Location: Cloud Ruler Temple, the Jerall Mountains, north of the pleasant little town of Bruma. Setting: the only decent bedroom in the entire Temple. What's up with that, anyway? I mean, the Blades have to share freaking mats. But I guess it makes sense: give the Emperor the only real bed for miles. Right, uh, where was I? Oh yes. The setting. Ahem.

Soft candlelight flickers in the room as evening turns to night outside. Apparently residents of Cyrodiil hate strong lighting. Or maybe candles are expensive. Perhaps they fear the fire hazard. Whatever the reason, there are only two or three candles on the bedside table. It is a very romantic setting. Very tasteful. Of course, that might explain why we hear some gasping and smooching sounds nearby. We glance over, quickly shielding our eyes (but peeking through our fingers) as we find Martin Septim and the Heroine of Kvatch making out. There is much kissing. And groping. And caressing. And fondling. And a whole heck of a lot of physical contact. Wait, was that a French kiss? Whoo, I think it was! Ahem.

We pretend not to watch as the future Emperor scroops the Heroine into his arms, carrying her to bed. They are still roughly kissing. It is all very passionate, and kinda erotic. That's why we're watching, but not too closely. They, after all, don't know we're here. We watch as Martin lowers the Heroine onto the bed, moving to climb atop her, chest heaving. But it's as if she has hit an invisible shield, a magic trampoline of sorts, because she yelps as she hits the bed and BOUNCES five feet up, then off onto the floor with a CRASH! A mysterious message appears on the sheets: YOU CANNOT SLEEP IN AN OWNED BED.