions had left him in a poor physical state, "Let's not be hasty. We don't know if we're allowed…"
"Oh don't be silly, Koizumi!" I shouted at him, as I started motioning my arms at him in frenzied disbelief, "We're dying from thirst here! We need that water!"
And with that, I began racing wildly towards the oasis! Itsuki merely reached out gingerly towards me in an ineffectual effort to stop my advance.
"Sigh" he released below his breath, "Well, at least I tried to warn him…"
"Sparkling wonderful oasis, here I come!" I shouted with more zest than I ever imagined that I could summon forth, while every last erg of strength that I had went towards propelling my soaking with sweat body towards the oasis as fast as my legs could carry me!
Pushing aside two foreboding but startled guards who could merely yell "Hey, mister, you can't go in there!" at me, I refused to be deterred from taking a swim in the fountain inside. Later I would learn that this fountain was the Holy Fountain of Arliman, which typically no man is allowed to enter. Regrettably, I would need to learn the truth of this law the hard way…
"So, Miz, I guess it's looking up for you and the old man, huh?" asked Shayla Shayla, teasingly of her fellow Priestess, who's retirement would soon be at hand, in a conversation that took place about ten minutes before I arrived at the Holy Fountain of Arliman.
"What do you mean 'old man'?" answered Miz with a protesting question of her own.
"Well, he'd have to be old to be interested in you, Miz." replied Shayla Shayla with a playful smirk.
"Ha!" responded Miz with a haughty and dismissive laugh, "What do you know? Thanks to these wondrously cleansing, relaxing, and purifying waters, my body doesn't look a day over twenty!"
And indeed, at that moment, Miz Mishtal, Shayla Shayla, and Afura Mann were all enjoying a nude or almost nude dip in the virtual hot springs of the Holy Fountain of Arliman.
"At least I'm able to get the man that I'm interested in." added in Miz, responding to Shayla Shayla's tease with a terribly poignant one of her own.
"Hey now!" responded Shayla Shayla, getting very hot and temperamental, "What in the name of the Eye of God is that supposed to mean?!"
"Oh, I'm sure that even you can figure that out, Shayla…" answered Miz, "Losing the affections of a lovely young man to a missing demon goddess of all things… quite shameful for a Priestess of Mount Muldoon!"
"Ok, that tears it!" snarled Shayla Shayla, getting enraged by Miz, "I'm going to make you eat those words – and those words are going to be very well cooked once I'm done with them!"
"Well that's what you get for always making fun of my age, Shayla!" shouted Miz, "Bring it on!"
With that, the two Priestesses began exchanging powerful bolts of explosive fire with condensed streams of pulsating water. When that proved mutually ineffective, the two Priestesses began to grapple with one another, trying to push each other around, while splashing violently about.
"Ladies… ladies…" began Afura Mann in attempted intercession, while waving her hands in the air, "Can't we just enjoy this for a change? The last time we were here, it got ruined by Makoto showing up in the guise of Princess Fatora. With just us awesome Priestesses of Mount Muldoon here, let's just soak up the radiantly refreshing waters, and try to come out of her looking better for it… not worse for wear!"
Surprisingly, Afura managed to get through to Shayla Shayla and Miz this way.
"Hhhmmph!" uttered Miz contemptuously, letting go of Shayla's wrist from her hand, "Very well, Afura. I suppose you have a point."
"Yeah…" responded Shayla, releasing one of Miz's wrists from her grip in turn, "I guess that we should try to get something useful out of this bath for a change…"
After settling down for a bit, the two previously feuding Priestesses began to exchange apologies.
"Sorry for what I said earlier, Miz…" stated Shayla Shayla, "Sensei Fujisawa really is a pretty cool guy. He's always a great guy to go drinking with!"
"While I consider his alcoholism to be his worst feature, I do agree that he's a most dreamy and impressive man!" responded Miz with a most serene smile, "I can't wait to see the sort of family that I can have with a great government worker like him! Oh… and I'm sorry too, Shayla. I'm sure Makoto will get over Ifurita eventually, and he'll notice your feelings for him. What man could possibly resist a Priestess of Mount Muldoon?!"
