Another House fic! :D Hope you enjoy it, and please review at the end (:
'Katelyn Shepherd, 15-year-old, with intense pain in her leg, just came in.'
'Probably pulled a muscle. Boring. Anyway, Shepherd? What kind of surname is that?'
'Too intense to be a pulled muscle. Plus, she has blood in her urine. What kind of a name is House anyway?'
'Ooh, pissy. Anyway! Why are you asking me to take this case? So I can waste my time on a 15-year-old with pain in her leg and blood in her pee?'
'No, I'm asking you to take it because she's a fifteen-year-old version of you.'
'Really? She looks that good? Well, I definitely gotta go see her.' House took the file from Cameron and went back to watching his soap.
'Why – '
Cameron stood next to him, arms folded. 'Are you going to see her?'
'I might. To see if she's faking it.'
'Faking blood in the - '
'I said, wait! He's going to propose to her anytime now!'
Giving up, Cameron went next door to join Chase and Foreman.
House turned off his TV and shouted into the next room, 'What's the differential diagnosis for blood in pee?'
'Kidney stone,' Chase suggested.
Foreman scoffed as he read the patient's file. 'We're completely ignoring her leg pain?'
'How often do you find such bad leg pain in a fifteen-year-old girl who isn't involved in sports or any strenuous activity, like, I don't know, sex?'
'How often do you find an aneurysm in people's thighs in the first place?'
'Not often! All the more reason she wouldn't have one. And to answer your question, I'm not sure, 'cos I'm the only person I know who had one.' House lifted his cane and smiled his monkey smile at his team. Foreman rolled his eyes and said, 'I'm going to MRI her leg.'
'Which leg is it?' House asked.
'Left.' Foreman, Cameron and Chase got up and out of the room.
'You think it's a blood clot and you want to use an MRI to see it?' House called to them.
'No, it's any dead muscle I want to see under the MRI.'
'Test her blood,' House replied. He paused, and continued, 'for elevated potassium and proteins. And get a CT scan.'
'Her blood's positive for elevated potassium and proteins,' Chase declared proudly.
'How 'bout the CT scan? It's going to be more reliable. And what's with the tone? Not like you diagnosed it,' House said. 'Cameron already did when she made me take on the case.'
'Then…why'd you take it?' Chase asked.
House evaded the question. 'CT scan results!' he hollered.
Foreman passed the scan to House. 'Wow. Big blooming aneurysm! And - '
'It's formed a clot in – '
'Her thigh muscles. Only I get to say the interesting results,' he replied to Foreman's disgusted look. 'Have you removed the clot?'
There was silence in the room for a few seconds. House broke it, saying, 'I know sitting and staring is a lot easier than removing clots. But doctor stuff is always more fun.' Showing off his arrogant face, House sat down and watched them leave the room. 'Cameron!' he shouted as she was just about to walk out.
All three of them turned.
'What, all of you are now named Cameron?'
Chase and Foreman sighed and brisk-walked off.
'How long has she been having this pain?' House asked her.
'Why don't you read the file?' Cameron answered.
'Because I don't like reading. How long has she been having this pain?'
'This is her second day,' Foreman said.
'She's been having bad pain and she only comes in the second day? Man, she is such a brilliant person. So much for being the fifteen-year-old version of me!' He shot her a dirty look. 'Now, go do your fun doctor stuff. Remove that clot.' House walked back to his table and started playing with his yo-yo. But the pain shot through his leg, forcing him to sit down, take the familiar orange bottle, and dump another white tablet into his system.
'House!' Wilson pushed open the glass door and entered the room.
'Oh, God. Save me from the evil trenches of doom,' House muttered.
'Heard about your latest case. Sounds interesting.'
'What's so interesting about those two symptoms?'
'No, what's so interesting is that you chose such a boring case with such uninteresting symptoms. What're you going to do to her?'
'Nothing! I'm just going to do her.'
'For hell's sake.'
'Fine, I don't know. Take her out to dinner once she's well? We'll make an interesting couple. We could have matching canes!'
Wilson rolled his eyes. 'No, really. What treatment are you recommending?'
House shrugged, and looked at Wilson, blue eyes boring deep within. 'I don't know. I don't know if I want her to suffer, or if I want her to get well.'
'Wait, so you don't' want to cure her because you want to drag someone in to be miserable with you?'
'No, if I'd wanted her to be miserable, I'd have just asked you to go talk to her. That's more effective than going through all the pain from an infarction.' Another monkey smile to Wilson, who, as usual, gave up talking to him.
'There's dead muscle in her left thigh.'
'Oh, dear. Dead muscle! Unbelievable. What do we do?' House asked, feigning huge concern to irritate Cameron. It worked.
'We remove her leg,' Chase said stoutly.
'You want to remove her entire leg just because she has less than half the dead muscle that I did? Oh, right, I forgot. Chase just loves doing surgery. Maybe he just likes sharpening his hacksaw. Do all British love doing that?'
'I'm Australian. I've told you that before.'
'If you're Australian, I'm black.' House caught Foreman's eye. 'Oops, sorry, I mean, African-American.'
'You want to doom her to a lifetime of chronic pain? Damn it, she's fifteen!'
'You want to doom her to a lifetime of having one leg? Damn it, she's fifteen!'
'She could get a prosthetic leg,' Cameron cut in.
'Yea, I think I know that. They're just not as pretty as you are.'
'You think I'm pretty?'
'No. Chase is prettier.'
'Right,' Chase drawled.
'Can we get back to talking about the patient instead of who's the prettiest here?' Foreman asked.
'Aww, Foreman's sad he's not even ranked. Don't worry, I'm prettier than you.' House winked at him. 'Okay, so. Hundred bucks says she'll choose to be like the doctor who's treating her.' He glanced around at each of his employees.
'I'll take it,' Cameron responded. 'I think she'd rather have a prosthetic leg than carry a third leg all around with her.'
'Hey hey hey, that's me you're talking about. Have more respect for those with special needs in society!' House exclaimed as he walked out the door.
'Where're you going?' Chase called.
'To the lion's den,' he replied. Walking to the elevator, walking to the clinic, walking into Cuddy's office. He hated walking sometimes – it hurt so much. Popping another Vicodin into his system, House pushed his boss's office door open.
'Why'd you page me to come to your office?' he asked Cuddy. 'Walking hurts, you know. My office would be a whole lot more convenient.' He looked around and noticed Wilson. 'He made you make me walk all the way here? Mom, he's bullying me!'
'What's the status of your new patient?' Cuddy asked.
'Single. Oh, that's not what you meant. Still in pain, but the clot's removed. She would be single the rest of her life if we don't do something about it, though.'
'What treatment are you going to provide her?'
'I'll have to ask the parents. Can you believe it? They're shepherds!'
'Are you serious?' Wilson asked incredulously.
'Well, their surname is. If Smith came from blacksmiths, Shepherd would probably come from shepherds, right?'
Wilson gave an exasperated sigh to Cuddy.
'Go and talk to the parents, and ask them what they want for their daughter. And, by the way, they aren't shepherds. Mr. Shepherd is the owner of a big corporation, and Mrs. Shepherd is the vice-principal of a school. Meaning, don't screw up. And be nice to someone, for once. This patient's afflicted with the same thing as you were.'
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