First, I would like to stress that this is PARODY. It's all in good fun, and I attempted to keep everyone in character. But, you know, slumber party fic. Chaos will happen regardless.
Second, this contains SPOILERS, such as Tobi's identity, Pein's identity, etc.
Third, this takes place somewhere after Sasori dies and Tobi joins, but before anyone else has had time to meet their demise.
Fourth and finally, enjoy!
Akatsuki Throws a Sparkly Glitter Party
Itachi had always known that Madara was a sick, sadistic man. He had always known he enjoyed torture and mental anguish and all those unpleasant things. This new little escapade just provided Itachi with further evidence of the older man's pension for chaos and evil.
"Deidara-sempai!" the man in question practically sang. Itachi was positive this "Tobi" persona was created for the sole purpose of messing with his head. Because seriously, Madara? Seriously? "Do you like the gold streamers or the silver streamers?" Madara was running about the living room of their current "headquarters," Hidan's mother's house in a quiet suburban subdivision.
Hidan was currently outside, trying to convince Zetsu to get out of his mother's bed of petunias.
"This is your stupidest idea yet," said Deidara to Madara from the floral patterned couch. He and Kisame were arguing over the current television special being shown on Food Network. Kisame thought that yellowfin tuna would work better in this recipe while Deidara agreed with the TV that albacore was best. Itachi was standing in a corner menacingly, as Itachi is wont to do, and trying his best to ignore the other three.
"But sempai!" whined Madara. "We need to build the unity of our club in order to join together under the reins of friendship and teamwork and brotherliness…"
Itachi zoned out as Madara continued to babble about… whatever Madara was babbling about. No, not Madara, Tobi. For the sake of his sanity, Itachi decided to pretend the orange mask-clad man was NOT the oh-so-fearsome and vicious founder of the Uchiha clan, but instead was some other, more flamboyant and slightly stupid person.
Because seriously, Madara? Seriously?
Something sailed past Itachi as Deidara began to throw things at his hapless partner. Judging from the sparkly bits of tissue paper Deidara was simultaneously ripping off his person, "Tobi" had attempted to decorate him instead of the house.
"Why do we even need streamers?" screamed Deidara as he heaved a couch cushion in Tobi's direction.
"Becau–UGH!" Tobi collapsed under the weight of the heavy cushion to his face. "Mmfm!" his shout was effectively muffled by said cushion.
Kisame, who was still calmly seated on the couch and its plastic cover, switched the channel and mumbled something about using too much basil.
"I was watching that," Deidara objected, settling back down on the couch.
Kakuzu took this moment to enter the room via the door to the kitchen, which also doubled as the dining room.
"I have made arrangements for the catering," he announced.
Kisame looked up curiously. "You found a place cheap enough to feed eight hungry people and one plant-man for less that two thousand yen?" Kakuzu had been researching catering companies for the past three days in preparation. His original goal had been fifteen hundred yen, but Pein had convinced him to raise his spending limit a bit. ("Convinced" meant "threatened with kunai and ninjutsu from hell," but he didn't have to mention that to anyone else.)
"Affirmative," said Kakuzu. "We are ordering from Mad Makoto's."
"And it's that cheap?" Kisame was intrigued.
"No, Mad Makoto's is quite expensive."
"You've lost me," said Kisame, smacking Deidara's hand away as the blond tried to snatch the remote from his lap.
"They also drop all costs if the delivery takes more than thirty minutes." Kisame stared blankly at him. "Mad Makoto's is in Snow Country."
"Ah," said Kisame. Then he hit Deidara in the arm with the coveted remote.
"I shall go order the food now if we want any hope of it arriving by dinner." It was 11:00 in the morning. Kakuzu walked back into the kitchen just as stiffly as he had walked out.
"It is all coming into place!" Tobi cried as he leapt up from the floor, throwing the couch cushion into the air joyously. "This is going to be the best slumber party ever, guys!"
The other three ignored him.
No one but Itachi new how Tobi had convinced Pein to allow him to throw a mandatory slumber party. ("Convinced," Itachi knew, was another word for "demanded because Tobi's actually running this stupid organization and what the hell, Madara.")
"We can play board games and truth or dare and spin the bottle…"
Spin the bottle…? How were they going to play that with one girl? This seemed to occur to Deidara and Kisame as well, as they gave each other worried glances. The worried look turned to full-out horror as Tobi went on to mention "Seven Minutes in Heaven."
