Title: S'ti th'laktra (I Grieve With Thee)
Summary: After the tragedy of Vulcan how does Uhura and Spock cope.
AN. Mistakes are mine. Sorry. I haven't written a fic in about 7 years. I do not own any thing to do with Star Trek. I make no money from this story.
Cites of reference for this story are:
Star Trek 2009
I Grieve With Thee
It was 0300 hours and Nyota Uhura had approximately 60 minutes to bathe, do her makeup, fix her hair, get dressed and get on the bridge before she was late.
As she rolled out of bed, she looked behind her and at her lover. She wondered how he could sleep so peacefully.
She sure as hell couldn't.
It had been almost a year since Vulcan was destroyed and not quite four months since they had started this five-year tour on the Enterprise but for, as much a Nyota had wanted this, she also felt that she should be doing something else.
Like being part of the reconstruction of New Vulcan, or as the Vulcan's called it, T'Rukh.
She didn't understand why Starfleet sent them out to simply explore space with no destination, and no parameters, when Earth's greatest ally desperately needed their assistance.
She didn't know why she allowed Spock to convince her to retract her resignation when where she wanted to be was on T'Rukh.
She looked back at the sleeping man. He just got off his shift. Her hand ached to caress his brow, but she resisted. The reshan (a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility) in her blood was boiling. She knew that if she touched him, it would disturb his peace. So instead, she just watched him.
Last night, she went to bed angry because of a careless comment McCoy made about Spock's way of analytically over-thinking everything.
Which he did.
But Uhura had been increasingly overprotective of Spock since Vulcan's destruction, and the Death of Amanda, and that insensitive comment infuriated her to the point of wanting to do bodily harm to the ship's Chief Medical Officer (CMO).
What the hell was he doing on the bridge anyway? She mentally fumed.
Wasn't there sick and injured people on this big, galactic space boat?
Why the hell wasn't he working?
If Spock hadn't stopped her, she probably would have been sent to the brig. She had not even realized that she left her station and was walking toward the captain's chair, where the CMO leaned against it and took comical shots at her lover.
If Spock had not gently, and inconspicuously, tugged on her ponytail, when she walked past him, thus successfully redirecting her attention and glare at him, she would have chocked the doctor.
Then, as smooth as silk, he positioned himself in between her and her target and in the softest voice, he reminded her, in Vulcan "Nam-tor ri thrap wilat nem-tor rim." (There is no offense where none is taken)
"Then I am offended on your behalf." She responded in kind. Her anger was radiating off of her, making her posture straighter, more regal. Her head was tilted back, nose slightly in the air. She embodied the appearance of the Ice Queen that was her moniker her entire life.
"Thank you, Nyota." He said with true appreciation and affection. Besides his mother, no other person had ever been so loyal to him. "However, I would rather not have you distressed over the insignificant opinions of those who can only be critical but cannot critically anticipate the long-term challenges or process the appropriate data for practical applications. "
Trying to maintain her anger, she pressed her lips together to suppress a smirk at his statement. He was not as unaffected as he would like her to believe because if he were…
He would not have said that last part in Standard.
And at a volume that was more than adequate for conversation within an enclosed area.
Uhura peered over Spock's shoulder and noticed twin looks of shock from Kirk and McCoy. A few seconds later, the captain started laughing, as so did many of the crew, and the CMO pinched his face into a frown and growled at Spock.
When she looked back at Spock, her eyes softened. Her heart bled for this man. She never understood why people felt the need to hurt this gentle soul. It made her want to put him in a bubble, so he wouldn't be hurt anymore.
Spock simply waited for her to make her next move. She knew that he would support her in whatever she did, but his eyes, not his mouth, or actions, almost pleaded with her to go back to her station.
She glanced back over his shoulder and at Kirk. The young blond had his eyes wide with mock fear and not so subtlety gestured toward McCoy. She ignored him and fixed her gaze back on her love, narrowed her eyes and looked closely for any minute signs of hurt, before acquiescing to the truth that he was fine and returned to her station.
