Ed Abuse

Chapter (Finale! YAY!!!) 10 – All was well.... in an imagery sort of way.

As Sarah sat by Ed's grave, she thought, All was fine with me and Ed... until that fateful day..

Sarah as a three-year-old was playing with her dollies (Polly Poo-Poo and Mr. Wootie.

"Would Mrs. Poo-Poo like some mow tea?" Sarah voiced for Mr. Wootie in as good of a man impression as she could.

"Why, yes, Mr. Wootie. I would love some more tea."

As Sarah was playing with her dollies, she heard footsteps coming from behind her. She turned around and screamed. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

"Boo!" playfully shouted an eight-year-old Ed.

"Ed, you scawed me!"

"Sorry, Sarah. I'm just teasing. It's not like I'm actually gonna- BOO!" shouted Ed.

"EEK! PLEASE DON'T DO THAT!" screamed Sarah.

"I'm just playing!" said a goofy Ed. He opened his mouth.

"Ed, please don't do that again! Or I'll... I'll..."

"You'll what?" asked Ed with a smug grin.

"I'll tell mom!" Sarah blurted, wiping the smug grin off of Ed's face, replacing it with a gasp. "PLEASE DON'T TELL MOM!"

Sarah saw not mock-fear in Ed, but pure fear. She decided to test out this theory.

"Oh Mom!" Sarah shouted.

Hearing her title being called, the mother came into the room. "Yes dear?" Unbeknowest to either Ed or Sarah, she saw Ed being scared, and Sarah observing the fear. She kept this to herself.

"I just wanted to say that I wuv you vewy much," said Sarah with a smile on her face.

Mom smiled. "Thank you, dear," she said, going back into the kitchen.

From there on out, she saw a plethora of possibilities....

Sarah wiped a tear off of her eyes. Why did Ed have to die? And so young, as well! They could very well have been buddies. Best buddies...

Edd and Eddy (Eddy first) came bursting out of the candy store, holding luscious, spherical, sweet, sugary, delicious, candied orbs. Orbs that could be named with one word.


Indeed, Edd and Eddy had profited well from what appeared to be a scam. This particular scam was to sell suits for the funeral of Ed. So technically, they had finally gotten cash over Ed's dead body.

As Edd and Eddy were enjoying their sweet orbs, Edd started to say, "You know, this doesn't feel exactly the same without Ed."

"You're right, Double D," admitted Eddy. "It doesn't feel the same without Lumpy."

"I have a good idea, Eddy. Why don't we buy a Jawbreaker for Ed?" Edd suggested.

"That's stupid, Double D," said Eddy. "He wouldn't be there to eat it."

"I mean to bury in Ed's grave to send to heaven, Eddy," Edd said, scowling.

Eddy was not amused. "No way, Double D!"

"Do it for Ed, Eddy," said Edd through clenched teeth. It was now obvious that Edd was not happy.

"Alright alright. Geez."

"So, you still aren't satisfied with today's special, eh Eddy?" mocked the candy store owner, whose name was Tim. Nicknamed Evil Tim due to his pastime.

"It's not for me, Mr. Owner-" Eddy began.

"Uh uh uhhh!" Tim warned. "That's Super Owner to you!"

Eddy chuckled. "The Jawbreaker is not for me. It's for my friend."

"Ed, isn't it? He passed away, didn't he?" inquired Tim.

"I know. But I want to bury it in his grave to send with him to Heaven just for him, alright?"

Tim paused for a moment, and rubbed his chin. Eddy could actually tell that he was actually considering it, unlike last time, where he had brought money he got off of the pen-pal services from his pal in Korea.

"Tell you what, Eddy. I'll give it to you for free."

"FOR FREE?!?" Eddy glowed.

"But it has to be for your friend. I've got just the one. Come with me." Tim opened a mini-door for Eddy to follow, which is exactly what he did. Inside his office, he had something in a box. Eddy sniffed. "It smells.... like buttered toast and gravy," Eddy observed, sniffing the air, filled with delicious smells.

"Good nose, lad," congradulated Tim. "That is one of the first in the new scented Jawbreakers. You can smell them before you eat them. Pretty sweet, huh?" Tim chuckled at his joke, which Eddy didn't get at first.

"This just happens to be the first in my store. Coincidentally, it's the buttered toast and gravy flavor," Tim explained.

"Ew, who eats that kind of junk?"

"People who enjoy this kind of junk, that's who!" snapped Tim.


"Anyway, be sure to give it to him yourself at the graveyard. That'll be really special," said Tim with a smile.

"Yes sir, Tim sir!"

"What did I say about my title, Eddy!"

"It says your name on your name tag," argued Eddy. That argument was very convincing.


