Disclaimer:I don't own Bleach or Jushiro Ukitake or Retsu Unohana even though I wish I owned Jushiro Ukitake.
Rain. It seemed so black and white to me. I really couldn't comprehend why such a thing as rain was created in this world. It just depresses me a lot. I guess for the fact it's because I lost someone very dear to me in the rain, someone who could never be replaced in my mind. Losing this person has created a whole in my heart that is extremely empty. That is why I sit here and write this today. I lost my best friend and lover, Captain Jushiro Ukitake. I wish I could have done something to say him. I would have given anything for him because of my love and devotion to him. He's always been there for me and brought joy to me when it seemed I could never find any joy with another female. Always making me laugh and smile, but now all of that seems taken for granted, as though it never truly happened.
Now that I sit here I realize how short my long life may be, that I need to be more careful and not give it away so easily. I shouldn't cry tonight, but I'm going to. I am going to cry all night long because of this ache, this pain I feel because of such a great loss. I lost you Shiro-kun, and I'll never get you back. To me I feel so cheated and so taken aback by how this came about so quickly and without any sign of warning. You resembled a healthy man my beloved, why, why must you have taken a turn for the worse? I thought you were going to get a lot better, so much better. Isane-san even checked over my work twice and agreed with me, but now…you're gone. Gone for all eternity and I regret never saying how much you love me and what you meant to me.
I sit here in my room now, wearing a light teal kimono for sleeping with the front slightly open for the warm night. My windows open to welcome the cool night air and sound of rain descending from the skies above where you reside now. Even in my room at the 4th Division, I cannot feel at home without you my beloved. You were always so kind to me, but your sickness, your ailments all took control and now you're gone. I someday wish to join you. Maybe soon I can my love. Soon, that sounds so scary to any Shinigami. Even if they are from Squad 11, they may seem to welcome death, but truly cannot welcome the fact that they are not going to make it. In this world, as a doctor, I have learned that even if a person can cope with death and a loss; they are never truly accepting of it.
If death is so palpable, so near us and could consume us in an instant, then why do we do the work we do. We are considered death by each other, that our realm is where all good souls go to live on for eternity, but where do we go afterwards? Is there another existence after Soul Society? Hueco Mundo? Hell? Isn't there somewhere else we go to? Or is our soul just here in a purgatory-like state until we have been passed judgment on? Do we even, as Soul Society have a right to call this death? Did we ever have that right to call ourselves the final stage of existence? Maybe there is a greater world out there waiting for us to all die and inhabit that. Maybe…just maybe I can see him once again.
Jushiro, I cry myself to sleep every night knowing that when I wake up, you won't be right here next to me. I know that you will never return to me or pop out somewhere to say hello like you normally do. You will never send me chocolates ever again or roses from your garden. Shunsui won't have anyone to tell his problems to or get advice about girls again. Your squad will never have the direction it did when you were the captain. I keep dreaming of you, you always come to me telling me that you love me and that you wish we could have gotten married and had children. Your kind smile, pale skin, long white locks, deep chocolate eyes, you were such a handsome man and I didn't deserve you.
Rain. It's hitting even harder now, but I don't care. I will keep my window open for now and forever. The pale green walls around me give me no warm or relaxation. My futon placed in the middle of my room, my futon for two is not warm enough or welcoming enough for me. My coffee table, my books on the shelf, the little presents you made me, they are reminders, reminders of the pain, the suffering, the heartache. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want anything anymore! It's not fair that this has happened; it is not fair that all this had to happen. Why does the bad stuff always happen to us Jushiro? I'm so angry! How could you leave me!? Didn't you love me?! Didn't you want to try and stay with me? My tears, they stain my cheeks. It's raining harder now, we use to watch the rain together remember?
I stood slowly and walked to the mirror in my room. Long brown hair, deep brown eyes, cream colored skin, curvy body, full chest, even after thousands of years I don't look a day over thirty. I looked at my face once again, I look horrible. My hair is sloppy, my eyes bloodshot from tears, and no smile, just a line. Those lips you loved to kiss, they are just a line and nothing more, nothing…NOTHING!!! I don't know how, but the mirror was broken, my hand bleeding badly. I fell back to stare at it, I didn't feel pain at all. As though loosing you made everything numb. Then I examined it carelessly. I pulled a huge shard of glass out of it, one that could kill someone.