She wanted to protect him, but she also understood a man's pride.
She also understood that however disrespectful, Kirk's and McCoy's antics may be, they were not seriously being malicious. They were laying the foundation of some historically destined friendship.
She didn't understand it, but as long as Spock was …amused, she would learn to deal with it.
Uhura left her memories and groaned as she rolled off the bed and walked into the bathroom. She mentally grumbled that it was too early in the morning, as she shed her pajamas and left a trail of bedclothes and underwear in her wake. She made a mental note to remember to pick them up and put them in the refresher before she left for work.
The last thing she wanted was for Spock to clean up after her. He always made an off-handed comment that she no longer lived in one of her parents' mansions and therefore, no longer had servants to pick-up after her.
It was fair assessment, for it was the same one she made to him, the few times she cleaned up after him, in the past. However, Spock was better about not repeating the offense.
They were a good match. Everyone who knew of the relationship thought so. They were both Ambassador's kids. Her mother . His father.
They were also considered royalty.
When people asked Nyota what her parents did, she answered very vaguely. She said her mother worked for the United Federation of Planets, and she said her father was a politician, and then quickly included that both were always so busy she rarely saw either of them.
Which was true.
It usually ended any more queries about her parental units.
Uhura felt that she didn't need to tell them that her mother was Earth's most Senior Ambassador of Teller Prime. Nor did she enlighten them to the fact that her father was the President of the United Sovereign States of Africa, on his eighth consecutive term. It was none of their business and had nothing to do with her or who she was.
Luckily for her, where she came from, Uhura was a common sir name.
When people got the courage to ask Spock about his parents. He acknowledged their status as Elders, but conveniently left off the fact that his human mother was only granted the most respected of Vulcan Titles and Status because of Sarek.
Who was a real-life, bona fide…
What most species didn't know about the Planet of Vulcan was that the entire planet was ruled under a monarchy.
Science and logic was their pride and reputation, but the planet was governed under a royal thumb.
Sarek, the Ambassador of Earth was actually a Vulcan Prince. Lady Amanda was actually a human born, Vulcan Princess and the planet's youngest prince, Spock, with his hybrid genealogy was one of the Great Sons of Vulcan; one of the Great Sons of Earth and an intergalactic Treasure to both planets.
He was the Legendary Embodiment of IDIC.
And Starfleets most distinguished student.
And that was without all of his ridiculously, impressive scholarly accomplishments.
Uhura stretched her arms over her head and let out a loud yawn. She absently wondered if Kirk, with all his prodding had found that out yet. She doubted it. Spock wouldn't speak of it. Especially not now, and Kirk had this habit where he didn't like to know things about people unless they were willing to speak of it themselves.
He honored privacy.
It was the reason he never found out her first name.
Among other things about her.
Like her relationship with Spock.
For it wasn't a secret.
All the higher-ups knew about it.
It's… just for the rest of the masses; the possibility seemed so inconceivable no one ever imagined it to be probable. For it did not escape her attention that everyone thought her an ice queen who only cared about her studies, and they honestly believed Spock to be a…
A description that, when he first heard about it applied to himself, offended him enough to break his control and make his eye twitch.
The raven-haired beauty could not help but laugh softly at the memory as she brushed her teeth.
Nevertheless, she and Spock had known each other since she was 7 Earth years old, and she knew for a fact that he was, definitely, not a eunuch.
It was a chance meeting.
There was a conference of the United Federation of Planets on Derrion Gama Phi. The Ambassadors were voting on whether or not to include a number of planets into the federation. It was not usually a place for children, but Spock was there because he was accompanying his father. His parents decided that he needed a temporary change of environment.
Uhura found out later that he was allowed to tag-along because he had gotten suspended from school, for fighting.
One the other hand, she was accompanying her mother on Derrion Gamma Phi because it was election year for her father and someone was threatening to kidnap her to make her father pull out of the campaign.
