Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma One Half, any character mentioned from Banjo Kazooie one and Tooie or Skunk Fu!
Summary: Ranma has a run with an annoying red bird… in a different dimension thanks to Jusenkyo.
Note: If you don't like my story, you don't have to read it, if you like my story, but not the way I progress it, then write a similar story to it, that's what fan fictions naturally are in the first place.
Chapter 1: When two worlds collide into a third. (Kazooie-centric chapter)
"OH NO, Honored customer fall into spring of one time Jusenkyo portal… I only know that it works only once, however I have no clue where he might end up or if he'll be alive when he gets there rumor has it portal has tendency to hurl person out at high velocities, it is unknown since no one has ever come back from one time portal." The Jusenkyo man said as he watched the pigtail youth had vanished the second he touched the water without even causing a splash while the panda that knocked him into it just sat there contemplating the fact that he just lost his meal ticket.
Ranma the human with a pigtail and the upcoming martial artist of general chaos felt everything was moving so fast the world was spinning and he felt like he was falling, the world was getting fuzzy, before he felt his body slam into something that was red was soft to the touch and was apparently either heavy or it was moving faster then he was before everything blacked out.
Elsewhere at a relative time to the previous bit of story.
"Are you sure you put everything in your backpack Kazooie, also won't the fans be disappointed that we're not going to make a sequel to banjo-tooie?" It was a bizarre looking bear named Banjo, he was wearing yellow shorts and a shark tooth necklace and he was addressing a petite red bird who reached up to his chest height because of her legs, she was currently hugging her best friend goodbye while standing near a large puddle of liquid.
"Look just get my sister Kazooey to do stand in for me, she's an excellent stunt double and nobody would know the difference even goggle boy wouldn't notice; other then the fact that she's less sarcastic then me, besides I heard he was to busy getting into a divorce case with his wife, oh that'll be the hills, I seriously want to go adventuring on my own and yes I made sure to pack everything before I use this one time Jusenkyo portal Mumbo made with minor help from Humba, I didn't think it'd ever happen either. Oh and…" Before Kazooie could go any further Banjo slapped her hard, causing her to quiet down and stare at him.
"You told me to do that if you ever had motor mouth syndrome again, sorry Kazooie." Banjo muttered under his breath while putting his hand to his face as recognition appeared into Kazooie eyes.
"Right, I forgot about my open mouth stuff foot in syndrome. In any case I'm going where no game character has gone before… well maybe some might have, but still Banjo I heard B was interested in you last I heard and I'll miss you, the Jinjo's, card night, practically everything else we've ever done together as I go off into the wild blue yonder… Yes I know it's a magical puddle, give me a break I'm trying to be dramatic here Banjo and I never knew Humba's middle name was Jusenkyo that was really interesting and how it ties to her magical transformation puddles. Also did you ever consider how the aglet is hardly ever…?" With that and getting another slap from Banjo, Kazooie dove into the one time Jusenkyo portal.
"Don't let life get you down slowpoke!" Kazooie yelled from the closing portal.
"Sheesh, I sure hope she'll be okay… at least she took the magic backpack with her and she's right I need to get out more." With that Banjo left the area to go look for Kazooey and to ask B out on a date, leaving the one thing he wondered was "Kazooie had a sister?" as he walked away with a few tears in his eyes missing his friend already without her ability to cause trouble for him to fix.
Kung Fu Animal World…
Rules to said Animal World.
All inhabitants are animals. (important for the plot in the next few moments)
Interspecies relationships work without question, though there may be problems in the relationships because of predator prey species issues. (Not as important, but can be useful for the plot)
Human like structures may exist here, but there are no humans and the closest you could get would be a monkey or ape. (Standard anime rules apply otherwise for random objects like robot clowns which are not truly alive)
The animals that know Kung Fu are usually referred by their species name, but that could get confusing later on in this fiction as there is more then one animal of the same name that can fight. One example a bunch of ninja monkeys but all them being named Monkey would be confusing.
Two portals opened up in mid air in the middle of a valley of legend of a dragon that was punished by the heavens for his arrogance he blamed the animals of the nudist colony that lived there, also they all trained in obscure fighting styles just the kind of thing where Ranma would thrive in, Kazooie however wouldn't know the first thing about advance forms of combat other then coughing eggs and doing a wing style of dance fighting, other then high jumping most of her abilities are combination based in a tag team function, she really need to get out of her backpack more often which is the reason she left her cozy second home of Spiral Mountain, she had a means to get home easily no worries there.
