Hey! I'm really sorry there hasn't been an update in ages but schools been crazy and although Claire and I have our holidays right now we have exams in January so are revising like crazy! I honestly can't promise an update soon either! Sorry! We'll try our best! Claire wasn't able to add her bits to this one so if it's not so funny or if you miss Edward's normal rants normally surrounding how underappreciated his amazingness is, I apologise!

Okay so this is Tanya. Hehehe....

For all the people who ask this, You WILL see Bella's reaction but not until all the letters are done! Be patient! :P

So we don't own anything etc etc...

Enjoy! Please review and tell us who you want letters sent to!

Dear Tanya,

I am writing to you to express the disgust and hatred I feel towards you.

Firstly, can I make it perfectly clear that I DON'T LIKE/ FANCY/ WANT YOU IN ANY WAY! God, you are so disgusting! Your thoughts would put Hugh Heffner to shame! The things that go through your mind... *shudder*. In no way do I want to have any form of sexual encounter with you yet you convince yourself that I do! Are you blind you stupid slut?! I avoid you at all costs, grow even more mopey when you are around and throw a party when you leave! I think you may even be less intelligent than Charlie swan, and that's saying something!

Why do you insist on talking so much? Your fucking annoying Eastern European accent may have faded but it's still there! YOU SOUND LIKE BLOODY BORAT! You also think that your un-witty un-funny flirty comments impress me. They don't. They only make me want to throw you through the nearest wall. But I won't as I was brought up with standards, unlike you.

Talking of being brought up, I can confidently say I had a good mother to raise me. I don't remember my human mother all too well but I know that she was very kind and died bravely in a hospital bed of an infection in no way brought upon herself by her own actions. And as a vampire I have Esme, who is the nicest person in existence. Fact.

But you?

Your mother is dead. HAHAHA!

Your mother was killed by the Volturi. You couldn't even defend your mother against the Volturi?! I mean come on, they're like 3 Italian OAPs!!!

She was killed for creating an immortal child. Hello? Total vampire social faux-pas! GOD! Do you not read 'Good Vampire Housekeeping' or 'Vampirogue'?

How crap a daughter are you if she created an immortal child?! She chose an eternally crying, annoying baby over you! OBVIOUSLY SHE DIDN'T EVER LOVE YOU! Actually, now that I recall the sound of you talking to me I realise you sound very similar to the whining of an irritating baby.

I still can't comprehend this. An immortal baby. Instead of an actual adult child. HOW FUCKING BORING ARE YOU THAT SHE WANTED A BABY THAT CAN'T EVEN COMMUNICATE!!!!

You didn't even realise she had created an immortal child. Didn't the extended hunting trips, baby name books and clothes far too small for you tip you off? Go back where you came from. Some poor village is missing it's idiot.

My mother was lovely. Yours was a criminal. YOU SHOULD BE LIVING IN A TRAILER PARK OR SOME OTHER SHITHOLE! ...oh wait, you live in Alaska... Okay, fair enough...

When I ended up in Alaska you thought it was because I had finally seen sense and realised I was utterly in love with you. (HAHAHAHAHA). Actually I just needed time to work through my feelings and realise I was totally in love with Bella. REJECTION!

Don't get snow on me bitch. Do you know how long it takes to get hair this perfect?! Oh, of course, you wouldn't, having never experienced it. Also, I can hear you coming you fuck tard therefore element of surprise = ruined! GOD YOU ARE SO FUCKING RETARDED!

You are an utter failure as a vegetarian vampire. Firstly, you didn't even manage to convert Laurent! God, you are useless! Also, you killed so many people! At least I only killed bad people, you however had no such scruples! YOU SHALL GO TO HELL! EVEN MY SOUL IS IN BETTER CONDITION THAN YOURS!

What was with that by the way? Fucking men and then killing them?! G.R.O.S.S! Are you like some sick twisted vampire version of a Black Widow spider or something? Come to think of it, I would prefer that butt ugly spider to you anyday. In fact, I think the men would too if you didn't have your vampire features to seduce them. Even if I was human, I would still be the sexiest thing on the planet. Fact. Bella would still throw herself at me. Fact. Every other woman on the planet and quite a few men would throw themselves at me. Fact. You however, would be one of those 60 year old virgins living in a musty old house with 15 cats, cold and alone. Rather than being what you are now – an ancient slut living in a musty old house, cold and alone.

Okay, so where the fuck where you when Victoria and her army came for us? NOT BACKING US UP FOR ONE THING! You are the shittiest extended family EVER! We had to turn to the werewolves, the dogs for aid! The day someone chooses Jacob Black and his trailer park friends over you is a sad day indeed! And then, in their defence, they helped us. You didn't, yet you still wanted to kill them! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!? Laurent was a French twat, who cares the pack killed him! May I also remind you that he was GOING TO KILL BELLA! UNNACCEPTABLE! ONLY I MAY TASTE HER SWEET BLOOD! Wait, uh... I mean.... I will protect her....

May I just point out that me calling you a succubus is not a compliment! God, you're so thick! If I tell you that I think you are a STUPID DUMB BLONDE FUGLY RETARDED TWAT WHO SHOULD JUST GO SIT DOWN IN A FIRE AND RIP OFF YOUR OWN HEAD! – You would think I was saying, "Wow Tanya, you look sexy today!"


You live in Alaska. It's not the shittiest place in the world because it's Alaska, it's the shittiest place in the world because you live there!

You are a dumb blonde.

You repulse me.


I despise you.

Yours with many kisses,

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen, aka cutie pie, World's greatest brooder.