She found out later that kidnapping wasn't exactly what was in store for her. They actually wanted to kill her.
Nyota had been alone at the conference for 3 earth weeks before she met Spock. Until then, her only company was the Starfleet security guards, who did not talk to her. So when she noticed the only other child, at the conference, who was surrounded by Vulcan security guards that appeared to not want to talk to him either, she decided to make friends.
It turned out that he was just as lonely as she was.
And she was just as lonely as he was.
Uhura washed her face and smiled at the memory. Since that initial "first contact," she and Spock had been friends ever since.
And that friendship grew into something deeper.
And more binding.
Uhura looked at the clock in the bathroom and was shocked to see the time. If she didn't hurry, she was going to be late. She was in Spock's quarters and because of his rank, his lavatory had a both a stand alone sonic shower and a bath. She usually took baths; even though Spock always shook his head and considered it a waste of water.
On a Ship floating through space, water wasn't cheap.
And for a man born on a planet, which was mostly desert, washing ones body, in water, instead of using a perfectly adequate sonic shower was an ultimate waste of resources.
But Uhura didn't care; she loved baths.
She even took baths when she visited his home on Vulcan; even though Spock's father, Sarek, always looked at her, in that subtle Vulcan way, like she was crazy after a refreshing dip in their planets most valuable resource. Despite the look, he never said anything to sway her from taking baths because…
Amanda took them too.
His wife even had a garden of non-edible plants that were watered Every. Single. Day.
Some of them even drowned.
As Nyota soaked in Spock's Starfleet issued tub, memories of her time on Vulcan and of Lady Amanda made her sad, and she questioned if this was where she really needed to be.
More than most humans, or even other species, Uhura was invested in Vulcan. Still, she knew why she came back to Starfleet.
She came back to the Enterprise because he needed her.
Because he said that he needed her.
Though to be honest… It was not her Spock who said it.
Her Spock wanted to be on T'Rukh (New Vulcan) too.
It was some other Spock, from some other timeline, who eventually convinced the both of them.
Her mouth pressed into a fine line.
She didn't like him.
Despite the fact that he was "Spock," she found him manipulative and desperate to live out his life again, through them. She disliked the fact that he wanted them to take the same path as he and his former friends did.
But Uhura didn't want that.
She wanted her own life.
She wanted to carve her own path.
She wanted to be the master of her own fate.
Moreover, she would never forgive the elderly Half-Vulcan for emotionally compromising her Spock because he wanted their world to play out like his used to be.
How dare he contrive such a hateful plot after Spock just lost everything.
She hated the older Vulcan for what he did to her lover.
She hated Kirk too, for going along with it.
Uhura felt that the older Spock didn't have to send Kirk back to break and embarrass her lover in front of his crew. To steal the Enterprise from his command, in a breach of Vulcan protocol that still conflicted Spock to this day.
Uhura felt that the old man could have explained it to her lover himself, and Spock would have went to earth and done the same thing to save their planet.
He did not have to send agents to publicly and emotionally comprise his other self, just so that old bastard could have his way in getting the crew formed to the way he remembered living it.
The memory still infuriated her because that older version gave no thought to the idea that her Spock could be a successful Capitan of the Enterprise, in his own right.
Instead, he sabotaged her lover.
And for that Uhura would never forgive him.
In her anger, Uhura began to scrub her body furiously.
She didn't need some emotionally stunted, lonely, Half-Vulcan, with a friend complex trying to predetermine their destiny.
She made her own destiny damn-it!
Everything she has. Everyone she loves, who loves or loved her back, she worked hard to achieve it and hold on to it.
And now that bastard was trying to change it, and logically rationalize doing so to fit the image of an alternate universe.
But still, and despite her adverse reaction to him, that old Vulcan sought her out. Again and again. Trying to make her understand the importance of her presence on the Enterprise because if she did not go…
Her Spock would not go, either.
