This fic takes place between the end of season 2 and season 3 episode 3, so Stephen is dead but Nick is still alive. As stated in summary, Lester is writing the list so that's who it is in the "I" and such.

Disclaimer: I don't own Primeval; if I did things would be verrrry different.


Things the Primeval Team Must Remember

1. Becker does not like being called Action Man.

2. Nor does he like having it sprayed on the front of his jacket in pink.

3. Stephen Hart is not "our personal Jesus"…

4. … and he will not rise from the dead on Easter Sunday.

5. Connor is forbidden to use his hacking skills to increase his pay…

6. …or to decrease my pay…

7. …or to send mass e-mails to everyone in the Home Office.

8. If I catch any of you using the PA system for karaoke I will instantly fire you.

9. Letting Rex chew up last week's paperwork is not saving me "paper shredder bills".

10. We are running a research centre, not a strip club.

11. Connor is not James Bond, and it is wrong of him to steal Becker's gun and tell young children he is.

12. The research budget is not to be used to buy thirty-four Christmas trees for decorating the ARC with three months before Christmas.

13. There is no such day as "Come-to-Work-Dressed-Like-a-Superhero Day"…

14. … and even if there was, Mowgli is not a legitimate choice. Yes, Connor, I'm writing to you.

15. Dying everyone's hair orange "so we can see each other if we get lost" is not a good idea.

16. Paperclips are not weapons of mass destruction.

17. Neither are Jenny's socks.

18. Velociraptors do not make good shopping partners, and Abby should stop telling her friends they are.

19. Conga dancing around the ARC singing "Is This the Way to Amarillo" is forbidden.

20. The anomaly detector is for detecting anomalies, not to watch football matches…

21. … and "But it's the biggest screen!" is not a good excuse.

22. The creatures we catch are to returned from where they came, not used to make the fifth Indiana Jones film.

23. Jenny is not to be referred to as "the Prada-wearing damsel in distress".

24. Connor and Abby are not allowed to tell Sarah the history of the anomalies through a sock puppet show.

25. Cutter's fondness for building models rather than computer simulations does not entitle him to make a scale model of the Eiffel Tower…

26. … out of loo rolls.

27. Cutter does not need a "holiday" in a mental asylum…

28. …marked "Lifer. Permanent Residency."

29. Maternity leave can only be claimed by women, which does not include Connor.

30. I am not The Godfather…

31. …and superimposing me on the film poster for that was not funny.

32. When someone asks you where you go on holiday, for God's sake do not tell them "the Jurassic".


Tell me what you think. You would not believe how hard it was to come up with these. It was also my first ever humour fic, so yeah, I am not an expert.