Kazooie flew out of one portal feet first, while a familiar body shot out of the other and this resulted in a collision that will change the Kung Fu Animal World, when either of them wake up that is as they were both knocked unconscious by the high-speed trauma.
Two hours later.
Kazooie groaned as she started stirring on the ground, she may have been lazy but she was probably the toughest Red-Crested Breegull alive, thanks to the honeycomb health system at least and having once been transformed into a green dragon, but seeing as this wasn't a game world the system was currently not working as it should have to protect her from such high end collisions.
"Did that fat nugget captain Blubber sit on me again?" Kazooie stated as she sat up looking around at the new world that surrounded her, with green grassy plains and forests scattered around the areas only to spot a grizzly/honey bear humanoid hybrid with an odd pigtail, he was kind of cute looking, but that thought died the second it appeared in Kazooies' head as it was stabbed by millions of little versions of Kazooie all proclaiming she wouldn't know the meaning of love if it bit her.
After a brief flashback of memory she realized that this person came out of another Jusenkyo portal, but for some reason he didn't look right and wasn't he human before he exited the portal and he seemed to be in a coma.
With a sigh Kazooie knew where this was going and decided to open her big beak and say it as loud as she could while standing up.
"Oh I just know this won't end well; also why am I always paired with a bear, but I guess I got to find him some help and maybe learn some medical skills while I'm at it… oh right my backpack has magical healing abilities… but does that magic still work and if it doesn't… HEY PLAYER CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO PICK THIS GUY UP WITH MAYBE THE A BUTTON OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT!" Kazooie just stood there for while blinking as nothing happened.
"That's funny I don't feel a control stick connecting to me by any of the millions of fans of our game, I guess I'll just have to do this myself without having my body possessed by a player, I really hate having to do work sometimes, but I guess it can't be helped now lets see..." Kazooie pulled her blue backpack off and started rummaging through it and pulled out a large black mallet, a pair of battle fans, a deus ex machina detector, a bag of bird seed, a fighting robotic clown dummy and finally a world map.
Looking at she saw it had indeed changed, on the map there were the words Nudist Valley Territory (Refer to as The Valley), which was next door to the Valley of Peace, Dragons territory and some place named Thorn Valley.
"Hey hey hey, do you want to beat me up today?" The robotic clown said before Kazooie quickly stuffed it back into the backpack in a flash of anger, she had forgotten that thing could talk like many other things that have talked in the past like the giant ice cube she and Banjo might have murdered by melting accidentally.
Going back to her map she looked for the nearest encampment, apparently the Valley of Peace was quite active as well as Thorn Valley, but too far to travel to right now and the Ninja Monkey Encampment didn't sound like a good place to visit, so she went with the safe sounding option of going to Panda's Dojo marked on the map that passed by several other peoples living locations also marked on the map, but none of them read as doctor to her.
"What kind of world is this that doesn't have a decent doctor and all the nearby people's names are just after generic animals in any case time to grin and bear it again, I so hope this world doesn't have anything remotely resembling a long ass fetch quest or else this could get dull real quick." Kazooie; after stowing everything in it, swung her packs open mouth towards the boy and it engulfed the odd bear before closing up slightly bulgier then usual and she started hoofing it as fast as she could trot her as backpack's stasis function still worked and it was one of the few things that still did, her backpack had always had magical powers and if it suddenly lost them all she'd be worried about it as all her random stuff was in there and it's storage space is where she lived, mobile homes is for the birds as she'd say.
On another note she remembered that the healing function requires the user to stretch it into a sleeping bag and since the guy couldn't obviously do that and she can't do it since she wouldn't be the user, it would only heal the person who actively takes part in using the function so no healing for bear boy, whoever came up with the save yourself function for the magic in this backpack was crazy.
"Ah Skunk it is time for today's lesson, also you have yet to do the thousand crouches of doom and you need to work on your dancing spider style, in any case this reminds me of those tasty plums I used to share with my old friend dragon ." Panda started to yammer on as Skunk groaned, he had to wonder what life would be like if he hadn't met master Panda, he probably would have never met Fox, Rabbit or any of the other valley dwellers then again he didn't see much of anyone else other then them, is their world so small? Then his wondering mind quickly lost track as he wondered if he could get out of doing those crouches by getting the plums for master Panda.
