A/N: I don't care about what happened tonight. I wrote this last night as a prediction of what would happen, and it didn't happen, but Jeff isn't the champion so this still works.
Extreme Rules 2009
"He's going for it, Todd! He's going for it!"
"Come on, are you kidding me? Get up, Edge, get up!"
"He's at the top, Todd! He's at the—he's—"
"Edge is getting up! This is so nerve wracking, JR, I can't watch!"
"He's there, he's almost there! He's, he's—"
"HE'S GOT IT! JEFF HARDY HAS DONE IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!"
"JEFF HARDY IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!"
Smackdown June 12, 2009
"All I really want to do is thank the fans. It's a real honor to have worked for so long and not accomplish anything, but then finally win both the WWE Championship and the World Heavyweight Championship. I've tried and tried my entire life—loss after loss after loss, but it never got me down. And look where it's gotten me today—two belts under my... well, belt. I'm on top of the world."
The Cutting Edge June 12, 2009
"You're on top of the world, Jeff? Is that where you are? Well, let me tell you something, Jeff Hardy. There's only one direction you can go when you're on top of the world."
"And where's that, Edge?"
World Heavyweight Championship Rematch June 12, 2009
"He's got this in the bag, JR. Edge is not walking out of this ring without that belt over his shoulder."
"I don't know, Todd, I think Jeff's got it handled pretty well on this one."
"Edge is the Ultimate Opportunist, JR! He sees something and he gets it! How does a nothing like Jeff Hardy possibly have a chance against someone as experienced and sneaky as Edge?"
"I think Jeff's got a chance, Todd."
"Yeah, he's got a chance. A snowball's chance in—"
"OH MY GOD, TODD! HE DID IT!"
"JEFF HARDY BEAT EDGE TO RETAIN THE TITLE! UNBELIEVABLE!"
"You've got to be kidding me."
"Looks like you were wrong again, Todd!"
"I can't believe this! How does he keep doing it?"
"I have no idea, Todd. He's enigmatic."
Smackdown June 19, 2009
"I've had this belt for a week now, but you guys still went to all this trouble! Thank you so much for the ten minutes of pyrotechnics and confetti. Really. I enjoyed it so much, just holding this belt like I actually deserve it. I just wish I—"
"HOLD YOUR HORSES, HOLD YOUR HORSES!"
"What now, Edge?"
"You think you deserve that belt, Jeff? The belt that was molded for my waist, Jeff? Well think again. At the Great American Bash, not only am I going to get that belt back, but I'm going to do something I should've done a long time ago."
"I can't believe it, Todd! I just can't believe it."
"What can't you believe, JR?"
"How low can Edge get?"
"Pretty low if he has to, I take it."
"I just can't believe he pushed Jeff Hardy off that ladder!"
"Jeff Hardy deserved it. He keeps running his mouth about how great he is when he hasn't done anything remotely close to what Edge has."
The Great American Bash 2009
"This is it, JR! For the three count!"
"One, two... Two count! For the two! You can still make it, Jeff!"
"With a spear! Edge has it! He has it!"
"Come on, Jeff, just give up already! You've certainly done it before—"
"WHISPER IN THE WIND! THE KID'S GOT IT, TODD!"
"NO! HE CAN'T! EDGE GET—"
"SWANTON BOMB! ONE, TWO—"
"GET UP, EDGE!"
"THREE! JEFF HARDY IS STILL THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!"
"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"
"How does he keep doing it? The kid can't be stopped!"
"He's the greatest thing to ever come to the WWE, Todd! The greatest!"
"I mean, what would we be without him?"
"Jeff." Matt bent down and patted his brother's face slightly, frowning when his eyes stayed glassy and dilated. "Jeff, can you hear me?"
"He hasn't responded to anything since you brought him here," Dr. Crawford said quietly, pulling Matt aside. "He won't eat, he won't sleep. We had to put him in here because he was trying to flip off the bunk beds."
Matt nodded quietly. "He's been messed up ever since he lost at Extreme Rules."
"Jeff Hardy is still the World Heavyweight Champion," Jeff grumbled dazedly, eyes scanning the floor.
Doctor Crawford shook his head. "It's all he says."
"When he first came home, I thought he was just in his own little world. But then he didn't show up at any of the shows and I knew something was wrong." Matt shook his head. "Poor kid. He doesn't handle things very well. I thought he was just gonna go back to drugs, but this is the worst he's ever been."
"He will get better, though." Dr. Crawford patted Matt's shoulder. "He will."
"I can only hope—"
The door flung open.
"Do you people want to know what the R in Rated R Superstar stands for?"
Jeff's head shot up.
Edge came in, the belt over his shoulder, signature smirk denting his cheeks. "I see he's still pretending to be crazy."
"He doesn't need this right now, Edge."
Edge bent down in Jeff's face, holding the belt up. "Hey, Jeff. Hey, buddy." He slapped his cheek slightly. "What's the matter with you, man? Have you been taking illegal substances again?"
"Edge, get out."
"Shhhh," Edge hissed, glaring at Matt. "I'm trying to speak privately with your brother." He turned back to Jeff. "Do you see this, Jeff? Do you see this belt? This belt... is mine. Not yours. No, no, no, no, no. Not yours. Mine."
Jeff looked up at his, eyes glazed. "Jeff Hardy is still the World Heavyweight Champion—"
"Oh, quit being so myopic!" Edge stood up. "You're pathetic."
Jeff bared his teeth slightly. "Jeff Hardy is still the World Heavyweight Champion."
"How cute you are!" Edge waved the belt in his face. "Mine, Jeff. All mine."
Jeff thrashed a little, trying to break his arms from the straight jacket. "Jeff Hardy is still the World Heavyweight Champion."
"You're WRONG, Jeff! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!"
Jeff snarled at him, chomping his teeth, trying his hardest to fight against the restraints. Dr. Crawford hurried over and injected something into his neck, holding him down until his muscles relaxed, his teeth disappeared and his eyes slipped shut.
"You did this, Edge." Matt's fists clenched. "Your awesomeness did this."
Edge smiled. "Great! Let's have a clambake."
A/N: I tried my hardest to use every line on the Edge soundboard, but this would've gone on so much longer if I did. And yes, Punk has the belt now, boo hoo. Like I said, I wrote this last night but I didn't put it up because I knew I would jinx it. It doesn't matter that Jeff won for the whole two minutes tonight - he will never exceed Edge's greatness. Review. (Come on, Hardy fans. I'm pissed and drunk. Try and take me on.)