"Aren't you excited guys?" Tobi beamed at them, jumping happily in front of the TV. Deidara and Kisame turned to stare uncomfortably in opposite directions. Tobi seemed to deflate. "Itachi-sempai…?" he asked hopefully.
Itachi pretended to examine his nails. Kisame coughed.
"Look, Tobi," said Deidara. "It's not that we don't want to have fun. We all love having fun. Having fun is fun."
Tobi seemed to brighten up at that.
"It's just that your party sounds painfully dumb," said Deidara bluntly.
Tobi's posture crumpled in depression for a brief second, before he suddenly straightened again, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Then I'll just have to come up with better ideas for tonight!" Tobi announced cheerfully. "Let me go talk it over with Pein-sama!" And he bounded up the stairs gleefully.
"Quick!" shouted Deidara as he jumped to his feet. "Let's go out for lunch before he comes back!"
Kisame hurriedly followed him out the front door. Deidara fumbled with the lock a bit before wrenching the door open and they both sprinted past Zetsu in the flowerbed and across the small front yard.
Having nothing better to do, and for the sake of staying in denial about how much Mada-Tobi's behavior was bothering him, Itachi calmly followed them at a much more reasonable pace. He wasn't hungry yet, but Hidan's mother had little lamb figurines sprinkled around the living room and it was making it decidedly difficult for him to stand in a corner and look menacing, as Itachi was wont to do.
"Look, I know the soil is extraordinarily high in necessary minerals and helpful fungi," said Hidan, "but you're uprooting the petunias!"
"Survival of the fittest," muttered Zetsu has he nestled further into the raised flowerbed. It was bordered by a stylish stonewall and the pink and purple petunias happily winked out across the front lawn, proud to be the largest on the street. Zetsu had settled himself in the middle of the garden, only his head and foliage above the shoulders visible. Hidan was crouching in front of him, gripping his scythe but too afraid to use it in fear of further destroying his mother's petunias.
"Is that what this is really about?" said Hidan. "You have to prove your superiority to a bunch of pussy-ass petunias?"
Zetsu scowled. "I am absorbing the necessary nutrients this territory provides. Now go away and leave me to a meal." Then, as an after thought, his other personality added, "Eat him."
It was at this moment Deidara and Kisame came dashing out of the house in a whirlwind of desperate running-away-from-Tobi-ness.
"Hey," Hidan snapped at them as they leaped over the three steps leading down form the stoop and made a B-line across the yard. "GET OFF THE FUCKING GRASS."
This was quite ineffective, as they were already down at the corner and out of earshot. Itachi walked out the door, closing it behind him. He gave a brief, uncaring glance at Zetsu in the petunia garden and Hidan squatting in the grass, and strolled leisurely down the small gravel path that neatly cut the yard in two.
"At least someone freaking gets it," mumbled Hidan. Itachi disappeared as he reached the street. "Now, Zetsu you little shit face, get the hell out of the petunias."
The conversation continued on in this manner.
Itachi caught up with Kisame and Deidara at Wack Donald's, the bastard food chain child of McDonald's and an arts and craft store. Whatever you ordered came in separately packaged pieces that you had to put together yourself. The condiments also came in a fantastic array of colors.
It was Deidara's dream eatery.
As Kisame wrestled with getting the bottom half of his hamburger bun out of its airtight plastic bag, Deidara was carefully constructing a castle out of fries and "food glue." It was enough to distract him from glaring at Itachi for tagging along (apparently the invitation had only been open to the shark man), but not enough to distract Itachi from wondering what the strange beige goo they called "edible glue" really was.
Itachi looked down despairingly at his grilled chicken sandwich. Or at least the pieces of his grilled chicken sandwich, all coated in tinted blue plastic. Lovely. Across the table, Kisame had taken to ripping the packaging apart with his teeth. As Itachi had much more dignity than that and much duller teeth, he took a kunai to the unsuspecting plastic.
Lunch continued uneventfully as Itachi meticulously pieced together his sandwich (mayonnaise went on the bottom bun along with the onions, then the chicken, then mustard, then lettuce. Ketchup was evenly spread across the top bun, and the tomato slice was set aside to be eaten separately). Uneventful until…
Deidara exploded his culinary masterpiece.
Itachi and Kisame, being hardcore ninjas, managed to duck under the table and avoid mushy potato debris. The other occupants were not so luckily.
"What do you think you're doing?" A chubby woman in her sixties waddled over to them and banged her cane on the table. Exploded French fry dripped down her glowering face.
