Deconstructing the Myth
Disclaimer: I dont own these characters. R/R.
Im not an idiot. Ive never been blind enough to not notice whats going on with the people around me. If anything, Im the exact opposite. Im smart and perceptive, probably too much for my own good. I know how Bobby feels about me.
I know how he looks at me, how his eyes always seem to rest on me and then dart away nervously when I try to meet them with mine. I know what it means when he gets tongue-tied around me. I know the words that are on the tip of his tongue and sometimes I catch myself silently wishing hed just say them already.
How do I really feel about Bobby Drake? Its a question I ask myself on nights when I cant sleep, nights after another awkward and botched attempt on his part to become more than just friends. Were really good friends. Hes closer to my age than the others so it helps. We like goofing around together. He always makes me laugh but its different from the others. He makes them laugh because it helps him find his niche in the team. He makes me laugh because, honestly, I think he just likes to watch me smile. Hes a good guy, a guy any girl would be happy with. So why havent I said anything? Why havent I made a move?
I guess the reason I dont is because he cant. You see, thats Bobby Drake all over. Hes all potential and no realization. Hes already in his twenties and he moved back in with his parents after the explosion. He doesnt take anything seriously. What kind of life is that, you know? I have too many plans for my life to waste time sitting around playing video games and reading comic books. I just . . . I want more out of life. I want a career and a family. I dont want to be this big pile of failure and wasted potential. I want to be something and hell just . . . drag me down. Lifes not always about making jokes and goofing off.
Hes the reason I tried going to Genosha. I wanted a fresh start there because it hurt not being able to see him every day. It hurt coming home to my parents and hearing them argue with each other almost every day. I wanted to go somewhere where I didnt have to feel like a disappointment. I couldnt do it though. I knew when I saw that helicopter that Bobby was on it. I told myself I came back for the others but I lied. I came back for him.
Its a lie, that whole thing about him dragging me down. The real reason I dont want to be with him is that Im scared. What if Im not really in love with him? What if Im just using him as a safety net so I dont have to feel alone? What if it doesnt last? I mean my parents were married for over twenty years and now theyre calling it quits. If relationships dont last then why bother at all, you know? Why set yourself up for that kind of pain?
Nothing lasts forever. All of us know that after witnessing the explosion that destroyed the mansion and almost killed both Professor Xavier and Jean. Nothing is solid or dependable. I guess thats what my whole life revolves around, solidity and dependability. When you cant rely on others then your only choice is to rely on yourself. The problem is that giving your heart to someone else requires you to rely on them. You have to trust them not to break it and hurt you. Youre the sweetest guy I know, Bobby, but I dont have that kind of trust in me, not after everything solid in my life has revealed its true transient nature to me. I cant trust you with my heart, Bobby, because I cant really trust anything or anyone anymore.
Hes all wasted potential and burnt out dreams. He will never take anything seriously and he will never amount to anything. At least youre honest with yourself, Bobby. At least you feel comfortable enough with yourself to know what you want to be instead of trying to be what everyone else wants. I wish I could do that. I wish I could rip apart these lies I construct to keep you at arms length. Maybe I was wrong all this time. Maybe youre the one thats too good for me and maybe in the end Ill be the one to drag you down.