3 Months Earlier- Edwards POV
I studied the house that my family and I had abandoned five years ago, admiring the huge windows covering the walls, and the moss growing on the sides and the roof- no one has lived in it since, nor taken care of it.
My memories switched back to the night I brought Bella here for her dreaded birthday party, the night all of my thoughts took a turn for the worst. Oh, Bella…
How much I have missed her cannot even be expressed in words. I yearn for her warm and gentle touch that I haven't felt in so long…the night I went to her apartment could hardly constitute as a touch- she wasn't even conscious.
I wondered if she had found the diary I hid under her mattress and I she read the note in the back, but would she care? Would she tear it out and shred it to pieces? Oh how much she must hate me, it gives me nausea just thinking about it.
I kept a steady beat as I paced back and forth on the muddy grass as I waited for Alice. She apparently had "BIG NEWS!" for me and frankly, I refused to face the wraths of my family back at home. Warm hugs from Esme and Carlisle, bone crushing hugs from Emmett and constant apologies from Jasper. But what I wouldn't be able to stand was Rosalie. She was so happy when I broke it off with Bella. 'She was no good for you anyway, nothing but an inconvenience. Who needs her?' The answer to the question was simple- I need her.
Then, I saw a little blur running quickly through the shrubs, and I assumed it was Alice. I stopped pacing and waited for her to approach me. "What's this big news?" I asked in a gloomy voice, she knew I didn't want to hear it.
"I saw her." She whispered, so quiet it was almost hard for me to hear. Her eyes stayed fixed on my face, decoding my expression. I wonder what she saw, because she looked back down at her hands.
"Where." I uttered, and it should've come out as a question, but it was more of a demand for an answer.
"At club Cielo in New York City. I'm so sorry, Edward. I didn't even see it, my vision was so blocked out when I went out with Rose. I don't know why…it…it was like something was blocking it! I just- I'm sorry Edward!" she sputtered, and that was the first time I had ever seen her so troubled, and she was doing a good job of keeping her thoughts pure and in check so I didn't know what she was going to say.
"Why are you apologizing?" I asked, gloomily.
She looked down at her hands and then back up at my face. She pursed her lips together, and looked up at the dark, graying sky. She brought her eyes back to mine and sighed. "She knew who I was. She bumped into me, and when I went to run away, she muttered my name…she knew, Edward." Alice said, and my body froze.
I felt like I went into shock. This was bad, very, very, bad. What had she been thinking when she saw her? Did she think I sent her there to spy on her?
"What did you say to her?" I asked, shutting my eyes tightly, and pinching the bridge of my nose, trying to relax myself, where was Jasper!?
"I apologized, that's all." She said, and I felt her hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
I opened my eyes and looked at her. "I can't do this anymore, Alice."
"You are not going to the Volturi," she said, after a moment of contemplating my words. I wiped the thought from my mind. What was I to do?
"What do I do?" I asked her.
"Find her." She said simply. And I wanted nothing more than to do just that, but how? How could I ever do that? She's with Jacob now, she's happier. And isn't that what's most important? That's all I want for her, happiness.
"I can't do that, Alice." I said to her, turning around, and looking up at the sky.
"Why not!? Just tell her-" but I cut her off, she would never understand how I felt, EVER.
"What, Alice? Tell her what? Tell her that I think about her every second of every minute of every single damn day? That every day, I scream because I can't even cry for her, I can't be good enough for her? I was never good enough for her, Alice. She deserves a real life, a real family, and a real man. I'm just a cold, dead, thing. I'm a monster, and I couldn't give her anything! Just take things! She'd never understand the hell I went through that night that I had to leave, or the night that I went to her apartment. Her face will never leave my mind, I'll never forget her, even if I live forever!" I screamed, finding a rock on the ground, and throwing it as far as I could.
Alice trailed it with her eyes. "I'm sure she does know what you went through," Alice, said quietly, and it startled me.
"What?" I asked, cocking my head to the side, getting closer to her face.
"I know what happened after you left, Edward. I just could never tell you, it would've been too hard both of us." She replied.
"Both of us?"
"It gives me shivers just thinking about it, Edward. You probably would've killed yourself years ago if you ever knew." She said, her eyes growing darker and more intense as she spoke. I looked at her pointed, urging her to go on.
"After you left, a boy named Sam Uley, that werewolf boy picked her up out of the woods," she said, but stopped as I growled at the word werewolf. Werewolf? She was with a werewolf. Then I thought back to the night I visited her apartment. I remembered, faintly the smell that aired through the apartment, It was enough to be noticed, but I smelled it thinking it was a real dog or just the musky smell of a closed off apartment. And then it hit me, Jacob was a werewolf.
And it made so much sense, how Alice didn't see Bella at the night club that evening, werewolves make her visions difficult to see, it was all coming into place now.
"Jacob is a werewolf," I said, droning out the rest of Alice's story, preoccupied by my own thoughts.
"Seriously?" she asked, a confused look plastered against her face.
I nodded, and let a hiss escape through my clenched teeth. She looked up at me. 'Shut up, let me finish.' She thought, and I pursed my lips.
"After Sam Uley found her, the whole way home she was muttering 'He left, he's gone. Why, why?' Charlie didn't know what to do, he was going to send her to Jacksonville with Renee. And then, Jacob was there, and he fixed her, basically. The mental pictures that I had of her in my head were excruciating, it hurt me to look at her. She was…terrible. She wasn't even there, she was dead, Edward…she needed you. And I know this is going to make you feel bad, but you need to know."
I looked up at her. The pain in my heart growing bigger and bigger with every word she said. "You did it to her," she murmured. "If you were still there, she would have been fine. Jasper wouldn't have hurt her, she would've been fine and happy. But, you made us leave, and that only hurt worse. I don't know what she's going to do when she finds that diary entry you wrote her, or worse, the stuff under the floorboards. The pictures and gifts? That's only going to kill her even more, Edward."
I had heard enough, I knew I did it to her. I didn't want to hear anymore from Alice. It hurt too much, just knowing all the things I did to her. I needed her, I was sorry. I felt terrible, and all I wanted was to just hold her in my arms and tell her that. Tell her how much I loved her and I sorry I was. But, that wasn't going to happen.
I turned back to the house, and began to walk away from Alice.
"Where the hell are you going Edward?" she asked me.
"I don't know, Alice. I don't even know." I replied over my shoulder.
It seems like I've been saying that a lot lately, I just don't know anymore.