And if Spock didn't go, there would not be a legendary friendship of Capitan Kirk and Commander Spock.
Like she cared.
She couldn't stand James Tiberius Kirk!
For that reason, the elder Spock's pleas did not reach her heart and every time he approached her with words of memories, of an alternate past, it made her hate him even more.
It was his fault that Vulcan was destroyed.
That Lady Amanda was dead!
Because he used that damn Red Matter without knowing all of the possible variables and contingencies.
And when Nyota told him how she felt, he stared at her with so much hurt and disbelief that she felt momentarily shamed.
For the first time she realized that his eyes, which were more expressive than any Vulcan she had ever met, except Sybok, were staring at her not as a former friend, but with the desperate hope of someone trying to memorize every aspect of their lover's face.
It turned out he was.
The older Spock kept searching her out because he was looking at his deceased wife, and the love of his life. The love that he wasted so many years denying because he was trying to be the perfect Vulcan.
So despite being caustically rebuffed, the older Spock kept searching her out, and tried over and over again to change her mind, because he knew that if they, she and Spock, traveled to T'Rukh, her lover would eventually be guilted into the duty of giving her up for the sake of being the prefect Vulcan, for Vulcan.
He pleaded with her to believe him and when she was about to dismiss him again. He apologized and agilely found the pulse points on her face, with his ancient hand, and forced upon her a lifetime of regrets and an overwhelming, almost obsessive, love for his deceased wife.
For his Nyota.
It turned out that Spock kept suppressing his love for so long, it grew and strengthened into an unfathomable current of emotion.
It wasn't human
It was stronger.
It was purely Vulcan.
Uhura remembered fighting against the onslaught of his affections. She also remembered fighting against him. Trying to push him away and out of her mind.
He wanted forgiveness for the years of denying their bond, their love and for hurting her time and time again.
He wanted forgiveness for not being strong enough, or wise enough to choose her, in their youth but…
She was not his Nyota
So she could not forgive him.
She was not his.
Uhura shook that memory out of her mind and got out of the tub. She never told anyone what that Spock did to her, but she was sure her lover knew. They had melded their minds since then, and she was not skilled enough in art of blocking her thoughts to hide such a traumatic event.
Nevertheless, the old man got his way….
Within that week she discussed with her Spock that she was not going to settle in T'Rukh and that she was going to withdraw her resignation from Starfleet.
She was surprised to see relief in his eyes. When she asked him to explain, he admitted to being concerned about how they would treat her on the colony. For she was a non-Vulcan, who was intimately involved with one of the Vulcan Sons; The son of Sarek, Elder and Prince of Vulcan. He was worried that she was going to be mistreated, as his mother was mistreated. He was also worried that if they mistreated her that he would become as emotionally comprised as he was as a child.
When she asked why he had not told her of his concerns before, he said it was because she had wanted to go with the Vulcans to help in the reconstruction, and he was humbled by her sacrifice. He also admitted that if she were happy with her choice, he would endure by the teachings of Surak.
Uhura just looked at her lover, then kissed him.
Sometimes she could not believe how she got so lucky. Spock was considerate to a fault, despite his usually blunt to the point of being cruel words.
Despite the stereotype, Uhura had always known that Vulcans were not emotionless beings. They actually felt everything very acutely. Even more so than humans. It was just their culture to seek a way to detach and suppress their emotions and embrace the peace, which came with logic. She also understood that it was their pride to not outwardly express their feelings, even if they could not inwardly tame it.
It was a science.
It was a religion.
For Vulcans were raised and taught to accept the teachings of Surak, and his way of life, his way of thinking, without resistance and without question.
So to realize that Spock was going to try to express his love for her by suppressing his emotions was incredibly sweet, but not something she wanted to hear. Especially not after she personally experienced how hurt Spock would, eventually, feel if he were forced to live that type of life.
She would never put him in that position.
She would also never put herself through the pain and loneliness that her other self lived through.