"Yeah, that's right!" shouted Shayla Shayla in enthusiastic response, "Once we have our men, we'll have to make sure to find somebody nice for Afura to hook up with!"
"Thanks, but no thanks." chimed in Afura, "Like I said earlier, I'm quite happy to be with out men… especially now, in these purifying waters with my two fellow Priestesses!"
"Ha!" laughed Shayla Shayla, "Yeah, good point. Being able to enjoy this with out worrying about a man ogling you is a really nice treat! Why, if a man was to show up now, I'd…"
And that was when I made my entrance into the scene, doing a cannonball jump right into the middle of the pool that the three Priestesses of Mount Muldoon were in. You can probably guess how it went from there…
In case you can't, however, I'll tell you. Water splashed hurriedly in all directions away from my submerging body. Afura Mann had been sitting on the edge of the pool, and hence simply put her hands up, palms facing outwards, to block the incoming water. Miz Mishtal and Shayla Shayla, however, were each sent spiraling backwards, pushed with great pressure by my landing into the pool. They, too, threw up their arms in reflexive action, but not quickly enough to avoid getting their eyes and hair thoroughly drenched. And then, I followed up my jump by floating in sheer ecstasy, temporarily oblivious of anything or anyone around me, except for the mesmerizingly restorative water all about me. At the same time, the three Priestesses all looked at me with slight horror and great tension, being temporarily rendered speechless. Sensing the tension in the air, I moved to a sitting motion, and looked around me. Seeing three slender attractive women all in the buff, with the exception of Afura having a white fluffy towel around her, was almost enough to cause pulsating blood to come flowing from my nose! While natural sexual titillation never drew blood from me, something else soon did…
"Why you!" screamed Shayla Shayla in supreme anger, bringing a fearsomely loud break to the tension, while she socked me right in the nose, knocking me backwards with great velocity, causing me to hit the back of my head against the water, blood spurting forth from my nose.
"Another perverted man!" cried Miz Mishtal, "Will we ever be free from them?!"
"I'll make us free from them!" shouted Shayla Shayla, grabbing me tightly by the neck as she dragged me up, readying herself to deliver another punch by pulling her free arm backwards for a wind up.
I was seeing stars all around me, and I was thoroughly dazed and confused. It felt like I had actually suffered a minor concussion, and I could vaguely sense drool dripping out ever so slightly from my mouth. I was in no position to defend myself, either with physical action or with words. Thankfully, Koizumi had followed closely behind me, and eagerly pleaded my case.
"Please excuse my overly reckless friend!" he shouted, bowing with great courtesy towards the three Priestesses, "He did not know that this Holy Fountain of Arliman was blocked to all men!"
The three Priestesses sensed sincerity in Itsuki's words, and hence slowly calmed down, as Shayla Shayla released me, and submerged herself up to her neck in order to hide her gorgeous naked breasts from any further exposure to men.
"A likely story!" she shouted, feigning continued outrage, in the hopes that her statement would force Koizumi to reveal more.
"Please believe me for what I say is true." responded Koizumi, "This… may be hard for you to believe, but my friend Kyon and I are not from here… we're not even form this world! We're from another world!"
"Another world?" mused a questioning Afura Mann, "You mean… like Makoto and the others?"
"Makoto… Mizuhara?" stated Koizumi contemplatively to himself, trying to remember the names of the three Shinonome High students that Haruhi had mentioned to him, "Yes… yes! Just like Makoto, we are from a country called Japan on a world called Earth!"
"So… some more wanderers from Makoto's world have somehow arrived here on El Hazard!" exclaimed Miz Mishtal in shock, "I have to tell Masamichi about this immediately! He'll be so excited to know this!"
