A/N: Based loosely sometime in the early fifth season.
"But why do we have to go to L.A.?" House whined.
"Because," Cuddy explained for the millionth time that morning, "I have to represent the hospital at the convention, and none of the other heads of department will come with me."
"So I was picked because…?"
"Because you haven't had a case for days, because Dr. Morrison can easily replace you for a week, because you're an arrogant ass and this is a great form of masochism for me. I don't know, House! All I know is that you and I are going to Los Angeles for five days, and you are going to sit at that convention, and I don't care how boring it is!"
House was silent for a moment. Cuddy smiled, thinking she had finally won. Then House said, "I can't leave my team."
"For God's sake, House, bring them with us, then!"
"Really?" House asked. Cuddy thought a moment.
"Really," she said. "Make it less painful for the both of us. Besides, they could learn a thing or two from the convention, anyway, since I know you won't."
"Can I leave the Jew, though?" House asked. Cuddy sighed.
"Do whatever you want, House. As long as your team is at the airport tomorrow morning at eight, they can come with us."
House grinned. "Alright, Cuddly. See you tomorrow."
House entered the diagnostics room, later than usual. It was almost eleven o' clock. Thirteen had already consumed three cups of decaf coffee, Kutner and Taub had played three games of Go Fish, and Foreman had succeeded in killing three flies on the windowsill simply by glaring at them. Cameron had rescued them with a case just minutes before House stormed in.
"Fifteen year old girl had a seizure, no history of epilepsy, no fever, no diabetes. And she's pregnant," Foreman said.
"Great!" said House.
"Great?" Thirteen asked incredulously.
"Give it to the fat doctor. We're going on a trip," said House.
"A trip to where?" Taub asked.
"Hell yeah!" Kutner shouted. Thirteen grinned and the two hi-fived.
"Seriously, House?" Foreman asked.
"Yep," said House. "Five days, six hours of medical lecture, brief awkward social interactions with doctors all across the country, no parents. Sounds like fun, right kiddies?"
"Well, I really should check with my wife…" Taub began.
"No one cares," Kutner cut across him. "When do we leave?"
"Tomorrow, we're meeting at the airport at eight. Aaaand, you get the rest of the day off. I'm going to take a shower. Have to wash the conversation with Cuddy off of me." And with that, House turned and limped out of the room. "Oh, and Thirteen," he said, poking his head back in the door. "Don't knock anyone up while we're there. I don't know if you saw, but it was in your contract."
"I'm not even going to contemplate how that would be medically possible," Thirteen said, shaking her head. But House was already out the door.
"See you at eight A.M.!" he called.
The members of House's team looked at each other. "Well?" said Foreman.
Thirteen looked at him. "I guess we're going to L.A.!"
When House and his team arrived at the airport the next morning, they were surprised to see Chase and Cameron standing next to Cuddy, each holding a suitcase.
"Surprise!" Cameron grinned. "We decided to join you guys, to have a little fun in L.A.!"
There was a brief moment of mumbling as everyone tried to muster some enthusiasm, before realizing that there was just no reason for them to be excited about Cameron and Chase coming along. Thirteen tried to stifle a groan. She'd been up late, and it was way too early to hear Cameron's peppy voice. As if there was ever a good time to listen to someone that happy. House ignored the blond couple completely, taking the opportunity to check out Cuddy's wardrobe.
"We better hope the weather's warmer in L.A., otherwise your nipples will be showing through that shirt," House commented.
"Shut up," Cuddy said. "Let's check in our baggage."
After they had gone through the check-ins, the eight doctors sat in the terminal. Foreman took out his book and began to read, envious of Thirteen's ability to fall asleep within minutes. Kutner stood up every two minutes, too excited to sit still. Taub was on the phone with his wife, and Cuddy was flipping through her speech she had prepared for the following night. Cameron and Chase sat some distance away from the others, sharing nauseatingly sweet eye contact. House was sickened by entire scene. God, he thought, does anyone here know how to have fun? He glared at each of them in turn, though no one seemed to notice.
"First class boarding for flight 653, nonstop to Los Angeles!" A voice called out. House picked up his cane and heaved himself onto his feet. Finally, they were boarding. Now was the time to have some fun. House could imagine that a six hour plane ride would be the perfect time to mess with his colleagues.
They were seated in the front of the first class cabin. Cameron and Chase were in the front row on the left, somehow still not bored of being all lovey-dovey. Across from them were Taub and Kutner. Kutner had snagged the window seat and was blocking it with his entire head, staring onto the landing strip with awe. Taub sat grudgingly in the aisle, where his two views to choose from were the back of Kutner's head or the Chameron love fest. Cuddy and House filed in to the two seats behind them, House sitting directly behind Taub. Taub turned around.
"Did you bring any sedative? Because I'm pretty sure Kutner is going to be unbearable," he whispered to House.
