Ed Abuse

A Fanfiction by Tfiction

Rated PG for some violence, extremely mild language, and Plank. (JUST KIDDING! DON'T KILL ME, JONNY! :D)

Chapter 1 – A terrible, horrible, no good, bad day for Ed

"ED" screeched Sarah.

"Coming baby sister," said our lovable oaf, Ed. He ran to Sarah's room, wondering what she wanted. When he got up there, Sarah was holding a milk bottle (apparently empty) and one of her dollies. "Polly Poo-Poo needs to be fed," Sarah said. "Please feed her some milk, big brother."

"Can do, Sarah," Ed said, taking the bottle and Polly Poo-Poo from Sarah. He put the bottle in her mouth and started to "feed her" the milk. Once he was done, he pat the doll on the back, and listened. No burp. He shrugged, and handed the doll and the still empty bottle to Sarah.

"Thank you, Ed," Sarah said so sarcastically, that a normal kid, even a normal five year old would notice it. But Ed was not a normal kid.

"You're welcome," Ed said out of politeness, before leaving the room. As he left, he was thinking about today's events, as well as buttered toast. Sarah sure needed help, and Big Brother Ed was there to help her.

But does Sarah help Big Brother Ed back?, said a voice in Ed's head.

Ed perked up at the new voice. He did not recognize it. Who are you, and why have you come to steal Ed's tub of gravy?! Ed thought to the voice.

I have not come for your tub of gravy. We enjoy it together, said the voice.

Ed realized this must be myself. Hello, Ed. My name is Ed.

Ed, you notice how many times that baby sister Sarah tells you to do stuff?


Well, I have. Today is Sunday, and this week, Sarah told you to do stuff fourteen times, including today.

Like what?

Buying her and her persnickety friend fudge, cleaning your room, when its not that messy-

Double Dee says so, Other Ed.

...and even having you feed Polly Poo-Poo.

Ed gasped. You're a spy?

A spy? Where? ....you lie. Anyway, I am your mind, so you're talking to yourself, so I was there.

So, what does this mean?

Back to my point. The point is, Sarah is a big girl. She is not a baby anymore.

At hearing the word Baby, Ed remembered when Sarah was a little girl. Good times, huh Other Ed?

Yes, good times. For her, at least. But you do it for free.

For free?

Yes, for free. She doesn't do any favors in return.

As Ed was thinking with himself, he did not notice that he was sitting outside. Go on, Other Ed.

Do you really know why you do this stuff for her for free?


Because she will tell your mom.

Don't tell mom! I'll do anything!

SEE?! This is what I'm talking about. She constantly abuses you and makes you do work to get what she wants, and threatens to tell Mom if she doesn't get what she wants from you.

She does?

She does. She also tells you to give stuff that you took, or she will tell Mom. But half the time, she doesn't even have proof that you took it. In fact, I have suspicions that it was Jimmy to took one of her dollies and put it in her room to get you grounded.

Okay, Other Ed....

And what does she give you? Any quarters? A Jawbreaker? Buttered toast? Even a hug?

Ed thought for a minute. He admitted through thought, No...

There's also another person who abuses you.



Eddy's the man with the plan!

Yes, but he's just that. Does he do any work?


Who does all the work in the scams?


Not just you. Double D as well.

Double D?

Yes. He just sits around, and waits for the customers, while you get supplies and Double D makes the invention and sign. Does he do any work at all?!? NO!

Umm.... okay.

So you should stand up! Let Sarah and Eddy do things themselves for once! At least tell them what I've told you.


Shut up! This has nothing to do with Gravy!

See you, Other Ed, Ed thought to Other Ed. Say hello to the chickens in my brain!

You can say hello to them. They're your chickens, too.

Oh. Hello chickens in my brain!

"Wake up, Monobrow!" Eddy shouted.

Ed snapped out of his thoughts about the Sarah problem, and said, in an unusually unhappy tone, "Coming, Eddy!"

Eddy was thinking Ed was distracted, which is easy for a moron. Edd, however, was worrying, because Ed was acting unusually strange. "Ed, is something the matter?"

"Gravy.." Ed sorrowfully, but idiotically, said.

"Well," said an unmoved Eddy. "Ed's okay."

Edd was about to comment on Eddy's uncaring reaction, but then realized the joke, and kept quiet.

Eddy began shouting, "Ed's Ping Pong table! For a measly quarter for each player, you and a buddy can play Ping Pong! Whether it be two on two or one on one, you will enjoy this exciting game."

Suddenly, what appeared to be a stand with no one in line, with Eddy holding an empty jar, became a busy stand, with almost everyone in line, with Eddy holding a jar full of quarters. Soon enough, everyone was caught in at least one game of Ping Pong.

The only one not enjoying this was Ed.

"ED!" shouted the voice of a very familiar voice. Sarah had arrived at the scene.

"ED!" boomed Sarah's voice again, holding a plate. "Get up, Stupid. I'd like you to make me a sandwich. Turkey and provolone, hold the mayonnaise. Got it, Stupid?"

On a normal day, Ed would have complied, no questions asked. But on this particular day, Ed was not in a good mood. He had had a chat with himself. Actually, with his nagging side reminding him how much Sarah was asking him to do this. Being constantly abused by Sarah, forced to do what she says under the threat of Sarah telling Mom, Ed had agreed with himself that enough was enough.

"Ed?" Sarah's voice was rising, and suddenly, she became more dangerous. Ed still hadn't answered.

"No, baby sister," Ed finally said.

Dramatic Ending to the first chapter. Sarah's finally going to get hers! W00T! Anyway, Review!
...yes, I used one of HyperInuyasha's jokes in "Trapped in a Mansion" and its sequel. But it's funny! :D