"It's art!" Deidara explained cheerfully, waving his hands excitedly. Itachi and Kisame concentrated intently on their food, pretending not to know him.
The woman's jowls quivered. "Well I've never seen any art like that. That seemed more like disturbing the peace."
"No, you don't understand," Deidara explained with a grin. He was never happier then when he was explaining his art to some poor, usually disinterested, person. "The beauty is the in the moment: you have something stable and wonderful, and then BANG! It's gone! And that bang is where the art reaches the pinnacle of its existence– the moment it which it contains the most passion and beauty–"
"Excuse me," said the woman quite rudely. "I thought that art was supposed to last for ever."
"What? No, that's what stupid people who don't understand art think–"
"Excuse me," said the woman again. "But I have taken a few art classes, and I think I know about art."
Deidara fumed, and Kisame looked up at the woman pityingly.
"Don't start this with him, really. You'll regret it. Really," he stressed.
The woman sneered. "I don't know who you three are, but it's impolite to disrespect your elders–"
"I'll show you a thing or to about art!" Deidara announced angrily as he stood from his red plastic chair.
"Deidara," said Itachi warningly. But Deidara was never one to listen to Itachi.
"What could some hooligan like you know about art?" said the woman.
If you thought Akatsuki were above blowing up defenseless old ladies, you were wrong. If you thought Akatsuki were above running from a partially destroyed fast food establishment with their food clutched in their hands, you were wrong. If you thought Deidara and Kisame wouldn't laugh hysterically over this, you were dead wrong.
Hidan stomped into the kitchen, having given up on getting Zetsu out of the petunias. The house was always at least slightly ruined when his mother got back from vacations, so if a wrecked garden was the extent of the damage on this particular housesitting adventure, he'd call it a success.
Kakuzu sat at the oak table with its uneven legs and was pouring over some papers, a calculator set to the left and a red pen in his hand. Probably something to do with Akatsuki finances or what bounties could be gotten with the greatest net profit. Hidan used to ask Kakuzu about what he was doing when he got out the papers and calculator, but the explanation was always exceedingly boring and Hidan had stopped.
Swearing to himself about Zetsu, he went over to the refrigerator to see what he could have for lunch. There was a brown paper bag labeled "Deidara's Left Over Pasta Salad – TOUCH AND DIE!" and Hidan grabbed it. Pasta salad was kind of girly, but Deidara was considered one of the better cooks of the group so it couldn't be too bad.
Choosing to eat it straight from the tupperware container he found in the bag, Hidan sat down next to Kakuzu at the table.
"Deidara won't like that," said Kakuzu briefly.
"Pft," answered Hidan. "What the hell can that little pussy do?"
This, of course, is a good example of the "famous last words syndrome," as Deidara barged into the house exactly at that moment. Itachi and Kisame followed with less enthusiasm.
In the living room, Deidara froze as he bent over the couch to pick up the remote. "I smell pasta salad," he announced.
"Hidan's eating something," said Kisame as he glanced into the kitchen on his way to the stares. Although he was suspicious Tobi was up there, he wanted to take a nap.
"Hidan," Deidara hissed, leaped over the couch, and ran into the kitchen in fury. "CAN'T YOU READ, YOU IMMORTAL BASTARD?"
Itachi sat on the couch. The plastic cover crinkled under his weight. It reminded him of Wack Donald's and he frowned slightly to himself. Very slightly. Microscopically, even.
There was a loud explosion from the kitchen, and Hidan screamed, "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MY MOTHER PAID FOR THAT SHITTY TOASTER?" Some swearing and crashes were heard, followed by the shattering of glass. Itachi turned on the TV and turned the volume up as loud as it would go in order to drown out the violent noises coming form the kitchen.
Eventually Konan appeared on the stairs.
"What's going on?" she yelled at him over all the noise.
"Hidan ate Deidara's food," Itachi explained, not bothering to raise his voice. Whether or not she could hear him, Konan growled and stomped into kitchen. The noise lessened and Itachi turned down the TV.
The "slumber party" hadn't even started yet, and they had already had two fights, not to mention a destroyed petunia bed. Madara was a twisted man indeed.
Funny story: While writing this, I kept accidentally referring to Deidara with feminine pronouns. My subconscious is getting the better of me.
I think I'll try to stick to Itachi and Hidan's points of view and maybe throw in Pein. We'll see.
Reviews are highly appreciated. :]