However, the arrival of more wanderers to El Hazard would not be made known to Mr. Fujisawa by Miz Mishtal. That information would be conveyed to him, and to Makoto Mizuhara, by the revered Dean of Roshtaria's Royal Academy, Dr. Schtalubaugh! For just as I had been rushing towards the Holy Fountain of Arliman in desperate need for water, Makoto and Fujisawa had been rushing to meet with Dr. Schtalubaugh about an amazing discovery that he had just made.
"Dr. Schtalubaugh!" Makoto shouted eagerly, but respectfully, to the good Dean as he approached him in a secluded laboratory deep within the palace of Florestica, "Fujisawa and I heard from Londs that you have recently retrieved some information that might help us get back to Earth!"
"I caution you against getting overly optimistic, my boy…" began Schtalubaugh in terse reply, "But what Londs reported to you is essentially correct. Fujisawa, do you recall how you, with your great strength, helped the Royal Academy and myself set up those… large listening posts… a couple weeks ago?"
After taking a deep breath off of his cigarette smoke, Fujisawa replied with a "Yeah, I do. They were a real pain to set up since I had to go completely dry and sober for a couple days just to lift them!"
"Well, your efforts were not in vain!" exclaimed Schtalbaugh in proud response, "For those listening posts have just signaled to me the appearance of four rather unique spacial anomalies!"
"Spacial anomalies?" asked a confused Fujisawa, scratching his head.
"Yeah" interjected Makoto, "Probably like the ones that were caused when you, Nanami, Jinnai, and I all ended up here in El Hazard!"
The full importance of his own words took a second to dawn upon Makoto.
"Oh wait!" he piped up in excitement, "Does that mean that more people from Earth have somehow arrived on El Hazard?!"
"You've likely just answered your own question, my boy!" replied Dr. Schtalbaugh with a smile, before motioning Makoto and Fujisawa to join him in front of a radar-like display screen, "Come, come! Let me show you exactly what it is that we're dealing with here!"
Stationed upon the far wall of the inside of Schtalbaugh's lab was a special display screen that doubled as a map of El Hazard. Schtalbaugh then turned a special dial in order to replay for Makoto and Fujisawa the special readings that the listening posts had shown on the display earlier that same day.
"Look, look!" shouted Dr. Schtalbaugh to Makoto and Fujisawa, "Do you see? At this precise moment seven hours ago, four unique special anomalies occurred simultaneously. One particularly large one took place in the vast desert in which the Holy Fountain of Arliman is located. Three smaller ones occurred in… the outskirts of a small village in Durasland, and… in two places that we don't have much concurrent geographical or geological information on."
"Fascinating…" stated an awestruck Makoto, "This is like something out of a great sci-fi movie!"
"Ah, but this is not fiction, my boy…" responded Schtalbaugh, "This is reality!"
"That's right." stated Fujisawa firmly, "So we better head off to these four locations quickly! We have to make sure that if there are people who just arrived here from back home on Earth, that they're Ok!"
"… and that they don't cause any trouble either" added in Makoto, thinking of a certain classmate.
"I concur with you both." replied Schtalbaugh, "My suggestion would be to head to the desert first! Anyone who landed there would be in the most dire of straights… plus, that is the site of the largest anomaly!"
"Right!" exclaimed Makoto with enthusiasm, "Let's get going then, sensei!"
"Right behind you, kiddo!" replied Fujisawa.
In spite of their efforts, though, Makoto and Fujisawa would not be able to prevent one particularly problematic meeting from occurring…
"Uuunnnhhh… my head!" complained Haruhi Suzumiya, as she began to gradually come to, and slowly rise to her feet.
"W-where am I?" asked Haruhi, as she began to carefully and slowly take in her newfound surroundings.
These surroundings were dimly, but enchantingly, lit. It took awhile for Haruhi's eyes to adjust to the lighting, but once they did, she could tell that she was inside some sort of technologically advanced fortress with sleek, pristine, metallic walls with smooth crevices bore into them. The floor was similarly alien and tantalizing to Haruhi.
"Wow…" she exhaled breathlessly, "This is amazing!"