"I'm saving it for Chase," House said at full volume. "It'd be nice if everyone was able to eat lunch without looking at those two and throwing up." Cameron and Chase looked at House and glared. House feigned shock that they had heard him. "Oh, hello there," he said.
Foreman and Thirteen were the last to enter the cabin. They looked at the two remaining seats.
"Uh, do you want the window?" Foreman asked.
"No, go ahead," Thirteen smiled.
"Ok. Thanks." Foreman took his seat directly behind Chase, and Thirteen sat down next to him.
The plane shuddered and began to move forward. Thirteen turned to Foreman, who had his book out again, but was looking out the window. Resigned to having to sit next to him for six hours, she decided to talk to him to make the trip less awkward.
"What are you reading?"
"Oh," Foreman looked at her. "Um, I uh, just borrowed it from someone, because I left my book at home, and I wanted to have something to read, so, uh…" Foreman looked uncharacteristically embarrassed. Intrigued, Thirteen snatched the book from Foreman's hand. It was titled So You Want to Be a Lesbian?
"Ah," was all Thirteen said as she handed it back to him. Foreman took it and looked determinedly out the window. Thirteen sat in silence. Talking to him will make it less awkward? Yeah, right. So now that Foreman was mortified, she was going to have to find some other way to occupy herself for six hours.
The plane took off. Cameron sighed, and turned to Chase to kiss him passionately. He kissed her back lightly, but stopped sooner than she would have liked.
"How are you, babe?" Chase asked, stroking her hair.
"Fine," Cameron huffed. She was horny, and in any case, she much preferred being sexual with Chase than having conversations. He was often whiny and boring, and House was right—that pretentious accent did start to annoy. Cameron nuzzled into Chase's chest and closed her eyes, pretending to sleep but in reality planning how she could best avoid conversations with Chase for the week while still getting him to have sex with her.
Across the aisle, Taub pulled out his iPod Video and started watching Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. He was embarrassed to say that he loved that movie, and unfortunately he could only watch it when his wife wasn't around. She had taken the DVD from him after he had drunkenly commented on "Keira Knightley's smoking ass". An image appeared on the iPod of a young girl standing at the bow of a ship, singing. "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me…"
Taub sighed contentedly. It had been too long.
The plane reached cruising altitude, and flight attendants rose from their seats to check on the passengers. The one who entered the first class cabin was a young woman, in her early twenties, with long, dark brown hair and chocolate colored eyes. She was only about 5'4", but from House's seated position, she looked tall and model-esque.
"Damn!" House said, just loudly enough his male coworkers in front of him to hear. They ignored him. "Damn!" he said again, this time louder. Taub chuckled at something on his iPod. Kutner was still looking out the window. Cuddy looked up from her magazine and gave House an odd look. House groaned at their ignorance. Thank God for bi girls.
"Hey Thirteen," House leaned across the aisle, "check out the flight attendant." Thirteen turned in her seat and gave the woman the once-over. She turned back to House.
"Not bad," Thirteen said with a smile. "Nice legs."
House made a mental note to talk to Thirteen more often. "Twenty bucks to whoever she likes best by the time we reach L.A.," House said. "Forty if you can get her to hook up with you in the bathroom. Fifty if you render Chase unconscious in the process."
Thirteen laughed. "Deal," she said.
In front of her, Cameron fake awoke from her fake nap. "Hey baby, did you bring any condoms in your bag?" she asked seductively.
"Uh, yeah," said Chase. "Why? We're not going to…" Cameron nodded. "Here?" Chase asked incredulously.
"I've always wanted to join the Mile-High Club," Cameron said, batting her eyelashes. Chase swallowed nervously. Cameron giggled.
"Follow me into the restroom in two minutes. I'll leave the door open." With that, Cameron rose from her seat and made her way down the aisle. Chase watched her as she neared the back of the cabin. Then he bent down and started rummaging ferociously through his bag, until he was able to find the condoms. He sat and tapped his feet impatiently on the floor, waiting. After about a minute, he decided it had been long enough, and he got up and hurried towards the restrooms. He yanked open the first door to his left.
"ACK!" an old woman screamed. Chase backed out of the restroom hurriedly.
"I'm so sorry—you must have forgotten to lock the door—" Chase stammered, retreating. House, Foreman, and Thirteen had turned at the scream and were all laughing at Chase's plight. Chase turned beet red. Oh well, he thought, at least my boss didn't see. But then Chase saw Cuddy look up from her magazine at House, who was telling her something, and shortly after, she burst out laughing. So much for that, Chase thought wryly. There was only one thing that could make this embarrassment worth it. Chase opened the door to the second lavatory with fumbling fingers.
"Hey sexy," Cameron greeted him, wearing only a bra and panties. Chase stepped hungrily into the cubicle, locking the door behind him.
A/N: Don't worry, the fun is only just beginning! Reviews would be awesome.