Uhura brushed her hair back into a high ponytail and quickly and expertly started to put on her makeup, only to see Spock staring at her in the bathroom doorway.
"You are going to be late, Nyota."
"No, I'm not." She assured as she put on her lipstick. "I still have…" She looked at the clock sitting on top of the sink counter, " five minutes."
Spock raised a brow. "As I said. You are going to be late. You are not even dressed."
She frowned, without malice, at him in the mirror. "Did you wake up just to harass me? I am not going to be late. I do this every day."
"Yes, and every day you log in approximately 2.39 minutes late."
"Are you complaining about 2 minuets?" She spun around and pressed past him, to put on her regulation bra and underwear and then wiggled into her uniform.
"Technically…." She interrupted with a tender smile as she sat on the bed and slipped on her boots. "Starfleet Codex of Conduct #112.8 states that Starfleet personnel are not technically late until 5 minutes. So I'm fine. I could be 2.39 minutes late for the next five years and I'll still be fine. You can't touch me on that, Commander." She tilted her head back. Nose pointed upward in a regal victory position.
Spock was going to disagree but she circumvented the debate with a quick kiss and dashed out of the bedroom and then out of their quarters.
When the front door slid shut he looked around the bedroom and at the mess. Nyota was such a slob, but it was not her fault. She was not raised to look after herself. Even at the academy, her parent's sent a maid to clean up after her.
So did Spock's, but unlike Nyota he understood that the luxury would end once they were assigned to a ship.
He wondered if he should just leave it. Maybe by doing so she would realize that the clothes she leaves on the floor would not just…. Magically appear in her closet, clean and pressed. He looked into the bathroom. It was a mess too. And she didn't even let the water out of the bathtub.
He let out a meditating breath and blamed… her parents.
He had known the President and the Ambassador for years, so he knew his assessment to be true.
They spoiled her.
When he caught himself unconsciously picking up her clothes from off the floor and placing them in the refresher, Spock wondered if he spoiled her too.
No. He decided. It was just illogical to leave the room in disarray to make a point.
Moreover, he excused her behavior because she had been so sad, ever since…
He was unsure on how to help her because even after a lifetime together, she still refused to accept the teachings of Surak.
Instead, she chose to reflect on the past, when she thought he was unaware and silently cloaked herself in her sorrows.
She did not share her pain.
Nor did she show him her tears.
For she didn't feel she had the right.
Spock did not understand why she would not allow him to mourn with her, for he allowed her to mourn with him.
He understood that even though she was not daughter of Vulcan, she loved Vulcan as if she were.
Just as his mother loved it.
But unlike his mother, Nyota did not embrace the teachings of Surak. She did not search inwardly for peace and logic. Instead, she cried silently, got depressed and sometimes violent.
Like the other day.
The young Vulcan left the bedroom and went into the living room. He looked around at the cluttered space. Uhura was in the process of moving in, permanently, but most of the stuff was actually his.
They were his belongings from Vulcan. Gifts given to him by his mother, knick-knacks of no monetary value that he bought when vacationing with Nyota. They were just things that… he needed… because they carried a memory that he was irrationally afraid he was going to forget.
Because besides Nyota, and his father, all he had are memories.
Their bonding ceremony was going to be in a 3.5 months exactly. One of many that was going to be held on T'Rukh. He wanted it to be sooner. Years sooner but Nyota wanted to finish school first. Now, Spock regrets that he had not pressed the issue.
His mother, who was eager for the day to see them finally joined, would have been able to witness it.
Unfortunately, he was never any good at forcing Nyota to abide his will. Instead, he was used to acquiescing to her demands.
It had always been that way.
Ever since the first time he ever met her when they were children at an Ambassador's conference.
She was seven earth years, and he was eight years of the same planet.
Spock recalled how she held out one hand in the Vulcan salute and the other hand was proffered for him to offer his. She introduced herself in Vulcan too. "Hello, My name is Nyota Uhura, You should feel honored to meet me."