Rain. Just look, it's starting to let up some, but still raining. I stood again and walked to the shelf and picked up a small stuffed bird. It was a cardinal, my favorite bird. You remember that for my birthday, you always remembered that, even when I wasn't important. Why Jushiro? Why? I heard your voice in my head "Because you are my beautiful cardinal". Why?
"You were my blue jay then," I muttered to no one. Sitting down I looked at the rain.
Rain. I suppose you could compare it to life. Your life begins at the clouds, and as you fall from the cloud or grow in life, you get older and older and once you hit the ground. You are no one, but one with the earth. However through many scientific processes that Kurotsuchi-taicho could explain, the water turns into air and goes back into the clouds. I suppose rain is more like reincarnation then? The ground is our true bed, our true resting place for all beings thing. I noticed I held the shard in my blood hurt hand, and the cardinal in my other. The blood was oozing out, I stood again. I was shaky; I was loosing blood too fast. I picked up the blue jay with my clean hand.
Would someone miss me like I miss you? I doubt it, should I leave Shunsui alone? I love you so much Jushiro, it isn't right. Why did your disease take you away from me? I fell to my knees.
"I will join you," I whispered, tears from my eyes. I gripped the glass tightly, so tight that more blood came out. Then….
"Retsu," A familiar voice whispered in my ear.
"Jushiro…" I called out and opened my eyes. I was lying in a bed; you were right in front of me. I stared in aw at you and sat up slowly wincing in slight discomfort because of the hospital gown. I held my hand out for you; you took it tightly and had a huge smile on your face. I looked around the room. I was in a normal hospital room with all the machines on to monitor heart rate and everything, the walls white, the bed soft, and the room smelled so sterile. I touched my throat feeling that there was no scar or anything from the glass.
"W…what happened?" I asked him and Isane walked right in. She smiled at me with a small cart in front of her and a soft voice crying out.
"You had a bad reaction to the pain medication and slipped into a small coma," She said with a smile and walked over to me. "I'm glad you are conscious Captain, your daughter would like to meet you."
"Daughter?" I asked with wide eyes. I looked at my finger and saw the ring placed there. I looked at Jushiro; he had the biggest smile I have ever seen him have. He hugged me gently and kissed me. I kissed him back; closing my eyes I felt the soft lips on mine and rejoiced to the fact that he might be alive.
"You gave birth to a beautiful baby girl Capt-"
Cold death crept slowly on my body. The room, fading slowly, the darkness eating away at my soul, everything was being taken away from this damned existence. As a soul reaper lives on, we commit to saving lives and destroying impurities of the world. I have healed the injured and treated the ill; I have lived centuries and find that my stay on this plain has ended. In a way most people would fill regret, but I feel relief. I'm tired of living without you. Without Jushiro Ukitake.
My vision, slowly it was disappearing. I felt the blood from my neck run cold. Death this way was suppose to come quickly, but it hasn't. Maybe this is fate prolonging the inevitable? It wasn't fair…I want to go now!
"Jushiro?" I called out softly and looked up. Around the darkness was a light and his figure came in crystal clear. Warm tears sprang from my eyes and down the sides of my face. He wore a light green kimono with light blue flowers on it. He held that beautiful smile of his, his white hair tucked behind a nicely crafted ear. I smiled for the first time since he died.
"Retsu, it's time for you to join me…now…"
"Yes," I said softly and reached out. His warm hand grabbed my cold one and then total light engulfed me.
"It really never rains here Jushiro?" Retsu asked with wide eyes. She wore a green sundress and white sunhat with a green ribbon to match. A smile graced her delicate features and she leaned into the man she loved. They both sat on a bench in the middle of a garden full of roses, cherry blossom trees, bonsai trees, and other types of exotic plants around them. They were right behind a large Japanese style home. The skies were completely blue and the sun was out.
"Yep," He said to her softly. He looked up into the sky and saw a blue jay and a cardinal fly by them. He smiled softly and continued. "And the best part is, there are a ton of cardinals that make the most beautiful music. And there are such beautiful plants and animals here too. And I'm never sick either, I haven't coughed, I haven't felt this good in ages. There's just piece here and I saw Kaien and even who has died that we missed. There is also no rain-"
"So no more rainy days Jushiro?" She asked softly interrupting and looked up at him. He looked down to her and kissed her softly on the lips. His green kimono wrapped around him tightly.
"Yes…goodbye to the rain forever Retsu,"
Author's Note:Please read and review. Hope you guys like it! I'm going to update Love Letters soon so look out for it! XD