While totally caught up in her unique surroundings at first, as she slowly moved about them from empty corridor to empty room of similar design but different coloring to empty corridor, Haruhi nonetheless soon felt a slight panic over the awareness that her fellow SOS Brigade members were nowhere to be seen.
"Koizumi? Mikuru? … Yuki?" She began, with the slightest touch of exasperation and worry in her voice, as her head spun about her frantically moving body, trying to look in all directions.
"Kyon!" she finally shouted in anger, "Where are all of you?! Get over here now, or I'll… I'll..!"
The tumultuous tethering of sharp anxiety to fervent irritation felt in Haruhi's increasingly racing heart soon subsided once she caught sight of something that truly surprised her.
Just beyond the corridor that she was now in, Haruhi could make out some portions of an astounding figure. This figure looked like a gigantic insect of some sort… vaguely shaped like a massively oversized ant!
With mouth agape in pumped celebration, Haruhi knew that she was looking at an extra terrestrial here, for no creature like this one existed on Earth!
"Yes!" she exclaimed in great joy, "I knew there had to be one somewhere! In spite of what that stupid Kyon said, I just knew that extra terrestrials had to exist! Now, I have to know everything about this extra terrestrial! He he he…!"
Haruhi dashed at this creature with headlong zeal, crashing into him from behind!
The enormous bug-like entity could only react with what sounded like horrifically garbled French with a tone of unpleasant surprise.
"Who are you?" she asked of him, as her hands began groping him all over, not much unlike how the most sexually frustrated man might grope a submissive but sexually appealing woman, "What are you?! Tell me! Tell me everything about you!"
The poor creature started to protest loudly over what could be called a molestation of virtual dissection, as Haruhi meticulously explored every part of him! His eyes welled up large from the arousal that he actually felt over being touched so aggressively by this human female.
"Come on!" protested Haruhi, "Don't be shy! He he…"
This was not anger, but sheer infatuation on Haruhi's part. One of her dreams was, after all, coming true. That dream, however, would soon meet with a temporary end…
"As much as I utterly hate and loath that accursed arch-nemesis of mine, I have to begrudgingly give him credit…" came a distinctive male voice from behind Haruhi.
"Huh? Who's there?" asked a startled Haruhi, turning about at the sound of a human voice.
"Finding out the location of my new impenetrable fortress" he continued on, "Having a clearly expert Alliance spy somehow infiltrate it. Have her grope at my top Lieutenant to find out all she can about Bugrom physiology. And… to top it all off… have her dress in a Japanese school girl uniform in the hopes that it might trick me into thinking that she's another person from Earth lost here in El Hazard! Very, very clever and impressive, Makoto! A hated, but worthy, adversary that you are! But not worthy enough to fool ME!"
With that last line, the Supreme Commander of the Bugrom Empire leaned downwards slightly to look Haruhi Suzumiya eye to eye with narrowed eyes, attempting to intimidate her.
"What the hell are you talking about?!" she replied incredulously.
"Ha ha ha ha!!! You can feign ignorance all you want, Alliance spy!" he responded, while moving back to a totally upright position, his arms neatly folded, "But you won't pull the wool over the eyes of Lord God Jinnai! Nor am I going to allow you to fondle Groucho to death anymore. Harpo! Chico! Zeppo! Grab her!"
The sound of rushing Bugrom feet could be heard rustling over the pristine flooring of Katsuhiko Jinnai's latest fortress. In but a few seconds, Haruhi Suzumiya found herself encumbered by numerous Bugrom digits! She had been captured!
"H-hey now!" she began in shock and concern, "You have the wrong idea! I'm no spy! I'm the Commander of the SOS Brigade! I don't know of any Alliance!"
"Mental note…" began Katsuhiko Jinnai to himself, "Roshtaria's intelligence agency is known as the SOS Brigade. Hhmmm… catchy name. Too bad it's wasted on a part of the incompetent Alliance!"
"I'm not part of any Alliance!" screamed Haruhi Suzumiya.
"You really shouldn't waste your breath like that." Katsuhiko Jinnai said mockingly towards her, "You're going to need to save it considering where you're going!
To be continued…