Later underneath a rather specific plum tree in Dragon's territory.
"Banjo did say I was always bad with directions and why doesn't this map have a magical you are here function instead of your in the general ball park, at least my deus ex machina detector is still working." Kazooie said leaning against the tree absentmindedly picking a plum and stuffing it into her beak watching the detector; her backpack next to her, jump a tiny bit every time she ate a plum.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say I'm sitting right in the middle of what will eventually be a fetch quest for some hero… I just wish I wasn't waiting for directions." Kazooie stated in a bored tone as the detector started to suddenly spark wildly out of control, when a Skunk came running up with a straw hat on his head, quickly stowing the detector in her backpack and putting it on she waited to give a good quip.
"Oh gee, looks like the stink bomb patrol has just arrived." Kazooie said to Skunk as he stopped and stared at Kazooie and his face turned bright red.
"Yeah well, hey is this the plum tree master Panda was talking about, uh… hey who are you anyway?" Though Skunk had known everyone in the valley even a few ninja monkeys hang out with him now and then, this person was completely new and she was sure pretty like Fox, in fact he was blushing out of control before he released a bit stink in embarrassment.
"I don't know about panda's but I'm looking for one's dojo which you should obviously know where it is, though you're certainly a tad slow and smell worse then a dead anything; look into something about bathing in tomato sauce as that might help, also I'm the ever wonderful wisecracking Red-Crested Breegull Kazooie, nice to meet you Stinky the Kid." After having said that and bowed with a flourish of her wings Kazooie pulled out a Kazoo and played a little fanfare tune before putting it away behind her back.
Skunk just blushed harder and released a small but condensed cloud of stink at how close Kazooie was and she just seemed so elegant to him if a little quirky.
"Uh… HEY, did you just call me an idiot…" It a moment for Skunk to finally realize he'd been insulted, several times within the minute of meeting her.
"Yes and I also stated that you smell bad molasses brains, so what kind of quest requires that you gather plums Stinky?" Kazooie said idly eating another plum in front of Skunk just reminding him why he came here.
"You see I'm kind of doing this so Panda will ease up on my training he's been pushing it lately so I decided to earn a break by getting him some of these plums he mentioned… wait a minute, do you work for Dragon?" It finally occurred to Skunk whose territory he was in, just proving to Kazooie that the kid was a little slow as he took a defensive stance.
"Actually Stinky Mc Stink A Lot, I got kind of lost looking for a doctor and I'm new to the area, also if I worked for this dragon what would I have done upon meeting you a sap for brains kid? In any case let's just get however many plums you need and vamoose because in situations like this, people are usually attacked by a large mob on this kind of quest." Kazooie stated rather bluntly, looking around and seeing nothing of the sort in this small area that surrounded the tree.
"Well… HEY, STOP MAKING FUN OF ME I'M NOT A KID AND I'M NOT STUPID!" Of course this little out burst, was followed by sounds of monkeys howling and a red Fox and a Rabbit to run up looking around wildly as Ninja Monkeys wearing full body black suits and white mask started flooding the area.
"Yeah, well at least I'm not the one that set off the aggro attack." Kazooie said for once in her life pleased that her beak wasn't the one to cause the assault of hundred of minions directly, sure indirectly but she takes what she can get.
"Skunk who is this and why did you come here without someone to make sure you stayed safe." Fox said angry that Skunk came to such a dangerous area on his own while getting ready to fight the massive wave of monkeys.
"Look drama queen, can we talk about this later and how a kid led me into a dangerous situation with all his shouting and the fact that things were so quiet under this tree a second ago, also since you're the only ones who don't look aggressive in my general direction I'm with you guys." Kazooie stated before taking in a large breath of air and then ran a quick circle around the tree breathing out a large amount of fire the created a wall of flames that held back some of the monkeys while others where jumping down into the tree from above off a nearby cliff.
"Well don't just stand there, get moving!" Kazooie said before see took to the air and spotted what appeared to be the leader approaching the area, there could be many sad things to say about your leader when he was entirely visible from a mile away and being a lot more different helps when all the monkeys looked entirely alike you couldn't even tell some were female.