As Eddy went outside, Edd asked, "Tell me, Eddy. What flavor is it?"

"You smell this?" Eddy put the orb up to Edd's nose.

"Good lord, that smells like something Ed would eat. Buttered toast and gravy!" Edd smiled.

"That's exactly what I'm going to give him."

Suddenly, they both felt a drop on their heads. Then another. Another.

"Summer rains, you can never predict them," Edd said. Apparently, he jynxed it, for just after he said it, it changed from just sprinkling to pouring.

"Aw man, Edd, you did it again!" Eddy complained, before going inside to put the Jawbreaker inside its box before it melted.

At Ed's grave, Sarah was still mourning. "Why did he have to die... It's just not fair...."

Eddy walked up to Sarah. "Hey Sarah." Sarah turned around to see Eddy. I promise you, Ed. I will let you rest in peace and harmony... even from your friends...

Eddy walked up to Ed's tombstone. "Sarah, can you please let me bury this Jawbreaker?"

"No, Eddy," Sarah said.

"..what?" asked Eddy.

"I said no! Let Ed rest in peace!" Sarah determinedly said.

"I just want to give Ed a jawbreaker!" Eddy shouted.

"I SAID LET ED REST IN PEACE, YOU FLATHEAD!" Sarah screamed back with tears in her eyes.

"Move out of the way, fishface," Eddy said, pushing Sarah out of the way. But Eddy had not learned from past experiences with Sarah, so naturally, he was in for a pummeling. One like no other, because with Ed's grave being violated, Sarah had no choice but to eliminate Eddy.

She leapt at Eddy, and started to punch him. Eddy had no time to defend himself, so he was vulnerable to Sarah's punishment.

While Eddy was wincing from the pain, Eddy noticed that he had a bloody nose. He looked back up at Sarah. She was raising her hand for a stab at the heart.




That sealed his fate. Sarah lunged for the stab.

...it never came.

Eddy woke up with a start, sweating all around. He looked around. He was in his own room, with his own smell. "It was all just a dream."

However, he felt a box in his hand. He put it up. "Maybe not! I'm going to have a jawbreaker!" He opened the box. To his disappointment, it was a fruitcake from Edd. It had a card on it - "Get well, Eddy. From Eddward." On the cake was a label. "Fruitcake."

"Double D and his orderly ways," Eddy muttered. He got up and went outside to see a sunshine. Real sunshine.

Edd and Ed were outside.

"Eddy's alive! Stay back, zombie!" Ed screamed.

"Ed, Eddy's not dead," Edd sighed.

"ED!" Eddy squealed and hugged Ed. Suddenly, he let go. "Ed, are you mad at me for using you in all our scams?"

Ed thought for a moment. "Nope, I'm already taken."

"ED! It is you!" Eddy hugged Ed again.

"It seems that Eddy had a monster of a nightmare," Edd mused.

"Tell you what, Ed. I'll do the rest of the work on the scam," Eddy offered.

"Nope, that's okay. We finished it this morning," Ed said, pointing to a ping-pong table and a complete sign.

"...oh. Tell you what, Lumpy. Next scam, I'll do all the work to let you and Double D take a break. Okay?"

"Eddy, acting hard-working? Why, that's-" Edd chuckled, before being interrupted by Ed.

"Haven't a clue what you said, Eddy!" Ed said, causing chuckles all around.

After they were quite finished, they grouped up again, and put the scam in business. Ed, as if controlled by an all-powerful author, sat down on his doorstep.

Eddy began shouting, "Ed's Ping Pong table! For a measly quarter for each player, you and a buddy can play Ping Pong! Whether it be two on two or one on one, you will enjoy this exciting game."

Suddenly, what appeared to be a stand with no one in line, with Eddy holding an empty jar, became a busy stand, with almost everyone in line, with Eddy holding a jar full of quarters. Soon enough, everyone was caught in at least one game of Ping Pong. Just like in the dream.

Only this time, Ed was smiling his goofy smile. He was happy, like always. Ed was himself again.

All was well.


GOTCHA! Hook, Line, and Sucker! YOU'VE BEEN ZINGED! (Starts doing the Underpants dance, before being hit by a brick)
Okay, now that that's over, then what I mean to say that I've been waiting to zing you since the beginning of this story. I said that Ed was not going to die canonically. What I meant was that Ed would die only in Eddy's mind. XP Bet you didn't see that one coming! :P

However, most of those stories are true. Sarah's first doll really was Polly Poo-Poo. Ed really did live in Sarah's room before Sarah was born. But reincarnation did not make Plank's body. XP

So, I'm glad to say that this story is over. Fin. I had a lot of fun writing this, so I hope you enjoyed Ed Abuse. Hope to see you again.

As always, REVIEW!
- Tfiction