The very fact that she spoke the language, even if her accent was a bit nasally, herald the assumption that she knew that Vulcans did not engage in physical contact.
Despite that fact, she held out her hand.
The eight year old Vulcan did not move to make contact with the human. Instead, he chose to correct her verbal mistake "I think you mean, I am honored to meet you."
"No. I meant what I said." She stated confidently still not putting either hand down.
At that arrogance Spock had nothing more to say. He wanted to walk away but he had an inclination that she would follow him, with her hand out, and cause a spectacle. After about a minute, Spock tentatively, and reluctantly, reached out and gave her a limp shake of her hand then quickly released her and wiped his own hand against his pant leg.
That was gross.
He touched an alien.
Sure, his mother was human but at least she had the common sense to act Vulcan, or at least try to act Vulcan, and that made her different.
Unlike that girl in front of him. He gave her a baleful look, and was rewarded with the most brazen smile he had ever seen in his entire life.
Did she have no shame, making such a face in public?
He disliked her immediately.
Spock left that memory when he felt the corner of his mouth twitch into a smile. He took a breath and suppressed it.
Nyota always got her way. Before that day was over, she had declared him her friend.
Her best friend,
And for the next three weeks of his academic suspension, he was stuck with her because she made sure to find him and make him accompany her on her little adventures.
He called them scientific explorations of his immediate surroundings.
Even to this day, Spock refused to admit that the three weeks he spent with Nyota was the first time he ever enjoyed accompanying his father's conferences.
They investigated every corner of the Hall of the United Federation of Planets, driving their guards to distraction. They got in some kind of trouble everyday, but luckily for them, their parents status protected them punishment.
Spock later found out that Nyota was not only the princess of mischief but also the queen of misinformation.
But he was not aware of that at the time.
Instead, he listened to her, with full mental capacity, as she shared her knowledge with him. It was obvious to the little boy that despite being human, she was wise. Through observing the application of her talent, Spock discovered that Nyota not only knew something about every species they came across, she was also a talented xenolinguistic and could communicate with those species as well.
He was, now, suitably impressed with this human.
And in exchange, he taught her about science, computers and arithmetic.
He was really benefitting from the circumstances of this thing called friendship.
Unfortunately, Spock did not know he was misinformed about a plethora of subjects until about two weeks in. Though on the same star base, Spock had not seen his father until his mother finished up her business on Vulcan. It was during that first dinner and after his mother asked him what he had been doing to occupy his time, did he share his new wealth of knowledge.
He was so proud.
Until his father asked, in an almost concerned tone. "Who in the universe is telling you these….lies?" And why are you believing them, he did not ask, but implied.
A few minutes later, Nyota Uhura had her first audience with his family.
Spock was upset, because he thought she tried to make a fool of him, but hid his anger well.
His father was pleased.
But Nyota was recalcitrant when she was informed that she was mistaken about a number of subjects, and told, actually commanded, one of her guards to fetch her school PADD.
She was at the top of her class in every subject.
She was going to prove that she was right.
Spock remembered his mother taking a liking to the 7 year old Nyota immediately, and the male Vulcans figured it was a "human thing."
When the Starfleet officer returned with her PADD, she showed his father that what she spoke was the learned "truth."
His father became even more…
In the end, every continent on Earth had to rewrite or amend their textbooks on alien cultures.
And Spock finally understood why she held out her hand and gave the Vulcan salute.
Spock left his thoughts.
That was one of about a million memories he shared with Nyota.
From that time on, Spock thinks that he had been in love with her. He just did not understand what he was feeling until later. She had been his first, and only friend, and considered part of his family. His parents approved of her and her parents approved of him. Her life had been so intertwined with Vulcan that she was practically a citizen.
Still, he does not know how to help her work though this tragedy.
In truth, he is barely making it himself.
He is afraid of the day when they truly grieve.
However, Spock hopes that when that day comes
They grieve together.