She had the ever slightest looking smirk on her face, this was too easy.
One epic scene later.
"Wasabi" Baboon the leader of the monkeys fell down covered in slime and a lot of the monkeys were retreating from the area as the valley dwellers plus one left with what they came for.
The dwellers of the valley were peaceful and small in number, also there was this cowardly Tiger and Kazooie couldn't help but insult his already battered courage, but otherwise she spent more time ragging on Rabbit as he wasn't as bright as the Skunk was and she had even meaner things to say about him.
"I think your brain is the size of a grain of rice and you're a little slow to see the forest for the trees, you're also too cute and fluffy to be all that tough." Kazooie took an idle side glance at a female Crane who was walking along with them that seemed to continually look in the opposite direction of Rabbit and was blushing madly that Kazooie noticed it, they were all walking to a hill top past a bunch of stuff that look like it was used for exercising.
"Hey Panda we're back from our mission and we have a rather disrespectful tag along that doesn't seem to get my greatness." Rabbit said in a snobbish tone.
"Funny, because I thought there was no mission as Stinky did it to get out of exercising and he really didn't know any better not to get into trouble as his brain is the size of a walnut, but at least he's more threatening then you are Peter Cottontail and that's because his smell is worse then his fighting ability." This earned Kazooie a glare from Rabbit and Skunk; Skunk didn't mind this ribbing quite as much because she at least said something resembling that he was smarter then Rabbit.
"Right… well who is this, that has so eloquent a tongue on her and why has she come here?" Panda saw Kazooie pull her bulgy blue satchel off her back and then held it upside down and then with a flick of her right wing it opened up and dumped out something that was twice as large as the satchel itself causing everyone to gasp, it was a rather average sized bear hybrid with red shirt and black pants as well as kung fu slippers.
"Yeah, like none of you haven't seen a magic backpack before (or clothes for that matter), oh and I needed a doctor for him he's in a coma and I could use some help getting him fixed up after he ended up in an accident." Kazooie said idly while they were all staring at her, they missed her muttering the line about clothes, but who was she to talk she didn't wear any at all compared to everyone else in her world.
"Is that how you can breathe fire, like how you fit the guy into the backpack when he's bigger then it and what is that he's… oh and where'd you come from?" Skunk was bouncing around to much to Kazooie so she whacked him upside the head with her wing and he quieted down, obviously nobody saw her egg launching capabilities other then white hairy leader of the monkeys who she egged on literally.
"You can breathe fire? An interesting and dangerous ability, we may be able to help your friend however you have to find some plums from the hill of moons to…." Panda looked at the plums that Skunk had in the straw hat he was holding and smiled.
"Been there, done that wide load and I must say this is the first fetch quest that didn't require me to run out somewhere and come back, so can you help him?" Kazooie crossed her wings, while rudely tapping her talons on the ground.
"Yes I can, it'll only take an hour and with Turtles help he'll be up and aware in no time." Panda didn't seem remotely angered at her jab at his weight, though he was apparently suspicious of her appearance here if his eyes were to be judged thoroughly.
"Yeah well can you call me when he wakes up, we'll need some time to talk things out and he might seem a little confused at first, especially about being in the middle of a community of nudist animals boy won't that surprise the pants off him." Kazooie finally got Panda to glare at her, but he didn't say anything and walked off with whoever the bear was on his shoulder and ordered Skunk to follow him with the plums.
"You really shouldn't try to get on pandy's bad side, also I'm a lot better then I look so you wouldn't mind if I went on for hours about how great I am what with my super cool moves and ..." Rabbit then got a very devious look from Kazooie that didn't bode well for him, as seconds later he had been punted very far away over a hill.
"Nice kick, I never could get that kind of distance with him." Fox said as she stood next to Kazooie thinking about where Rabbit would land.
"Yeah well his head is really thick Queenie, Stinky certainly likes you and Cottontail seems to really like the color red or else his eyes would be on someone who actually likes him in this one Ox community." Kazooie said motioning to Crane who blushed even more furiously at being noticed as she would usually be off somewhere gossiping or doing other stuff with elder Duck.
"You know, you're not very nice and yes everyone but Rabbit knows about Crane that's why I keep shooting him down and toying with him, I just hope he can take a hint and also I am interested in Skunk, but not quite that much yet I'm more like a big sister right now as he's not all that mature yet." Fox wanted to be friends with this newcomer and she was making it awfully hard with her big beak, hey there weren't that many girls around and you had to talk to a log to get rid of the boredom sometimes when everyone was busy and there was no one to train with, plus when the majority of people in the area were bees and lightning bugs well you see how long you stay sane.
"Funny because I think you just won't date Stinky yet because of his tendency to skunk when he gets embarrassed and also you should understand I'm very annoying don't worry about whatever crush he may have on me; Queenie, he's all yours when I figure out how to get that bird and bunny in one nest." With that Kazooie sauntered off with a smile on her beak, leaving behind a flustered Fox to think for while, with a completely red blushing Crane.
An hour later alone, off to the side in a little grove.
"Hey wake up, oh and do so slowly or else you scream like a little girl and in terrible shock causing the situation to go downhill from where it is already and I really don't want to explain myself just yet how I'm from somewhere else, by the way I'm Kazooie sorry about this." The bear sat up groggily looking around to get his bearings when he raised his hand like paw to his head and then realized what it was and went to scream, but before he could a mango was shoved in his mouth and he finally noticed who had been talking to him.
"Stuff it, I'm the only one who can cause problems around here with my big mouth and lets start things slowly so you can get it off your chest what you think might be wrong with this situation and I want you to state it slowly what you remembered before you black out from our rather nasty collision." Kazooie exclaimed calmly enough, trying to hold back the massive build up of insults about to come out of her mouth and he silently ate a chunk of mango as he lifted it from his mouth.
"Well obviously to I'm a bear, your talking and we're in a place that seems eerily colorful; logically this has to be a dream or a side effect of having gone to Jusenkyo the pools of sorrow with pops before he somehow became a panda bear and then he… KNOCKED ME INTO ONE OF THE SPRINGS, AWW GREAT I'M A BEAR NOW LIKE POPS HOW CAN THIS GET ANY WORSE." Ranma must have said the magic words, because Kazooie couldn't hold it back any longer, that and you never say the words "How can it/this get any worse" around Kazooie or else the effect would be twice as worse then normal when things do indeed get worse or Kazooie could insult you a lot, but both usually happened to differing degrees.
"Well for starters Meathead you could be stuck in a entirely different dimension with a different set of rules from the norm from wherever you came from, the pools had nothing to do with you being a bear so be glad I have good recall of memory that being here transformed you instantaneously into a bear, you could hopelessly forever search for a way back home and finally to normality only to end up in a far worse situation then whatever could possibly happen here, you could also be incredibly stupid and not accept my offer to help you on whatever wacky adventures come your way since I've been on quite a few myself and I'll know what to do in those kinds of situations, also we're suddenly surrounded by hostile monkey ninja's looking for revenge for something I did a while ago and I'm not about to be captured by a bunch of lame brained banana eating bug infested kindergarten rejects… of course I don't think an apology now will make you guys leave me alone right?" Kazooie after a long winded amount of talking and after the insult to the monkeys that appeared around them, they slowly started advancing on her with angry looks in their eyes and she back away slowly.
"… I'm not in China anymore? Pops isn't here? Oh, yeah I forgot to introduce my self to Kazooie. What will I do without pops to train me; maybe I should maybe seek a better education then what all those monks and other martial artist taught to me." In the meantime while he was slowly coming to terms with his situation Kazooie had punted a ninja monkey into a nearby tree, twirled around in a sweeping fashion with her wings tripping up and knocking them away at the same time and then she coughed up a oval green shape that explode on the nearest cluster on ninja monkeys sending them flying.
"HEY MEATHEAD ANY TIME NOW WOULD BE HELPFUL." Kazooie stated trying to get a monkey off her back and another one managed to hit her right leg with a kick causing her to fall down and get swarmed suddenly causing Ranma's protect the weak instincts to kick in, his father may not have had morals but he certainly did and protecting the weak was one of things a martial artist is posed to do and here he was worried about being a bear all of the sudden and maybe nowhere near his whatever could be called home.
"I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry for what I'm about to do to you." And thus the fight was renewed and when the valley dwellers arrived, there were plenty of out cold monkeys and one annoyed bear, as Kazooie kept taunting him to hit her after hearing he wouldn't hit a girl and thinks that girls are weak.